Sidelined Love: Chapter 17

“You can give me one more rep.”

I want to glare at him and cuss him out for suggesting it, but my focus is on bench pressing this weight. New sweat beads form on my forehead and gravity has its way as it trails down my skin. I’m in the zone, feeling every muscle fiber singing with that good kind of burn—you know, the one that screams progress.

However, it doesn’t mean that I want to do another rep. I now wish that I had my headphones on to tune him out. Taylor Swift wouldn’t force me to do another rep.

I push up the barbell with a grunt, locking my arms before letting it drop back to the rack with a satisfying clank. I’m breathing hard as I try to recover from the effort I just exerted.

Asher claps his hands once. “There it is! That’s what I’m talking about!”

I roll my head to the side to look at him. “You’re enjoying this too much,” I accuse, but there’s no real bite to my words.

He picks up my hand towel and tosses it at me. “Hey, you gotta admit, it felt good.”

Wiping the perspiration from my face, I sit up and shake my head. “You’re right, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that I like it.”

Asher’s laugh is loud in the gym, drawing a few glances our way as he helps me up. Of course, he finds all of this hilarious because he already finished his set.

“C’mon, man. Admitting it is the first step.”

I snort as I grab my water bottle and take a long swig, letting the cold liquid soothe my throat. Asher moves on to the next machine, but I stay back for a moment as I try to decide which machine I’m going to use next.

My mind drifts back to yesterday’s chess lesson with Hailey. I’d gone in with low expectations, especially after I was late. Heck, I wouldn’t have blamed her for leaving, but she’d surprised me.

She didn’t hold back from calling me out when necessary, but she also praised me when I made a good play.

“Levi.”

I look up at Asher and see he’s doing some crunches on the ab machine.

“You’re thinking about her, aren’t you?” Asher’s knowing glance makes me shift uncomfortably.

I try to play dumb. “Thinking about who?”

“Really, dude? You know exactly who I’m talking about.”

“Not a clue.”

“Hailey, the barista and chess player.”

I bite back the sigh. “What? No. I’m just focused on getting through this workout.” But he sees right through me.

“Uh-huh. That’s why you’ve got a little smile on your face,” he teases. “Your chess session must have gone well.”

“It was a chess session,” I say nonchalantly.

“Yeah, it must have been something more than that because you’re actively avoiding telling me anything about it.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

Asher stops moving to stare at me. “We’ve extensively talked about the women we’ve slept with and now you don’t want to say a word about playing chess?”

Talking about who we’ve had sex with isn’t my finest hour, but for some reason, I don’t want to delve too much into what happened between Hailey and me, even to my best friend.

I shrug my shoulders. “It was just chess, nothing to tell.”

“Levi, c’mon. Knowing you, you probably talked about more than just what direction a pawn moves in.”

I can’t help but chuckle. “Well, we did talk, but it wasn’t anything that deep.”

“Anything that deep, huh?” Asher raises an eyebrow. “Let me guess, you discovered you both like the same kind of drinks?”

I shake my head. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Then what was it like?”

I pause, considering how to describe it. “It was… good,” I say slowly. “Most of it was about chess, but we did get to know each other a little bit better.”

Asher’s eyes light up. “That sounds like it could have led into pretty deep territory to me.”

“It wasn’t, trust me.” I walk away from him, hoping he’ll get the hint and get back to his workout.

He doesn’t, instead choosing to follow me around, almost like a lost puppy.

“So, what are you going to do about it?”

I shrug again. “Nothing. There isn’t anything to do.”

“Who are you? Where’s the Levi I know?” Asher asks, his disbelief evident in his voice. “I’ve never seen you act this way before when it comes to a girl you’re interested in.”

That’s because this whole thing is different and something I’ve never experienced. Hailey has made it clear that because I’m on the hockey team and have the celebrity status that comes with it, there is an issue for her. It doesn’t change the attraction I feel toward her. It also doesn’t change my thoughts about her fighting this thing that is growing between us.

“You’re not going to quit with this, are you?”

“Nope, so we should talk about it now and then we get to finish our workout for the day.”

With a heavy sigh, I look over at Asher and say, “I don’t know what to do.”

Asher drops the playful tone, his expression becoming serious. “Yeah, I get it. You don’t do relationships, but you want to get to know her better, so you feel conflicted.”

I nod, acknowledging the truth in his words. “It’s more than that too. She doesn’t like attention and she would get that if this did turn into something more. That isn’t really avoidable.”

“So, what’s the solution?”

I don’t know what the solution is. I feel trapped between my desire to get to know Hailey better and the reality of the situation and her feelings regarding it. I can keep the status quo between us as long as possible, but I’m not going to hold out hope that she’ll eventually change her mind about the attention that would come with dating me. However, I don’t want to ignore whatever this is either. All of this is happening while I’m trying not to move too fast and screw things up.

“I don’t know, and I’m not just saying that because I’m trying to avoid talking about all of this.”

“Fair. Okay I’ll leave you alone about it. For now.”

“Thank you.”

As we continue our workout in silence, Asher’s words are playing on repeat in my head. What am I going to do? I don’t want to ignore the growing connection between Hailey and me, but I also can’t ignore the reality of the situation. Even if she likes me, she might never overcome her dislike of the attention that comes along with dating me.

I lift the weights without thinking much about it because my mind isn’t into it, but I know it’s something I have to do. A part of me wants to give up, to convince myself that I’m doing too much for something that won’t work out.

But I’m not a quitter.

Until I know for sure that Hailey wants nothing to do with me, I won’t give up. I can’t deny the way she makes me feel and I’m not willing to throw it away unless I absolutely have to.

I finish my set, my muscles exhausted, but my mind is still moving at a million miles an hour. As I wipe the sweat from my brow, I glance at Asher, who’s looking back at me.

“You’ll figure it out,” he says. “You always do.”

He’s right and things will work out the way they’re supposed to. Once we finish up our workout, we collect our things and head on out.

Outside the gym, I take a deep breath of the cooler air, a stark contrast to the stuffiness Asher and I left behind. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I take it out half expecting it to be someone trying to spam me with… something. Instead, it’s from my father’s personal email account.

Swiping the screen with my thumb, I open the email. And I quickly realize I should have ignored it:

“Levi,

I’ve reviewed the tapes from your last game several times now. While your performance was adequate in terms of scoring, there are things that need to be improved when it comes to defense in both your maneuvers and power play strategies…”

The words blur as I scroll through his message. Words like “improve,” “inefficiencies,” and “missed opportunities” feel as if they are everywhere. My father’s voice repeats in my mind because I can hear him saying every word. It’s obvious he thinks I’m supposed to be perfect.

Just like he viewed Caleb.

Not once does he mention the goal I scored or the assists. No mention of the way I rallied the team when we were feeling demoralized. It’s a clinical dissection of everything I did that he didn’t approve of. There is no hint of pride or satisfaction in my doing a damn good job in helping my team win our game.

I can feel Asher’s eyes on me as if he’s trying to figure out what is going on. When I finally reach the end of the email, I’m pissed, and I fill Asher in on what just happened.

“This is fucking typical of him. I’m not even surprised. Just disappointed.”

“Hey, man, don’t let him get inside your head. You can’t, or he’s going to fuck up your ability to function, let alone play.”

“I know,” I say with an annoyed groan. “It’s more bullshit I have to deal with when it comes to him and how he views me and Caleb.”

Saying his name out loud stirs up a mess of emotions inside me. My throat tightens at the thought of my brother, even after all of these years. The wound that his passing away caused still hasn’t healed. I don’t know if it ever will.

“There’s something that has been on my mind for a while, and I didn’t know how to say it, but I think it’s something you need to hear right now.”

I’d be lying if I said I’m not nervous about what he’s going to say. “What is it?”

“Caleb wouldn’t have wanted you to live your life like this.”

A pin could drop in the car right now and sound like a glass shattering. Deep down, I know he’s right.

“I sometimes think about what he’d say if he saw me now,” I confess, feeling a rare vulnerability creep into my voice. “Would he be proud?”

“He’d tell you to drop your dad’s expectations like a bad habit,” Asher replies matter-of-factly. “Caleb played out of passion for the sport, not for approval, even when your father used to hound him.”

“Yeah, I can’t stand this anymore. But saying that out loud to you versus telling my father is a totally different thing.” I don’t want to think about this anymore. “But enough about him. I don’t want to keep my attention focused on him.”

Shaking off the email, I lock my phone and shove it back into my pocket. I’m going to ignore the message for as long as I can. Because though his words may sting, they will not define me.