Chapter Eleven

The moment he's alone backstage, the dressing room door closing with a soft click, he slides down against the pastel white wall. He pushes his hands, covered in the slim white gloves, into his hair and hangs his head. Taking in several deep, shaking breathes.

He'd managed to pry himself away from the numerous people who had swamped him backstage, forcing his lips to tilt upwards, yet his eyes remained empty and barren. Ny had noticed almost instantly, the moment there had been a pause between the onslaught of people she'd grabbed for his arm and led him back to the dressing room, practically shoving him inside before closing the door and leaving him with his thoughts.

He'd have to go back out soon, knew there was still an abundance of people he had to greet and speak with before he could even consider slipping away. That and the fact that there was still likely half an hour left of the actual show. He seriously contemplated in that moment staying in this very room, claiming to be getting changed till the awards were over, but he also knew he couldn't just leave Louis sitting by himself at the table, regardless of the number of people around him. They were trying to be friends after all, and Harry knew that Louis would suspect something was up with him if he hid backstage after a performance. It had always been a silent signal between them, when one was simply too tired to go back out and face a crowd of people, socialize as they'd been so trained for and just needed a quiet night away. They'd go back home, or to whatever hotel they were in, wrap themselves in one another and stay like that till morning.

Bracing his hands against the wall, the pushed his way up from the floor. Delicately removing the white gloves from his hands and begins to unbutton the lace. He wishes his mum were here in this moment, so he could curl up beside here like a child and tell her everything that was on his mind. But that was the thing, he wasn't sure he even knew exactly what he was going through, what he was truly thinking about all this.

Sure, he was still drawn to Louis but it was so unclear whether it was because they'd spent five years deeply in love with one another and he missed that connection he'd once so dearly cherished, or because he'd spent so long alone and the sparks he felt whenever he was with Louis were just fooling his mind. It was all just so... confusing. Confusing and bloody infuriating.

He was about to spend months touring with Louis, the least he could do for his own sanity would be to sort out his emotions before they would spend months on end in close proximity together.

By the time he's at least structured those thoughts he's pulling his trousers off and folds them neatly onto the chair. Grabbing for the suit he'd arrived him he hastily throws it back on, not taking the time he had done only a few hours ago to put it on so carefully, aware of tearing any of the hand stitching.

He pauses as he runs his gaze over himself in the mirror, as if checking for any visible physical signs of his torn inner emotions. He's greeted with the same powdered face, hair perhaps a little more disheveled than it had been earlier, and dull green eyes. It'll do, he thinks. The media doesn't particularly take much notice of his state of mind, they'll never know the difference. The fans will. The thought enters his mind before he can stop it but quickly pushes it to the back of his mind and turns, heading for the door.

There's no one in the short corridor when he steps out, closing the door once more behind him and he begins making his way back out into the main seating area, following the signs on the wall.

There's a speech going on whilst he slips back to his table. Fumbling his way through the rows of tables and chairs in the semi darkness. He shoots off a quick smile to Ed when he spots him, the ginger haired man catching his eye and flashing him a big thumbs up. I'll see him later he tells himself as he finally spots the raven-haired woman that he remembers is sat with on his table. And on the other side of the table is Louis, half turned in his chair to listen to the presenter on stage.

He half trips over the back leg of a chair pushed back from the nearby table just as he reaches his seat. Louis' head whipping to him at the slight noise but thankfully the room has a certain buzz to it and no one else consequently seems to notice his misstep.

"Watch it." Louis mutters to him with a playful note to his voice.

He murmurs something unintelligible back as he finally slips into his chair, praying that no camera caught his little stumble. He sits through the rest of the presentation in somewhat of a daze, not taking in anything that the presenter is saying before finally a polite applause breaks out across the room and chatter starts up once more.

He's about to turn to the man seated to his left, who he thinks might be a producer, someone who's worked with Niall once perhaps when he's tapped on the shoulder and turns to find Ed standing before him.

"Hey!" He says excitedly as he stands from his seat and pulls Ed in for a hug.

He hears Ed's laugh into his hair before they pull away from one another.

"Mate, what a performance! That was unreal!" Ed tells him, he's not seen Ed for over six months. The two of them had always been close, more so when the band was just formed but he'd always appreciated the friendship he'd shared with him. He'd been one of the first people to discover the true nature of Louis and Harry's relationship, but had always claimed that they'd made it so painstakingly obvious that anyone would be able to figure out the truth if they looked close enough.

"Some praise coming from you."

"Fine Line has got to be one of my favourite albums, honest, it's insane, I'm proud of you Styles."

"Thank you, means a lot coming from you ya know."

"I've gotta head off, but don't be a stranger Styles, we need a proper catch up!" Ed calls as he begins backing away.

"Course!" He calls after him. The lights begin to dim once more before he's given a chance to talk to Louis, who's sat messaging someone on his phone but quickly tucks it back in his pocket in the last few moments of light, flashing him a quick, reassuring smile before the next presentation begins.

~~~~

Exiting the venue is only slightly less chaotic than entering. There's still hundreds of fans lined up against the railing, desperate to catch sight of their favourite artist or producer. He's not had a single moment to talk with Louis since he had returned from backstage, the two of them had slowly made their way out of the venue, being stopped every few steps by someone coming up to him, congratulating him on the album, his performance, or talking to Louis about the upcoming release of his own album. It takes nearly another half hour after the awards finally close for them to even reach the exit and once more are faced with flashing lights and shouting voices.

The sound of screams only increases the moment he and Louis step out into view of the crowds, hundreds of younger fans spotting them immediately and the frenzy begins over again. The upside of not winning an award tonight, is that he's not required to do more interviews, which means they're both free to leave whenever they wish. He knows there's two main afterparties being held, and on any other occasion he'd fancy going. But after the roller-coaster of a night it's been, he just wants his bed and a large cup of tea that he knows he won't finish.

"I'm gonna head home, I'll see you for the photoshoot on the 23rd." He says to Louis, having to lean into him in order to be heard over the volume of noise.

"You're not staying out?"

"Not this time." He says back to him and Louis turns his head to face him, an emotion along of lines of concern, or perhaps curiosity, is filtered somewhere in the gaze but Harry quickly averts his eyes. Instead flashing a media smile out towards the numerous cameras aimed at them.

"Alrigh'. Your driver here yet?"

"Yeah, the car's coming round now, you?"

"Same, I might head home too actually." Louis says and they take a few more steps towards the designated area to be picked up at.

"Don't not go because of me." Harry says before he properly thinks over the words and quickly tries to back track, because of course that's not the reason Louis isn't going out.

"Nah it's fine, would feel weird going out without ya." Louis cuts him off before he can stammer a reply.

"If you wanna go honestly I don't mind going out for a bit, it's not like I have anything on I just..."

"Haz." Louis says, halting and turning him with a firm but gentle grip on his arm, "It's me, you don't have to explain yourself." And Harry really ever questioned why he fell in love with this man.

He doesn't say anything, just gulps and gives him a single nod and closed lip smile. Louis hesitates for a moment longer, as if he knows exactly what's running through his head before starting off once more towards the cars.

Harry sees the vehicle he'd arrived in pull up two cars back from the front on the line. Realising he still has a few more moments before it's his turn to climb into the back seat he turns away from Louis and heads towards the barrier fence. Several girls are in front of them, including two young teenage boys pushed just slightly off from the back of the fence.

"Harry! Your performance was incredible!" One of the girls tells him as he stops before the barrier, several hands flying out to touch him and he grabs the first pen and poster he can and starts to sign.

"I love you Harry!" He hears from several different voices and it's something he never quite got used to. The fact that strangers have watched him for years, knew things about him when he didn't even know their names.

"Fine Line is my favourite album ever, honestly it's so amazing Harry!"

"So is this you confirming Larry Stylinson?" Another fan asks and Harry fights the laugh surfacing within him. It's definitely not that.

"Thank you." He tells the girl that commented on his album, handing her back a now signed post note.

"Were you sad performing on stage now One Direction has broken up?" Another asks and he looks up, well down, from where he'd moved on to signing the next card thrusted at him.

"We're on hiatus, we haven't broken up. One Direction isn't over yet." He says very deliberately and slowly, knowing that the several IPhones currently filming him would be spreading that sentence across media platforms in mere minutes. Jeff will be very happy with him.

He catches a glimpse of the two young boys shielded from him by the line of girls at the front of the barrier. Looking at him with a marveled intent, as if they can't quite believe he's actually standing before them.

"You alright back there?" He calls out to them gently, causing a few of the girls in the front row to crane their heads back at the two boys.

"You're amazing." One of them stammers, and that's definitely awe on their faces and he breaks out a wide smile, remembering a time when he'd said those exact words to one of his favourite actors, Ian McKellen.

"So are you, would you like me to sign something?" He asks, noticing a copy of one of the printed versions from the Fine Line photoshoot.

"Do you mind?" The other one asks, his voice barely audible over the noise around them.

"Of course not." He says holding out his hand and one of the girls in the front turns to grab the picture from the boy. He thinks for a moment that she's trying to steal it from them but she turns to him with a warm smile and holds it out to him. He takes with a nod of thanks, scribbling his signature over a picture of himself from a day he well remembers and writes a little note on the corner edge.

Only the brave.

He writes, not quite knowing were the words come from but writes them none the less. The pride flag pinned proudly onto both boys labels hadn't gone unnoticed to him.

The same girl offers out her hand, and as she takes the picture and promptly hands it back to the two boys, flashing them a bright smile Harry can't help but feel humbled about the goodness people have in their hearts. He'd been through so much with Louis, their sexualities, but seeing a young girl proudly accept and acknowledge to young, teenage boys visibly showing themselves, he can't help think that maybe it was worth it. If it meant something to even just two people, what he'd struggled through and fought so long and hard for. Maybe it really was all worth it.

He turned then, saying a general last goodbye to the fans realising he'd been much longer than he'd thought and his car was likely waiting for him. What he didn't expect when he turned was to see Louis, stood just off the center of the walkway that lead to the cars. Hands in his pockets and back straight as he watched the entire exchange between Harry and the fans and the sheer look in his eyes.

Harry knew that look, had been on the receiving end of it himself numerous times. Awe. Awe and admiration. And he decided there in that moment that he was so fucking glad he'd been so vulnerable in his song writing, in expressing himself and his openness to people from all walks of life. If he could witness that look on Louis' face, it was all worth it.