~Chapter Eleven~

June 5, 2016

The day dawned as dark and as dreary as Katie's mood. She was tired, bone tired and knew that today would be her hardest day yet. Today was Justin's funeral.  Katie glanced at the clock on her nightstand and seeing that it was only eight in the morning. Katie sighed, knowing that today was going to be a long day and she still  had two hours before she needed to get ready.

This week had been a whirlwind of activity and she had been so busy trying to keep everything together. The boys were devastated at the passing of Justin, as they should be. Most nights she had one if not all five of the bigger boys in her bed, which made sleeping impossible. She hadn't been eating right, just the thought of food was making her sick.  The ranch was in its busy calving season with new babies being born daily and they had a break in the fence on two separate nights. Katie refused to let Sam and the other cowboys go without her. She owed it to Justin to make the ranch a success for their boys.

Sighing again and rubbing her dry eyes, Katie pushed herself up from her bed, careful not to disturb the sleeping twins. Walking into her ensuite she studied herself in the mirror. She had lost weight from caring for Justin and not herself.  Her eyes didn't have the usual bright sparkle, they just didn't shine as brightly anymore. She had dark black circles underneath her eyes and her mouth turned in a frown making her look older than her 29 years. Shaking her head, Katie grabbed her favorite robe, the one she had taken from Justin all those years ago, and headed towards the kitchen.  As she approached the kitchen she heard the quiet murmuring of Colten, Sam, and Penny.

"Morning," Katie all but whispered walking into the room and stopping the conversation. "I'm sorry I wasn't up to help you feed, Sam. It was a rough night with the twins." Katie gave a small sad smile to Penny as she took the mug of hot chocolate from her.

"It's no problem, Ms. Katie. It's my job anyway. You know I love morning feedings on the ranch." Sam responded with a smile noting how tired Katie really looked. "Is there anything we can do to help you get ready for today?"

Katie frowned, not looking at anyone. She just shook her head and bit her trembling lip. Looking up she saw three concerned faces watching her intently.

"No thank you. I've got the boy's suits ready. Just waiting on them to wake up."

"Well then." Sam nodded. "I need to ride out to the east pasture and check on a few heifers. If you need to get a hold of me, I'll have my mobile."

Katie thanked him absentmindedly and turned to Penny who was making pancakes.

"Thanks for staying on and helping me, Penny. I don't know what I would've done without you here," Katie smiled at her friend and nodded at Colten before she left the room and headed upstairs to wake the boys and get them ready.

"I'm worried about her," Penny said softly watching Katie's back as she retreated from the room. " You know she told me she hasn't cried since the night Justin died. She's a strong woman, but I'm afraid she'll break soon."

Colten studied Penny closely. "You and Katie are good friends. I'm glad she has you."

"Yeah," Penny offered a sad smile. "She hasn't had it easy, especially with the way her dad snubbed her. People would say horrible things about her. Some still do."

"What are you talking about?" Colten questioned gobsmacked that anyone would treat Katie badly. She had a heart of gold.

"It was after you left.  Her dad kicked her out. Basically called her a whore and said she wasn't worth being his daughter. That's one reason why Justin married her. Then after they had Michael some of the townsfolk confronted her in the grocery store one day. Told her she was a harlot trading one brother for another. It was about the time of my accident and she was helping Gran when I was in the hospital. Gran said she showed up with tears pouring down her face but still cleaned as promised. She did this with two little boys and a ranch to care for. Katie's amazing. I hate her life has turned out this way."

"I didn't know," Colten whispered looking distraught. "Oh God, she must hate me. You must hate me. How could Justin forgive me?"

"She never told him," Penny said sitting next to Colten and touching his hand gently. "She didn't want him to know what was happening. And no, neither she nor Justin hated you. They'd talk about you often. And, as for me, I don't know you well enough to hate you."  Penny blushed as she said that, her last sentence coming out almost in a whisper, hanging her head down shyly.

"I hate me."  Penny almost didn't hear what Colten had said, but she caught it.

"I'm sorry you feel that way," Penny stated. Their conversation was interrupted as William and Michael came down for breakfast. After that there was no time to talk. The morning was spent in a flurry of activity as they prepared for the drive into town for Justin's funeral.

After loading all the children into her Chevy Suburban, Katie started out on the twenty mile trek to town. The scenery that she normally found to be breathtaking looked dull and bleak to her. Arriving at the funeral home, Katie sat in truck staring off in space. Not even the boys chatter could shake her from her thoughts. It wasn't until there was a knock on her window that she blinked and noticed her surrounding. Glancing she saw Sam standing there.

"Are you okay, Katie?" Sam questioned with a frown.

"Yes, sorry. Let me get the boys and we will head in." Katie offered a small sad smile.

"Let me help." Before Katie could protest he had Gussy out of his car seat and was moving around to unbuckle Jackson.  Colten arrived and helped to unload the twins. Katie smiled sadly at both men. No other words were spoken as Colten and Justin with all the boys followed Katie into the funeral home.

"Well, moved on already?" Katie paused and heard a condescending voice ask from behind her. Turning she saw someone she hadn't seen in ten years.

"Father," Katie replied quietly, her head hanging down. "Thank you for coming."

"I owed it to Justin. I still don't know what he saw in you."  Turning to Colten, he sneered. "After all, he was stuck with your sloppy seconds."  A few people gasped as they heard the hateful words offered by Sean McCloud. Katie began to shake but said nothing. Colten was so shocked he stood there with his mouth just opening and closing, but no sound was coming out. It was Sam who jumped to Katie's defense.

"Shame on you, Mr. McCloud. Your daughter has gone through hell and back caring for her husband. If you can't be polite, I'd suggest you leave."

"She's getting what she deserves for being a whore," Sean McCloud answered back. "God's punishing her."

"If that's your God, I want nothing to do with him. I suggest you leave," Sam said in a cold voice. Seeing a few other ranchers and cowboys step around Katie in a show of support, Sean turned and left.

"I'm so sorry," Katie whispered looking up at Sam. "But thank you. No one other than Justin has ever stood up for me."

"My pleasure," was all Sam said. At that he turned as the funeral director came to lead Katie to her seat.

The service was beautiful. It started off with a slide show showcasing photos of Justin's life. Ted and Mary Beth along with Sam, Colten, and Penny all sat with Katie to help her with the boys. Ted delivered a beautiful eulogy before opening the floor for anyone else who wanted to speak. A few ranchers and some of Justin's rodeo friends got up to speak. They all spoke of Justin's love for the land, for the cattle and rodeo, for his family, but most of all for Katie. There were plenty of tears shed during the service, except by Katie. Through it all, Katie's eyes remained dry.

After the service, everyone went to eat at Justin's favorite bar-b-que restaurant. It was one of his requests, everyone eat a plate of ribs in his memory. More stories were shared and this time there was laughter among the stories. William and Michael were in awe of the stories shared about their dad. He was a good man, and they thought he was a hero. Hearing what everyone said about him made him even better in their eyes.

After the exhausting day, Katie found herself once again in the big bed surrounded by her boys. Sleep seemed elusive and her mind wouldn't turn off. Moving carefully not to disturb the boys, Katie put on her robe and crept downstairs to get her boots. In a few minutes she was in the barn sitting in Beau's stall, sobbing. She had finally reached her breaking point.

Sam heard something in the barn and saw the lights on. Slowly pulling on his jeans and a shirt he wandered over and found Katie sobbing as she talked to her horse.

"Maybe Father's right," Katie hiccuped as she sat in front of Beau patting his chest. The large horse hung his head down in front of his mistress, almost as if he knew she needed a friend. "Maybe Justin dying was my fault. Maybe I am a whore. Maybe I am a bad mother. I tried, God knows I tried to do what was right. I wish it would've been me who died." She finished on a sob.

"Katie," Sam spoke slowly, approaching her the way he'd approach a skittish colt. Katie's head jerked to where Sam was standing and what he saw broke his heart. She was finally broken.

"Oh Katie, please don't tell me you believe what that man said. It's, it's not true. God's not punishing you." Sam all but whispered as he approached Katie slowly.

"Maybe," she frowned at him. "It just hurts."

"I know it does darling," Sam replied the endearment slipping from his tongue without thought. "But it's not true." Katie just shook her head and continued to sob. Sam sat next to Beau's stall on a hay bale. He knew she needed to grieve and that this was just one of the many steps she needed to walk through. After about twenty minutes her sobs began to subside and she turned to Sam with a sad smile.

"Now I know why Justin trusted you. You're a good friend Sam. Thanks. I think I'll head in and try to sleep now."  Sam just nodded at her. He knew that in moments of deep, painful sorrow, no words could help make anyone feel better. Katie walked silently into the house and headed to bed. Somehow just having Sam listen to her helped her relax enough to sleep. For the first time in a few months Katie felt like she might just survive, even if she had lost her heart.