CHAPTER SIXTEEN

It was different this time.

Everything felt normal. Perfect. I was tucked beneath the safety of Matt's arm, his breath shallow and steady as he slept beside me. Sunlight trickled through the gaps in the blinds, casting buttery bars across the carpet. I blinked at the ceiling. Where were we?

In the distance a car horn bleated and a dog yapped in response. I shifted against Matt, making him moan quietly. He looked so peaceful. The pensive look on his face that I'd come to know was replaced with a calm stillness, tender and unguarded. I'd never seen him so delicate, so innocent. Gently I brushed a stray strand away from his forehead and his eyelids fluttered faintly.

The room we were in was unfamiliar. Strips of LED lights rimmed the perimeter of the ceiling, the off-white walls were canvassed in large, framed nature prints. A slender mirror hung across from the mattress. I squinted at our shapes - rippled and distorted.

Matt murmured into his pillow before raking the back of his hand over his eyes. I felt the moment his arm retracted from my waist.

"What are you doing here?" he rasped.

When I reached for his face, he recoiled into the mattress, opening up what felt like a canyon between us. I hesitated. "Wh-what's the matter?"

Alarm bells went off in my head. Every curve of his face became jagged and harsh, all of its previous tenderness now taut with tension. He was staring at me in a way that was all too similar to someone I never thought he'd remind me of, and it made a sickening pit open in my stomach. I moved to stand, pulling the navy sheet I'd been wrapped in close to my chest.

"Natalia, I asked what you were doing here?"

I could feel my pulse quicken, that familiar dizzying rush of panic shoot through my body. I opened my mouth to speak, but all that came out was a garbled sound like a choked cry and I reached for the nearest piece of furniture to steady myself.

"I told you what this was. We agreed," he growled.

I didn't know who I was staring at. This wasn't Matt, at least not the sensitive, "wake me up if you need me" Matt I knew. This was someone else entirely. His coastal eyes raged darker than I'd ever seen them.

"I-I don't -" I choked out, grasping at the mahogany dresser beside me. "I don't know what's happening."

Nothing felt stable. Not the dresser, not my breathing, not the floor I was desperately trying to keep from crumbling into. Short, erratic gasps left my lips and I swear to God I saw Matt roll his eyes.

"Matt, I -"

"Save it, Nat. You need to go. I don't want Nick and Chris to see you leaving. It's bad enough they know we're sleeping together, the last thing I want is for them to think there's anything more to this."

His voice was rough and cruel, making hot bile rise in the back of my throat. I stood there shaking violently, unable to catch my breath as the whole world began to crack. How could he say that to me? None of this made sense but my mind couldn't work through the hysteria building in my chest with each gasp for breath.

I squeezed my eyes shut. He doesn't mean it. He doesn't mean it. My lungs felt like they were going to rupture. Stumbling towards the door, I could hear Matt say, "I don't want you," and the last of my strength gave way.

I gasped myself awake.

Everything was dark and still. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the room, but once they did I could see the bends of the sheet hanging above me. I clutched desperately through the black.

"Nat?" his voice was thick with sleep.

Silent, hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I dug my nails into Matt's sleeping bag. Within seconds he was alert and sitting upright, his face inches from mine. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Chris stirred on my other side, his knee coming up and colliding with my leg. I sucked in an uneven breath, twisting my eyes shut until I saw stars. My head was trying to make sense of the fact that what just happened wasn't real, but all I could hear was Matt's voice saying I don't want you.

I shoved my hand over my mouth to stifle a cry. A light pressure came down on the side of my face and I flinched.

"Bab - Nat. It was a nightmare, wasn't it?" I didn't have to respond, and I wasn't sure I could if I tried - my voice was nonexistent, dried out from wheezing - all I could do was crumble into his lap.

"Shh," he cooed, brushing my hair out of my face. "You're okay. You're safe."

My mind was going a million miles a minute, everything I felt in the nightmare, and everything I was feeling now, came crashing down around me. It felt so real. All of it. Waking up with Matt, the subtle pleasure of it, then the fear that followed.

I buried my fists deeper into the sleeping bag.

We stayed that way for a while: my head in his lap, his fingers working through the ends of my hair. I don't know how long it took for my body to regulate itself, but once it did, I sat against the base of the couch and tried to gather my thoughts. Matt kept his hand firmly on my thigh, reassuring me in the silence that he was there.

"Can I ask what it was about?" he whispered.

"You -" I cut myself off. I couldn't tell him the truth. "You guys...something awful happened. I-uhm, I can't remember."

I hated lying just as much as I hated being lied to. My mother would spin the truth over the smallest indiscretions and then double down when I confronted her. I never understood why it was so difficult for some people to be honest when the truth always came out, but I was learning how much of a coping mechanism it was. Being honest wasn't just telling the truth, it was taking responsibility for everything that came with it. And that was the hard part. In the waking moments it was easier to deny how much I was falling for Matt, how much I was beginning to rely on him and his brothers, but now those feelings and fears were finding me in my sleep.

I wasn't equipped to face that. Not yet.

For another few minutes, we sat in amicable silence listening to the faint creaks of the cabin settling and Nick's gentle snores.

Without a word Matt pulled me against his side, and unlike the night before, I didn't resist.

"Thank you," I breathed against his chest. Beneath my cheek his pulse skipped. He didn't say anything back, just pulled me closer and rested his head on mine.

⎯

It was half past nine when I woke up. There was an indent from the gold chain hanging around Matt's neck on my cheek, and a matching mark below his collarbone from the weight of my head. The scene was too close to the one in my nightmare, except Matt didn't wake up to tell me how little I meant to him. Instead, he pulled me back down by the hips.

"Mmm, comfy..." he murmured into my hair.

It was chilly in the living room, but my body was on fire. I swallowed shallowly.

There was faint movement deeper in the cabin and I peeked over my shoulder to see who was awake. Chris slept soundly beside me, his mouth pursed, hair a flattened mess against the stark pillow case.

Slowly, I removed Matt's arm from my waist and tiptoed down the hallway to find Nick coming out of the bathroom.

"Good morning," I whispered. He had a toothpaste stain on his t-shirt and his hair was damp.

He gave me a knowing look and I averted my eyes back to the hardening stain.

"Someone slept well." He poked the indent on my cheek, making me flush.

So he did see.

"Oh, please," he mocked, heading for the back bedroom, "like I didn't see it coming."

I trailed him, shutting the door behind us. "It's that obvious, huh?"

He folded himself into a criss-cross-apple-sauce position on the floor and I followed suit.

"Honey, you're about as subtle as a neon sign."

I winced.

"You like them both." Nick leaned back on his forearms, leveling me with his gaze. I held it.

"I don't -"

"It's okay," he smirked, "it wouldn't be the first time."

My brow creased. "What do you mean?"

"You're not the first girl to play love triangle with my brothers."

"I'm not playing -"

Nick held his hand up. "I'm not judging you. Trust me, I understand better than anyone that we have no control over who we have feelings for, but you need to know - they won't fight each other for you."

I didn't want them to. I was exceedingly aware of how fleeting love - if you could even call this that - was, and even more so aware of how replaceable I was. Matt and Chris deserved someone who woke up every day and chose them over and over again. No uncertainty or baggage that could get in the way of their happiness.

And I wasn't that girl.

"Nothing is going to come from it." It was a weak promise and we both knew it. Nick smiled sympathetically.

"They care about you, Nat. We all do. But you have to be sure. Chris might act as if nothing phases him, that he takes life as it comes, but he carries things differently than other people. And Matt...he would give you everything he had. He'd spend the rest of his life making sure you knew you didn't have to shoulder your fears and hopes and dreams alone. I can see him doing it already. He's going to want to make sure he can catch you no matter which way you fall."

There was nothing you could say to a speech like that, so I didn't bother trying. The only thing that terrified me more than confessing I had very real feelings for Matt and Chris was knowing that I could lose not just one, but both. If depriving myself of romantic love meant that I could keep them, then there really was no choice that needed to be made.

I nodded smally at Nick and he heaved a heavy sigh.

"We've got you, Nat. You just have to have us back."

⎯

Nick didn't mention our little conversation again. When the boys finally peeled themselves off the floor, I'd already showered and gotten ready for the day.

This was it: the day I'd waited for my whole life. Somehow I felt more sure now than I had before. Maybe it was because I knew I wasn't walking through the dark on my own anymore. Or, maybe my brain was doing like it always did and compartmentalized.

I considered calling Jenny to talk through the nerves, but it was Sunday afternoon and she'd be packaging orders for the week. When I first started working at Next Chapter I was shocked at how much she still did the old fashioned way. Apparently, the locals were big fans of the fact that Jenny hand wrapped their books in brown wrapping paper and adorned them with hand written notes, usually including her own thoughts on the book they'd chosen, and finishing them off with a bow made of twine.

If I were home with her right now she'd be shaking her head at my lopsided letters or showing me for the hundredth time how to "properly" tie a bow.

"Do we need to pack up our bags?" Chris asked from down the hall. He was the last one to get ready and Matt was becoming increasingly impatient.

"Maybe if you listened to me when I spoke you'd know that I already said yes," Matt grumbled from his spot on the recliner. "Throw some sweats and a shirt in a bag and let's go."

Nick emerged from the room with his backpack hanging off one shoulder.

"Do you even have anything in that?" I swatted at the Jansport bag and it swayed lazily.

"Yes, nosey, I do." He rattled off a short list that included his toothbrush, facial cleanser, a pair of boxers, sweatshorts, and a tee shirt.

I laughed. "Well, excuse me."

My duffel waited by the front door. Since we were leaving so late, we figured we'd probably have to stay overnight in Harborough. Plus, considering this whole showing up on Mark's doorstep unannounced could go either way, it was best to be prepared for whatever got thrown at us.

"Christopher Owen Sturniolo, you have three minutes before I leave your ass here," Matt warned.

Chris mocked Matt in a high-pitched voice, coming around the corner. He stuck his tongue out at Matt who rolled his eyes in return.

"You're such a child," Matt said, heading for the door.

"You're such a child," Chris parroted.

"Really?"

"Really?" Chris smirked.

"If you two do this the whole drive I'm going to throw myself out of the car," Nick said.

Chris wiggled his eyebrows and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "They're so easy to wind up."

"Maybe you just know how to push their buttons," I whispered back.

"You might be right." He winked.

He really needed to stop doing that. I shook my head.

"What?" he asked coyly, giving the front door a jiggle to make sure it was locked before following me down the driveway.

"You need to nix the flirting," I hissed under my breath.

He took the duffel out of my hand and tossed it into the trunk. "Does it make you uncomfortable?"

"No, it's not that. It's just -" I gave him a frustrated sigh, "it's better for everyone if we don't make things...complicated."

Chris pressed the button on the trunk and it latched shut. There was a thought playing in his eyes and I held my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. My gaze traced the curve of his bottom lip where his teeth sucked on the inside of its flesh.

We were in that moment where one wrong move could change everything and I wasn't sure which of us was going to flinch first. I meant what I said, things were too complicated and all of the desire, longing, fear - every emotion I was too chicken shit to acknowledge, let alone work through, was hanging around my chest in a knotted ball, and it wasn't fair to give into lust when the repercussions of that choice were fatal. Chris was too good for just about anyone, and especially for me. Nick confirmed that much this morning.

What I wanted didn't matter if it meant losing what I'd finally found. That much I knew.

The piercing sound of the car horn made both Chris and I jump, severing the trance we were in.

"You two getting in or what?" Matt called out the driver side window.

I took a step away from Chris to give myself a little more room to breathe - and think, but he immediately closed the space between us so that I was staring up at him. So close I could see a loose eyelash resting on his cheek.

"Don't worry Nattie. Just friends, remember?"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am SO sorry this chapter took so long!! It's been a very emotionally taxing week and I love and appreciate all of you who continuously show love and support to me and this book. I've been posting character edits of Nat and the boys on my Tiktok (@ peachyniks) so go check them out if you haven't already! I love love love you!! <3