Chapter 18

Red Roses and Broken Blues

I wonder if anyone knows what it's like to stop breathing...

To lose yourself to the wind and autumn leaves.

To bleed from paper cuts you got from your favorite books.

To be familiar with the echo of shattering hearts.

I wonder if anyone is as good as I am at sewing.

Knowing threads and needles as if the skill were etched into my personality by the universe's hand.

I wonder if anyone is as bad as I am when it comes to cradling a person's soul-

nurturing it with unwanted love and angry bruises.

The only love I could imagine is from fantasy-

The perfect date with a stranger who is willing to take a chance on a walking cookie cutter.

Slicing through skin and bone until nothing is left.

The only thing that will keep us apart is a clothed table set to match perfect persons,

But we will know our hands won't fit.

He'll know that behind my soft laughs and sparkling eyes,

I'm a balancing act waiting to fall into blackness.

He'll laugh at all my lame jokes and feel his heart race for The Girl With The Plastic Smile.

While he laughs- my mind will be elsewhere.

Deep in forests and trampled dirt.

I'll question his every move.

Inside, I'll know he will never understand.

Because I know bruises and scars, battle wounds.

I know unwanted touches, fingers pressed against my thighs like knives piercing my skin.

Once he knows me, he'll think I'm an exaggeration,

But do not tell me my life isn't hard.

Do not compare me to a stranger, because in my world, I exist.

In my world, I have to memorize the unsteady suffocation that is produced by intoxication.

I have to play and replay bad dreams and memories to remind myself that I am more than a stranger.

I am the pitter patter of the rain and the cracks in a broken heart.

My parents tell me I'm wrong-

That these things were fabricated into a blanket to keep me comfort as I slept.

But I already had anxiety as my teddy bear.

I spend my 2 am thoughts on nightmares I'm not sure even happened.

Because maybe they're right.

Maybe I am a compulsive liar seeking the attention of someone who will love me despite my constant spiral into Wonderland.

Because I have fallen in love with the Mad Hatter.

Can you see me?

I've painted white roses red, there goes my head.

I've lost sight of the white rabbit, lost against the Queen to a game of poker.

No one believes me.

They say it's all a bad dream, but I've gone completely bonkers.

The world in my head is turned upside down,

The ground painted indigo with laces of white smoke.

I'm walking on damaged clouds, a drizzle before the hurricane.

You'd think I was insane if I let you into my brain.

I've played this game before.

I know how to win.

Smile and wave. Nod when necessary.

Don't give yourself away.

Let them think you are perfectly normal before you push them away.

Because rejection would only make it worse.

It would only hurt me more,

so I know not to take a chance unless I want to be locked in an asylum for too many shattered pieces.

Pieces that have failed to disguise the madness I try so hard to hide.

That would be the perfect date night.

"Where are you taking me that I have to be blind folded?"

"Just trust me," Austin chuckled. We were headed to our first official date, but he insisted I be blindfolded so I wouldn't catch on to the surprise. Spoiler Alert: I hate surprises. To keep me from having a freak attack, Austin gave me a rubber ball to squeeze. What a gentleman.

"Okay, we're here!" I untied the knot to reveal a bright yellow and purple sign lit up in front of me.

"This was your big surprise?" I threw my head back, laughing.

"Hey, everyone can have fun at Chuck E. Cheese's okay?" Austin said. "It's where a kid can be a kid!"

I hopped out of the truck, and followed him inside to get a hand stamp.

"If you haven't noticed, my personality doesn't scream kid," I mumbled. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the prize section. The place was crowded with at least 2 kid birthday parties and bored parents who were trying to please their kids by taking them to the Happiest Place On Earth (Disneyland is a close second).

"Well get used to it, because mine says I am about nine years old." He rubbed his hands together as he searched the prize section. His eyes were sliced in a seriousness that only a surgeon would have before going in for surgery. After a long stare, he clapped his hands and pointed to a mini electric guitar.

"That's the goal for tonight: get as many tickets to get that prize." I stared at him bewildered, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Alright, kiddo. I'll find us a booth while you buy us a large pizza and tokens," I said. We high-fived before making our way to our stations. After trying not to trample a group of eight year olds, I found an almost clean booth at the end of the party tables. As I made myself comfortable and attempted to clean the grease and crumbs, parents gave me odd stares. I smiled sheepishly and waved. Austin and I were definitely the odd balls in this kids zone.

"Our pizza should be ready in a bit," He said as he slammed a large cup of token between us. "So in the meantime, let's play!" I followed Austin to the skeeball section and watched him as he impatiently tapped his foot. There were a group of kids in front of us that would continue to play even after it was over.

"Why don't we go find another game to play," I offered, but he wouldn't budge.

"But I really want to play this one," He mumbled, crossing his arms. I pinched the bridge of my nose, sighing. He was the kid in this relationship.

I turned toward the group of kids and tapped a small boy on his shoulder. He turned around with a goofy smile planted across his face and chocolate frosting painted around his lips.

"Excuse me sweetheart, would you mind letting my boyfriend have a try?" I asked in a sickly sweet voice I remembered my mom used to use to get me to do my chores.

The kid looked down at his small hands and counted his tokens.

"But I still have five tokens left, which means I have five more turns," He said, justifying himself. This kid did not know the meaning of taking turns. I turned to look at Austin who looked like he was about to explode. I turned back to the kid, feeling defeated by his large blue eyes and dimples.

"Alright five more turns," I mumbled. I grabbed Austin by the arm and pulled him to the air hockey tables.

"That jerk, it was my turn," Austin huffed. I smacked him on the arm, and shook my head in disappointment.

"He's the real kid, Austin," I laughed. "Now let's play some air hockey!" Smiling, Austin put in the tokens.

"Okay, but before we start, let's make a bet." He wiggled his eyes as he pulled out a five dollar bill. I would've declined if it wasn't for my dad's hereditary competitiveness.

"Name your wager, Ryder," I said, looking through my book bag for loose change.

"No need to bet money Santos," Austin smirked, "If you lose, you have to kiss me at the top of the play maze." He pointed up to a vacant space next to the race car. I chewed my lip, trying to figure out an even worse punishment for him.

"Okay, if you lose, you have to sneak into that little kid's birthday party and grab us a slice of cake and take his crown."

Austin gasped, tsking me as he shook his head.

"You're evil... deal," he winked. His hand tightened around his striker and slowly placed the puck in front of him. Before I could defend my goal, he shot it right past me. I was going to lose. Fact.

"Hey, take it easy!" I huffed, taking the puck and slamming it in front of me.

"Awe Miss Santos, don't worry. That kiss will be a victory for both of us."

I gripped my striker with a sweaty hand and pushed the puck with all my force. I wasn't going to lose. Over my abuelita's dead body. May she rest in peace.

Austin and I went back and forth for quite some time until I finally scored.

"Yes! We're tied," I smirked.

"We're literally one to one."

"Whatever, hit the puck Ryder."

A small group of children started to form around us, cheering. Each kid was picking sides of who was going to win. Austin had the hearts of all the little girls and some boys. I had my own small group of betters.

Things were being shouted at me in adolescent voices:

"C'mon lady!"

"Beat him!"

"Stick it to the man!"

"Looks like we're tied Santos," Austin said. A smug smile was resting too comfortably on his face. The kids hushed as they watched us go back and forth. My striker tipped the puck lightly. I watched as it slid towards Austin's striker, but just as he was about to hit it, the puck slid under and fell into the goal.

"I win!" I shouted throwing my hands up into the air. All the kids on my side cheered. His kids looked disappointed.

"You suck." One of them told him. Austin chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. They all gave me a high five before going back to their little worlds of pretend and cake.

"A deal is a deal Santos," Austin shrugged, stuffing his hands into his jean pockets. I skipped towards him, slipping my hands under his arms and pulling him close to me. I stood on my toes and pecked him gently on the lips.

"Good luck," I winked and pushed him towards the kids parties. I went back to our booth and started picking at our now cold pizza. Austin looked at me with the kind of confidence drunk people had before getting on his knees and crawling under the table. My eyes grew wide and my palms started to sweat. He was going to get caught. I was surprised at how smooth he moved under the table for being his height.

Kids were crowding the cake until a person in a Chuck E. costume came out to say happy birthday. Most of them were excited except for two who looked like they were going to piss themselves anytime soon. Austin waited until there were less people at the table before sliding out . His head barely poked over the table. He looked at me for reassurance and I gave him a nod. There were two mothers still sitting at the table talking endlessly. Austin slid his hand on the table and felt around for the plates filled with cake.

As he felt around, one of the moms realized what he was doing and started swatting his hand. Oh, crap. I slid out of the booth and walked over to the situation before she got all ninja on his ass.

"Excuse me, miss. Sorry about my boyfriend. He thought he was being funny," I smiled sweetly, pulling Austin to his feet.

"What? This was your idea!" He said, throwing his hands into the air.

I chuckled, patting his shoulder.

"Sometimes he just doesn't know when to stop messing around. Sorry again," I said. I started pulling Austin back to our table, but not before Austin slid a plate off the table and behind his back. We got back to our table, throwing our heads back in laughter.

"You're the worst Santos, it was totally your idea," He said, grabbing a fork full of chocolate cake.

"Now why would I do that?" I gasped, covering my mouth with the tips of my fingers. "I am the sweetest person after all." I smiled deviously taking the fork from him.

"Sweet my ass," he mumbled taking back his fork.

"So let me ask you a question Santos."

"Shoot."

"What's your perfect date night?"

Not questioning your every move. Or wondering if you're going to figure me out. Not feeling like the weight of the world crushing my shoulders. Not wondering if I'm good enough for you.

"This. This is my perfect date night," I smiled. This was the sort of cheesy night I needed. Me and someone I liked.

"Good. I'm glad you feel that way," He smiled. I watched him eat his pizza. His attention was consumed by the cheesy heaven that melted on his tongue. But that was okay. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want him to know this was my first real date with my first real boyfriend. Because boys never really liked me.

I was a walking tragedy made up of one third comic book facts and two thirds completely bonkers- no matter how hard I tried to hide it. But he didn't have to know all the secrets Elias knew. Austin didn't need to know that the worst parts of me are darkened rooms and broken bones. For him, I wanted to be normal. No extra voices or tampered memories.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah," I smiled, blinking myself out of deep thoughts. He intertwined his fingers with mine and we walked back to his car.

"Why are your hands always cold?" Austin said, rubbing our hands together. He blew gently on my fingertips, lightly brushing his lips against them. Every brush sent my stomach in a frenzy.

"The results of not having enough iron," I chuckled. He smiled against my fingers, and looked at me with his ocean eyes. I wanted him to look at me like this all the time, but the deeper I looked into his irises, the guiltier I felt. Austin was wonderful, but Elias had a terrible habit of tearing through my thoughts like he owned them. I shook his image away and pulled from Austin. I didn't want him to see through my glass eyes and find another boy hiding behind them.

I hopped into the car and turned on the heater to full blast. Nights here were too cold for Spring.

"Do you want me to take you home?" Austin said as he pulled out of the parking lot. I twisted the necklace he gave me in my hand, rubbing the metal pick with my thumb. Shatter Reality With Music. I shattered reality with writing.

"Yes, please." I lied my head against the cool window and watched cars and lights blur into one. Austin placed his hand on my thigh, rubbing small comforting circles with his thumb.

"You okay, Alex?"

Was I? I wasn't sure.

"I don't know," I said. " I just sort of feel out of it."

"Is it something I did?" Austin asked, sounding alarmed. I chuckled, and patted his shoulder.

"No, of course not. Tonight was fun, I just still feel bad..."

"About Elias?" Austin sighed. I looked up at him to see traces of hurt in the creases of his forehead.

"Yeah, I just don't think I handle the situation well," I said, hanging my head low. I knew talking about another boy would make me the worst boyfriend ever.

"He didn't either. He isn't nice to you, Alex," Austin said with a clenched jaw. "You deserve better."

"Elias is not mean to me," I said, turning to look at him. We pulled up to my house and Austin cut the engine.

"Well he isn't good to you either. He treats you like shit," Austin spit back. "He's hurt you so many times..."

"Not on purpose! He sometimes doesn't realize what he's doing," I continued to defend. Elias may not be the greatest person in the world, but I knew he would never intentionally hurt me.

"Really? He talks about you like you're just some trophy. Elias doesn't like you, Alex. He is only out for sex. Nothing else." Austin was fuming. His face was stained red and his knuckles were turning white the tighter he clenched the steering wheel.

"I don't even get why we're arguing about this," I mumbled, crossing my arms.

"You brought it up!" Austin said, tossing his arms up into the air. I could feel tears playing on the brim of my eyes. I turned away from him, hoping he didn't see my quivering lips. I hated being yelled at. I could hear Austin opening and closing his door. I whipped away the evidence, and watched as he opened my door.

"Alex, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you," Austin said, rubbing the back of his neck. He avoided my eyes.

"I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have brought it up," I whispered, looking down at my hands. I felt Austin's warm fingers melt the cold from my fingertips. I looked up at him through glassy irises.

"I care about you, Santos. The last thing I want to do is be the one to hurt you," He whispered. He leaned in and pressed his soft lips onto my chapped ones. His kiss revived the knutz and bolts inside of me that were beginning to break down. He made me feel normal. I liked feeling normal.