Fragile Balance

ZACH

We spent the night in the playroom, celebrating the confirmation of our twin boys’ gender. The next morning, Ella’s cries through the baby monitor woke us up.

Ever since, we’ve insisted on Violet staying on bed rest, but this pregnancy has been hard on her. During the anatomy scan, we found out her cervix was shorter than normal, and she was having random contractions, which wasn’t a shock given her history with Ella.

The doctors put Violet on complete bed rest for almost six weeks at home. But her cervix became a major worry as it continued to thin and shorten. That’s when they admitted her to the hospital and performed a cerclage.

Now, she’s twenty-eight weeks pregnant and has been in the hospital for just over three weeks. Ella stays with her most nights, along with one of us. But it’s hard for Tyler to stay from Monday to Thursday because he has Tilly. Even though he visits with Tilly, the nurses are a bit uncomfortable because Tilly isn’t Violet’s.

Some nurses are understanding, while others are downright rude about it. Callum stays with Violet from Monday to Wednesday. Tyler stays on Thursday and Friday, and I take over on the weekends.

Violet hates being here because she’s only allowed to get up for bathroom breaks. Her blood pressure shoots up, and she starts having contractions whenever she stands. Last week, the contractions almost didn’t stop.

Now, we’re worried about the cerclage tearing her cervix and the boys arriving prematurely. On the bright side, the boys are big for twins at twenty-eight weeks. They’re estimated to be three and a half pounds each, only two pounds less than Ella at thirty-five weeks.

They’ve already received three injections to mature their lungs through Violet, and the doctors seem satisfied that they’re still inside. But enough about the past—this morning, we’re visiting the neonatal unit, so all three of us are going to be with Violet.

We know for sure that the boys will be early, early enough to need assistance in the unit for a while. So today, my mother is taking care of both girls while we tour the room where the boys will stay after they’re born.

“Guys, just a heads up. Violet has been really emotional these past two days. She hates being confined,” Callum warns us as we load the car with fresh clothes and more pencils for Violet. Catherine also prepared some home-cooked meals for her since she can’t stand the hospital food.

“She’s going to be here until the boys are born,” Tyler informs us. We had anticipated this, but I don’t think Violet has fully grasped it yet. The staff are hoping to get the boys to thirty-two weeks, then anything beyond that will be a bonus.

“It doesn’t help that she can’t have sex or masturbate. She’s just like me and can’t handle it,” I comment from the backseat.

“The doctor said it’s too risky,” Callum almost whines. None of us have been getting any either because we’re all too busy working, staying at the hospital, or taking care of the girls.

“This pregnancy has been really tough on her,” Tyler sums up from the driver’s seat. He’s right. Her blood pressure is high, her cervix is struggling to hold the twins, and her hormones are all over the place.

I almost feel sorry for her, but then I remember how she vents her frustrations on us. We’re barely hanging on most days.

“The doctor I spoke to the other day said her body is too small to carry twins. She’s too short, and her weight isn’t that high. He thinks that’s why she’s struggling,” Tyler shares.

“They’re testing her for gestational diabetes today. She’s doing a fasting blood test this morning because her sugar levels have been high, which has been making her a bit loopy,” Callum adds.

“When will she catch a break?” I wonder aloud.

“When the boys are born?” Tyler suggests.

“I’d say that couldn’t come soon enough, but the longer they stay inside her, the less likely they’ll need to stay in the neonatal ward,” Callum sighs.

“Who knew pregnancy could be so nightmarish? I had fantasies of making love to her in all sorts of positions while she was carrying our twins, yet here we are six weeks into celibacy...” I lament, staring out the window.

“You two could always play while I stay there?” Callum suggests.

“Same for you two while I stay there,” Tyler adds.

“We might have to because I’m going stir crazy without sex. There’s only so much my hand can do.”

“At least you have time to relieve yourself. I’m always busy between staying with Violet and working the rest of the week,” Callum sounds almost heartbroken.

“Same here. Between having Tilly, working, and staying at the hospital, I haven’t had the time or energy to even think about doing that,” Tyler admits with a sad smirk.

“Really? You don’t have five minutes to quickly relieve some tension?” I ask incredulously.

“Nope,” they both respond, looking at me through the rearview mirror.

“Well, I guess I’m the lucky one then?” I laugh.

They laugh too, but I can see how much not having sex is affecting them. Tyler isn’t the type to need it every day, not like me, but even he’s struggling without the intimacy. And I suppose that it’s partially my fault why he’s so wound up.

Since the incident in London, I haven’t been able to resume one-on-one play with Tyler in the playroom. Every time I tried, things went wrong. I pushed his limits to the max, sometimes eliciting his safe word.

I was uncontrollable when my mind flashed back to being violated by that man, and I took it out on him, leaving scars as reminders. And then there’s Callum.

Sure, he’s been with me a few times, but we haven’t played together in scenes. It’s all been driven by raw need rather than the desire to dominate and submit.

I sigh in the car, wondering if he would try playing out a scene between just the two of us. He’s good at dominating when it’s the four of us, and I know that’s partly because he asked Tyler for lessons. And they have had lessons. Maybe Callum played some scenes with Tyler.

I wouldn’t know because I work most of the week, and the two of them work from home…so they have more time to play if they wanted.

We arrive at the hospital just a few minutes before our appointment, meeting Violet at the entrance of the neonatal unit. She’s already seated in her wheelchair with her favorite nurse, Emery.

“Hi, guys,” Emery greets us cheerfully, while Violet is already grumpy. Her face is a storm of emotion as she checks her phone.

“You have two minutes to spare. Two fucking minutes!” Emery smiles at us from behind Violet as if to say, It won’t always be like this.

“It’s lovely to see you too, Violet,” I joke, earning a punch in the stomach. Violet is particularly grouchy today…apparently.

“Morning, baby,” Callum greets her, even though he was here last night. He gets a smile, a fucking smile.

“I’m sorry we’re late. I was driving,” Tyler apologizes, and he also gets a smile.

Well, I guess it’s my fault today then, fucking typical.

Emery buzzes us into the neonatal ward and gives us a tour, showing us the various rooms. There are three bays and two side rooms.

They usually keep younger babies and multiples in the side rooms, so they’re hoping to have one of them available for the boys when they arrive, but it’s not guaranteed.

“Hey, my name’s Samir. I’m one of the pediatric doctors here in the neonatal ward. Why don’t we go into the family room and talk about the twins staying here with us?” The doctor, probably not much older than Tyler and me, is dressed in blue scrubs with a stethoscope around her neck.

We all mumble our agreement before following her into the room and sitting at the table, where a few other doctors or nurses are seated.

“These are my colleagues Dr. Hannah Stein and Dr. Atticus Fellows. Hannah is also a pediatric doctor. Dr. Fellows is multi-talented, being both a specialist pediatric doctor and OBGYN. He specializes in extremely premature births. One of us will be present the day the twins are born,” Samir begins.

“Okay, now that all the introductions are made, I would like to give you some information. Obviously, we are under the presumption that the boys will indeed be quite early. With all the problems you are suffering from, time is of the essence at the moment. I understand that you were started on medication for high blood pressure over the last two days. I think your body isn’t coping with the babies, so I’m estimating they will be here on or before thirty-two weeks, which is only a month or so.”

“Are we keeping them in as long as possible?” Violet questions, a hint of mischief in her voice.

“As long as it’s safe for you, yes. But there’s no need to risk your health when we can assist the boys outside your womb. They’ve had plenty of steroids to mature their lungs, and they’re big boys,” Samir responds.

“How long will they stay here?” Tyler inquires.

“That depends on each baby. We won’t know the extent of their needs until they’re born. We can’t predict if they’ll need intubation, CPAP, or just nasal air. Twins often fare better when born early because there are two of them, which means they tend to mature slightly faster than a singleton. But we can’t be certain,” Dr. Hannah explains.

“Will they be hooked up to tubes like some of the babies out there?” Callum asks, his fingers drumming on the table.

“Quite possibly,” Samir replies.

“I think you all need to brace yourselves for this journey. Being NICU parents isn’t easy, and the hospital is making an exception by allowing all of you to visit the twins, given that you’re all clearly their parents. But there are visiting hours to adhere to, and Violet, you’ll be discharged before your twins,” Dr. Fellows advises us, his gaze fixed on Violet. “This experience will be vastly different from the birth of your first child. You’ll feel a lot of guilt when you leave your boys, and you’ll have to confront those feelings every day.”

“So Violet will be leaving without the babies?” we all ask simultaneously.

“That’s a certainty,” Samir confirms, and Violet breaks down in tears, burying her face in my chest as I wrap my arms around her.

Am I off the hook?

“So, I have to split my time between my three children? Between home and the hospital?” she sobs into my chest.

“Yes, unfortunately, that’s the situation,” Samir responds, her face filled with concern.