nine

Raised temper mixes with embarrassment inside me and my hands shake with frustration. As I grab my things from the adjoining bathroom and stuff them into my duffel bag haphazardly, I hear someone approaching from behind me. Biting my tongue before lashing out, I hear Adam's voice and relax just slightly.

"Hey, you're not really leaving right?" I turn to find him leaning against the doorframe, the way he does at my office all of the time. Meeting his eyes, I feel my cheeks flush, wondering what he thinks about me, now that the secret is definitely out. I'd been naive before - secretly hoping no one would connect the dots, at least not to my face. Not because I'm embarrassed of Beau, but because I know no one takes the relationship, or me, for that matter, seriously once they find out.

Sighing, I shake my head and speak honestly. "I don't know Adam, it's obvious what everyone thinks of me, so why bother? I don't think more 'Never Have I Ever' is going to change that,"

Looking to the expensive tile flooring, his brows furrowed over his eyes, he mutters, "It's not what I think of you."

Instantly, my shoulders slump and guilt fills me up. "I know that, I didn't mean you, too." Actually, I hadn't known that, but it's nice to hear, anyways. Immediately, I feel more at ease, knowing there's at least one person here who doesn't consider me a slutty sell-out. I almost smirk as Chloe's words ring loudly in my head all of this time later.

Watching his sad smile stretch across his face, I groan inwardly. Here I go, again. "Fine, I'll stay." I give in, "But I'm not staying in this room."

"I'd switch with you, but I'm sharing a room with Wren." His thick brows come together over his eyes as he pouts in frustration. I shutter at the thought of spending a night in the same room as the man, especially after our little game.

I shrug, throwing my bags over my shoulder. "I'll sleep outside."

"You'll what?" Adam scoffs, dark eyes crinkled at the corners with his large smile.

"I used to do it with my parents all the time," I explain. "You know, stargazing and all of that?" While the idea was mediocre a minute ago, nostalgia tugs at my heart strings and surprisingly, brings moisture to my eyes. Shoot, being here is harder than I thought it would be. I'd expected Tori and Lizzie to be mean, but I never thought I'd get so emotional all these years after my parents death.

Shocking me, Adam leans off the door frame and nods. "I'll go with you,"

My hearts warms at his offer. "You don't have to do that, Adam. I'll be fine."

Following me into the bedroom, he replies, "I'm sure you will be. But I'd still like to come with you, if that's okay? I've never slept outside before, at least not without a tent."

Holding back my smile, I shrug. "Fine with me,"

I check my watch as Adam digs through the cooler, grabbing us a couple more beers. It's already 2AM but since we've come out here, there hasn't been an awkward moment yet. We've laughed about our childhood stories, got into a heated debate about what breed of dog is best (I immediately answered German Shepherd, when until recently, I'd always wanted a beagle. I didn't let myself dwell too much on my recent change of heart, instead conceding when Adam made a strong argument for golden retrievers), and now I'm listening to Adam gush over his childhood crush.

"Her name was Mrs. Kay," He hands me a cool can as he sits down beside me on the picnic blanket he had grabbed from the basement. "She was my second grade teacher and til this day, I've never loved someone more."

"Your teacher?" Laughing, I put my hand over my mouth so I don't spew beer everywhere. The drinks are making me feel full and bloated, but they're also keeping my anger at bay, so I take another deliberate sip as Adam nods at me innocently.

"She was a blonde," Adam laughs, too. "What can I say, I knew my type early on, I guess."

I stiffen at the comment, forcing my friendly smile to stay in place. Adam doesn't look at me, choosing instead to stare out over the water, even darker than the night sky. The hum of insects in the trees and the small splashes of frogs and fish keep it from falling completely silent.

"What about you?" Adam asks, keeping his eyes straight ahead. "Do you remember your first crush?"

Smiling to myself, I nod, cradling my beer can against my neck. "Timmy Johnson, in first grade. He was a trouble maker, but annoying as he was, always sticking gum under the chairs and pulling my hair, I couldn't resist. I was smitten," I shrug, Adam's comment about knowing his type early on sticking with me. Was I always destined to fall for a misbehaved punk with a secret heart of gold? "'A distraction to others,' I think our teacher called him." My voice trails off as I lose myself in thought.

Adam turns to look at me over his shoulder, a smirk on his lips. "And what about this guy now, Beau Lewis?"

My good mood deflates instantly, replaced with cautious skepticism. "What about him?"

I expect a rant about how he's no good for me, or for Adam to confess his own feelings, but instead he pushes my knee playfully.

"Where'd you two meet?" His expression is open and friendly, like he really wants to know, and not just to make fun.

My returning smile grows impossibly big, thankful that Adam isn't like everyone else.

The time passes easily after that as Adam listens to my stories of being on tour, minus the bad stuff that hurts too much to get into. When we're finished talking about Beau, we fall into comfortable silence, leaning back on our hands to stare at the stars.

The sky is clear out here, each star like a bright little pin point against a dark blanket. Memories of nights spent just like this wash over me, my mind somewhere else entirely, as I practically hear Mom telling me not to get too close to the water so late at night, and Dad telling her I would be fine - they were right there, what harm could come to me then?

I've always wondered what went through their minds the day they died - was it sudden, too quick for them to even think? Or did they see my face before everything went black and know, that someday, I would be alone?

"Know any constellations?" Adam asks, voice gruff with sleep, interrupting me from my thoughts.

I yawn, wiping away a tear before he can notice it. "No, my dad was always the astronomer,"

"Was?"

Feeling my walls going up, but too tired to fight them back down, I just nod my head. "My parents passed when I was younger."

Sensing my reluctance, Adam places a hand over mine briefly, his skin warm against my own. "I'm sorry to hear that,"

I offer a half smile and he returns his hand to his own lap, tilting his head back once more to gaze at the sky. We continue on like that, staring up at the darkness in quiet contemplation, until we both fall asleep to the sound of crickets and waves lapping at the shore.

***

Thankfully, Jess stepped up the last day of the retreat and organized the days activities. We split into groups to go fishing and kayaking, and I was thankful to be placed with Adam, who picked up where we left off last night in a friendly rhythm I was comfortable with. Then we had lunch and that meant sitting together as a whole group. Lizzie and Tori didn't speak to me at all, but I was sure their dirty looks were because I spent the night sleeping outside with Adam. Let them think what they want, I reminded myself, focused instead on Adam's stories and Wren's witty comments. After lunch, I took a stroll through the woods alone, coming back just in time to pack up my things.

I toss my phone in the passenger seat as it rings. I was proud of myself for resisting the urge to call him all weekend - it showed me I could handle the distance, that I could focus on other things besides him, when I have to.

"Fuck, I've missed you," Beau's voice comes through the speakerphone after only two rings, as I pull my car out of the long driveway and wave one last goodbye to Adam.

Mmm, his voice immediately relaxes me, making me forget about all the bitchy attitudes and the knot in my back from sleeping on the ground.

"Can I come over?" The words are out of my mouth before I can think them through, but I don't care. I got through the weekend without him but now, I just need to see him. I need to curl up against his chest, to trace the familiar lines of his tattoos, to feel his arms around me and let everything else just fall away.

"You don't even have to ask," I can hear the wicked Cheshire Cat smirk in his voice and tug my bottom lip between my teeth. Will I ever get enough of him? "You sound sad, was the trip okay?"

I blink back the PG-13 thoughts racing through my mind and try to sound more positive, forgetting that this new Beau is much more perceptive. "It was fine, just being here made me miss my parents more than I thought, is all. After they passed, I never went back to see the lake cabin. Nana did all of that stuff, and I was always too afraid to even drive by it."

"We could go together, if you wanted." His offer makes me smile, despite the few tears running down my cheeks. Get a grip, Emma.

"It's okay," I wipe the tears away, "Someone else owns it now, I just wasn't prepared to get so emotional." I play it off with a laugh and Beau lets the subject drop.

"So how long till you're here? I'll get some dinner for when you get in," I try to focus on his words but a female voice in the background distracts me. Rey. For a moment, I'd forgotten about her. But now my thoughts scramble with the possibility that she was with Beau all weekend and I wasn't. I hear her ask if it's me on the phone and decide that Beau wouldn't have done anything with her. I have to trust in that, in him.

Still, it's time she got with him that I didn't.

"I'll be there in like an hour," I mutter, checking the time on my dashboard.

Beau groans and I can't help but giggle at his impatience, a trait I remember well from the first time around. "Well, I and dinner, will be here waiting for you. And after dinner," His voice dips lower and I feel my cheeks redden at the same time as butterflies stir in my belly, "I'm going to show you just how much I missed you."

The air is heavy with his words before he perks back up, hanging up with an upbeat, "See you soon, Emma."

I take in a shaky breath, stunned as the line goes dead. His promise brings my earlier thoughts back to my mind, this time much more graphically than before, and I feel my insides tense in anticipation. I press my foot to the gas pedal, the entire weekend floating away somewhere far in my mind, my thoughts now solely fixated on Beau and getting to his house.