Sidelined Love: Chapter 22

Days later, I find myself back in Emily’s office, staring at her and wondering what the hell my life has become. I need someone to talk to and she is the person that makes the most sense. Talking to Jade would have also been helpful, but that would mean admitting everything that happened at Sapphire Tavern to her. Then again, I suspect she had a good idea about what occurred. While I plan on eventually telling her, I need to get my thoughts straight first. Discussing this with my father is the last thing I want to do at this point, given the new stage he is moving toward in his life. Not to mention, hello awkwardness.

Regardless, my mind is a complete mess and feels as if it’s spiraling out of control because I can’t make sense of it. But I’m not sure where to begin.

Thankfully, she speaks first. “Welcome back, Hailey. How is everything going?”

“It’s going is about all I can say. They’re a lot of moving pieces and I’m not sure which piece to focus on first.”

“Hmmm… okay. What’s the biggest moving piece? Or the thing that is bothering you the most right now? Maybe we can start with that first, if you want?”

I nod my head slowly, trying to gather the courage to admit what has been bothering me the most. “It’s Levi. We had an… incident at the bar this weekend, and I’m trying to process how I feel about it.”

“What happened?”

I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I share the details of my encounter with Levi. Embarrassment grows within me as I recount the events that led to Levi’s impulsive kiss and my kissing him back. It’s awkward to be admitting this, but I need to tell her in order for her to help me process my feelings.

“And after he kissed you, you left?” Emily prompts, urging me to finish the whole story.

“Yes. Like my ass was on fire.” I blow out a huge breath of air. “I needed space from… from whatever this thing between us is turning into.”

Emily doesn’t flinch at my colorful metaphor. “Space can be healthy, but talking it out with him, since he didn’t harm you in any way, might have also been a good idea, don’t you think?”

“I know, and part of it was because I was drinking, although not that much,” I admit, tapping my foot to an imaginary beat. “In the past, when my fight or flight response kicks in, I’ve always done the flight thing, which is what happened that night and probably would have happened quicker if my instincts hadn’t short-circuited. I’m not used to someone… someone like him being interested in me.”

Emily taps her pen on her chin for a couple of seconds before she says, “Is it Levi himself that’s causing these feelings, or could it be what he represents? The possibility of being hurt again?”

I hadn’t thought of it that way, but as soon as she says it, something clicks inside me. Levi isn’t just any guy. Whatever is happening between us is a test of whether I can take a risk on someone and not be fearful that they’ll abandon me like my mother did.

“It’s both,” I reply after a long pause. “Not to mention, he has some of his own things he needs to work through. Plus, I’m not a huge fan of the amount of attention that he gets for being a star hockey player on campus. Hell, maybe I’m jumping the gun on all of this and I’m overthinking like usual.”

Emily nods thoughtfully. “You’re right; entering a relationship means intertwining your life with someone else’s struggles and dreams. But remember, Hailey, you bring your own strengths into this equation. Your empathy and understanding could be exactly what someone like Levi needs.”

“I don’t know. There’s still the whole limelight issue and my panicking when I ran away from him a few nights ago. He sent me a text message, apologizing to me and asking to meet up so we can talk about it. I haven’t responded to him yet.”

“And you want to talk to him, right?”

I nod, but for some reason can’t say the words out loud.

Emily offers a gentle smile, as if she’s read my silence loud and clear. “I’m glad he reached out because there’s a conversation that needs to happen between you two. Communication is key in any relationship, friendship or otherwise.”

I let out a long sigh, dragging my hands down my face. It takes everything not to pull on my bun. “You’re right. I know I need to talk to him. I’m just scared.”

“What scares you the most about having an honest conversation with Levi?”

I pause, chewing my bottom lip as I consider her question. “Outside of everything that would come with being involved with him, I guess, on the flip side… I’m scared he’ll reject me. Tell me he made a mistake or got caught up in the moment. Or that he’ll end up confirming I’m too closed off and difficult for someone like him to date.”

“Those are understandable concerns,” Emily says gently. “But you won’t know how Levi truly feels unless you communicate openly with him. Give him a chance to share his perspective too. He might surprise you.”

I nod slowly, knowing she’s right but still feeling the vice of anxiety around my chest.

“Hailey, relationships require courage and vulnerability from both people involved,” she continues. “I know your mother’s abandonment left deep scars, but don’t let that close you off to new possibilities. You have so much love and strength within you.”

I feel my eyes well up with tears at her words. She’s hit upon the root of my deepest fears. I truly feel as if I’m unlovable, which is what I’ve long believed my mother thought. That’s the only reason why she would have left me, isn’t it?

“Hey, it’s okay,” Emily says softly, passing me a tissue from her desk. “I know this is difficult, Hailey. You’re trying to heal old wounds and that can be a painful process, but you have already shown so much courage just by coming and talking to me.”

I swallow hard and dab at my eyes with the tissue. Emily is right. I have come a long way since my mother left all those years ago. Therapy has helped me continue to process my pain and start building back my sense of self-worth. Levi stirs up intense emotions in me, but it doesn’t mean I should run away from it.

“Maybe I’m ready to try having an honest conversation with Levi,” I say quietly. “I want to figure out what this is, even if the thought terrifies me.”

She smiles. “That’s wonderful, Hailey.”

Emily and I talk through how I will approach the conversation with Levi. I want to be open about my fears and I also want to listen to his thoughts about all of this.

By the end of the session, I feel a new sense of hope about my situation. Emily has helped me get clarity on my feelings and given me the confidence to have this discussion with him. As I leave her office and walk back to my apartment after the appointment, I feel lighter, but that could be due to the crying session I had a few minutes prior.

When I get home, Jade is sitting on the couch working on a homework assignment. She looks up when I come in.

“Hey! How was therapy?” she asks.

I sigh and plop down on the couch next to her. “It was good. Rough but good.”

Jade closes her laptop and turns to face me. “Do you want to talk about anything?”

Even though I just saw Emily, I want to let Jade in on a part of it too. She’s my best friend and knows about my struggles with dealing with my mom even though she wasn’t in my life when it happened.

“I’m so afraid of getting hurt again, you know?” I confess. “My mom really did a number on me, and I’ve mostly avoided entanglements with other people while being here, but this is a different ball game. Or should I say hockey game?”

My little joke makes Jade chuckle as she grabs my hand and squeezes it supportively. “I get that, I really do. But not every person is going to hurt you like she did. Sometimes you need to take a chance, and it’s obvious that Levi has been trying to get your attention if it’s something you’re truly interested in.”

“You think so?”

Jade nods. “I really do. I’ve seen the way Levi looks at you when we’ve all been together. That guy is smitten.”

“Who says smitten anymore?”

“What’s wrong with that? It’s just another way to say he has feelings for you, Hailey. Do you want me to say he wants a situationship with you? I’m willing to bet he wants at least that and more. It’s been a while since you’ve gotten laid so it wouldn’t be the worst thing…” Her voice trails off as she shrugs.

That makes me laugh. “Fine. I get your point. I should probably text him back.”

“I agree. Do it and get it over with.”

I take a deep breath and pull out my phone. I stare at the screen for a moment before I finally find Levi’s name and open up our message thread.

I stare at the message for a long moment, my finger lingering over the send button. The doubt is still there, but I know this is a step I need to take. Before I can overthink it further, I hit send, turn my phone’s sound up, and set the device down.

“There. It’s done,” I say, looking up at Jade.

She grins and pulls me into a hug. “That’s my girl!”

I can’t help but smile too as I return the embrace. Despite my nerves, it feels good to put myself out there once more, just in a different way.

I get up from the couch, suddenly feeling restless after sending that text to Levi. My phone sits face down on the coffee table, and I resist the urge to pick it up and check for a response.

Because there shouldn’t be one since my ringer is on and it hasn’t rung.

“I’m going to make something to eat. Want anything?” I ask Jade. This is a distraction I desperately need, and I know doing homework right now wouldn’t provide it.

“Ooh yes, I’ll take whatever you’re having,” she says.

I head to the kitchen and start rummaging through the fridge and cabinets, pulling out ingredients almost at random. My mind is only half focused on the task at hand. I settle on making grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup because it’s easy and will keep me busy for the time being.

As the scent of toasting bread and simmering soup fills the air, Jade starts a conversation about her latest art project. We engage in small talk as I finish cooking and serve our meal. We’re halfway through eating when my phone’s text ringtone plays. Jade and I stare at my phone before looking back at each other.

“Are you going to read it?” Jade asks almost frantically.

“Shit, I guess.” My voice trails off as I stand from the kitchen counter where we are eating. There’s a chance it could be someone else, like my father, texting me. But I doubt it if I’m being honest. I grab my phone from the coffee table, flip it over and read the text.

“Well, he’s cool with meeting at the same time we usually have our chess lessons. Now I have to mentally prepare for this conversation.”

Jade gives me an encouraging smile. “You’ve got this.”

I have to have this because there’s no going back now.