Sidelined Love: Chapter 16

I have a smile on my face.

And it’s the strangest feeling.

This isn’t to say that I don’t smile at all. I simply prefer to keep my smiles reserved because it’s the best way to keep from having to talk to people. It works, which is why I continue to do it.

But right now, I couldn’t remove the smile off my face if I tried. I’m not sure how to feel about it.

What I do know is that it has everything to do with Levi.

Fuck.

My grip on my steering wheel tightens as I think about it. Thankfully, I’m almost back at my apartment and then I can think without having to worry about whether I’ll get into an accident or not.

Soon, I find a parking space not too far away from the entrance of my apartment building and I kill the engine. The silence I’m in is still way too loud as my gaze lands on the white box that he gave me. It’s a whole different layer to this puzzle that I don’t want to get into right now.

I unlock my car door and make sure to grab all of my things so I can avoid having to go around to the passenger’s side door. Once my car is locked, I quickly make my way through the entrance of my building and unlock the front door of my apartment.

“Hey, H,” Jade says as soon as I walk across the threshold. She’s sitting on the living room couch watching a movie. However, as soon as I close the door behind me, she turns her body so she’s giving me all of her attention. “What’s with the box?”

“Why don’t you look at it,” I say as I hand it to her because there is no point in playing dumb. I turn my back to her as I take off my shoes and jacket. As I’m putting them in their rightful places, I hear a squeal come from the living area.

“Who gave you flowers?” She pauses after her question before she continues. “Was it⁠—”

“Levi?” I ask, cutting her off. “Yes, those are from him.”

“You’ve got to be shitting me.”

“I’m not and before you jump off the deep end, he told me those are thank you flowers for teaching him how to play chess.”

Jade jumps off the couch and says, “You know that’s such a lie. It’s complete and utter bullshit.” I throw a side eye her way, but she keeps talking. “I’m willing to bet money that him giving you those flowers has nothing to do with him wanting to say thank you.”

“Those were his words, not mine.”

Jade rolls her eyes, obviously not believing a word of it. “You and I both know Levi Jamison didn’t need to buy you flowers just to say thanks for chess lessons.”

“I think you’re reading too much into this,” I reply, trying to brush off what she is implying. But given how much I overthink things, I’m going to think of one million possibilities as to why he did buy them until I find the right one.

“You’re seriously telling me you don’t see it?” She waves the flowers in the air as if they were evidence in a trial. “Come on, Hailey. When was the last time someone got you flowers just because?”

I bite my lip, not wanting to acknowledge it would have been my dad years ago.

Jade places the flowers on the coffee table carefully before making her way over to me and gently squeezing my shoulder. She softens her tone, maybe sensing my discomfort. “Look, all I’m saying is that maybe it doesn’t hurt to see where all of this goes.”

“There’s nowhere to go because nothing’s going on, J. Anyway, what were you watching⁠—”

“Hailey Reed, queen of the chessboard and deflection,” Jade accuses, but her tone is light, teasing.

Who needs enemies when you have friends like this? This time she’s on the receiving end of my eye roll. “Why can’t a guy give a girl flowers without an agenda? He literally said they were a thank-you gift.” I am talking more to myself than to Jade. “Why are you making this more complicated?”

“Because we’re human and this is complicated,” she fires back immediately. “And that guy isn’t just a guy. Levi Jamison is Crestwood’s hockey god⁠—”

“I don’t care about his status,” I cut in sharply, surprising myself. Why am I defending him?

Thankfully, Jade doesn’t pick up on my snarkiness. Or if she does, she doesn’t call me out on it. “Oh, I know you don’t,” she says, dragging out the words in a singsong voice. “But there’s no denying that the hockey captain has got you overthinking everything, and that’s something you try to avoid doing.”

“Yeah, because it takes up too much brain power to sit here debating this. I have other things I need to worry about… like my needing to go to work tomorrow.” I know I’m bluffing because I’m going to be thinking about this for the rest of the night.

Jade gives me a look but walks past me to go to the fridge. She’s about to say something more when my phone’s ringtone plays. I guess I forgot to turn it on vibrate before entering Brewed Beginnings.

It takes me a moment to fish the device out of my bag. My eyes land on the phone screen and see Dad’s name. My stomach does a weird flip. Why is he calling instead of texting?

“Hey, Dad, gimme a second.” I look over at Jade and say, “I’ll be right back.”

I leave the room without waiting for Jade’s response, and once I’m in my bedroom, I close the door behind me. “Okay. What’s up?”

“Hey, sweetheart. Did I catch you at a bad time?” Dad’s voice is warm, and I can’t detect anything strange in it.

“No, no, it’s fine,” I let out a burst of air from my lungs. “Just got back from… a thing.” I sink onto the edge of my bed and cross my legs.

“A thing, huh? Sounds mysterious.” There’s a teasing vibe to his words. “Also sounds like you don’t want to tell your old man about it.”

“There’s nothing really to tell.” That is only sort of true, but I didn’t want to do a deep dive into it.

“That’s okay. I won’t pry. Just wanted to check in on you.”

“Everything’s good here. How about you?”

There’s a pause on the line and I brace for what he’s about to say. “Things are going well here too. Work is work and I’m doing a couple of things around the house. You’ll probably notice them when you come home.”

That doesn’t seem too bad. It isn’t the first time he’s fixed or improved some things while I’ve been away at school. “Are the projects major things? Is there anything you need help with? I can come home one weekend and help.”

“Oh no, no, no.” I can feel him waving me off through the phone even before the words come out of his mouth. “I’ve got everything under control. If I want to do anything drastic, I can ask Henry to come and help out.”

I nod along to my father’s words. Although Crestwood isn’t far from my childhood home, I’d been worried about my dad and how things would be once I moved away. It might be a strange thing for me to think about, but it has been the two of us for so long, I was worried about the change.

Or maybe it is me projecting my own feelings onto my father.

But things have gone well, and Dad still has Henry and others in our community to count on. And for that, I’m grateful.

That reminds me of something. “Dad, I’m putting together an event at Oak Terrace in a few weeks. We’re going to have a chess night for some of the citizens there. If you want to come and be there for it…” My voice trails off as I wait for his response.

“Are you kidding me? Of course I want to be there. Just tell me the date and time and I’ll be there.”

I smile, feeling the warmth of his enthusiasm through the phone. It’s a comforting reminder that no matter what else changes, he is a constant in my life. “Thanks, Dad. I’ll text you the details later.”

“That sounds great, Hailey. But there’s something else I wanted to tell you. Related to something we talked about when we went out to dinner.”

“What is it? Did you end up getting a dog?” I ask, suddenly nervous about the shift in his tone. A dog to see and play with sounds awesome in my mind.

“Well, I met someone,” he says.

Someone? The word bounces around my head with no sign of slowing down. “Oh?” is all I manage to get out. Because what else is there to say?

“Yeah, it was unexpected,” he admits with a small chuckle. “At the grocery store of all places. Her name’s Angela. We’ve been talking over the last couple of days and so far, she’s lovely.”

My mouth drops open as I hop off my bed. It’s as if my world has tilted off its axis slightly and nothing is in alignment anymore. But I can’t show it.

“Oh wow.” The words taste like cardboard on my tongue. Speaking about it is one thing, but now this is becoming real.

I’d done my best to not think about it for the most part after Dad brought it up, but all of those emotions I’ve tried to hide from myself are back and bubbling underneath the surface.

“I want to be transparent about it, especially because we already talked about it,” Dad continues. “I’m thinking of asking her out to dinner.”

I swallow hard, trying to maintain a calm façade over the phone. Thankfully, he can’t see what I’m actually doing because he would immediately be able to read me like a book.

I can’t explain why I’m panicking about this, but I am. It all seems fast for me, but I’m proud of him for taking this step. I take a deep, shaky breath, trying to steady my voice before responding. “That’s great, Dad. I’m really happy for you.”

The words sound silly to me, but it’s all I can come up with. I pace the length of my bedroom to give my body something to do because I don’t know what will happen if I don’t.

“Thanks, sweetheart. I know this might feel a little strange for you. It’s new for me too. But I want you to know that no matter what happens, you’ll always be my number one.”

I feel tears forming at the corners of my eyes and I hate it. “I know. It’s… it’s been the two of us for so long, so this feels strange.”

“I know and we don’t know where any of this may go anyway.”

That’s true. It’s not as if he’s getting married again or something.

Yet. But that isn’t something I have to think about right now.

“I’m happy for you, really,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady.

“I appreciate you being so supportive. This is all still new; I’m just exploring things with her.”

We chat for another minute or two before saying goodbye. As soon as I end the call, the floodgates open. I crawl into bed, burying my face in the pillow as sobs wrack my body, hoping Jade can’t hear me.

I cry until the only thing I can do is be a sniffling mess, the pillowcase now damp due to my tears. I can’t stop the feelings I’m having even if I know it’s selfish. He promises he’ll always be there, but so did Mom. I’m scared of losing him, even though I understand he deserves happiness.

Eventually, my tears subside and my breath steadies. I rub my eyes with the back of my hand before sitting up. I don’t even know how long I’ve been crying for at this point.

Wiping away the remaining traces of tears on my cheeks, I take a deep breath and gather myself. I’m not able to fix this alone. I need to talk to someone else about this to work through my emotions.

I sit down at my desk and turn on my laptop. It takes me a little bit before I figure out what I’m looking for and I end up on Crestwood’s mental health services web page. My eyes scan over the options and I start filling out the information they require.

I select an appointment slot on their online booking system, hovering over the confirm button. Do I really want to do this? Before I can dissect the answer further, I press the button, and almost instantly, a confirmation notification pops up.

That small action feels monumental, although I’m absolutely scared shitless.