Theo- max

authors notes had time to do two today enjoy, ill try and update tomorrow. but more importantly meet max (above) Theo's football friend.

Guilt

Feeling responsible or regretful for a perceived offense, real or imaginary. Can be part of the grief reaction.

I couldn't look away I read the words repeatedly on my phone, the definition didn't seem to describe what I was feeling. I wasn't sure exactly what I was feeling.

I quickly turned off my screen shoving the phone in my pocket before making my way towards the parking lot. I ignored Helena as she called my name confused at me leaving her side, I guess it was guilt because I couldn't look back at her.

I don't know what to do, so I go to max. he was with rest of the team standing around by their trucks waiting for traffic before heading out.

"hey man, what's up?" Max  greeted as I struggled to look up at him not sure how to even start this conversation, I wish we could do this alone.

"ummm – I – well"

"Theo you okay?" other than Alex he was the only person I trusted the most, he was always there and knew what to say. With Alex and I in a tough spot I didn't have anywhere else to go.

"I need to talk" I said finally looking at him through my thick hair. he sighed at me before nodding and waving to our friends as we headed over to his mom's minivan.

"alright lets get out of here"

Max stopped us at our cities ice cream shop and spent five minutes inside getting us something before coming out and sitting next me giving me my order. He once told me his mom used to say, a conversation is always better with a sweet treat.

"so, what's wrong?" he started quickly addressing the elephant.

"when did you know you liked guys" I said not sure if I was ready to say the whole mate's thing yet.

"I don't know, it was like one day I was walking through the halls and that new kid, Matthew walked by and I said damn that ass" he said laughing at his old self, it was quite embarrassing, he hid in the bathroom all day.

"you like anyone? i mean besides me cause i mean look at me  i turn everyone gay " he  lifted a brow allowing his flirty side to come out, I couldn't help but laugh at him, he was good a releasing the tension.

"not by choice" I said glancing out the window not wanting to say the word.

"oh . . . ooooohh" he said realizing what I meant and my face became red.

"who?' he asked leaning forward figuring out it wasn't something I wanted to be congratulated about.

"Alex" I said just loud enough for him to hear

" and no one knows?" he asked making me nod,  I can see him adding everything together almost like a puzzle.

"oh my gay ass, this is big" he said putting his ice on the dashboard before freaking out ad gripping his red hair.

"it's horrible , its like i-i can't ever get him out of my head or get rid of the pain in my chest when hes gone and I don't understand what's happening, it's not as if I like him."

"when did you find out?" he asked almost like a fangirl shipping her otp.

"its weird, it was fine until that one second I'm cutting my cake. I no longer saw my best friend for 18 years, I saw the only person in the universe who matters to me." I struggled against the seat belt trying to unbuckle from its tight grasp without spilling my ice cream.

"oh my gosh! Are you two . . . bumping uglies?" my face was nearly in flames as I looked away from him.

"oh you are! You nasty. though I'm surprised you can be walking around after having him, he must have done record on you. so how big is hi-"

"we've kept it on the down low . . . Jesus max "

"what are you going to do about it?" max asked going serious  watching me get out of the leather strap adjusting to the seat.

"ignore it " I said simple taking a large bit of my vanilla ice cream and looking disgusted by the flavor, it was Alex's favorite.

"Theo he's your-" I couldn't let the words pas this lips, it was like saying Voldemort, just by saying it something will go wrong.

"I know I know, it's just. The rules won't let it happen, his future is already made up for him, add in a 5.4 beta male in the mix  and what do you think will happen? I'll tell you, disaster"

"so the best way to help him is to stay away" max glanced at me watching me poke at the food in my lap as I tried to stop the tears.

"yes, if I let it happen then everything he's been preparing for will be gone and it'll be my fault. I can't do that" I gripped the container of ice cream harder causing the sweet ice to fall down the sides and onto my hands but I was preoccupied with expressing my feelings.

"not to him" he was the most important person in my life, he was always there, when I first shifted, when I went on my first date and when I lost my mom. I'd do anything for him, he was my life.

"if you have this figured out then why are you telling me?"

I knew he was confused and I understand that, and he wants answers. I wasn't sure why I wanted to tell him, I guess I needed to know it would work out, that'll ended up okay and I'll be happy. I wanted him to lie. But he doesn't do that he is the most honest person I know, and I knew that. I guess I wanted the honest answer without admitting I wanted it.

Gosh I'm screwed up.

"I'm hoping you'll stop me"

"I think you already know my answer" he said patting my shoulder, I gulped and nodded not sure that anything could come out if I spoke.

"Theo, you're a good person and you need to do what is right. For him and for you. If staying away if right than stay away but you have to figure it our on your own." He said before turning his key and starting the car and taking me home.

When I made It to my room I stared at the clothes piled on the on the floor, a mixer of clean and dirty laundry another action adding to my guilt. I can hardly remember the last time I saw this room clean, okay that was a lie, I do remember. I remember the feeling of night being pulled from my bed, the coolness of the room as my sheets left my body, the taste of warm waffles and the comfort of my best friend being a there every second of it. I remember the party, the feeling when I looked at him and the fear. I remember everything.

But I especially remember that night.

The simplest stroke of his touch was like being swept up by the ocean, the slightest caress of emotion flowing through him and flowing through me. Steady and slow, like a rhythm that only we know, leaving the questions on the floor with everything else. Something was growing in him, in me, wanting to fulfill the need over and over. The smallest of glances a understanding of the unspoken rules and the only the feeling of brushing of a hands covering each other. Quiet whispers in the dark, voices are heard but words never spoken. A secret between us in that crummy room tying us together.

Every time I think of it all I feel is guilt, but not the stupid google definition,

Guilt is that suffocating, heavy feeling in your chest after you see the look in his eyes as he left without a word. And you know its your fault.

Guilt is not being able to concentrate on the task at hand because you know you hurt his feelings.

Guilt is that incessant throb in your heart, telling you you should apologize for being so callous. It might or might not stop after the apology.

Guilt is feeling bad, knowing you did the wrong thing even though you knew what was right.

Guilt sometimes pairs with Shame. Shame tells you you're a bad person and that you don't deserve him.

Shame digs up the past and throws it in your face. It reminds you of all the times you failed. Including now.

Guilt makes you cry and wish you could've done better and you think you can, next time. Maybe. You don't know.

So that what I did

I cried.