: Chapter 35

I ALMOST JUMP OUT OF my skin when I open the bathroom door and Aurora is standing in the bedroom.

When she hears the door open, she turns to face me, and that’s when I spot my cell phone in her hand. My stomach sinks, because the look on her face tells me everything I need to know about who’s on the phone.

I should take the phone out of her hand, end the call, something. But instead, I stand frozen in the doorway staring at her. “I’ll tell him,” she says quietly to the person on the other end of the phone. “Bye.”

I need to say something, but every terrible possibility runs through my head at once.

“I shouldn’t have answered your cell phone,” she says. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think. It was your brother. He said he’s been trying to reach you because your dad has entered an addiction program. They want you to come home to make amends.”

It’s like being bulldozed with several emotions at once: surprise, hurt, optimism, anger. I knew I’d have to tell her eventually, but I wasn’t ready to share now.

She’s staring at me with pity, like I fucking knew she would, and the frustration builds. “You shouldn’t have answered my cell phone.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t think! It was ringing over and over and the number wasn’t saved in your phone… You know what the service is like, maybe if I hadn’t answered it would have disappeared again. I don’t know, Russ. I thought something might be wrong, but I shouldn’t have answered it. I’m really sorry.”

Dragging a hand down my face, I blow out a sigh. I want to scream. “The bathroom is right here. You could have gotten me, you could have yelled for me, you could have done anything.”

“I’m sorry, Russ,” she says, her voice strained. “I thought it was urgent. I didn’t think.”

“I’ve told you before, he does it to make me pick up. You know he rings over and over until I get pissed off enough to answer.”

“I forgot. The number wasn’t saved, and I didn’t think. It was a mistake and I’m sorry.”

It’s too much to process all at once. I can’t think straight when I’m around her. “You should go.”

“I said I’m sorry,” she stresses, walking toward me. “I’m really, really sorry. I know this must be a lot for you. Why didn’t you tell me your dad has problems with addiction? I thought we’d shared all our secrets…”

“Because I didn’t want you to look at me like you are right now, Aurora,” I say flatly. The embarrassment fucking stings. “Because I wasn’t ready to tell you, and now I don’t have any choice in the matter.”

The words are so sharp and I hardly recognize myself as I hear them back. I hear him in the way I’m talking to her; my worst nightmare playing out before my eyes. He found a way to ruin her and he doesn’t even know she exists. I throw myself down on Xander’s bed, far enough away from her that I feel like I can still think, even though my head is swimming and none of my thoughts make sense.

“You get to be mad at me, but you don’t get to shut me out,” she says. Her voice wobbles with every word, and when I look up at her, she looks devastated. I caused this. I’m the one that’s fucking this up. “I’ll wait while you call your brother back. Hear it from him. I can hold your hand and I won’t listen if you don’t want me to, but I’ll be here for you.”

The last thing I want to do right now is call Ethan. Part of me questions if it’s even true, or if it’s just another one of his ploys to trick me into going home and he’s not there. Another day where I get left on my own to pick up the pieces of our family and break off a few of my own in the process.

“I don’t want you to.” I thought I’d be happier about hearing my dad has taken steps to get real help, but now all I can think about is this. What does she think of me?

“Russ, please don’t shut me out. I’ve told you everything about my family and you know I get it.”

“You don’t get it,” I snap. “It isn’t the same thing.”

My head drops into my hands; my stomach churns as my thoughts spiral.

This isn’t how this summer was supposed to end.

It’s incredible how shame fills the cracks other people create. For every fracture my dad’s actions have caused, humiliation has glued everything back together.

Ethan’s call took a sledgehammer to it all.

“I think you’re madder at me than I deserve,” she says, crouching down in front of me. “Yell at me, Russ. Let’s fight about how angry you are at me and I can yell back that you kept this huge thing from me for months and we can scream at each other until you realize I’m not scared to carry your baggage. And we’ll make up. And I can support you the way you support me.”

I don’t want to yell at her. I don’t want this to be something she has to carry, especially knowing she has to face her own family today. “Just go,” I say. “You don’t want to miss your flight.”

“I won’t be able to stop overthinking until I know we’re okay.” Her hands shake as she rests them against my knees. “Please don’t burn me,” she says, voice barely above a whisper.

I feel like I’m burning everyone at this point. “Just go, Aurora. Please.”

She kisses my forehead as she stands, and I feel her tears drop onto my skin. I want to reach out and hold her to me, but I don’t deserve that. She takes a sharp breath, but I can’t look at her. “For the record, I really hope your dad gets better and you can heal from this. I’m sorry I found out before you were ready to tell me.”

It feels like she’s taking half of me with her as I finally lift my head to watch as she walks out, and I finally get the answer to the question that’s been plaguing me all summer.

It’s harder to watch her walk away than it is to wake up and find she’s not there.

I KNOW I’VE FUCKED UP before I even head out of my cabin with my bags, and I fucking hate myself.

I couldn’t get good enough service to call Ethan back in my room, so I’ve decided to do it from the road. I’ll call JJ, too, let him know I’m not coming anymore. As much as I don’t want to, I know I need to head home and face whatever is waiting for me. I miss Aurora, and that makes no sense, because I’m the reason she isn’t here and I fucking hate myself for that as well. I’ll call her from the road, beg for forgiveness, pray I haven’t hurt her too badly.

I’ve sent her to see her dad believing I’m mad at her and that she’s done something wrong, when it’s my fault because I don’t know how to process things without clamming up like an asshole. I can’t even enjoy the walk through camp back to my truck, despite being the happiest I’ve been in my life during the last ten weeks.

I just keep thinking the same thing: of course she answered the phone. She’s my girlfriend and it wouldn’t be a problem for a normal fucking person. But I’m not normal. I’ve let the shame and embarrassment eat at me for years, scared that if I let someone in it’d ruin things. I didn’t let her in, not fully, and I’ve managed to ruin us anyway.

I keep my head down as I pass the people I’ve worked alongside, hoping they don’t notice me or want to say good-bye. Thankfully nobody stops me, my keys are in my hand, and I’m ready to get out of here as quickly as I can.

I’m watching my feet scrape against the dusty parking lot when I hear her clear her throat, forcing me to look up. Her bags are littering the ground around her and she’s biting her fingernails, anxiously tapping her foot.

“I’ve never begged a man before,” she says, and as confident as she sounds, she doesn’t look it. I know how big this is for her. I know what kind of courage this took. “But you’re the first of many things for me.”

“Rory…”

“I don’t want you to be my first heartbreak.” Another piece of me breaks off. “Either we get into the truck together and for the next four hours we talk, or we can sit in silence, and when we get to Maple Hills we go our separate ways. You can tell me as little or as much about your dad as you want. You’re in control of what you’re ready to share with me.” She picks up her bags. “But you can tell me everything about how you’re feeling. You wanna be together? This is how we’re doing it. We’re not miscommunicators, Russ. We share our secrets.”

“I’m so sorry, Ror.” She drops her bags as I speed toward her, crushing her in a hug. I instantly feel better having her in my arms again. “I was going to call you and grovel as soon as I was on the road. I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes,” she says harshly. “You do. I don’t need you to grovel. You don’t need to punish yourself for being overwhelmed. I just need you not to push me away.”

Word by word, I feel her gluing me back together. “What about the wedding?”

“You’re my first choice, Russ,” she whispers, burying her head into my neck. “Where you go, I go. You don’t have to face this alone.”

“But your dad—”

“—will survive. I think we both know by now he doesn’t really care anyway. I can try to twist it in lots of different ways that make me feel in control, but let’s be honest. I probably wouldn’t be invited if there wasn’t press there.” She shrugs. “If he wanted me to listen to his demands, maybe he should have held me accountable all the times I broke the rules.”

“I’m sorry for how I acted earlier. I’m so fucking lucky to have you.” Her mouth crashes into mine, frantic and desperate, and I can’t help but match everything she’s giving to me. I’m still scared about what we’re heading back to, but I know she’s by my side.

It doesn’t take long for me to load our things into my truck and get on the road. I know that anytime now I need to start talking. Going our separate ways isn’t an option for me, and if she leaves, the only person I’d have to blame for that is myself. I’ll have been the one who pushed her away when she was trying to pull me close.

She sits quietly beside me while I call JJ to tell him I’m not visiting him. He’s understandably bummed, but as soon as I drop “family drama,” he tells me not to worry and he’ll see me next time he’s in LA.

“He’s a bit like a brother, isn’t he,” Rory says quietly when the call ends.

“Yeah, he’s kind of like the older brother I wanted but didn’t have.”

She nods. “Like Jenna for me.”

There are so many things in our lives that mirror one another, and I need to trust that if anyone is going to understand and help me, it’s going to be her. She’s turned my world upside down, and there’s no reason she won’t now.

“My dad has an addiction to gambling,” I say, not taking my eyes off the road. “Horses mainly, because it’s easy to do, but he loves casinos and poker. He left me sitting outside a casino in the car once for hours when I was younger. That’s when Mom realized he had a problem. He drinks, too, but it’s always because of the betting. Celebrate or commiserate kind of thing, y’know?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m embarrassed, and that’s why I didn’t want to tell you. What type of parent would pick a slip of paper over their kid? What does that say about me if I’m not even worth more than some shitty odds and a horse?” I can’t help but laugh. “I told you the horrible things he’s said to me. Those were times he was drunk or I wouldn’t send him money. When you hear something enough times, you begin to believe it, Rory. I didn’t want you to think the things about me that he does.”

“I could never,” she says instantly, rubbing the back of my neck with her palm. “Because they’re not true.”

“All I’ve wanted is for him to get better. When he turned up here that day we got caught and I told you he’d had a fight with my mom, he actually told me my mom had thrown him out. He said he was going to get better, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up that he would. When you told me what Ethan said, you’re right, I felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because you finally knew. Because it’s what I’ve wanted for years. Because it doesn’t feel real. It’s like when you wish for something so much, but when you get it, it seems too good to be true. He’s let me down so frequently that I’m scared to trust that this is the time where things change.”

“You told me expecting change is like repeatedly putting your hand in a fire and expecting it not to burn you,” Aurora says. “I want to hold your hand so you don’t have to put it in the fire, Russ. Recovery isn’t easy for anyone, not just the addict; for you, too. It sounds like your dad has taken the step to try to get better, but nobody is going to force you to forgive him. I will physically fight your brother for you if he tries.”

“What if he burns you, too? My family is a mess.”

She laughs, and I swear her smile could fix anything. “Fire can’t burn fire. I will raze Maple Hills to the ground before he gets a chance to make you feel shitty about yourself again. Also, family mess? Hello? The poster child for daddy issues right here.”

I take her hand and press the back of it to my mouth. “You never have to feel embarrassed with me, Russ. Maybe the universe wasn’t trying to fuck us over. Maybe it knew we needed each other, because I do need you. You’re the best thing to happen to me, and more important, I want to be there for you through this in whatever way you want me to be.”

“I don’t even know what recovery entails. I don’t know what make amends even means. How the fuck is he going to do that? It’s been such a long time.”

“Why don’t we call your brother so you can hear it from him, and anything we don’t understand I can google? I won’t even call him an asshole.”

“Thank you, Aurora.”

She leans over and kisses my cheek. “Thank you for not making me sit here in silence for four hours.”

I WALK INTO MY BEDROOM hand in hand with Rory and instantly get déjà vu.

That Russ, the one who was pretending to be confident, would not have believed that this would be the situation we’re in a couple of months later. Not one to dance around the obvious, Aurora struts straight around me and sits on my desk.

“Wanna role play us doing it?” I roll my eyes as I walk over and step between her legs, gripping her under her thighs and throwing her onto my bed, making her squeak. “Hey, you weren’t this rough with me!”

“Yeah ’cause I was fucking terrified,” I say, throwing myself down beside her. “I don’t get girls like you and I was very worried I’d watch you come and it’d be game over for me. In my pants.”

“Confident you could then,” she says, teasing, rolling to lie on top of me. “How’d you know I wasn’t faking it?”

“I’d have suffocated between your legs before I’d let you fake it.”

The guys are at JJ’s for the housewarming party, and after the day I’ve had, I think taking out my stress in a healthy way is a good idea. I spread her legs over my hips and run my hands along her thighs until I’m under her sundress, then her cell phone starts ringing.

“Are we destined to be interrupted forever?” I groan. “I thought this would end when we left Honey Acres.”

“You know who it’ll be,” she says, climbing off me and reaching for the phone. She holds up her screen to me and the caller ID reads Man Who Pays the Rent.

We haven’t really talked about the fact Aurora is supposed to be in Palm Springs right now. I was too distracted with my own problem, and I guess she didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t have anything to add when she said that he’s never punished her before.

She presses the accept call button and puts it on speaker, but even before she says hello, she does something I haven’t seen her do in weeks: she forces a smile onto her face.

“Hi!” Her voice is unnatural, not the voice of my girl, and I hate it.

“Where the fuck are you, Aurora?”

Six words and my blood is boiling.

“I’m not coming, Dad.” She chews on the inside of her cheek and I pull her along the bed, letting her sit between my open legs with my head resting on her shoulder. “Something came up, I’m sorry.”

“That doesn’t answer my question. I asked where the fuck are you?”

“I’m in Maple Hills.”

“Get your ass in your car right now. I am so serious, Aurora. I’m not playing your games this time, do not ruin this for everyone.”

I hold her a little tighter. “I said I’m not coming.”

“I’m coming to get you.”

“I’m not at home.”

Leaning around her I press the mute button so her dad can’t hear us as he launches into a rant about how selfish and immature she is. “I’m so fucking proud of you. You’re so strong, Rory. Don’t let him bully you into doing something you don’t want to do. You’re worth more than some photographs in a magazine. If you have to force a smile you deserve better.”

She takes us off mute as he finishes yelling. “I don’t care that you’re upset with me, Dad. I don’t like who I am when I let you dictate how I act.” I hold her a little tighter. “I’ve spent a really long time being reckless to get your attention, because at least then you’d remember I existed. You make me feel like I’m not worth sticking around for. I’m not letting you burn me anymore because I have people in my life who do like me for me.”

“If you arrive in the next two hours, we’ll pretend this conversation never happened,” he says, not an ounce of emotion in his tone.

“I hope your marriage is happy, but I won’t be there. I’m not faking smiles for you. Good-bye, Dad.”

She disconnects the call and I expect her to burst into tears, but she doesn’t; she sinks into me and pulls my arms tighter around her. “I’m going to crush you if I hug you any harder.”

“I don’t mind.”

“How do you feel?”

“Supported,” she says.

“That isn’t what I mean, sweetheart.” I kiss her neck and she’s quiet for a moment, something I’m still not used to.

“I feel lighter, like I made the right decision for once, and I know it’ll help me move on now that I’ve told him. Maybe if it makes him change we can work on our relationship. Maybe it’ll be the thing that wakes him up.”

“I hope it does.”

We sit in silence for five minutes and she doesn’t let me loosen my grip until her phone starts ringing again. I feel her freeze in my arms, only relaxing when she lifts the screen and sees it isn’t her dad. She presses accept and the screen fills with a woman with dark brown hair sporting a huge grin. There’s no resemblance between her and the woman in my arms until she raises her sunglasses, placing them on the top of her head, and I spot the exact same eyes I’m used to.

“Oh, so the boyfriend thing is true then,” is the first thing Elsa says. Aurora moves the camera down so less of me is in the shot. “Mum said she has a cat and you have a boyfriend. I thought she was mixing prescriptions with wine again.”

I can’t lie, the British accent catches me off guard at first.

“Hello to you, too.” Aurora shuffles in my arms. “What are you doing? Why are you calling? Feel free to answer any other questions I might have missed.”

“You stand up to dear old Dad one time and suddenly you have an attitude,” she tuts. “Hold on, I’m just getting to a dress fitting.”

We hear Elsa talking to someone rapidly in a language I don’t recognize and Aurora sits up a little straighter. “El, who are you talking to in Italian?”

“I’m in Milan at a dress fitting for Fashion Week next month.”

Aurora’s jaw hangs open. “You’re not going to the wedding?”

Elsa’s nose scrunches, and it’s the same expression Aurora pulls when she’s horrified. “To the weather woman? Christ no. I’m not being photographed in something that can be made in three weeks.”

“I thought you might be calling to convince me to go.”

Elsa scoffs, and Aurora lets go of a breath, relaxing a little more in my arms. “I’m calling to congratulate you on finally growing a backbone. I’m proud of you, little sister.”

“Uh, thanks, I think,” she mumbles quietly. “Does he know you’re not going to Palm Springs? He’s going to be really mad at us. I know he’s mad at me.”

“I have no idea, nor do I care. You definitely shouldn’t care. I’ve set up a reroute so when he calls me, he’s forwarded to a therapist’s office in London. I suggest you do the same. Lord knows the man needs it.”

I can’t help but snort, but I try to smother it by hiding my face in Aurora’s hair. “I haven’t forgotten about you, mysterious, faceless boyfriend,” she says, making me freeze. “You’re lucky I have to go get pins stuck in me, but at some point, I will interrogate you.”

“She won’t,” Aurora says. “She’ll forget.”

“Stay mad at the patriarchy, Ror. Ciao.”

Aurora throws her phone onto the bed beside us and turns around, climbing over each leg until she’s straddling me with her head pressed against my chest and her arms wrapped around my waist. I stroke her hair, not saying anything. Another five minutes of silence pass and I can’t remember a time where she’s ever been this quiet.

Eventually, she pushes herself off my torso, sitting up to face me. “So, that was Elsa.”

“That was Elsa,” I repeat. “She’s…”

“She’s very Elsa.”

“How do you feel?” I ask again.

She trails her hand down the side of my face, brushing her fingers across my jaw lightly. “Still supported.”