Sidelined Love: Chapter 21

The harsh beeping of my phone’s alarm forces me awake. I groan and fumble to hit the stop button, wishing I had a chance to hit the snooze button instead to get a few more minutes of sleep. Not getting much rest the evening before will do that to you. The chances of me feeling like a zombie today are high.

Pushing the covers off my body, I sit up and run a hand through my hair. The first thing I think of is Hailey and how I royally fucked up last night. How could I have been so stupid? I let my desire to have her in any way I could, get the best of me, and I acted without thinking properly.

Seeing her in that red dress had done something to my brain. More accurately, it had done something to my dick. I’d wanted to rip that dress off her but knew better than to do it in public.

However, I didn’t know enough to keep myself from making out with her in the back hallway of Sapphire Tavern. It was as exhilarating as being out on the ice, and for a brief moment, I pushed all thoughts of potential consequences to the side.

Which is something I shouldn’t have done.

I’d wanted to go after her, to talk about what I did and apologize, but Wilder thought it was best that I leave everything alone for the time being.

As much as it hurt, I knew he was right. So I followed his lead, and soon after Jade and Hailey left the bar, I did too.

Regret is all I feel as I realize I ruined her night. From what I know about her, it’s rare for her to venture out and do that type of thing. Her life consists of the work she needs to do for her college courses, her job, and chess club.

Fuck.

I hadn’t even begun to think about whether she’ll want to continue the chess lessons we’ve been doing together. They are the most fun I’ve had in a long time and now they might be ruined by my impulsive actions.

But for now, I have to put that on the backburner. My focus is on the day ahead and repairing what little relationship Hailey and I had started to build.

Dragging myself out of bed, I shake off the nagging thoughts of Hailey, trying to focus on what I need to complete today. My feet hit the rug my mother insisted I needed in my bedroom, and I stand up, stretching my arms high above my head.

I walk to the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face to help myself wake up more before throwing on the clothes I need to wear to practice and grabbing a quick breakfast. This is part of my routine since I started at Crestwood and usually it’s an opportunity for me to get into the zone and focus on what I need to do on the ice.

However, the only thing I can think of is Hailey.

That continues as I finish eating, leave my apartment, and head down to the rink. The urge to text her is there, but I need to take my time with this and not jump into it, which is how I got into this situation to begin with.

Once I’m at the rink, I put on my gear and lace up my skates, then step out onto the freshly smoothed ice. I need to keep my mind on this and not on Hailey.

As practice kicks off, Coach Johnson puts us through drills that come one after another. I try to let muscle memory take over, but my focus isn’t there and I know it.

A puck slips past me that shouldn’t have. A rookie could have easily made the play I just missed.

“Jamison! Eyes on the puck!” Coach Johnson yells, and I feel the sting from his words.

I glance at Asher who shoots me a look across the ice. He waits for us to talk about it until Coach calls for a break. “Dude, what’s going on with you today?”

“Wish I knew,” I reply with a shrug, trying to deflect his perceptiveness. “Not feeling it, I guess.”

Asher gives me a look that says he doesn’t believe my shit. “Does it have anything to do with Hailey? Wilder mentioned what happened last night.”

It’s not shocking that word has gotten to him even though he wasn’t there. Wilder has no issue talking, and I didn’t ask him not to say anything. I’m also not surprised that Asher is able to put two and two together.

“Yeah, it’s Hailey,” I confess, taking a swig from my water bottle. “I screwed up last night and I can’t think of anything but that. It’s messing with me.”

“You’re not going to be able to stop thinking about the situation or her until you solve it.”

He taps his stick against the rubber matting under our feet as I think about what he said.

“I know that too,” I finally say.

“You’ve said before that you need to ‘Leave it all on the ice.’ Maybe it’s time you do that off the ice too. Man, go talk to her after practice. Clear the air.”

Wilder strolls up to us, but his trademark smile isn’t on his face. “So, are we talking about Hailey?”

“Yeah. Asher’s giving me his sage advice.” It comes out more sarcastic than I intend, but Asher doesn’t take offense. Maybe Hailey is rubbing off on me, and I wish that she was rubbing on me.

“Well, let’s hear it then,” Wilder says as he looks at Asher.

Asher rolls his eyes but repeats himself for Wilder’s benefit. “I told Levi here that he needs to go talk to Hailey and take care of this.”

“Oh, he’s going to need a lot more than talking to deal with Hailey,” Wilder adds.

His tone sets me on edge. “Why? Did you hear anything from Jade?”

Wilder shakes his head. “Jade and I are friends, but I know she’s not going to betray Hailey by telling me things about her when it comes to this. It’s something I respect about her and know she would do the same for me. This is just based on what I saw last night.”

He knew exactly what happened the moment he saw me with her lipstick smeared across my face and how she ran out of the bar like a bat out of hell.

The truth in his words hits me square in the chest. I’ve been trying to figure Hailey out since the day we met. Every time I think I’ve made progress, she throws up another wall. It’s frustrating as hell, but I’m determined to break every single one. There’s something there and I need to be patient.

Coach Johnson blows his whistle, announcing it’s time for practice to continue.

“Thanks, guys,” I say.

“If Jade says anything, I’ll let you know. But chances of that are slim,” Wilder chimes in before heading back toward the ice.

I put my water bottle down and both Asher and I join Wilder. I channel all of my restless energy into practice, spending less time thinking about Hailey now that I was able to talk it out with someone. There is still a lot I need to figure out, but the short conversation during our break helped calm the racing thoughts in my head so I can focus on getting the job done at practice.

As the coach blows his whistle for the final time, I feel relieved. Practice is over and I can finally stop pretending like everything is okay. My performance on the ice today was far from my best, but at least I managed to make it through without any major mishaps.

I offer Coach a nod as I come off the ice, and his return grunt is as good as I’m going to get today. It’s obvious to everyone how off my game I was today, but no one else mentions it.

Without a word to anyone in the locker room, I hit the showers and change into my street clothes, and for the first time in a few days, my thoughts drift to my father. It’s been a few days since his last email landed in my inbox, a laundry list of expectations and thinly veiled disappointment in anything less than perfection.

The weight of my father’s aspirations sits heavy on my shoulders, a burden I’ve carried since we lost Caleb. Hockey isn’t just a game. It’s a living memorial to my brother who is supposed to be in my place right now.

How have things gotten this fucked up? Or were they always this way?

As I stuff my gear into my duffel, I find myself thinking how it would be nice to have Caleb to talk with about what’s going on with Hailey. I know he would have found the right words that I could use to smooth over last night’s mess in a heartbeat. Then my thoughts drift to how different my life would have been in general.

But he’s not here and nothing I can do will change that. I zip up my hoodie and sling my bag over my shoulder, shoving the thoughts I’m having to the back of my mind.

As I’m walking out of the locker room, Asher strolls over to me. I didn’t know he was still here. “You good?”

I manage a half-smile. “Yeah, I’m going to figure out a way to talk to Hailey. I think it will help a bunch of things fall into place.”

“Good plan.”

We walk together to my car, and I ask Asher, “Did you drive, or do you want me to take you back to your place?”

“I didn’t drive so I’d love a ride back.”

“Not an issue.” I unlock the car doors and once our hockey gear is in the trunk, we slide into our respective seats.

Before I can start the car, Asher speaks again. “Why don’t you reach out to Hailey before we take off?”

That’s a great point. It would be easy to do it right now. It gives me the opportunity to lift some of the weight I’ve been feeling off my shoulders. Plus, at least right now I can somewhat think straight. But I don’t want to talk to Hailey about this over the phone or via text.

I need to see her face, read her expressions. So many things can get lost in translation over text or the phone. I pull out my phone, hovering over her name. It’s now or never. My thumb hovers over the call button, but then I hesitate. Maybe texting instead to ask if I can see her would be easier for both of us.

I glance at Asher for a second and then say, “Fine, I’ll send her a text right now.”

There. It isn’t the most eloquent message of all time, but I hope it will do the trick. Now all I have to do is wait to see what her response will be.