HUGE F BUDDIES: Chapter 29

It’s my last night, but nobody knows except me.

Steve went up to his office while we watched a movie, but halfway through, I resolve not to waste any more time on the TV. I decide to go and hunt him out because I need him to know certain things before I feel comfortable leaving.

“Hey,” I say, peeking my head around the door. He’s sitting at a desk, surrounded by bookshelves. On one wall, there is a large whiteboard covered in scribbles that I realize are outlines for coaching. I don’t know whether they are old or new. I haven’t even asked if he had to leave his post or if they’ve given him sick leave.

“Sara, come in.” He swivels around in his large high-backed leather office chair and points to a bucket seat in the corner. “Sit.”

I perch, my hands resting on my knees like I’m at an interview. Things between us are still very formal, but isn’t surprising. We haven’t spent nearly enough time together for it to be okay for me to leave, but is there ever enough time? Life passes fast, whichever way you look at it.

“How are you feeling?”

“Great,” he says brightly, but his pallid skin and tired eyes tell another story. Maybe he means compared to how he felt in the hospital. If Amber’s descriptions are anywhere near the truth, he went through a lot.

“That’s good,” I say. “Everyone is happy to have you back.”

“I bet you guys had a load of fun while we weren’t here. Amber said she found a bunch of beer bottles in the trash.”

“It wasn’t like that. We just needed something to take the edge off.”

“Well, that’s all over now.” There’s a firmness to his tone that sends a wave of relief through me. He believes he’s going to be well, and positive thinking is more than half the battle. He’s also laying down the law about alcohol consumption in the house. I guess the boys will have to get used to it being off-limits again.

“So, I just wanted to tell you that I’ve had a great time. I know this summer didn’t turn out how either of us would have chosen, but I’m glad I came and that we had some time to get to know each other.”

“Me too,” he says, smiling broadly. “Making that journey to Eastern was tough, but it was something I had to do, and I’m glad I found the courage to do it.”

“I’m glad you did too.”

“You know, I see how much we’re alike, and not just in looks.” He sits forward on his chair; his expression is thoughtful. “I hope that you learned a lesson from me…facing up to fears is so hard, but the longer we leave it, the harder it becomes. Be better at this than me.”

I nod, but inside I know that I will always find this harder than anything else. I’m my father’s daughter from my curly hair down to my avoidance of anything difficult. If I listened to him, I’d be telling him that I’m leaving. I’d say a proper goodbye rather than skulking out under the cover of darkness. I’d tell the boys that I love them but that nothing can happen between us anymore. I’d face all of the decisions I’m making head on rather than running away from them.

“I have your letter,” I say like that’s the key to living a better life. I guess it is, but lessons are much stronger when learned through our own experience. It’s why we repeat the mistakes of our parents and grandparents, even when they pass on their words of wisdom.

“Well, that’s good.” Steve takes a deep breath. “I wrote it when I was worried I wasn’t going to get a chance to talk to you in person.”

“I know.”

“But now we have the time to…”

“Yes, we do.”

And we will, when my stepbrothers have left home, and I won’t have to face them whenever I visit. Or when they’ve moved on and have girlfriends and won’t think of this time that we’ve had together as anything other than a good memory.

“I just…I want you to know that you’re such a blessing in my life. I’ve been blessed so much that sometimes I don’t know how to accept it. Like the check that arrived for my treatment. I’ve been trying to find out if there is any way of me finding out who sent it. I kept the envelope in case it would give clues.” He grabs it and holds it up, and my stomach flips.

“Sometimes, you just need to accept the blessings rather than question them,” I say quickly. “Whoever sent that money didn’t want you to know who they were because it’s not important to them to receive your thanks. Make peace with that because focusing on it now isn’t a good use of your energy.”

Steve nods, putting the envelope with my modified handwriting back down on his desk. “I guess I’m just not used to taking charity.”

“Whoever it was who gave it to you wanted you to get better more than they wanted the money. You told me that it’s important to focus on people, not things.”

He nods and smiles, seeming wearier than before. “How did you get so wise?”

“I try to listen and learn.”

“Good girl.”

“So, I’m going to go back down. Are you going to join us?”

“I guess I don’t have anything to do here that is more important than spending time with my wife and kids.”

“Well, there you go.” We rise at the same time, and Steve lets me pass through the door first, and for the first time since he came into my life, I don’t want to refer to him as Steve anymore.

“Thanks, Dad,” I say softly, “for everything.”

His face splits into a beautiful open smile that tells me he’s been waiting for me to call him that. He puts his arm around my shoulder and tugs me toward his chest, kissing me on the curly mop of hair that he gave me. “You never have to say thank you to me,” he says. “But you can always call me Dad.”

That evening we sit on the sofa side by side, and I absorb everything, knowing that it will never be this way again. My stepbrothers are stretched out on the sofa and floor, laughing at the comedy and tossing popcorn at each other every so often. Amber is curled up with a book next to Steve, and he has his hand resting on her foot. I’m a part of this family, and it feels amazing.

My dad’s words rest in my mind, and I make another promise to myself that I’ll make a family this amazing of my own one day. I’ll take his example with Amber and find a strong love bond. I’ll be brave and face the risk of hurt and disappointment because the chance of finding love is so worth it.

But as I gaze over my beautiful boys, I know in my heart I’m never going to find what I have with them with any one man. They bring too much to our relationship; all the things that make them special individually and all the things that make us great as a group. My promise feels hollow because I don’t believe it can happen to me again.

Sometimes love is a one-shot deal.

Luck is a funny thing. People say we make our own luck. Positive people are more likely to experience good fortune because they put themselves in positions where they can be shined upon, but I feel as though I’ve had all the good luck a person could deserve.

I’d give away my lottery win to be with my stepbrothers, without hurting my dad or breaking this family apart.

But that isn’t a choice I can make. It isn’t something money can buy.

And leaving is the only way things will be right.