Struggle of Acceptance

CALLUM

“I thought it would be helpful to have a family session today. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you all, especially since Ella’s birth and the revelation about Tilly. I thought it would be good to touch base and see how family life is evolving,” Carmen has us all gathered on the couch, while she sits across from us on a chair.

Violet is snuggled between Zach and me, my fingers absentmindedly twirling her newly trimmed hair. She’s had about six inches chopped off, causing it to curl more and fall just to the base of her back.

It looks thicker, more lively, and curlier. I’m pleased she decided to go for a significant trim. It looks healthier after the big chop, and there’s less chance of an accident happening. Plus, she can finally stop sitting on her hair. While I’d prefer it even shorter, I can definitely live with the length she’s chosen.

“Let’s start with a check-in. How about we start with you, Zach?” Carmen gives him a nod and a smile. He stiffens against my hand that’s draped over Violet and resting on him.

“I’m fine.”

“You can do better than that, Zach. How are you feeling about Ella, Tilly, and your new family dynamic? Do you have any concerns? Any aspects of life you want to discuss?”

“I have my own therapist to talk about all that with,” he mumbles, so I give his shoulder a squeeze.

We promised Violet we would try. This isn’t him trying. He turns to look at me for a moment before sighing.

“I love having Ella. She’s everything we dreamed of. She’s perfect, and I’m thankful for Violet. She’s the perfect mother. The best we could have ever asked for, we couldn’t have been blessed with a better mother for our child. Tilly not so much, but what can I do about that?”

Carmen writes something down before nodding. “Violet?”

“I’m struggling too. Accepting Tilly is hard. Not because I don’t like her but because I feel like we all despise her, and she will feel that. When it’s not her fault but her mother’s.”

“It’s a difficult situation to be in, especially when you have a newborn yourself. How have things been with Ella, her feeding, sleeping?”

“We are breastfeeding successfully, and she also takes my milk in a bottle. She sleeps well at night. I can’t complain, Carmen, she’s a very good baby.”

“That’s wonderful. How do you find pumping?”

“It’s okay, though I have noticed if I pump less than the day before, I start to panic. It’s silly, I know, but I like to pump twenty ounces to freeze.”

“That’s a rather large amount to be able to pump for someone that’s mainly breastfeeding. You are doing very well, Violet. How have your moods been?”

She nods to Carmen, but I know she isn’t listening. The three of us have been telling her this for days.

“They’ve been okay. I’ve been crying more than usual, not just because I’m sad but also because I’m happy or tired or scared. The doula said it’s my hormones,” Carmen nods, jotting things down again.

“Callum?”

I jump a little at my name because I hate doing this shit. Talking isn’t something I was brought up to do, and I don’t find it easy. Not at all.

“Things have been going well. I have some fears around our attachment to Tilly, but that’s all.”

“Tell me about those?”

I sigh, wiping my sweaty palm down my leg before admitting my fears. “The longer she’s potentially here, the more likely we are to bond with her. We will be used to having two children, not one. Ella will be used to having a sister. Our parents to having another grandchild. One day she will be taken away, and then we’ll be left with the devastation of losing her.”

“Why will she be taken away?”

“She’s not really Tyler’s. When the courts find that out and know Sophie lied, well he won’t have a responsibility to her anymore.”

Carmen frowns, looking down as she notes something on her notepad. “Sorry if I’m mistaken here, but I thought there was a DNA test done to prove paternity?”

“There was,” Tyler says from the other side of me.

“You don’t agree with the DNA?”

“I never had sex with her, so it can’t be accurate.”

Carmen looks between the four of us before jotting yet another thing down, nodding to herself. I feel the anger starting to build. What the hell is she writing down?

“How are you feeling, Tyler?”

He stares at her open-mouthed, unable to answer the question for a long moment. His eyes mist over as he looks out the back door.

“I think he’s struggling. There’s also an unsaid rift between the four of us,” I admit to him.

“Is that true, Tyler?”

“The rift?” he asks.

“That you’re struggling?” she states to him.

We are all silent, waiting for his confirmation, but I’m shocked at what he says…how he’s feeling.

“I’m being forced to play daddy to a child that I know isn’t mine. Her mother doesn’t want anything from me except childcare. My father-in-law and his colleague have told me to take responsibility until they can get court-ordered DNA. So I feel like I have no choice. Zach hates me, Violet is trying not to be upset, and Callum, well, he’s Callum. My mother and sister think I’m lying. Zach’s parents don’t, so there’s an argument happening there too. My anxiety has been through the roof, and I fear that the first three days I had Tilly, she could feel I didn’t want her here. She didn’t stop crying, especially when I tried to comfort her.”

I weave my fingers in his hair, trying to give him comfort, but I don’t think he’s taking that from me.

“That’s a lot to deal with, Tyler. Zach, do you hate Tyler?”

“I’m upset with him, and I think he should accept the DNA. But I don’t hate him.”

“Violet, are you hiding your feelings from him?”

“I don’t think so,” she shrugs.

“You were crying the other night in the treehouse. You are upset but refuse to admit it,” Tyler states.

“I wasn’t upset. I told you I was scared,” Violet bristles at him.

Carmen looks between the two of them with raised brows. “Callum?”

“Yes?”

“What does Tyler mean that you are just being you?”

“I guess…I think he may be referring to the fact that I don’t really have an opinion on the matter. Sophie was before my time with them. I don’t know the dynamics of what their relationship was like back then. I know Tyler went to her to ‘play,’ as he and Zach put it when Violet was in the hospital last year. Personally, something in my gut tells me to believe him, so I’m choosing to believe that he’s telling the truth. My gut doesn’t normally lie.”

“You’re the only one,” Tyler mutters.

“I believe you too, Tyler,” Violet states, looking right at the side of his face.

The room is becoming somewhat tense filled and I chose to stand up, taking Ella. I walk her down to the living room where Carla and Catherine decided to sit while we had this session.

“Can you guys have Ella while we talk?” I ask, walking into the room. The pair of them have a cup of coffee and biscuits and are talking on the sofa.

“Sure, everything okay?” Carla asks, holding her arms out, immediately taking Ella.

“Tyler’s upset,” I say, turning to leave the room.

I can hear Zach and Tyler’s raised voices as I end the hall.

“You are supposed to believe me when I tell you I didn’t do something.”

“Well, if you didn’t keep going back to her…maybe I would, but I can’t make my brain believe something that it chooses not to.”

“Let’s not raise our voices, boys?”

“That’s the only way he knows how to communicate, that or punishing me before he fucks me.”

“Like you don’t enjoy it?”

“You know I do, but it doesn’t mean we move forward. We aren’t communicating…we’re brushing shit under the carpet.”

“What needs to be said? Legally, that child is yours, Tyler. There’s nothing that can be done to change that fact until my pa finds a way to bail you out.”

“But she’s not fucking mine. Maybe I could cope if you actually supported me, but you don’t.”

“If I didn’t fucking support you, I wouldn’t have been there after the DNA results came out. I would refuse to have your child here with us. Fuck I would make you leave. By all rights, you should be living apart from us while you sort out your shit but you’re still here.”

“Come on. You are only doing that to keep Violet happy.”

“Don’t bring me into this,” she says, sitting back and holding her hands up.

Carmen has wide eyes looking between Zach and Tyler. Violet looks like she wants to cry again, and I’ve had enough of their shit.

“Take a breather, guys.” I step in front of the trio, my voice steady. “Zach, you’re clearly still nursing a hangover. And Tyler, we all know you’re working on your communication skills. Fighting isn’t going to solve anything, is it?”

“Zach, you need to open up more, but so do you, Tyler.” I glance at both of them, my tone firm. “And remember, Violet might have been crying because she’s overwhelmed with hormones. If she said she was scared, then she was scared. She’s been honest about her feelings and accepting of Tilly. Don’t project your issues onto her.”

I settle back down between Violet and Tyler, wrapping my arms around them.

“Callum, you hit the nail on the head,” she says, her gaze shifting between Zach and Tyler. “I see what Tyler meant about you now.”

“I suggest you two,” she says, her gaze lingering on Zach before moving to Tyler, “consider couples therapy. It could really help you communicate better.”

“My therapist suggested the same damn thing,” Zach mutters, his voice gruff.

“Well, then you should realize that two professionals can’t be wrong,” she replies, her tone matter-of-fact.