Chapter 13

“You have to tell us something,” Ellie said from inside the dressing room.

My fitting was already complete, and I was back in my sundress, waiting for her to put her wedding dress on. Ellie was a Beta, and so was Warren. They were adorable, happy, and I couldn’t wait to see them get married. I loved Warren, aside from his poor choice of best friends.

Then again, other than ending our relationship out of the blue, Beau hadn’t really done anything wrong. He never treated me badly or did any of the things you hear stories about. Sure, he liked to stay at parties after I left, and he apparently was cheap enough to reuse jewelry, but did that make him a bad person and friend?

As much as I wished I could say yes, the answer was no.

“What do you want to know?”

My mother just laughed where she sat across the room. Thankfully, the other bridesmaids were finishing up their own fittings, leaving the three of us alone.

“I think,” Mom said, “we’ll be happy with anything. All we know is that you told us you’d be bringing people with you, then showed up yesterday with a pack of gorgeous men. We have questions.”

And I didn’t have answers. Because I had my own questions, along with my quickly-crumbling resolve not to fall into their arms and enjoy the time with them.

“How did you meet?” Ellie asked.

“Trinity introduced us,” I said truthfully. “She met them through work somehow.”

Mom glanced up from the magazine she flipped through. I spotted one of the houses she’d designed on the cover. “So they’re from here?”

“Yeah. They’ve been going back and forth.” Not true, but of the things I wasn’t saying, it was small.

“Where do they live?”

Shit. “I actually haven’t been to their house yet, but they live in Clarity.”

“I’m surprised we haven’t run into them, then.”

I laughed. “They live in Clarity, but I don’t think they’re going to the kind of parties you do, Mom.”

The curtain in the dressing room slid aside, and Ellie came out, followed by the seamstress. She stood on the little pedestal, looking radiant. “It’s gorgeous, El.”

“Thank you. As long as I don’t do anything drastic, the final fitting won’t need anything.”

Her dress was a ball gown, with a full skirt like a cake topper. Off the shoulder neckline and so many sparkling beads she shimmered under the lights of the shop. On the actual day when the wedding was outside? She would glitter.

“I’m glad you’re happy,” I told her. “Really.”

She turned, giant skirt swishing. “I am happy. I wish you were happy too.”

Regardless of what the St. James pack and I did together, being here with everyone and the hold on my mind and heart loosening, I felt better. I shouldn’t have stayed away so long. “I think I’m getting there.”

One of her friends peeked into the room and shrieked. The whole place was filled with exclamations and laughter, and I just smiled. This was nice.

Mom came over and sat next to me. “I’ll hide over here with you.”

“Good call.”

“You seem lighter than when we talk on the phone.”

Shaking my head, I watched Ellie twirl in her gown while a friend filmed it. “Have you ever done something, and you didn’t realize how much it affected you until later?”

“Pretty sure that’s part of being alive,” Mom said. “We can’t see what’s right in front of us until it’s shoved into focus or far too late.”

“I didn’t realize how alone I was.” I looked over at her. “And it seems silly that I didn’t notice it. But now…”

She reached over and took my hand out of my lap. “Sometimes we have to do something for ourselves. Even if it doesn’t make sense, and even if it doesn’t work out the way we hoped. Whatever happens now, you needed that time, Isolde. We missed you, and we’re so happy you’re back, but this wasn’t the place for you to heal. Maybe now it will be.”

I blinked away tears. “Thank you.”

“Now,” she straightened, and I smiled at the shift. Mom was in planner mode. “Do you have plans with those handsome men? Or can you help me today?”

“What are you doing?”

“What am I not doing? Finalizing flowers and place settings. Ellie gave me all the details she doesn’t care about. I’ll have you back in time for the bonfire tonight.”

“Bonfire?”

Mom smiled. “Warren’s idea. Something for the bridal party to do all together before they disperse. Until the actual bachelor and bachelorette parties, of course. Figured it could be fun.”

A bonfire was a great idea. I hadn’t had a chance to set foot on the beach yet. And spending time with Mom might help me clear my head. “I can help. The guys will be fine. Tell me what you need.”

I completely forgot what spending a day with my mother while she was in full planner mode was like. A sight to behold, but exhausting. By the time her driver pulled back up in front of the mansion and the sun was blazing a path to the horizon, the only thing I wanted was to relax on the beach in front of the bonfire.

But we’d taken care of necessary details. Not everything, but enough that my mother felt infinitely less stressed, and I wouldn’t feel bad about lying low for the next week while there weren’t any ‘official’ wedding events.

The suite was empty, so I flopped back onto the freshly made bed, closing my eyes for a second. I was out of practice being around people.

My phone chirped, and I fished it out of my purse.

OCEAN

Did you decide?

ISOLDE

No.

OCEAN

And what’s stopping you?

ISOLDE

Nothing’s changed since yesterday, O.

OCEAN

Exactly. Nothing’s changed, and you didn’t have any good reasons yesterday either.

Rowan had pulled me away and kissed the hell out of me before Ocean and I had finished talking about it. But I was still afraid. And more than that, I’d said what I wanted and what I was going to do. If I changed my mind, what person did that make me?

ISOLDE

If I change my mind after a day, doesn’t that mean I’m weak? I’m not so sex crazed that I can’t last without dick for three weeks.

OCEAN

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

The phone rang a second later. “Hello?”

“Hold on, I’m bringing Rin in.”

A second later, Trinity answered. “Sorry, I didn’t text you this morning when I left. I got distracted by this new article I’m working on. Thanks for putting me in the guest suite.”

“No problem,” I said with a laugh. “But I’m not the one who actually called you.”

“No. I did,” Ocean nearly growled. “Because when I think it’s time for tough love, you know something’s wrong.”

All three of us went silent. Ocean rarely ever raised her voice. She was soft-spoken by nature, and the way her family treated her only made it worse. She had a powerhouse inside of her, but it took coaxing to bring it out.

“I didn’t realize my sex life called for tough love,” I joked.

“Well, it does,” she said. “Not just your sex life. You’re going to be quiet for a second and listen, Iz. Hell, I’m on the verge of driving down there and smacking it into you.”

“Ocean,” Rin laughed. “What’s going on?”

The hitch in her breath told me something else was wrong, but I didn’t say anything. This wasn’t the time to deflect things back on her. I would ask later.

“Iz, I know why you felt like you needed to leave. I understood it, even if I hated it. I get needing time to recover from something. And I understand the nerves you have about jumping into something so fresh when it’s not ‘real.’” Her voice put quotes around the word. “And if you don’t actually want to fuck the pack, then don’t. But if that’s your decision, let it be because that’s what you want and not because you’re afraid of yourself or what’ll happen when it’s over.

“You have a choice.” Her voice broke. “You can do whatever you want, and I’m tired of watching you fight yourself because you’re scared and Beau made you think you’re not worth what you want.”

My mouth dropped open. I’d never heard Ocean talk like this. Ever. “O, are you okay?”

“This isn’t about me.”

“I know,” I said gently. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

She huffed out a breath. “I’m fine. Just do me a favor and stop prioritizing the shit in your brain that doesn’t matter and do something that makes you feel good.”

“I’ll try.”

What she said was entirely true. I did feel that way. I did feel…

“I’ll try to think about just me.”

“Good,” Ocean’s voice sounded normal now. “I’m glad. Let me know what you decide. I have to go.”

She hung up without letting us say goodbye, leaving Trinity and me hovering in the silence.

“What the hell was that about?” Rin asked. “Other than you. You know what I mean.”

I did. “No idea. She seemed good yesterday. Normal. Can you try to find out?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I will. And Iz?”

“Mm?”

“She’s right.”

“Yeah.” My throat felt thick. “I know.”

“Talk to you later.”

The phone went dead in my hand, and I stared at the ceiling. It was one thing to know something about yourself, and another thing to have someone tell you. I curled onto my side, trying to ease the tightness in my chest.

It was shame.

Shame that I’d let myself cling to Beau so desperately that him doing what he’d done had destroyed me. Shame that I was so afraid of myself and my own judgment I felt paralyzed. Shame that I felt… worthless.

The shitty thing about realizations was that even if you had one, it didn’t make the feelings go away. I was still terrified. But Ocean saying ‘you have a choice,’ like she didn’t, gave me enough of a push to try.

Setting my phone aside, I went into the closet to change into my bathing suit and something simpler. I love dresses, but for this I needed to feel like me.

Here went nothing.