Sidelined Love: Chapter 18

My leg bounces up and down to an imaginary beat in my head. Saying I’m nervous about what is going to happen is an understatement.

I can’t believe I’ve done it. This is probably something I should have done years ago.

I’m sitting in Emily Shaw’s office, one of the therapists on Crestwood’s campus, debating if I still have enough time to run out of here ahead of my appointment.

My gaze lands on a therapy dog I found out was named Charles, and I wonder if it’s worth sitting down there and petting him to calm my nerves. He looks so peaceful laying there with what looks to be soft, golden fur, but I can’t manage to make myself walk up to him. It’s as if I’m frozen to this seat, unable to move.

I steal a quick glance at the closed door leading to Emily’s office as my anxiety about this whole thing continues to build. All I can do is let out a deep breath and shake my head. It’s a silly idea since her assistant has already signed me in, but I won’t lie and say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind.

I watch as the clock hanging on the wall to my left ticks away, reminding me that every second I’m here is another second closer to me spilling the secrets I’ve kept from everyone else. Again. Not exactly my idea of a fun Thursday afternoon, but I also know this is what I need to do.

My thoughts are interrupted by a voice calling my name. “Hailey Reed?”

My eyes land on a woman with blonde hair and thin-rimmed glasses standing in a doorway. Dread clouds my mind but I force a smile, which I never do, and my stomach does this weird little flip thing, twisting into knots. My nerves and anxiety are something else.

“Hi,” I reply, standing up too quickly. My legs feel like they’ve been replaced with rubber bands, but I still manage to stay upright. I grab my bookbag and follow her into the office and sit down in a plush navy-blue armchair.

The office emanates a peaceful feeling with the light blue paint I’m sure is done by design. The walls are adorned with diplomas and certificates and a couple pieces of abstract art that aren’t meant to be the centerpiece of the room. Bookshelves overflow with texts on psychology, human behavior, and a couple of plants.

Emily is dressed in a simple, yet elegant, cream blouse paired with navy slacks that mirror the color of the armchair I sat on. Her blonde hair is pulled back in a way that’s both professional and effortlessly chic. She closes the door behind us as I set my bag down.

“Welcome, Hailey,” she says with a voice that’s softer than I’d imagined. Then again, I’d gone into this without any expectations. “I’m Emily Shaw. It’s great to have you here.”

“Thanks,” I manage to respond, my words feeling clumsy and awkward in comparison to hers. I’m not sure why.

“I know coming to therapy can feel overwhelming, but please know this is a safe space. Everything we discuss here will remain confidential.”

I nod slowly. Hearing it from her provides a layer of assurance I didn’t have when I walked in here. For that, I’m grateful.

“How has your day been so far?” Emily asks.

“It’s been… okay,” I reply, trying not to rush the words out because it would give away my nervousness. Then again, I don’t think she would judge me for being anxious. “I worked my shift at Brewed Beginnings and then had an environmental science class before coming here.”

“Oh? That sounds fascinating. What are you studying at the moment?”

“We’re looking into sustainable agriculture methods,” I explain, happy to talk about something that’s more neutral. “Like the impact of farm runoff on local ecosystems.”

“That’s incredibly important work. Do you enjoy it?”

“I do, actually. It all can be a lot sometimes. I’m talking about the workload, by the way.”

Emily nods. “It can be difficult balancing personal life and responsibilities. How are things at Brewed Beginnings?”

A sigh escapes my lips as I think about my part-time job at the coffee shop. “Brewed Beginnings is… eh. It’s like my second home, but I have issues with my manager. My coworkers and customers are usually pretty cool though.” I think about how Levi has become one of my regulars now.

“But that’s not stressing you outside it being an addition to your schedule?”

I hesitate before answering. “I mean I would prefer to not be doing it, but the extra money helps make ends meet as well as gives me some spending money.”

“Understandably. Why don’t we talk about what brought you here today.”

I take a deep breath, feeling as if I’m about to rip the Band-Aid off, exposing a wound that was barely covered to begin with. “It’s… it’s my dad,” I begin, looking down at my fingers. “He’s in the process of starting to date again. It’s weird because, well, he hasn’t dated since my mom left us.”

Emily tilts her head slightly. I notice that her eyes seem to be kind and attentive, encouraging me to continue without rushing me.

“I somewhat remember how it happened, at least from my perspective anyway,” I clear my throat before going on. “My mom walked out on us when I was nine. Just packed up and left without a word to me or my father. Dad mentioned they got into an argument the day before, and apparently, she packed her things while he was at work and I was at school. Dad tried to shield me from it, but he couldn’t hide that no matter how hard he tried. I remember I used to wake up in the middle of the night, thinking I’d heard her voice. I’d run around looking for her, only to find no one there.”

I shift in my seat, pulling at the hem of my sweater to give my hands something to do. “I also would wake up each morning, and for a fraction of a second… forget. Forget she was gone. Then reality would crash into me all over again. Dad was my rock though. He never let on how hard it hit him. All he did was show compassion and love to get me through that time. And you know what else is interesting about him?”

“What’s that, Hailey?”

I pause to take a deep breath as tears began to pool in the corners of my eyes. “He never spoke ill of her, you know? He did everything he could to keep things as normal for me as possible. Even though his life had also been flipped on its head. I’m so grateful for everything he has done, and I want to do a better job at expressing that to him.”

“It sounds like your father has been a constant source of support and stability for you,” she says gently. “It’s clear how much you appreciate and recognize his efforts, even during such challenging times. It’s natural to feel a mix of gratitude and concern when family dynamics change, especially given what you’ve experienced with your mother.”

“And now that he’s interested in seeing someone, I’m scared,” I finally blurt out. “I know I should be happy for him, really. It’s been years since Mom left and he deserves happiness. But there’s this fear that it might drastically change my relationship with my father. Also, if their relationship progresses and they become serious, what if I let myself trust this woman and… what if she leaves too?”

Emily leans forward slightly, her hands folded neatly on her lap. “It’s natural to have these fears, Hailey, considering what has happened to you. But it’s also important to remember that we can’t predict the future.”

“How do I deal with it then? I was full on sobbing when my dad told me there is a woman that he is interested in.” My voice is barely above a whisper as a tear falls from my eyes.

“First you need to acknowledge your feelings. But then you must work toward not letting them control your actions or thoughts about others. Your father is his own person, capable of making decisions for his well-being—just like you can for yours.”

I sniffle and nod once more. What she said makes a lot of sense, but the fear is still there. Wiping a stray tear away, I can’t help but draw parallels between how I view my dad’s potential new relationship and how I treat the other relationships in my life.

“I guess…” I start, hesitating as I try to untangle my emotions, “this fear isn’t just about Dad. It’s seeping into other areas of my life. Like with Levi.”

Emily tilts her head. “Who is Levi?”

“Levi Jamison is the captain of Crestwood’s hockey team. We met when he came into the coffee shop one day, and he’s sort of been in my life ever since. But I’m keeping him at arm’s length. Probably because I’m afraid to let anyone in.” It feels awkward to admit this out loud, but here we are.

“It’s normal to want to protect yourself from potentially getting hurt.”

I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “Levi doesn’t know about my mom. I haven’t told him because⁠—”

“Because you’re afraid of letting him in,” Emily finishes for me.

I nod reluctantly. “Yes, and it’s like… every time he tries to get closer, I find some excuse to push him away.”

“Maybe your reluctance to let Levi in is less about him and more about your need for control. It’s another change and you have a fear of unpredictability in relationships because of what your mother has done.”

I have no response because she hit the nail on the head. My childhood trauma has been exposed and everything she said makes so much sense. And this is part of the reason why I came here today.

“I want to change that.” And I mean every word.

We talk more, and by the end of the session, my eyes feel heavy from the crying, but the burden on my shoulders feels lighter. As I stand up to leave, I grab my bag and head to the door.

“Thank you for coming in, Hailey,” Emily says as I reach for the door handle.

“No, thank you. And I’ll definitely be back.”

I open the door and walk into the waiting area. I wave goodbye to Emily’s receptionist before leaving the building.

As I’m walking back to my apartment, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and see a text from Jade.

Oh hell. What is Jade trying to get me into now?

As I hit send, another message pops up from her before I can even put my phone back in my pocket again.

I stare at the screen for a moment longer than necessary. The lure of free drinks is appealing. A night out sounds like something I need after the day I’ve had.