CHAPTER FIFTEEN

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you guys for being so patient with me! I know it's been a minute since the last update. Here's the next chapter <3 xoxo

The afternoon crawled by after I hung up with Jenny. It was half past five and the boys still hadn't come back from filming.

I rummaged through the cabinets hoping for a snack to hold me over, but all I found was a partially eaten sleeve of Saltines - which were stale - a couple of travel-size Apple Jacks cereal boxes, and a singular bag of barbeque chips.

"They have the palate of ten year olds," I groaned, closing the cabinet.

I hoisted myself onto the kitchen island and texted Nick.

Hey, it's Nat. Coming home soon??

He answered instantly.

Awe, you called it home. Missing us already?

I rolled my eyes and typed back, More like starving.

KK we'll grab something on the way back.

PIZZA?

Nick thumbs-upped the message and didn't reply.

The last bit of sun sunk behind the spruces, leaving the house too dark for comfort.

For someone who enjoyed scary movies, being alone in a cabin in the woods was certainly not my thing. I peeked through the blinds in the kitchen before twisting them shut and turning all the lights on in the house.

The wind had picked up outside and repeatedly blew a long branch against one of the living room windows. Its sharp edge grated against the glass. I shuddered.

"Don't be such a baby," I berated myself. "We'll just find a movie to watch."

I knelt in front of the television and scanned the DVD selection again. While deciding what kind of mood I was in, the little voice in my head kept replaying what Jenny said earlier. Enjoy where you're at right now. I tapped my finger on one of the plastic spines before pulling it out.

I'd seen a stack of sleeping bags in one of the hall closets this afternoon and it gave me an idea.

Dragging one of the kitchen chairs over to the closet, I yanked four sleeping bags off the top shelf and threw them on the living room carpet, grabbing as many pillows as I could off the bunk beds and adding them to the pile.

The kitchen chairs weren't tall enough to hold up sheets on their own, so I improvised: two chairs lined on either side of the couch, the standing lamp behind the sofa, and a thin sheet across the top. Nora kept miscellaneous clips and clothespins in a junk drawer beside the sink, so I used those to clip an additional sheet to the fort, making it teepee in the middle like a castle.

After our beds were made from couch cushions and sleeping bags, there was only one thing missing.

I dug through the ornaments box in the spare bedroom until I found a string of incandescent Christmas lights. Though some of the bulbs were burnt out, most of them glowed colorfully against the pale linen.

Adding the final touches, I turned out the overhead lights, smiling at my masterpiece.

"Damn, I'm good."

A car door slammed out front and I scrambled to the floor, sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce in front of the fort.

"It looks kind of dark -" someone started.

"What the -"

"Ta da!" I exclaimed.

All of their faces were riddled in amusement. Nick threw his head back in laughter while Matt and Chris ogled at the scene.

"What the hell, Nat? How'd you do this?" Nick poked at the sheet hanging over the lamp. It dipped slightly.

I shrugged shyly. "I thought we could have a movie night."

Chris's coastal eyes shone in the low light of the room. A boyish grin spread across his face.

I stood up, facing all three of them. "So...do you like it?"

"Are you kidding?" Chris gaped. "This is sick!" He threw his arms around my waist and lifted me off the ground.

"Chris, put me down!" I yelped, my legs flailing. I could see Matt's gaze trail across my frame, landing on Chris's hands above my waist. I adjusted my sweater once he put me down.

"Really, Nat, this is awesome. Thank you." Matt's reaction was muted in comparison to his brothers', but I expected nothing less. What his mouth didn't say, his eyes did. The reds, greens, and blues of the Christmas lights reflected against his pale irises, making them glitter like shards of stained glass.

I reached for his wrist and gave it a small squeeze. "It's the least I could do."

⎯

Once we'd changed into our PJs, the four of us clamored under the draped sheets with paper plates full of pizza and plastic Solo cups filled to the brim with Root Beer.

"What're we watching?" Matt asked, shoving the end of his pepperoni slice into his mouth.

I crawled out of our fortress and over to the TV stand to grab the remote.

"My favorite."

"Which is?" Nick asked.

He was the first one done with his pizza and stuffed into his sleeping bag like a little caterpillar. I leaned back on the foot of the couch, between Matt and Chris, and clicked play.

"You'll see."

As soon as the old-school Universal intro played and disintegrated into the opening scene of two overzealous middle-schoolers breaking into Whipstaff Manor, Chris nudged my side.

"I knew you'd pick this one," he whispered huskily in my ear.

"Yeah, right." I nudged him back.

On my left, Matt was typing away on his phone. I peeked over.

"Everything all right?"

He locked the screen, and gave me a strained smile. "Yeah. Just answering a text."

I tried to ignore the fact that he had shifted over an inch, opening a sliver of carpet between us, and shoving his phone face down beneath his sleeping bag.

Maybe I really was reading all of this wrong. Was it possible that he had a girlfriend his brothers didn't know about? That made the most sense didn't it? Considering everytime I asked about being on his phone it was like he'd gotten caught watching porn or something. His knee-jerk reaction was to hide his screen and change the subject. That, and get real fidgety, the way he was right now.

"Matt, stop shaking your foot. You're stressing me out," Nick chided from the other side of the fort. He was intently watching the film, his arms propped beneath his head.

Matt did as he asked, but not without rolling his eyes and mumbling something along the lines of "jackass."

On the screen, Casper and Kat were sitting on a lighthouse, overlooking the ocean.

I whimpered.

Both Chris and Matt side-eyed me, but I couldn't pull my eyes away from the screen.

This was my favorite scene. Right now, Kat was confiding in Casper about forgetting pieces of her mother - her smell, the way she put on lipstick. And as Kat drifts off into sleep, Casper leans in and whispers "can I keep you?" His longing so palpable it felt like your own.

I stuck my bottom lip out, sinking into the blankets. "This scene gets me everytime."

Nick sniffled in the corner and we all turned to face him. His head was buried in his hands and, at first, we thought he was being dramatic, but when I reached over Chris for his fingers I realized he was actually in tears.

"Oh, Nick," I moved to my knees, "it ends happily! Have you never seen this movie before?"

He snorted, dragging the back of his hand across his brightening cheeks. "No, I know, it's just getting to me tonight."

I looked at Matt and Chris who were equally as confused, then there was a flash of recognition across their faces.

Matt crawled around me to Nick's other side and wrapped him against his chest, delicately brushing his hand back and forth across his back. Chris scooted in closer until we were in a semi-circle around Nick.

The television was still playing on full volume, feeling too obnoxious for the moment, so I reached for the remote and clicked off the screen.

For a few minutes, the three of us sat around Nick as he weeped, each taking turns soothing his sobs by stroking his hair or wiping away tears. Clearly, I was missing something, but these boys had watched me shed more than a few tears recently, and I wanted to be there for Nick the way he'd been there for me.

I pressed my back up against the couch and laid his head in my lap, brushing short strands away from his forehead so I could see his eyes. They were puffy and bloodshot, and yet, still that same brilliant blue.

When I looked up at the others, it was clear they'd also been crying. Matt's brow was low and his chin was quaking. He had a hand on Chris' knee, rubbing circles on it the way he'd done for me today. I put my hand over Matt's and both he and Chris looked at me through tear-stained lashes.

"I think it's safe to say I'm never allowed to pick the movie again." I made a face at Nick.

He shook his head in response and started to laugh. Pretty soon his laughter became Matt's, then Chris', then mine. The four of us fell into a hysterical fit beneath the now sagging sheets, our faces colored in prismatic light.

"I prefer when it's you crying," Nick said, lifting his head from my lap and dabbing at the last traces of water on his face.

I swatted his shoulder. "Thanks, I'll make sure you're present for any future breakdowns."

"No, no more crying." Chris cut in. He was laughing so hard he hiccupped.

Matt nodded in agreement. "Seriously, there have been enough tears the last forty-eight hours to fill a kiddie pool."

He heaved a long breath and tapped Nick's thigh before standing and running his hands over his face. If it weren't for small rosy blotches along the hollows of his cheeks you would hardly be able to tell he'd been crying.

With the television off and only the sound of our slow breathing filling the living room, the air around us felt more than a bit vulnerable. Suddenly the walls in my chest were as thin and flimsy as the two-hundred thread count sheets hanging around us. I was staring at Matt openly, but I didn't care. There was a twinge in my chest, an overwhelming influx of emotion, that I couldn't pinpoint. It wasn't a heaviness, but more so an ache. Like pressure building in my lungs, expanding and expanding with each second I looked at him, and it was close to capacity.

Nick's head came down on my shoulder. Instinctively, I rested mine on top of his, breathing in the citrus scent of his shampoo. I felt the pressure building some more, my lungs straining to keep the emotion in.

When Chris pulled Matt back down into the pile of blankets and pressed a quick kiss to his hair, then nuzzled into my other side, our four bodies a tangled heap of limbs - my walls shattered.

I didn't cry, this wasn't that kind of emotional wave, it was like I'd held my breath underwater for too long and I'd finally broken through the surface, breathing in air for the very first time. My body desperate and yearning. Every inch of my skin alert and present, like I'd been shocked back to life.

I reached across Chris' lap and intertwined my fingers with Matt's. I needed to hold on to something, to someone.

Chris's voice was thick and dreamy, breaking through the silence. "Would it be lame to say I love you guys?"

Nick and Matt both snorted loudly.

"Oh, God," I grumbled, contorting my face. "You couldn't possibly have said anything lamer."

The twinkle in his eyes told me he knew I was joking, and a part of me hoped he knew I felt the same. About all of them.

I bumped Chris' shoulder with mine and the softest smile spread across his face.

Jenny was right - whatever happened tomorrow didn't matter. I could call off the whole thing right now, never see Mark face to face, never get the answers I'd spent the better half of my life trying to find, and I'd be okay. Because this was enough.

This was where I wanted to be.