12: Broken But Beautiful

❝ You're dripping like a saturated sunrise, you're spilling like an overflowing sink, you're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece ❞

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TW: mention of self-harm and an attempt at su1c1de.

°•°☆☆°•°

I was rendered speechless.

He felt guilty about hurting me? He really did? His eyes held deep pools of waters in which swarmed emotions I couldn't put into words. It was on the darker side, that much I could point out, considering the fact that his face was contorted with pain I didn't know of.

In that moment itself I wanted to scream, cry and shout at the very person who molded this Ray; for the Ray I knew was hidden deep beneath the numerous layers he adorned for what I guessed—to not get hurt.

My mind disposed of all the anger and I held my gaze with his, questioning him with my orbs only, trying to make him understand that I was there for him. He wasn't a mystery and neither was he a tragedy. He was a person who was hurt and that was completely okay.

"Would you like to talk to me about it— in that case, about anything?" My voice came out soft, hoping to tell him in various ways that he was being listened to.

He remained quiet for a while as something shifted in his eyes continously; probably contemplating over whether to trust me— a not-so-complete stranger —or to rightly use his right to remain silent.

He looked up once and led his feet to what seemed like a porch, which had green grass sprawled at it's feet. I figured he wanted me to follow him and so I did; my footsteps making him aware of my presence.

Motioning me to sit down beside him, we sat cross-legged on the grass which was a little itchy due to me wearing a skirt but I decided to neglect that in light of the serious situation I was in. I yet again took the decision to break the silence which was making me bite-my-nails-type anxious.

"Remember that time when you dropped me home after the little excursion to the top of the hill?" I turned my head to look at him to find his eyes closed. He hummed, but I gaped at the beautiful sight in front of me.

I would never find a at a peace Ray boring. He looked calm, collected and determined, not to mention his greek-godly looks. I wonder from whom he got them—his mother or father?

"If you remember, then you must also remember me telling you that you could share anything with me and I would never judge you for it. I would listen to you and at the end of it, smile at you and tell you it's okay. I meant that and I keep my promises." Smiling at him, I turned to face my gaze towards the setting sun, always keeping me aware of the fact that endings are beautiful too.

"I remember", he replied, pushing his hair back with a swift motion of his hands which I loved too much. "And that is why i'm going to tell you."

Even if I was surprised, I tried to not show it, because I never thought Ray would confide in me of all people.

"My dad died when I was thirteen and left us with no funds. My mom works in a bar as a waitress and comes home for about two to three hours a day. My brother, Sam, urgently needs a heart transplant for which I don't have money." His eyes were still closed, as he spoke.

"We run this house with the meager money my mom makes and I bring in a few dollars by the two part-time jobs I work for. Not only is my family situation quite overwhelming, but the fact that people have been treading on us because we are poor doesn't help." Immediate anger surged inside of me as I thought about people belittling people only because they weren't rich.

"My friends back in elementary and middle school stopped contacting me after they learnt that I lived in this tattered down house. I was bullied for the majority of my childhood just because I didn't have luxurious cars to drive in, mansions to live in, branded clothes to adorn and parents who showered endless gifts on me." I held my breath, tears crawling around my eyes.

"I lost faith in people. I lost faith in friendship. I lost faith in love. I lost faith in humanity. As a person, I was completely broken at the age of thirteen and I seeked methods to drive away my insanity and blur the voices in my head which told me to die." He laughed, the voice hollow and humourles. Goosebumps crawled all over my body.

"You can guess what methods those were—aren't you a smart girl? Alcohol, weed, drugs—you name it. My brother found me passed out on the couch; my eyes bloodshot and had an acute panic attack. His blood pressure shot up. I haven't forgiven myself for it till today." He wiped a few tears which had managed to trickle down his nose as he continued.

"I swore I wouldn't do drugs, and I didn't. But the voices in my head grew louder and stronger and June," He looked me dead in the eye, as I held my breath, my heart beating at an inhumane rate. "I couldn't help but relieve myself from the internal pain by making me suffer from external pain from time to time. Call me crazy for cutting myself, I don't care. I've learnt not to care."

"Long story short—I'm just a troubled guy who trusts no one. I'm an asshole by the day and a suicidal by the night. Blame me for being like this, but I can't stop my demons from possessing me."

He stopped and took a long breath, his fists clenched.

"I almost swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills one time after an extremely mentally brutal night. I was drinking till I dropped and in an intoxicated state, emotions took over me." He clenched his fists. "Luckily, the bartender noticed something was wrong with me and immediately ringed up the ambulance. I was saved. No one knows of this incident, you're the first, because well, I didn't want to burden anyone."

His eyes clouded over with regret, guilt and sadness as dark as the night itself.

I never realised the water flowing down from my eyes. I never realised the blood seeping out from my wrists because my nails had dug in so deep.

The amount of anger I felt right now could never be compared to any of the emotion I'd ever felt my entire life. I wanted to smash something, I wanted to break something, I wanted to scream my lungs out and question God what did Ray do to deserve all of this?

I stood up frantically, and paced up and down the lawn trying my best to keep it in.

Ray sat there, his head in his hands, hoarsely sobbing now.

Something broke inside of me in that moment.

I wasn't sorry for Ray, I wasn't pitiying him. I felt angry because he didn't deserve a single thing that was thrown in his face whenever he tried to pick up the fallen pieces of his life. My hands were shaking and I was sweating, with no clue how to hold it in, or how to approach this situation further.

"What is wrong with you? Are you okay?" Ray was beside me in an instant, now collected and calm as ever. He held my shoulders roughly but without hurting me, and made me face him. Our eyes settled on each other's and he seemed scared, almost fearful of my reaction and befuddled due to the tears filling up my eyes.

I said nothing but did what had to be done.

I hugged him.

Hugged hugged him. As tightly as ever. Poured as much as love and empathy I could. Buried my face in his neck and held onto him for dear life.

He stumbled back due to the intensity with which I shot forwards and hugged him, but his hands remained to his side, still refusing to let me in.

I only whispered the six words which were a chant inside my head by now.

"You didn't deserve any of it."

My lips grazed his earlobe and shivers ran down my spine which I chose to ignore but they didn't choose to be ignored and hence my whole body felt hot and cold at the same time.

Maybe it was the words or maybe it was the grazing of my lips that took Ray to wrap his two, sturdy arms around my back and pull me closer. We stood there for what felt like forever and for the first time in my life I felt spiritually close to someone. I wondered if Ray felt that too.

I used to curse my life when a single thing didn't go my way. I think we all do. But what we fail to notice is that some people don't even have the privilege to live a normal life. They keep getting battered on the inside by the constant strokes of ups and downs that life keeps throwing at them.

People are being robbed of their chances to live a happy and satisfied life. While we should be appreciating what we have in our hands, we keep whining when our parents don't grant us a car we want, or money we need to blow on clubs partying; we fail to understand that others may not even have a plate of food on their table.

"You are crazy." He said after a awhile, as his fingers mindlessly drew over my lower back.

I pulled back, our arms still around each other's body.

"I know, I'm the definition of crazy." I replied, the courage to smile back in me.

"No shit, I was scared for a moment. You looked like you were about to murder someone." His body rumbled with laughs that didn't seem to cease and I couldn't help but look at him with complete awe.

He was so strong, and wise, and responsible, and handsome. I couldn't find it in myself to blame him for the cold behavior he'd thrown at me. A vase is dark from the inside while it shines in the light from the outside.

Ray was a broken vase, yet the cracks soaked in the light from the surroundings trying their best to drive away the darkness threatening to swallow him away. Broken and damaged things are still beautiful. The Leaning Tower of Pisa, ruins of Mohenjodaro were living examples.

He dragged me down to sit on the moisty grass again, and I sighed as the wheels of my brain churned with the numerous thoughts flooding them.

"I'd expected sorrow, pity and sadness from you. But you never fail to surprise me June." His eyes held a glint, a shine to them as he looked at me.

"I was and am so angry. You deserved nothing of it and yet life decided to award you with it. You are so strong to hold your family together. I can't imagine a thirteen year old boy processing his father's death, his brother's illness and his defeaning thoughts all at once. I haven't seen a person stronger and braver than you." I confessed with utmost sincerity, for I meant every word that I recited to him.

"It's funny." He mumbled, his eyes locked to mine.

"What?" I questioned, not breaking our gaze.

"I've never told this dark part—secret of my life to anyone. And yet, when you wanted to know, it flowed out more so easily." His voice was raspy now, my heartbeat going crazy.

"And you mean?" I prod.

"There's something about you which is utterly, impossibly and dangerously irresistible."

I was taken aback at his words because he had so rightly described the connection between Ray and I. Everything—anger, sorrow, happiness, arguments, attraction—was easy around Ray. I never gave it a second thought—about what I said, about how much I shared.

I laughed nervously and nodded for I understood his feelings and reciprocated them.

"You seem disturbed. Enough about me, how was your day at school?" He lay down on the grass to look up at the now starlit sky, as I followed him too.

My day.

I completely forgot about Stefan. And now the pain came rushing back.

"My day was shitty as usual," I bit back the tears and I hoped he didn't notice the shift in my voice.

"Cut the crap. What's wrong?" Now there was the Ray I knew. I decided to tell him because he would come to know sooner or later.

"I ran into two people making out in the hallway. Guess who?" Well, I could atleast hide my pain with humor.

"Who?"

"Stefan and Evelyn." And then I let out a forced laugh as if I wasn't bothered by it.

"What?" He sat up, his eyes fierce and his fists clenched. "I always knew he was a piece of shit. That douchebag, I'll let him know what cheating costs." He clenched his jaw and played with his rings.

I decided to strike his nerve.

"Since when did you give a fuck about me?"

The speed with which his neck snapped to meet his gaze with mine had me shook. He seemed almost angry as if it was obvious he cared about me.

"You damn well know I care about my...friends." I noticed how he took time to say friends and my heart skipped a beat for no reason.

"Well, okay. But don't do anything to him. I'm just tired of everything. Tired of being a second option. Tired of being a lookover. Tired of being called a nerd. I don't want any more trouble." My eyes felt wattery but I held it in.

Beside me, I heard Ray sigh and groan in frustration. "You were too good for him okay?" His hand found mine and he stroked his thumb on my palm. It instantly calmed me down.

"Was I?" I hated how my voice cracked but I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Yes. A girl like you deserves to be treated rightfully. He never respected you by the way he treated you. He thought he was superior to you, it was clear from the way he behaved around you. You deserve so much better June. Don't let a guy make you question your worth."

It was so intense that I cried. Because somehow he knew I was questioning my worth. Because he knew what I felt in that moment.

"Don't cry. God, I really can't help it when a girl close to me cries." He pulled me for a hug, while mumbling how I shouldn't cry over an idiot like Stefan and how he would knock him down with a single punch.

I smiled against his chest and laughed and then we both started to laugh because it became really funny.

And then we stopped.

And just looked into each other's eyes.

I failed to notice how close we were and how his breath was fanning my lips.

And then a cow mooed somewhere and we again laughed.

Ray had started to become a little more than a friend to me.

I think he had from the first day I met him.

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● To every suicide survivor, mental health warrior, and simply anyone who is/was in a dark place: you are loved. you are wanted. you are perfect the way you are. trust me, when i say, you'll find someone who will love you, for you. cheers, you got this <3 ●

+ ps ty for 938 reads and 204 votes! i love y'all sm <3