Chapter 13

Edited

Alex POV

Every step I took made it harder to breathe. Today was one of those days I dreaded. It was one of those days where everything in me shut down and I was a walking corpse trying to get through the day. I couldn't even pay attention in English. My mind was clouded with so many thoughts, I thought I was going to stop breathing and die in front of everyone. Sam tried to comfort me this morning, but it only made things worse. I needed to be alone and figure out the mess that I was becoming on this inside. I didn't want anyone's help. Sam knew that these days were meant for me to spend alone, but she still tried to break down my wall and let herself in. It took us both by shock when I snapped at her in front of everyone. I was glad Elias wasn't there to see the monster being unleashed. I walked up the stairs slowly, trying to contain myself. I'd stop every few steps and just stare into the concrete. My eyes would blur and I'd have to shake my head to remind myself I was still awake.

Am I okay? I thought I was past all this. I thought I was done with feeling broken, but I guess once you're broken you can't be fixed. I opened the roof door to a cloudy sky. Perfect. Sighing, I sat against the brick wall and put my earbuds in. I had to block out the world. I had to pretend and smile. But I couldn't. Not when I was alone and not today. I stared at the endless view of clouds and let the thoughts run wild. You're nothing, remember? You can't expect them to forgive you. Deep down you know Sam never forgave you during those weeks spent in the hospital. You know if Elias knows what really happened in middle school he'd be ashamed to have ever met you. What would happen if him and Austin saw the scars? They'd be scared of you. They'd be disgusted with such a foolish human being.

Suddenly, tears cascaded down my cheeks, and I didn't stop them. I placed my hands over my face, feeling the warmth radiate off of my bruised cheek. I ignored the pain because pain was easier to face than this. It was easier than letting my conscious continue it's loud echo and tell me who I really was.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to vanish, disappear. I could never explain why I felt this way, but it would be easier if people knew the things I let myself believe. Why couldn't anyone accept the fact that I was a mess... that I was broken. It didn't matter who I explained this to. No one got it through their thick skulls that I could never be normal. Sam and Chris couldn't understand, even if they wanted to. But they were the only two who stuck around when I crumbled. They didn't need to understand, they only needed to be there to catch me if I fell.

Broken

I wonder if they know I'm broken on the inside. What they see on the outside is a smile and bright eyes. But none of them have taken a chance to discover the dysfunctional system that lives inside. They're so blinded by my mask, they can't realize I'm already dead inside. Every morning I wake up and twist the invisible key embedded into my hack in hopes my time won't run out during the day. No one has ever asked me if I felt alive, but if they did I'd say I died a long time ago. I've tried finding the cure like the ones in princess movies where the beautiful girl is awaken by a passionate kiss from a handsome prince and they live happily ever after... but I'm no princess. I'm a toy soldier living on emotionless minutes filled with envy and hate. I'm a broken doll that collects dust in the back of the closet. But I can keep pretending. I can pretend that nothing is wrong and continue smiling the way I rehearsed it. I can pretend that I glued the pieces together and pretend I'm still whole. And you... you can continue to ignore that I'm broken.

I let the tears fall and play with the ink, forming long lines of black stains. Brushing away the tears, I placed my notebook to the side and walked toward the edge of the building. I stared out and reminded myself I had a life waiting for me. I had a whole future planned out and if I got there, I'd be okay. I wouldn't be broken anymore because I wouldn't be me anymore. I'd make up a new person and get so into the role that I'd become her. I'll be able to forget this, to forget the accident. And if I met the right person, I'd tell him everything. I'd tell him that I was once broken, but because of him, I was fixed. It was wrong of me to allow a boy to have such an influence on me, but I read too many books. I wanted so badly to believe in the love that was etched into novels. My life was never going to be exactly like those in books, but it made it easier to just pretend. The whole 'prince and princess' scenario is all I can hold onto to make me believe someone out there will love me unconditionally. That someone won't care about who I was and love me for who I am.

"Alex, what the fuck are you doing?!" Elias yelled. Frightened I turned quickly, and lost balance. This was too close to death. Before falling, two hands grabbed my wrists and pulled me to safety. I fell into Elias's chest as he fell onto the ground. My body trembled feeling the adrenaline kick in. I looked up from his chest to meet his brown irises, only an inch away from mine. My heart started to pound against my chest in a way only Elias knew how to make it go crazy. I pushed off of him, wiping the dirt from my dark blue jeans.

"Why did you scare me like that? I could have died!" I growled angrily. Being that close to death was a punch in a gut to remind me that living is much better. Death won't solve everything.

He looked at me confused and stood up, brushing his hands on his worn out jeans.

"I thought you... I thought you were going to jump?" He said unsure. I glared at him, my cheeks heating.

"Who do you think I am!? Why the fuck would I do that!" I yelled hitting him continuously on the chest. I was angry. Not at him, but the world. I was angry at it for letting me get this way. He let me hit him until I grew tired and let my fists fall to my side. I hung my head, breathing lightly.

"Feel better?" He asked quietly. I looked up at him feeling my eyes water again.

"No." I stated flatly and walked passed him back to the wall. I sat and tried to gain control of my temper. Don't lose control around him. Don't let him see you like this. I smiled weakly and watched as he sat beside me.

"I'm sorry," I half smiled. He shook his head in disbelief.

"No you're not. You have no reason to be. I should be the one apologizing. I can't believe I hit you..." He trailed off staring at my cheek. I turned away and gazed at the sky. We've been apologizing a lot to each other lately.

"It was an accident," I whispered drawing circles in the clouds with my eyes. He cupped my bruised cheek and turned my face toward him. I lost myself in his warm, cinnamon irises as he rubbed the bruise softly with his thumb. We sat like this for a long moment, unsure of how to react. I chuckled a bit as I grabbed his hand and slowly pulled it away from my face. He cleared his throat and turned his attention to the cloudy view.

"You know if something is bothering you, you can talk to me," He reassured me. I looked at him trying to figure out if the invitation to do so was sincere. His eyes lit with curiosity. I breathed in deeply, and felt the urge to believe him.

I took a deep breath, and revealed him to the story he already got a glimpse of.

"I have spent the last five years trying to rebuild myself. I was fine until i got to seventh grade. I don't know what it was, but something clicked and shifted in me. I... uh... sort of lost it. My mind, I mean. Nothing was making sense to me, and it could've just been hormones or my first broken heart, but I stopped looking at the world in such an innocent light. I was angry and alone. I hated talking and I just didn't fit in well. These kids didn't see the things I saw. Growing up I knew... I knew I wasn't going to be like everyone else. The teacher's saw it, the other students saw it. At that time, I didn't care. I was okay with being different. I let kids pick fun of me and I cried, but I brushed it off," I smiled, pulling my legs into my chest.

"I had no one to blame for my sudden fall. I just died inside without a reason. All the memories and ideas caught up to me and I cracked," I looked up from my hands to see Elias listening, his eyes staring at me in wonder so I continued, "I cried. A lot. I was pretty unbalanced. My thoughts were just so dark, I couldn't believe they were mine. I started writing because of it. I started trying to find ways to cope with all my craziness. Sam was scared for me and I began pushing her and everyone else away because I was scared. I didn't want them to know me like this. I didn't want them to realize I was a broken record trying to play even though I knew I was out of songs to play. I became so delusioned by my dark side that I let it take over. I bled and cried and did that for eight months. And then I..." I stopped, feeling my lungs beginning to give out. Elias grabbed onto my hand, holding on for life like I did when I was twelve and staring death in the face.

"You what?" Elias asked sitting closer to me. I could feel the tears blur everything. I wanted to be anywhere, anywhere but here. Because if I tell Elias what really happened, he'd look at me differently. I didn't want those compassionate eyes of his to look at me with hate. But he deserved the truth and I needed to stop holding it in. I needed to admit to my sins and hope I'll be forgiven by him and that little girl I still see in my reflection.

"I over-dosed. I became a person made up of lost memories and pills. I can't remember who found me or who drove me to the hospital, but a day later that's where I found myself. Sam and Chris were at my bedside the whole time and I can never thank them enough for that." Elias sat back against the brick wall and gazed at the trees. I sighed, feeling relieved to get that off my chest.

"That's why Chris left me that day," Elias sighed looking down at his hands. I looked at him confused. "The day Chris found out about you was the day of my dad's funeral. He was supposed to come with me, but he got a phone call and ran off. I never forgave him for that..." Elias said playing with the loose fabric on his knee. I thought for a moment and remembered what he was wearing.

"So that's why he was in a suit... I'm sorry Elias, I didn't know," I apologized. Elias smiled, shaking his head.

"Don't. I'm glad he chose you over me. I mean, I had my rough times too, but I never ended up in the hospital. So it's okay. I'm just relieved you're okay," He smiled messing with my hair. I laughed feeling a bit better. "You know if you didn't go through what you went through, you wouldn't have been who you are today. And who you are today is pretty amazing," Elias said half smiling. This was who I needed to hear that from. Not my parents. Not Dr. Rodgers, but Elias. And he finally said it.

"Well you're pretty amazing too, Elias." I winked. He laughed and followed me downstairs to the school hallway.

"Thanks," I said as we walked toward my house. He placed his hands into his pocket and looked at the concrete.

"For what?"

"For listening." I sighed. He put his arm around my shoulders giving me a side hug.

"Anytime, love," He winked playfully. I pushed him away laughing. We walked up to my porch and stood there for a moment.

"Your dad is never going to forgive me is he?" Elias chuckled nervously.

"Mmm maybe. You just have to impress him," I said. He nodded taking in a deep breathe.

"Well I'll see you tomorrow," he said hugging me. He hesitated for a moment, before kissing the bruised skin on my cheek.

"B...bye," I stuttered in shock. I watched him walk away feeling butterflies play in my stomach.

I walked inside to see my parents and brother watching Cake Boss on Netflix.

"Hey honey, Sam called." Mom said still looking at the TV.

"Okay thanks," I said going to my room. I took out my phone and texted Sam that I was sorry and I was feeling better. I placed my phone on the nightstand and grabbed my guitar. I strummed it a little before I found the right song to play. Maybe I needed to stop acting broken and learn to be happy with who I am. Elias is write, I am pretty amazing. I just need to believe it... to believe him.