Chapter 14

Orange, yellow, and pink lit up the sky like someone took paint and smeared it across the surface. Windswept clouds catching the colorful light and reflecting it back. The surface of the sea mirrored all that brightness, a smudged and gorgeous copy of all the dying beauty, disappearing into infinity.

My bare feet touched the sand, and I sighed, all the tension leaving my body. Ocean breeze carried the scent of salt and sun, the gentle, rhythmic sound of the waves lifting all the heaviness on my chest and shoulders.

This is what I missed the most. Just this. Standing in the face of something so huge and feeling like it saw you. Like you breathed, and it breathed back.

The fire was at the north end of our beach, near the cliffs. The bases were worn away into arches and caves that were as gorgeous to explore as they were terrifying at high tide. But I loved them. The hours I’d spent hiding from everyone and just enjoying the ocean were more than I’d ever admit.

I took my time walking down the beach. The guys were already there. Rowan and Vaughn towered over everyone else. After spending the day away from them, I wasn’t sure how they would greet me. Or how they would respond to what I would ask.

Isolde Allen, I am not pretending with you.

What the hell did that mean? I hadn’t let myself think about it. But now that I was opening myself up to possibilities, I couldn’t not think about it.

I had a blue bikini on under the shorts and shirt I wore. Even in summer the air took on a chill after sunset. Hence the thin shirt. That, and I wanted something to cover my skin while I was deciding. If they touched me too much, I would make the decision based on that alone.

Trinity would tell me it meant my body had already decided. Ocean would tell me it was smart to keep small checks and balances. Me? I didn’t know. I was diving in head first and had no idea how it would turn out. We would have a conversation at some point tonight, and then…

Ellie saw me coming and waved, running down the beach to meet me and nearly tackling me into the sand. “Took you long enough, slowpoke.”

I laughed, slinging her arm over my shoulders. She was already well on her way to getting drunk. “I was helping Mom. With stuff for your wedding.”

“I know,” she sighed. “But you still took forever.”

Warren waited, amused smile on his face, hands in the pockets of his board shorts. I shook my head as we approached. “Gotta keep better track of her.”

“There’s never a time when I’m not,” he said, his eyes only on Ellie.

My sister looked at me. “Want a drink?”

“I’m gonna say hi to the guys first.”

She giggled. “I get you. Let them get the drinks. Smart.”

I handed her to Warren and watched him pull her close, lifting her off her feet before kissing her. For a long time I thought Ellie would be happiest with a pack until Warren came along. He worshipped the ground she walked on, complementing her vibrance with his steadiness. They truly were good for each other, and it showed.

Eyes were already on me. Through the wavering, heated air above the reaching flames, Rowan stared at me. Vaughn too. My feet started moving before I decided, and this felt different, because I was approaching them with entirely different intentions.

Vaughn caught me first. He swept me up the way Warren had Ellie, purr rolling through both of us. I froze. It was the first time any of them had purred for me.

How long had it been since I felt an Alpha’s purr?

Far too fucking long.

I relaxed, choosing to lean into the feeling and not fight it. Vaughn kissed my cheek. “Missed you today.”

“It was exhausting.”

“Want a drink?”

“Honestly? Not really. I want to relax, but I’m not sure getting drunk is what I’m feeling right now.”

Rowan stepped up next to us. “I can help with that.”

“Oh?”

He pulled a little case out of his pocket. “A hobby of mine.”

The case held hand-wrapped joints that were so neat they could have been professional. My eyes widened. “Really?”

“Why so surprised?”

“I don’t know. I just didn’t get the feeling you were a stoner.”

Rowan’s laugh echoed across the beach. “I’m not. I like it, but it’s not an every day or all the time thing. My sister deals with chronic pain, and my dad had cancer. I started growing to help them out. Turns out I enjoy it. I have edibles too, but I think you might need something that kicks in faster.”

“Is your dad…?”

“He’s gone.”

I winced. “I’m sorry.”

Rowan handed me one of the small joints. “Don’t be. He had a great life, and he was ready. Does me growing bother you?”

“No,” an inelegant snort fell out of me. I covered my mouth and nose with my hand. They heard it anyway, though they didn’t say anything. “I grew up here, remember? Most people were doing things harder than weed.” And there were far worse things.

Vaughn lit the joint for me, and as soon as I’d taken one breath, Hawk stole it from me.

“Hey.” I tried to steal it back.

“Don’t want to share, baby girl?”

I shivered, and it had nothing to do with the cool breeze off the water. “No, I’ll share.”

He took a drag and handed it back to me. “Did you have fun today?”

“If by fun, you mean tasting more food than is entirely reasonable and checking every boutique in Clarity for exactly the right vases for centerpieces, then yes. But it was nice to hang out with my mom.”

Hawk took me to the sand, pulling me down and arranging me between his legs. Close enough to the fire to feel its warmth as the sun faded, and not close enough to get burned. His scent wrapped around me along with his arms. “I’m glad you had fun.”

Someone sat down next to us. Joel, smiling, with a beer in his hand. They were all dressed casually, and they looked good. I let myself look. Shirts stretching over muscles and enough scruff along their jaws I wanted to reach out and touch. Joel had freckles like me, and the waning sun lit up his hair the way it did mine, bright as the fire.

But—

“Where’s Cade?”

“He’ll be back soon,” Vaughn said, hitting the sand in front of me, his back to the bonfire. “He had to go teach a class, but it should be over by now.”

“What does he teach?”

Vaughn glanced around, checking where the others were. Ellie’s bridesmaids and Warren’s groomsmen mingled around the fire, but none were close enough to hear our conversation. I didn’t see Beau or Angela, thankfully.

“He teaches a lot of things,” Vaughn said. “But mainly shibari.”

A deep shudder rolled through me, and it didn’t go unnoticed. “We know you’re familiar because of your questionnaire,” Hawk murmured in my ear.

“He teaches it?” Imagining Cade working with people, tying them up, the image was so hot I had to take a deep breath. And fight off the sudden flare of jealousy. I didn’t want his hands on someone else, especially since I knew so much of shibari and rope play was done without clothing to help with friction.

Hawk’s chuckle warmed me up, and he started to purr too. Fuck. My head rolled back on his shoulder, and he held me tighter. “We all have things we do when we’re not doing this. Cade actually owns the place and teaches kink. How to do things safely.”

“I didn’t—” I swallowed. “I didn’t know there was anything like that in Clarity.”

Joel leaned forward, stroking a hand down my bare leg. “It’s the perfect place for it. Rich people are kinky as fuck, and in Clarity? So is everyone else. No clubs, but Sunset City has plenty of those, if you want them.”

Breathing in another lungful of smoke, I snuggled down further into Hawk. A low sound in his throat, and suddenly he was turning my head back to capture my lips with his. Naturally. Easily.

Even with Beau, it hadn’t felt like this.

Fear rose up in me, and I tried to push it down. What if I got addicted to them? What if it hurt to let them go?

What if I shut the fuck up and enjoyed Alphas and a Beta who wanted to show me something more?

One more breath of smoke. It was starting to help me relax. Weed was never one of those things that made me feel out of control. I didn’t get paranoid and I didn’t lose my mind. Instead, I felt good. Relaxed. It lifted my fears and loosened me. Made me who I knew I could be.

I just needed to figure out how to do it sober too, and something told me these men might be the ones to show me how.

“I have a question for all of you, but I…” I offered the joint to Hawk again. He took it and pulled in a long breath. “I don’t want anyone else to hear, and I’m nervous you’ll judge me for it.”

Joel jerked his head at Rowan, and he joined us. The others scooted closer. Circling me, keeping close enough that anyone else at this fire would simply see a pack enjoying each other’s company and nothing more.

“We’re listening.” Vaughn pulled my feet into his lap, sand gently scratching my skin as he ran his hands over my bare legs.

Nerves swirled in my gut. I stared into the flames, figuring out how to word it. Hawk squeezed me gently. “Isolde?”

“I—” I cleared my throat. “I might have changed my mind. But I made such a big deal out of saying no that I feel silly. It was more about me than you, but I don’t want you to think I’m… I don’t know.”

Rowan looked at me like he could see through me. “Changed your mind about what?”

My whole body went hot. I dropped my voice to a whisper. “Sex.”

Hawk froze against me, and a second later his purr vibrated so hard through me I wondered if he did that between my legs if he could get me off. “You thought we would judge you for that?”

“Not the actual sex, no. But for being so fucking adamant about not having it, and then changing my mind.”

Joel leaned forward. “It’s more common than you might think.”

“Really?”

“Really.” He grinned. “The idea of having sex with strangers isn’t normal for most people, and when you’re reaching out to someone, or a pack, to help you through something emotional, sex isn’t as important. But now you’re here. You’re safe. And you’re comfortable. If it’s something you want?” Joel shook his head. “Fuck, Isolde, we want you.”

“Why?” I blurted the word out without any thought, and they laughed.

Hawk put the joint back between my lips. “What possible reason would there be not to want you, baby girl?”

I didn’t have an answer to that.

Vaughn pulled out his phone. “In that case, I have some things I want to ask you about.”

“Oh?”

He smirked. “For someone who wasn’t interested, you were very thorough when you filled everything out.”

“I was also drunk, so there’s that.”

“Then you were probably honest,” Rowan said with a smile, his own joint hanging from his fingers. “If I’d known you were going to tell us this, I wouldn’t have given you that.” He gestured to my hand.

I whined. “You’re not going to leave me hanging because I’m a little high, are you?”

“Leave you hanging?” Hawk whispered. “Never. Make sure you’re clearly able to consent? Absolutely.”

Vaughn’s face was lit by his phone screen. “How much of this have you done? Or tried?”

“Almost nothing.”

“Because you didn’t want to? Or because you didn’t have the opportunity?”

I rolled my eyes. “Because getting Beau to do something that wasn’t the same five moves wasn’t worth my time, and before that, I didn’t know shit.”

Joel kept his expression carefully blank. “Were the five moves any good?”

“They were… passable.”

He choked on his beer. “Passable?”

“I got there most of the time.” Not true. “Some of the time. It wasn’t mind blowing.”

Hawk growled. “Some of the time isn’t a phrase you should ever use when describing getting off.”

“When you have a hard time getting there it is. It wasn’t always his fault. Sometimes it’s hard.”

“You’re right,” he whispered, running his hands up my ribs. “Sometimes coming is hard. You know what’s not? Caring about someone enough to make sure they’re satisfied even if there’s no orgasm involved.”

I shook my head. “You guys say that like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Have you met most men?”

Vaughn leaned forward and slid his phone into my hand. “Yes, we have, which is why we’re nothing like them. Now tell me what things on the list actually interest you.”

The screen was almost too bright in the near darkness, but I saw all my answers typed out next to the questions, and the long list of checkboxes for interest. That list was based on all the things they were interested in or willing to do.

My eyes skipped down the list, catching on things.

Blowjobs.

Bondage—rope, metal, hands, miscellaneous.

Breath play.

Consensual non-consent.

Hair pulling.

Primal Play.

Cock warming.

Cock swaddling.

Pain.

Praise.

Primal.

Somnophilia.

Spanking.

And those were only some of the things listed. It was too much.

I swallowed. “I didn’t lie. On the list. Whatever it says there is what I’m interested in.”

Across the fire, I saw Beau arrive with Angela looking far too mussed. She still had the fucking bracelet on her hand, and that hurt more than the idea that she and Beau were just having sex. That didn’t hurt at all, and I smiled.

Vaughn followed my gaze. “Why are you smiling at them?”

Taking a deep drag on the joint before putting it out, I blew it out into the velvet sky. “Because they were just having sex from the looks of her hair, and I feel nothing about it. She can have him.”

Hawk’s purr sprang to life beneath me, and Rowan took Vaughn’s phone from my hand, but kept holding mine. “Okay, Isolde. Tell us exactly what you want.”

The edges of my mind were blurring in a good way. I felt like I could breathe. The crackle of fire and the sound of the sea and everyone’s chatter and laughter. This was good. “I know it’s not real,” I said quietly, shaking my head. “But it’s been a long time since I’ve had fun. Any kind of fun, honestly. And with that many things I haven’t tried on the list, it could be a good idea to—holy fuck, I’m rambling.”

They all laughed, the sound warming me from the inside.

“Let me help you out, baby girl,” Hawk whispered in my ear. “Are you saying that you want us to help you explore things you’ve never tried before, while at the same time fucking you at every possible opportunity for the next few weeks?”

My whole body shuddered, arousal, longing, and need twisting through me like a living thing. “Yes,” I said, closing my eyes and surrendering to the truth and also to all my fear. “Yes, that’s what I want.”

Joel lifted his beer in a toast. “Then that’s all you have to say.”