My Precious Boy

VIOLET

We’ve found a cozy spot in a coffee shop, just a hop, skip, and a jump away from the doctor’s office. I’m staring at three ultrasound pictures, each one revealing the two tiny lives growing inside me.

I’ve been their home for nearly eleven weeks, completely unaware of their existence.

I didn’t experience any symptoms, or at least none that I recognized.

It’s not like with Ella, where I was over thirty weeks along before I knew.

This can’t just be a coincidence, can it?

Tomorrow is Matthew’s birthday, and I was exactly ten weeks and five days pregnant when he was born.

Today, I’m ten weeks and five days pregnant with twins. Twins, of all things. Is this some kind of sign? A gift?

Did you send me a birthday gift, Matthew?

It’s supposed to be the other way around, with me buying you your first birthday present.

I can’t seem to stop the tears from flowing.

I thought I was handling it well, that Matthew’s birthday wasn’t affecting me…but I was only fooling myself.

I was just distracting myself from the pain that’s lodged in my chest.

I miss him, the baby who made me a mother.

Matthew made me realize that I wanted children, despite my previous belief that I didn’t want any.

“Are you okay?” Callum asks, concern etched on his face. “Are you unhappy?”

“What? No. No, I’m more than happy,” I assure him. Why would he think otherwise?

“Why?”

Because you’re a crying mess?

“You’ve been quiet and crying,” he points out, as if that explains everything. His observation makes me laugh. I can’t see myself, but I can imagine I look like a blubbering mess.

“I lost Matthew at ten weeks and five days. Well, he stopped growing days before that, but the day I gave birth to him…I was ten weeks and five days. Tomorrow is his birthday. I think it’s a sign, a gift from him,” I explain. Callum looks at me with wide eyes.

“Wow…that’s uncanny,” he says, clearly taken aback.

“Yup.”

“Why didn’t you let me call the others?” he asks, making me blush a little. I thought it would be nice to surprise them tomorrow after visiting Matthew at the baby garden. Plus, I was in shock, not quite believing what I was seeing or hearing. It’s not something they’ve ever experienced because all the babies they tried for were with treatments or planned. They expected them, so they were never surprised.

“Well. Actually, I need your help. I want to get a box. To take a pregnancy test and put two little vests inside with the scans and test and clothes to surprise them tomorrow. They’ve never had that before, and tomorrow is going to be sad. So why not give them some happiness too?” I suggest. Callum frowns for a moment before smirking.

“I thought you didn’t want them,” he admits, looking a bit guilty for thinking such a thing.

“Why would you think that?”

“You were terribly quiet and sad looking.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Cal, we are going to have four kids at home that will be one year old or younger, but I wasn’t the one who wanted me to get the birth control. It was the two of you,” I remind him.

The conversation from yesterday comes to mind. Tyler had a lot of reservations, and Callum agreed with most of them. So we couldn’t decide when we wanted to start trying again.

So Carla had convinced us to wait another four months, to have one more injection…then try after that ran out.

But fate obviously had other plans.

“Are you happy, Cal?” I ask.

“More than happy. Scared maybe at having so many kids so close in age, considering I never wanted any to begin with. But I miss you being pregnant, and I’m excited to find out if one or both of them are mine…to watch them grow inside of you and see you give birth to them, and hopefully be around for this labor, unlike Ella’s,” he admits, a wide grin spreading across his face.

Yes, who will you belong to, or is there a possibility of one of you belonging to each of them?

They’ve already scheduled the twelve-week scan for just over a week from now, so I suppose we can ask them then, if they could have different dads or if they have the same.

“Let’s stop by BuyBuy Baby. They sell tests and the vests, maybe even a box too,” Callum suggests.

So that’s what we do after Ella’s had her fill and we’ve finished our coffee and cakes.

The stop-off doesn’t take long, and I’m far too excited to wait to test. Instead of buying three different brands, I take a plastic cup from the vending machine in BuyBuy Baby. I head back to the bathroom and take all three tests. The digital one says pregnant, and the other two have two solid pink lines each. I’m truly pregnant, and that’s a crazy thought.

Pregnant. With twins while my oldest child is only six months old.

These babies will surely be born before her first birthday, which is a strange thought to wrap my head around.

We wander around the store, finding a memory box that gives me an idea.

“How about I get this memory box and pretend it contains a gift for Matthew? I can give it to them when we’re at the baby garden for them to open?” I suggest to Callum, who responds with a grin.

“Sure, baby.”

So that’s what we do. We buy the memory box and two onesies that say ~Living my best twin life~. I have the tests and the scan photos, and I buy a small blue teddy to leave on Matthew’s plaque. What else can I buy for my first child?

That whole evening, Callum and I struggle to keep our secret when the others ask about the appointment.

We also struggle to contain our excitement as we all drive toward the cemetery the next morning.

Though I can’t speak for Callum, I still have a heavy heart despite all the excitement about the twins.

I overhear Tyler commenting on how happy I seem, compared to how sad he thought I might be.

I also hear Zach trying not to dampen my mood, knowing that today must be hard for me. And it is, but there’s also this flip side where I’m incredibly happy.

I pretend not to hear their whispered conversations and pretend to nap for part of the three-hour journey.

It’s just the five of us that came here today, at my request.

Carla was more than willing to join us or to watch Ella, but I wanted this time to celebrate our little boy’s birthday and the two little miracles on their way to be just between our little family unit.

Our little secret, because I’m sure that my belly won’t stay flat for long, not with two lives growing inside it.

We arrive at the cemetery just before eleven in the morning. Lola jumps out with Tyler to relieve herself while I get the box ready and Callum gets Ella from the car seat.

Zach is unusually quiet today.

I know this affects him more than he’s willing to admit. Maybe it’s because he knew for sure that Matthew was his, or maybe it’s because we now know all the things we missed out on with him.

Like the rest of his pregnancy and his birth. Or his first few months of life and his milestones.

“I don’t stop thinking about him, you know. He will always be one of my favorite what-ifs,” Zach confesses, taking my right hand. I’m sure it’s only to reassure me or something. But I’m glad he said it.

We walk together toward the baby garden, the four of us with Ella in silence.

This place was one of the most painful locations of my life last year when we laid our baby to rest.

Having to leave his tiny body in the earth where he would remain forever.

It still stings. It still hurts to know I’ve left him here alone without us. That we don’t live close anymore and that I haven’t visited him since the day we laid him to rest.

Life has been chaotic, to say the least, but that’s not an excuse.

I’m surprised to find his plaque perfectly clean, and the flower bed around him perfectly pruned.

The baby garden here consists of a raised bed, so I sit along the edge of that—leaning over to touch the dirt that houses him.

“Hello, my darling. Happy first birthday,” I whisper.

Zach’s tying his first birthday balloon to the small hook left there for this exact reason. Tyler’s placing his small bunch of roses in the vase, and Callum’s rocking Ella.

Lola sits at my feet just as she always does, not even needing a leash because she won’t wander off without us. “This year has flown by, and I’ve been far from the perfect mother to you. I’ve neglected to visit you, but I promise I’ll do better, baby. I hope you’re warm and happy up there. Wherever there is…I love you, Matthew,” I say, feeling the tears welling up in my eyes.

“Your mother’s right. We haven’t visited enough, but that doesn’t mean we don’t think about you,” Zach adds, surprising me.

He never talks about Matthew. Not with us at least, so hearing him talk aloud here feels like a private matter I shouldn’t be eavesdropping on.

“You might have been toddling around by now,” Tyler muses, a hint of laughter in his voice that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “You might have had your daddy’s dimples and his wit. Maybe you’d be as hyperactive as he was when he was a kid.”

He chuckles, but it’s a hollow sound. “I hope you’re up there with your siblings, playing with them since you can’t play with your sister down here.”

I reach out, taking Tyler’s hand, then Zach’s. “Callum and I got a special teddy. Could you guys get it from his memory box?” I ask, stepping aside and leaving the box on the ground by Matthew’s plaque.

“Sure, baby,” Zach replies, reaching for the box.

Inside, he’ll find the teddy bear, of course. But there’s also a note, written by me. Twelve words for twelve months of Matthew’s first year.

Matthew gave us the gift of life for his first birthday, surprise!

Callum and I wait, holding our breath as they peer into the little box. Our eyes meet, sharing a smile. The secret we’ve been keeping for the past twenty-four hours is finally about to be revealed.

Tyler reaches in to take the teddy, then they both reach for the little note. It’s nestled among the tests, scan photos, and two vests.

The silence stretches on, long enough for me to hear my own heartbeat. It’s erratic, matching the anticipation I feel as we wait for their reaction.

“Vi?” Zach’s voice wavers, uncertainty coloring his tone. He delves into the box, extracting the trio of tests. He presents them for his and Tyler’s inspection. Their gaze lands on the word ~pregnant~ and the pair of distinctively pink lines on the other two tests. Tyler accepts the ultrasound images, and they both stare, their eyes wide and glistening.

“You’re pregnant?” Tyler’s voice is barely audible, a whisper in the wind.

“With twins?” Zach chimes in, his voice laced with disbelief.

“Yes,” I practically squeak, my excitement bubbling over.

Their attention shifts to us. “How far along are you?” Zach’s voice is a mere whisper. Simultaneously, Tyler inquires, “How long have you known?”

“We discovered it yesterday at the doctor’s office. We’re ten weeks and six days today. It was a surprise for us too,” Callum confesses.

“Twins?” Zach’s grin emerges, the initial shock gradually morphing into excitement.

“That’s four under two, you realize?” Tyler jests, feigning horror momentarily before his face breaks into a grin.

We all converge in a group embrace, laughter and smiles piercing the tension. A day that was supposed to be steeped in heartbreak and sorrow is now brimming with surprise and joy.

Thank you, my precious boy. Thank you so much for bestowing upon us the greatest gift possible.

“A year ago, we were so desperate for a child that we paid you to be a surrogate. And now, you’ve gifted us four incredible children. How can we ever express our gratitude?” Tyler murmurs into my ear.