"You're losing me..." (43)

Lying in bed, wrapped in each other's arms, the dim light of the moon filtered through the curtains.

It was like a dream.

"We need to get dressed over this langerie, sweetie, at least a t-shirt..."

Bella whispered as she noticed that I was shivering slightly.

I pouted, she giggled as she reluctantly untangled herself from our embrace, she got up and walked to the wardrobe.

"Bella, I want your shirt, can you get it? it's in the bag over there..." I requested.

She chuckled softly as she picked it up.

I pulled it in and I smiled, inhaling her familiar scent.

Bella stood in front of the wardrobe and ran her hand through my clothes with an affectionate smile.

Her hand suddenly froze when she reached what was left of... Joe's clothes.

Her smile disappeared.

I could see the tension in her body, the way her shoulders tightened and her eyes flickered.

I took a deep breath.

"You can take my blue shirt, Bella, it's a bit large and long for me..." I spoke softly, holding back my distress.

She hesitated a bit but took it anyway.

She turned to face me, her expression far too composed, she put on my shirt and came closer again.

I reached out, gently placing my hand on her back.

"It suits you." I whispered, trying to lighten the mood.

Bella took a deep breath, her expression softening as she looked into my eyes.

"Ellie..." She took my hand.

No, please don't.

When she spoke with that calm, warm tone of voice I could tell that everything she would say next would only be deadly true and brutally honest.

"I know that for all this time we've been avoiding talking about it... but if I don't say this now..."

There's a slight crack in her tone, revealing the urgency behind her words.

We used to pretend it was nothing.

We talked about everything but that...

"I can't pretend I don't feel this, I can't pretend I don't want you."

Her voice heavy with emotion.

"I want you too..." I whispered.

"Ellie, I want you all the time. I want all of you. When you are not around me, I feel like I have to go find you. I've been wanting this all my life."

Her voice was a mix of hope and wistfulness.

My heart raced as I moved closer, wanting to bridge the gap between us.

I gave her a kiss on the lips but it was shorter than I thought.

Bella smiled faintly.

"Don't try to stop what am I about to tell you, Ellie, because I can't and I don't want to."

It was time.

It's now or never.

"I wish we didn't have to navigate around all this... that we could just be ourselves without fear or hesitation."

She declared.

"Your confident leaves me breathless. I wish I can be like this too."

My eyes flickered, hers were firm.

Bella squeezed my hand tightly.

"Ellie, you can be whatever you want. We can find a way to do that. Together."

I sighed.

"You are far too optimistic. I've been stuck in this all my life..."

"You can change that. I can help you if let me in. We can face this together."

Her voice is like a gentle plea.

I squinted my eyes feeling a lump around my throat.

"I don't... I don't know if I can do that... I can't... I can't drag you into this mess... my mess."

"If you think that I am going to leave you alone to face this, then you are not understanding my true feelings for you." Her voice lowered with the edge of her confession.

"No," I said, my voice steady.

"I can see that in your eyes, and I hope that you can feel it through mine. There's nothing more truer than this."

"Then you'll be mine and I'll be yours."

She asserted. Her smile radiating confidence once more.

I took a deep breath.

"Why do you like me?"

I asked, feeling lost.

Bella narrowed her eyebrows. 'Do I need a reason?'

"Maybe..."

"Because it's you. Just being you is enough, Ellie."

I shook my head, sighing wistfully.

"But I'm helpless, I'm weak... I'm always paranoid and destructive... I let people down. It's what I do."

Her hand tightened as if she didn't want to let me go.

"Don't you understand? We have seen both the worst and best parts of each other. We're the same, Ellie."

No, we are not. Unfortunately.

You are strong, confident and beautiful.

You are warm like a summer day.

Everything I am not.

You are the sun. I am the moon.

I can only be your ruin.

I felt my breath fail me.

"I can't let myself go like that... I can't bear this for you, it's too heavy."

Bella shook her head in frustration.

"What are you talking about, Ellie? I can bear this."

She leaned in closer to me.

"You have to make an effort and stop being so attached to people's judgment."

"Bella... I can't change that, I have tried really, really hard... but this is who I am."

She leaned her forehead against my hands in a moment of despair.

"I'm not trying to changing you, Ellie, I'm just trying to open your eyes. I'm caring for you, I fucking do. I..."

She suddenly stopped. Her breath growing in intensity.

God, how can I do that?

I don't want to, but I have to.

"If you really care for me... please, don't make this worse than it is already..."

My voice barely above a whisper, as if each word was fragile.

"Am I making you uncomfortable? Want me to feel a little less?"

Her voice almost teasing now, but there was a sense of hurt beneath the surface.

How is this escalating so quickly?

"I never said that..."

"Do you think that I'm not afraid as well? Because... I'm very afraid that you look at me and see something temporary."

Her breath hitched as she spoke, her hands trembling slightly.

I didn't answer. I couldn't speak, my voice was stuck in my throat, desperately trying to make its way past my lips.

Bella's gaze dropped, she pulled the sheets off and got up quickly, letting my hands go.

"I'm not temporarily. I want to stay." She affirmed.

She clutched her arms, as if trying to hold herself together.

"My heart is aching because... this can't be possible..."

I murmured.

I was desperate.

Bella took a step closer, her breath quickening.

"See? You keep doing what people want. You wanna live to please others―Ellie?"

Her voice sharpened, frustration evident in every word.

"This has nothing to do with it..."

"Yes, it does. What do you want?"

"You're everything I never knew I needed, Bella. Some people search their whole lives to find what I found in you."

I desperately hold my tears back.

She broke the space between us and knelt down beside me, she took both of my hands again, clinging to me as if I were the last thread of control she had left

"Then my heart is yours."

She affirmed.

"I can't have it, Bella. I'm going to break it, that's the only thing I can do."

I said firmly.

"How can you do that?"

Her teary eyes searched mine.

My whole world is crumbling.

Seeing her like this really breaks me.

"Oh, Bella, please... the chaos inside my head is... just...overwhelming."

I smiled nervously.

"We will face it together, I promise you."

I shook my head.

"I feel like... it won't heals. And it hurts."

My voice broke slightly as my gaze faltered, lost in the pain of my thoughts.

Bella wrapped her fingers around mine.

"I can see the pain in your eyes, sweetie, and I wish it was me, not you."

Her voice was soft and filled with a deep emergency.

No one had ever said such meaningful words to me.

But this is exactly what I don't want for her—to carry all my pain.

"It's my fight. It's the goddamn fight of my life. I don't want this for you... for-"

"And I don't want to stay away from you, Ellie."

She interrupted me.

I immediately took up what I was about to tell her, containing my tears from falling.

"For this reason, I know it's better off this way, for both sides."

In a burst of emotion, Bella shot up, her movement abrupt and tense.

Our hands were no longer touching.

"For both sides? Hm! Don't make me laugh, Ellie."

Her voice was tense now.

"You really don't think about the consequences, do you? Don't you think about everything that could happen? The repercussions? Bella..."

I spilled what I was keeping and all the pain and the frustration flushed through my body.

"I just want to be with you and not worry about what comes next! But I can tell you're not."

Her chest heaving, struggling to regain her composure.

"Bella, you can't suddenly stop caring about what other people think... I wish it were like that but no one is going to have your or mine back on this."

" Then I WILL HAVE YOUR BACK, DAMN IT!"

She burst out, her voice rising with urgency.

She let out a ragged sigh as she saw me suddenly freeze.

"Listen... I've pass too many challenges, ever since I was a child... for me not being prepared for everything."

"That's why you don't deserve what everyone will say about you... I won't let it happen."

I uttered one of worst fear.

"I don't fucking care! I can handle that shit, Ellie."

Her voice filled with determination and urgency.

"So far..." I whispered.

"So far and even after."

She corrected me.

I lowered my gaze.

She took a deep breath. "What are you afraid of, Ellie?"

"I... I just-" I paused.

"I can't stop thinking about all the things that will be lost. From both sides."

I uttered one of my worst fears once again.

"I got nothing to lose."

She affirmed, more serious than ever.

"What do you mean, Bella? You got everything to lose."

"I'm breaking up with Leo."

She said confidently.

My heart raced.

"I don't love him. Probably for a long time now... I was just... being a coward. I didn't realize it until you."

She confessed, her voice conveyed both pain and a sense of liberation.

My breath increased.

"What about your job?"

"It's just a job. I can find a new one."

"You like that job..."

"I have to quit, Ellie. I just can't handle it anymore. It's for a better reason."

I suddenly halted.

It was like everything we had been holding back poured into that single moment.

The air crackled with tension and longing, both a relief and a burden.

"Talk to me..."

Bella called me urgently.

"I'm just trying to process everything..."

"Everything will be okay, Ellie. This is just a gateway to something beautiful."

I'm scared. I'm so scared for her. I'm too scared.

"This is getting too painful... everything will be ruined."

My heart raced with fear.

"No, it won't. Can you please stop assuming the worst?"

She said, trying to remain calm.

I exhaled.

I have to hold on although it's getting harder.

"Things are tough, Bella... please, I just want you to understand everything fully..."

I whispered.

"You think I don't know that? You think I'm blind to what's happening?"

She shot back.

"I'm just trying to hold it together here! But you WON'T let me!"

Her voice rising slightly.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry... it's about holding or losing for me too..."

My voice trembled.

Bella clenched her jaw.

Her eyes flickered, revealing a sense of anger and vulnerability.

"You are just losing me..."

"And isn't that enough?" I let it slip.

I almost cried.

Because for me, losing her feels like losing me.

A/N

I KNOW!! I KNOW!!! THIS IS SO PAINFUL TO READ!! BUT I HAVE TO ADD ANGST, I think it's important too 💔

I'll tell you... you will be NOT ready for part 2 of this...

Let me know if you think they will solve this or not...