Thrive: Chapter 3

: Life is never what you think it is. Lesson of the Day

Mikka

Jay had nuclear-bombed his career. I got the call at six in the morning that he’d partied even harder than we had two weeks ago.

“I’ll text you updates, Mikka. But this is bad,” Bob grumbled into the phone. Bob had been Jay’s advocate for so long, an older jolly boss who absolutely loved Jay like his own son. “We can’t keep him tied to the company if this movie deal falls through.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I shot out of bed to walk to the other room, scrambling to put together what he was saying.

“It’s just guilt by association, Meek. You understand. We either get this done or we have to let him go. Guillermo specifically wants him in rehab or he loses the movie too. You need to get that done, get him there, or his career is over and we reassess the clients you work with.”

After we hung up, my phone buzzed with another text from my boss: screenshots of a headline. Someone had caught Jay with lines of coke in the club bathroom. Another paparazzo caught him in the parking lot with a hand up some blonde’s skirt. Picture upon picture upon picture.

Bile rose in my throat at the thought of going to see him, knowing that Jay had partied this hard after hanging out with me and my mother. After he’d injected the idea of him and I together in my head. I couldn’t forget how he’d gripped my hips, run his thumbs along my skin and kissed me like he was desperate with hunger for me.

I guess he’d caught amnesia though. Or he just didn’t care; charming women was what he did.

Our agency wanted me to go retrieve him, to get him in order. But my life was spiraling out into a disorganized mess too. I still hadn’t told Dougie, who was asleep in the next room, what had happened.

How could I? Our relationship had been rough the past few months as it was. My boyfriend through college, through my coming of age, through everything, was on the brink of being my ex.

And that wasn’t an option.

I needed him and he needed me. We’d grown together, found jobs together, lived together. We could beat our little bump in the road together too.

The bump that likely could turn into a mountain if I didn’t come clean about it immediately.

I didn’t dwell because I couldn’t. I needed to wake Dougie up, tell him what had happened, and then go retrieve Jay.

I grabbed my book bag from the table and made a list. If anyone could do this, it was me. I just needed to execute each thing one by one. First on that list was “tell Dougie.”

I looked at him lying on the bed, his light brown hair mussed and his mouth slightly open. He inhaled, and the pale blue sheets over him rose and fell with the motion. We’d picked out those sheets together, the first Egyptian Cotton set we could afford.

Jay had landed a rom-com deal because I had pitched him the idea. He asked me if I thought it was a good move. I remember just how he looked at me, like he really wanted my honesty and I gave it to him. I told him the movie was shit but the payday would be lucrative. He nodded and said that we could both use a payday.

He hadn’t needed one, but I had.

Those sheets marked my first taste of luxury with Dougie but also the point of trust Jay and I had with one another. Since that day, I was honest, and he was Jay, this larger than life fun-loving persona that everyone admired and enjoyed.

Yet, no one saw the toll it took on him to drive that happiness every day.

“Dougie.” I shook his shoulder to wake him.

He grumbled and then cracked an eye open at me. “What time is it?”

“Too early.” I sat down at the edge of the bed. “We need to talk.”

He squinted at me, rubbed his eyes. “What’s going on?”

“It’s my day off, but I have to go handle some things for a client.”

“Do I want to know?” He sat up and stretched one arm over his head while he yawned.

“I don’t have to remind you that we all signed NDAs.” I stopped and took a calming breath when he rolled his eyes. “I’m just reminding you. Jay’s in some trouble. I have to pick him up from a hotel and deliver some news.”

“You don’t have to remind me about the NDA every time. We’ve been together since you took on this godforsaken job.”

“Why do you say it like that?” I saw the swell of anger and resentment gaining momentum, but I didn’t know how to stop it or know if I really wanted to.

“Because that job causes all our problems.”

“That job pays all of our bills.” I threw back at him.

“So, you’re mad all over again about me not working. I thought you said you wanted me to find my passion like you found yours.”

I combed my hand through my hair. “I do want that. You know I want that.”

“Well, then, you should let me find it.”

Fighting him and pushing him wasn’t the answer. I held back the need to drive him, to nudge him in the right direction. It wasn’t my place, I was supposed to be his partner, not his accountability coach.

I sighed. “We need to discuss something before I leave.” I pushed the words out just as I knew I would have to push my confession out.

He cracked his neck. “It’s the ass crack of dawn, Mikka. Jesus.”

“Still, I have to be honest with you.” I wrung my hands together and swallowed down the new fear that was bubbling up. The words stuck to my mouth, not at all near ready to come out.

I folded my hands in my lap to stop fidgeting and told myself that doing what was right sometimes meant doing what felt like was wrong for you. Living a lie could have appeared beneficial, but the truth always came out. No one deserved to be in the dark.

I took a deep breath.

One in and out.

One in and out.

“Jay and I kissed two weeks ago.”

It seemed both of us held our breath as his hazel eyes widened. The blotches of red filled his skin as his face crumbled like my words were finally registering. “What?” he whispered. Then, he yelled, “What?”

He jumped off the bed and paced up and down the room.

“Dougie, like I said, things got out of hand. Jay got carried away with partying and… It isn’t his fault. I got carried away. I drank too much and let it happen.”

He slammed his hand into the wall hard. Harder than he should have. When he turned back to me, his eyes looked wild. “You let it happen?”

I lowered my head into my hands, and my hair fell around my face. “It’s not an excuse. I’m so sorry.” I shook my head and pushed the palms of my hands into my eyes. “I’m so…”

Before I fully registered his hand in my hair, I’d been yanked up from the bed by it. “You cheated on me with him? After all the denials and the bullshit you spewed about him being a friend?”

As he said the words, his hand squeezed tighter and the base of my neck and scalp throbbed with the pain. The shock started to wear off and fear started to ebb its way in.

Dougie had only ever gotten physical with me a few times before. There were other factors to blame then too. He’d drank too much one night, we’d been provoking each other another night. It’d been so long ago though.

I trusted him again. I trusted that he was the guy that could make me feel safe even if he was a whole head taller than me. I was always the small girl who put on shoes to gain height and when I curled up next to Dougie, his size dwarfed me even more.

His size had always made me feel safe.

Safe until the moment I knew I wasn’t.

I’d reasoned that he’d never hurt me again. He’d apologized for days, begged for forgiveness, got me present after present. This was the man that when I’d first started dating him, he’d seen me jump at violence in a movie and he’d changed the channel. He had even shielded my eyes if I cut my hand while chopping vegetables one night.

“Dougie, you’re hurting me.” I whispered the words like a plea, like a reminder, like I knew this wasn’t him.

“I’m hurting you?” he asked, his voice full of condescension. He jerked his hand away and my head fell forward at the abrupt release. “Do you know how bad it hurts to know you did this to me?”

“Dougie, I…”

The first punch to my ribs knocked the air clean out of my lungs. I remembered flailing backward but he followed with a motive to inflict more pain. The next punch was measured and accurately placed in the same exact location. I wheezed out another plea.

He backed away from me, eyes still full of chaos and violence, rabid with the pain I’d caused. “Now you know how much it hurts.”

I scrambled farther back on the bed but winced the whole way. The pain shot through my side as I moved. “I’m sorry,” I whispered because I couldn’t manage to say more, couldn’t muster up the courage to say anything else. “I’m sorry, Dougie.”

“Stop saying that,” he bellowed, spit flying from his mouth.

I recoiled like a beaten animal at the volume. The jumpiness was an instinct I’d thought had been long forgotten. It’d been almost a year since he’d acted out, a year of us rebuilding from the last incident. But muscle memory always took over when adrenaline and fear kicked in. My body instantly didn’t trust him, instantly categorized him as a threat. The trust we’d once had with one another was snapped that quickly. Shattered to pieces all over the beautiful tiling of the floor we’d picked out together.

I opened my mouth but found myself silent, keeping stock still. Even as my side throbbed and I wondered how quickly I could escape if I had to, I was frozen. Normally, I acted. I figured out my odds, I worked hard to get out ahead, and I drove forward. Here, in my own bedroom, arm around my ribs, I suddenly felt small, helpless.

Destroyed.

“What do you want me to do?” The words trembled out of me, and I hated that I was folding under his attack, giving him what he wanted.

He cracked his knuckles and closed his eyes like the mere sight of me was pissing him off. “Damn it, Mikka. I shouldn’t have done that.” His voice rumbled out full of gravel and pain. “You’re just everything, you know? We’re in this together. Me and you.”

He came to me and I let him. His face crumpled like the idea of what he’d done was breaking him and maybe it was breaking me too. His words meant something to me; we’d been in it together for so long. I’d invested my past, my present, and my future in him.

He sat down on the bed and scooted over to me. “Mikka,” he whispered and his finger lifted my chin toward him so gently, I felt the man I first fell in love with beside me. “I’m sorry. I can’t lose you and I thought I might. It makes me crazy that he did that. And you know I’ve never, ever hurt you or anyone before. Shit, baby. I love you, okay?”

The words broke down the wall of shock, broke down the fear, and flooded me with emotion. My eyes started to fill with tears and he instantly was there at the corners of them, kissing away the wetness. “Forgive me. God, forgive me. Say that we’ll be okay.”

I nodded and let him rub my back as he tried to soothe away the events of the morning. “We’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” I almost chanted the words, like something I needed to remember, like something I needed burned into my mind because I wanted so badly to believe them.

Yet, how could we be fine after this? How could we move forward?

I rubbed my side one last time. “Do I need to quit my job? Maybe I can call to have someone else pick Jay up.”

Suddenly, he had the reins and complete control of our relationship. I wanted his opinion on my life and I didn’t know why. I didn’t see that I’d just handed him the first page to the book of controlling me.

He took it with a smile and a peck on my cheek. “No, honey. No. I overreacted. Let’s just start with making sure you know how to get him to back off if he tries something. I’ll need his number and I want you to call me when you’re with him. Let him know you’re with me. He needs to know who’s in charge.”

I nodded like I could accomplish that list but the bile rising in my throat told me I didn’t want to.

“I should get going. I’ll be home in a couple hours.”

I got up to leave and grabbed my leather bag to hike up onto my shoulder. I gripped the strap tight like it was my only safe lifeline. He followed close behind me. When he grabbed my ass and turned me, my heart jumped to my throat again. “Tell me you love me. That I’m the only one you love.”

His face had a new look, intoxicated with new power. “Dougie…”

“Tell me, Mikka. And then lay one on me.” His grip on my ass tightened to the point of pain.

I leaned in and said the words. Then, I let him kiss me.

On the way out the door, I left my pride and heart behind. As I walked down the hallway, the first tears fell. In the elevator, the sobs wracked my body and I winced at the pain in my side.

On the way to the hotel, I drove in silence, numb to what had just happened.

I gripped my leather bag in the seat beside me. I would check off my list, I would plow ahead, and everything would fall into place.

It would have to, wouldn’t it?