Thrive: Chapter 4

One foot in front of the other.Lesson of the Day:

Mikka

Our company informed me that Jay was staying in the penthouse of the largest hotel in town. I focused on that.

Shock, I learned, does that to a person. When the worst happens, adrenaline shines light on whether you barrel forward or shrink back. Neither reaction is wrong because it is merely the body surviving the trauma.

It wasn’t until I pulled up to the valet that I realized my hands were shaking on the steering wheel. I held up a finger to the valet and took a minute to fix my makeup. Powdering over the tear tracks and swiping on another coat of lip gloss, I stared into my own eyes.

I’d never failed at anything, I tried to remind myself. This was just another bump in the road Dougie and I had to get over. And getting Jay to agree to rehab was just another test even if I wasn’t going to be graded. The score would come from how people looked at me, how quickly Jay agreed to the company’s recommendation, and, most importantly, how well I hid the previous hour of my life.

The adrenaline from my altercation with Dougie pinpointed exactly the type of person I was. I barreled forward, not letting anyone see my weakness.

I got out of my car and threw the keys to the valet. “I shouldn’t be long.”

I didn’t wait for a response as I strode up to the counter. I tapped my finger on it when the bell boy didn’t immediately give me his attention. Celebrities were well-known here, but holding yourself with importance made a lot of difference in this city.

The trick would be getting into his room without the hotel’s aid. Jay topped most celebrity charts with a larger than life persona and a charm that most weren’t immune to. So, even if Jay had paid on the company credit card, the hotel would refuse to let me have a key.

“I’m here to get a key to Jay’s room. My agency’s card was used.” I slid it over. “We need access.”

“I’m happy to call him from the front desk for you, or you can knock on his door. We can’t give you access to the room, Ms…” He waited, one eyebrow cocked and a smarmy smile on his face.

“Ms. Chang. And I’m happy to call my agency to see if we want to demand the right of entry to the room—”

“I’ll call him.” His eyebrow fell down into a frown, like he knew he couldn’t throw around that much weight. The tall, thin man reached over to pick up a black corded phone and dialed. He looked out over the lobby as he waited and I stared straight at him, not bending under the awkwardness of the situation.

He pulled the phone away from his face, “You know, he looked just fine last night.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. No one actually thought that Jay looked just fine because I’d seen the pictures.

But that was this city. They protected their golden boys and girls. Privacy was everything for the famous and when it was a charming celebrity like Jay, everyone looked the other way. Drugs were part of the lifestyle and very much a part that the city was happy to keep buried under its beautiful beach sand.

“Oh, hi, Mr. Stonewood.” The bellboy raised his eyes at me. “I’m calling because there is a Ms. Chang here who would like a room key. I wasn’t sure if…”

He paused and then replied, “It’s eight AM, sir. I told her it was very early. She insisted that I call you.”

Another pause.

“Um, yes, she looks, um, awake.” He nodded, scanning me from head to toe. “And like she’s ready for the day.”

He started making the room key. I let out the breath I was holding. I was Jay’s friend, but I wasn’t sure if he would always allow me to be that close. The top was lonely and even if he didn’t admit it, I saw the distrust he had in his eyes when he looked at most people.

The bellboy handed over the key card. “He said to come up in about twenty minutes.”

Jay would clean up the scene of the crime and make himself presentable in that time.

I snatched the key card and sped over to the elevators, my heels clicking loud against the hotel’s marble floors. I swiped my room key, walked in, and then waited as the cart shot up to the highest level money could buy.

It opened to the mess that money bought too.

Excess amounts of wealth allowed for responsibilities to fly out the window. If you had your own hallway to your own grand room, it was fine to start taking your clothes off in it. A women’s red lace bra was in the middle of the hall. I stepped over it and waved my key in front of the door to his room.

You could pay for someone to clean up the bottles all over the floor and pay them to keep quiet about the lines of cocaine on the tables. A woman ambled in, half naked but not at all surprised at being caught that way by me. “You must be the reason I was told to find my clothes.”

I didn’t respond. It wasn’t my job to make her feel comfortable. “Jaydon and I have some business to work on this morning.”

Her amber eyes scanned me as if I was her opponent. I didn’t wiggle in my blouse and skinny jeans.

“I believe you said Jay told you to find your clothes.” I kept my voice monotone and slid my leather bag from my shoulders to pull out a stack of papers. “Do you need help with that? And also, did you happen to sign an NDA?”

The leggy woman put a hand on her bony hip, still standing there in lingerie. “I told Jay he didn’t need that with me.”

“Nevertheless, I’d appreciate you—”

“He still had security make me sign one. Now I see why, if you always hound him like this.” She sneered as she bent at her waist. “But guess what? I don’t want anything more from him. You know why?”

I packed up my bag, trying not to engage. The zipper that usually slid closed so quickly snagged on a paper. I pulled it back but didn’t get any traction.

“Honey, him in a bed is good enough. Him between my legs…”

Jay ambled out of the bathroom with just sweatpants on, drying his dark mussed hair. Water droplets beaded on his chest.

“Mikka.” His voice cracked like the guilt was breaking it. “I told the bellboy I would be ready in twenty minutes…”

Seeing him and knowing she’d been with him just weeks after he’d had his lips on mine cut as deep as the woman wanted it to. It exposed feelings I wanted to keep covered up and left them raw, broken, and unattended on the hotel floor.

“And I received his message, Jay.” I looked down and shoved the zipper harder as I realized my vision was blurring under tears I definitely couldn’t shed.

I wasn’t Jaydon’s type, or anyone’s type in LA really. I was naturally thin but my muscles weren’t tanned and toned like the woman who stood there in all her half-dressed glory.

LA accepted me anyway. Not based on appearance but based on performance.

My clients trusted me to go above and beyond for them. I did. Every single time.

Specifically for Jay.

Specifically for America’s royalty.

The zipper finally gave way, as did my drive to overcome my sudden lapse in judgement for feeling something for my friend. I stepped over a pillow and my ridiculous feelings to attend to what was important.

“So, for a hotel party, this is pretty mild. We should start cleaning though.” I glanced around and my stare fell on the woman. “Do you need me to call you a car?”

She reared back, her mouth opening and closing when Jay didn’t jump to her defense. She threw up her hands and skittered around grabbing her clothes. “I guess I’ll go then.”

I folded my hands together and waited. I let the awkward silence stretch as the woman turned to him. Jay nodded and some of his manners kicked in. He led her to the door, whispered something charming no doubt as she giggled and then closed the door behind her. Before he turned to me, he leaned his head on the wall. His shoulders moved with the deep breaths he took.

“I’m not here to patronize you, Jay.” Even if I wanted to throw accusations, I couldn’t. I had Dougie and the painful physical reminder of him every time I took a breath.

Jay turned and the muscles in his neck coiled, his abs flexed. I saw pain before I saw the shame. “You should be. Look at my room.”

We both eyed it, me, probably more trepid than him.

“It’s not the best I’ve seen and definitely not the worst.” I measured my words because we were on uneven ground. My words weeks before were directed at him maliciously and I should have chosen them more carefully especially because he was my friend, a friend I didn’t want to lose over a kiss that meant nothing.

I zeroed in on the drugs at the table. They were illegal, glaringly accessible, and served as a reminder that he had a problem, one we had to fix. “Do you want me to clean it up?”

He cracked his knuckles and I swear his eye started twitching. “No, I… can you just give me twenty minutes?”

The shame. It was always a big motivator. I remember the first time my mother used it as a weapon against me. I’d fought her so hard on cleaning my bedroom one day. She finally surrendered. Little did I know she went and invited as many parents of my friends over as she could. When they arrived with their children, my mom directed them to my room.

Never again did I have it a mess.

“Twenty minutes for what, Jay?” I went to grab a white towel from the bathroom and ran water over it. Then I re-entered and started wiping up the powder.

He stepped in front of me to block my view. “I’ll clean up the room. I don’t remember…”

“It’s fine.” I sighed and stepped around him. “Not anything I haven’t seen before, definitely something I’ll see again.”

The truth was I loathed this part of the job. I wanted to help make movies come alive, be there to adjust the lighting, direct a facial expression, make a viewer get lost in something that had the potential to change their life. Instead, I cleaned up mess after mess in the hopes I would get closer by working with actors.

“Meek, I don’t remember half the night in this hotel room.”

I snuck a look at him. Even standing there with his shoulders slumped, the body of that man after a drunken night’s sleep was still perfection. He scratched the scruff of his five o’clock shadow, and my body reacted like any woman’s would. He was what made movies blockbusters—his muscles, his strong jaw, his full lips.

It was a glaring reminder, like a bucket of ice water being thrown on me, that we could never, ever work. A pin up model belonged next to him and even if I was competitive in nature, I was also logical. We weren’t compatible.

I grabbed a few pieces of clothing that looked like his and threw them to him. “Do you remember who you were with last night? Any damage control I have to do?” I wondered if he remembered what I saw in the pictures, if he knew he’d been caught doing lines in the bathroom, with his hand up the woman’s skirt. I tried not to shudder at the thought.

“I think the biggest damage control is that you saw me with her, Meek. I know you got Dougie but we need to talk.”

My heart hammered. I glanced around the room, not wanting to meet his eyes, not wanting to admit to myself that I wanted to hear what he had to say. Dougie and I would work through things and I didn’t need Jay swooping in as a distraction.

“Little Pebble, she wasn’t you, she wasn’t like kissing you…”

I bit my lip.

Damn.

My body wanted to go to him. I wanted to scream at him that he was right, that she wasn’t me. And how could he risk it all on another night like this with another woman?

A woman that wasn’t me.

I reminded myself it should have never been me though. He was planting this little seed in my heart where he had no business doing so. I didn’t want my love for him to flourish beyond a friendship or beyond the mistake we’d already made.

I cleared my throat, ready to dig up the seed and toss it far away where it belonged. I picked up a knocked-over chair to push it back under the table. “Jay, that was weeks ago. It’s not something we ever need to bring up again. No need to try to soothe my ego.” I reminded myself that’s what he was doing anyway. “You get a pass from me, I’m your friend, not a woman you’ve slept with who’s trying to stick around. Honestly, just pass go, collect $200 and forget all about it.”

“A pass?” He cocked his head. Then he strode over to me. His chest brushed up against my arm and I gripped the top of the chair, trying to stave off any reaction to his proximity. He ran his finger and thumb over a strand of my hair as if feeling the weight of it. “Little Pebble, you know I’m not going to forget that kiss for the next decade. We don’t have to talk about it. We don’t have to bring it up. But you need to know: I won’t forget it. I’m sorry it happened that way. I’ve had a few bad nights in the past month and that was one of them. I shouldn’t have put you in that position. So, if it’s a pass you’re handing out, I guess I’ll take what I can get.”

I held my breath. The pain in my side stopped. It felt like the beating of my heart stopped too. I wanted to believe the words so badly, my body leaned toward him as he said them. It was a toxic, damning situation to be in, though. Jay couldn’t commit; he was the farthest thing from commitment I’d ever encountered. “I think it’s good to just move on. It was a bump in the road with lots of alcohol involved.”

He narrowed his eyes like he was about to disagree but then he said, “Does Dougie know?”

“Does he know what?” I jolted away from him at the mention of my boyfriend’s name.

His brow furrowed. “Did you tell him about us?”

“Of course. It’s fine.” The words tumbled out of me and I tried to wave off the growing ball of anxiety in my stomach. “My clients get out of hand all the time.”

“Wait.” His shoulders bunched. “Who?”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

He had the audacity to tsk at me like he had the right to put himself in a different bucket than all the others. “Has Johnny tried something with you? Did someone step over the line?”

I wanted to scream at him. “Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? Can you please just get ready so that we can go?”

He held his ground, tried to wither down my resolve with his stare, but I didn’t fold under it anymore. Jaydon Stonewood came from an astute, ruthless family of businessmen. I knew his father had run most of Chicago with investments and then his brother took over. They played their cards right, they handled large deals, and they always, always seemed to win the war of who was a bigger man.

Yet, Jaydon didn’t know a man’s competition had nothing on the strength of a woman. I’d have stood my ground for days to prove my point. Add on to that, my mother and I had many a standoff. His retreat was inevitable.

He backed away without a word. We straightened the hotel room. I found more than one line on the kitchen counter, two more in the bathroom and remnants on the bedroom nightstand. As I cleaned the last one up, he mumbled, “It got out of hand last night. I’m… it’s not usually this bad.”

I nodded. “Okay, Jay.” I didn’t need to fight him. Kicking a wounded animal when they were down was never productive.

He pulled at the collar of the shirt he’d put on. “Look, I really am sorry. I need you to know that.”

His words bottomed out my stomach. “For what?” Did he know my relationship with Dougie had just changed because of him and his actions, that the drugs put him front and center in my life while his front and center was anything but me?

“I’m sorry for this.” He spread his arms wide and his voice broke. “For the kiss, for everything.”

I closed my eyes to shield myself from the hurt of knowing he regretted our kiss. He should. I should have too. “Nothing should be happening this way; I’m putting you in a tough position.”

“Don’t be sorry. Be strong.” I stared him down, not bending to his apology. “Make me believe you.”

He tilted his head. “Okay, and how do you want me to do that?”

“Go to rehab with the intention of never ever ending up there again.”

Jay ran a hand through his hair and then pulled it up in what looked like frustration. “Meek, what?” He whispered. Then he rasped out, “What do you mean? I don’t have a problem.”

“I think you do. The agency thinks you do too.”

“How can you say that?” The way he asked me had me wanting to snatch back my words. “You never see me using. The last couple of times… I mean… I said last night was…”

“You’re dancing around the truth,” I said, crossing my arms and trying to hold firm. “Every single time you missed a meeting with me last month, you were using. Our company sends me updates on you, I read the headlines, and I’ve caught you more than once taking a bump.”

He raised his eyebrows. “How do you know what a bump is?”

“Does it matter?” I shrugged. I’d never ever used anything other than alcohol for fun in my life but he didn’t need to know that.

“Yes, it matters. Someone offer you something?”

“Would it be terrible if they did? I’m surrounded by you and your friends all the time. You think they don’t offer me anything?” I practically shouted.

“Woman, I want names because I’ve told them never to approach you with that. It’s dangerous for you to—”

“Do not.” I stalked toward him and poked him in the shoulder. “Do not give me a lecture on drugs when you’re using them. You need help. I talked to Bob this morning and they want you in rehab, Jay.”

He glared at me like I was betraying him. His step backward felt like a mile he was putting between us.

“I’m giving you honesty. Don’t look at me like that.” I crossed my arms, knowing I was staring him down like my mother would me.

He growled and pulled at his shirt as if everything was suffocating him, annoying him, frustrating him. “I’m just mad, Meek.”

“Me too. I’m mad at you though.” My voice came out pleading and I dug my nails into my arms, trying to stand my ground and not go to him. I wanted to soothe away his hurt but I knew I’d enabled him for too long. “You put us in this damn situation and you know it. You can’t stop. So, I don’t know if that’s negligence or something worse. Do you?”

“Are you asking me if I have a problem?” The question whooshed out of him, like I was letting all the wind out of his sails.

“I’m asking you to take a look at yourself and assess that question, Jay.”

He stared at me like he was begging for me to throw him a lifeline, a get out of jail free card, anything. I couldn’t, though.

Not this time.

“I’ll go to the rehab center if that’s what you want,” he said, hanging his head.

“I don’t want you to do anything for me.”

His eyebrows slammed down as he whipped his face back up. Then he paced forward.

I stood my ground, not backing up even one step. “This has to be for you and your future. This isn’t my idea. It’s our agency’s idea along with the movie director.”

I stared into his electric blue pools and let my words sink in. His jaw was ticking and the lines on his face had deepened.

I waited a second longer to emphasize the gravity of the situation and then said the words I knew would pull him down into darker, more ominous depths. “He’ll recast you, Jay.”

Those beautiful blue eyes widened. Then, he stumbled back and hunched over like I’d socked him in the stomach. This role meant everything to him. He’d wanted it for so long, to be taken seriously as an actor, as more of a rom-com star.

“And our agency will drop you. I was informed this morning.”

“What do you mean? We’ve shot everything except the scenes in my hometown.” Jay shook his head and combed his fingers through his dark, thick hair.

“I said the same thing.” I shrugged, trying to stay professional and calm. “The director doesn’t care. He said this movie is too important to be overshadowed by an actor who’s too wild to keep some powder off his nose.”

Jay’s face dropped.

“Those were his words, not mine,” I clarified, not giving him the information about me possibly being stripped of clients too. He needed to do this for himself, not anyone else. “So, this is for you. And for your future. Not mine. I’m fine either way.”

I was lying through my teeth. My life was unraveling and I was fumbling to grasp the threads to stop it. Dougie and I would never be the same. And I couldn’t lose everything I’d built my life on. Without Jay, without my clients, without what I’d worked so hard for, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to weave together a life I wanted.

His jaw worked and I could swear he ground away most of the enamel in those seconds. “I’ll try it in LA. I don’t want my family or anyone else but the agency aware. I want the movie and so I’ll do the time they think I need.”

“Perfect. Let’s get you there.” I clapped my hands.

He stepped in front of me. “Wait. I’m not going now. I need to go home and get packed.”

“They’ll have what you need delivered.” I reached for my leather book bag but he scooped it up before I got to it. “I can carry that.”

“Mmhmm.” He hummed as he took one last look at the room with me.

I scanned the white counters, the lush furniture, and the beautiful view. “Nice place to stay.”

“It’s nice until you lose yourself in it,” He said as his electric blue eyes turned toward the door like he wanted nothing to do with the luxurious life he lived.

I wrapped my arm around his waist and we walked out together. I hoped we were leaving the worst of us behind.

The drive to the facility dragged on for ages. The stretches of silence between us weren’t normal. I knew I should have eased his mind by making small talk as I drove but my heart was focusing on so many things.

I could lose my relationship with Dougie if I didn’t figure out how to work through our last encounter. I could lose my best friend to rehab. And I could even lose the job I loved.

I whispered my fear because I had to tell him, had to let him know someone needed him to come back. “I’ll miss you while you’re there.”

He chuckled. “I’m sure they’ll let me call you, babe. It’s LA.”

“Jay.” I sighed and turned down another street lined with palm trees. The road turned to bricks and the landscaping on the block became extravagant. “This isn’t going to be a walk in the park. You drink every night. I don’t know how much you’re using, but they aren’t going to let you make calls if they think you’re dependent on a substance. They don’t want you to be at risk of relapsing…”

“Meek, it’s fun. F-U-N. Not drugs, not dependency, not an addiction. I promise.” His blue eyes shined with promise but his leg jittered with fear.

I shot my hand out to steady his thigh. “I’ll be here when you’re ready to come home, okay?” As I pulled up to the center, my jaw dropped when the entrance came into view. The brick paved driveway circled a stone fountain. Perennials bloomed in sections around it and the pillars of the entryway were made of the same stone. As I put the car into park, our view was the same as the rehab’s: The Pacific Ocean lapping at the coastline.

“Doesn’t seem too bad. You and Dougie want to come stay too?” Jay joked. His nature was to lighten the mood, to mask the gravity of the situation. Yet, him bringing up Dougie now didn’t lighten anything. I wanted to tell him, to share my burdens with my closest friend.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed instead. Today, I would be selfless. And every other day after that. Because Jay needed a friend in that moment. He needed someone to be there only for him. I wasn’t sure he understood his addiction, if he was in denial or trying to cover up how bad it was. Either way, I’d seen the wear on his body, on his soul, and he had to be scared it was about to take a toll on his career too.

He needed me to be there for him, not myself.

An older man with a full head of greying hair and a genuine smile stepped out of the front doors. His maroon shirt was tucked into his khakis, and his expensive loafers said he probably made a decent living. He waved at us, and Jay’s jaw ticked. “I guess I’ll call you when I get a chance.”

I nodded. “I would walk you in, but I don’t think I’m supposed to.”

He chuckled and patted my leg. “No worries, Meek. I’m thinking I’ll be out of here pretty quick. The agency will be happy, the movie will move forward. No biggie.” He shrugged but his shoulders were tight.

“You’re sure you don’t want me to call anyone?”

“I will if I need to,” he mumbled and got out of the car. He rounded the car and tapped on my window. I rolled it down.

His aqua blue eyes stared at me and I saw the turmoil in them. “Meek, if they say I’m at my worst, prepare for me at my best.” He winked at me. “I promise I’m going to get there.”

Before I could say more, he walked away.

Jay at his worst was still the best man I’d ever met.