Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Edited

Alex's POV

"What happened to your ankle?" Dr. Rodger said, his eyes popping out of its sockets. I shifted in my seat, trying to find a comfortable spot for my sprained ankle.

"I, uh... fell," I laughed staring into my lap.

Dr. Rodger looked at me with curious eyes and clicked his pen. "Well then, let's begin. I heard you've made some new friends."

"Yeah, Elias and his band mates," I half smiled. For the past two weeks, they've made me feel like a part of the family, and not just the awkward girl who could barely speak a word to strangers.

"And how is that going?" His voice seemed distant as if he had no real intention of listening. Like most guidance counselors, he wasn't qualified for this job. He'd been in the running for becoming a math teacher, but his monotone voice would've bored students to death. Like he was doing to me. Right. Now.

"Great," I mumbled.

Throughout the rest of the session, we went through our usual 'Are you feeling better?' and 'Are you causing self-harm again?'. It was as if we were following a script already prepared for us. I just could never remember my lines. I replied with the same 'sure' and 'whatever' because that's all my mind would allow me to say. My walls were built too high to trust anyone, even if it was the same counselor I'd been seeing for the past three years.

I couldn't see the point of redoing the same shit every Tuesday. Nothing changes. It's all the same memories and regrets. He once asked me what it was that I saw when I looked in the mirror. He handed me a small framed glass and asked me to stare hard and tell him what I saw. I told him I saw battle scars. I told him I saw a shameful 12 year old trapped and afraid because she didn't understand. She didn't understand why she saw the world as vicious and cruel. She couldn't understand why at 12 she already met and got comfortable with her demons. She slept with them and fed them her blood with an old pencil sharpener blade. But no words could be laced together to describe the world around her because it wasn't reality. It was an in between place where she couldn't decipher her dreams from reality.

"Okay Miss Santos, I'll see you next Tuesday," he said, closing his notebook.

"Bye Dr. Rodger." I pressed the rubber against my armpits, feeling bruises beginning to form. Ignoring the pain, I hopped out of his office and into the quiet hallway.

"Hey Alex!" I heard a husky voice call behind me. I turned to see Austin leaning coolly against the brick wall with a plastic bag in his hand. Smiling, I clumsily hobbled toward him.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Just coming to see how you were doing," he smiled wide, pointing to his visitor's pass. His pearly whites reflected off the sun reminding me of those cheesy toothpaste commercials. I felt my insides bubble with unnerving warmth.

"Awe thanks!" I gushed. "But I'm okay, seriously."

"Well, I brought you lunch so you can't get rid of me that fast," he winked, waving a Taco Bell bag in my face. I laughed softly to myself and followed him to the lunch tables. I gently lowered myself onto the bench and watched as he unwrapped the food and revealed a plate of nachos. The scent of melted cheese and salsa flowed up to my nose, causing my stomach to growl in hunger.

"Thanks," I smiled taking a bite. I felt the cheese fill my mouth with a heavenly warmth and downed it with an old water bottle I found in my backpack.

"So you don't have class?" he mumbled between bites.

"Not at the moment, no. Tuesday mornings are usually my free time, then I have English, History and then Physics," I smiled. Now that I think about it, I haven't seen Elias since Saturday night. I sighed, feeling the guilt of my clumsiness burn a hole in my stomach. If Elias hadn't been there to break my fall, who knows what would have happened. I could've died.

"You have English with Elias, right?" His voice lowered with every syllable. I nodded taking another bite of the nachos.

"Class should be starting in a bit and I need a head start," I laughed looking down at my crutches.

"Let me help," Austin grinned, holding his out to me. I watched curiously as he made his way around the table and stood behind me. "Let go of your crutches," he whispered into my ear. His hot breath caused a spark to trigger through my nerves, forcing me to drop my crutches and crumble into Austin's arms. He lifted me gently onto his back and grabbed my crutches. I dangled my legs around his waist and wrapped my arms tightly around his chest.

"Thanks," I muttered feeling bad. I was sure I gained an extra ten pounds over summer and the last thing I wanted was someone realizing it.

"Don't worry about it," he chuckled. The bell rang and we made our way to the English building. My body began to heat up as I realized everyone's eyes were glued to us. I dug my face into his neck and waited to be told to get off.

"Hey Austin," I heard Elias's voice coo. I looked up and watched his eyes dance between Austin and I. His smile softened as his deep brown irises settled on mine.

"Hey J, I'm just dropping this little crippled off," Austin chuckled. I gasped, playfully kicking Austin in the ribs. He smiled, letting me fall gently onto my good foot. I held onto Austin's arm, and grabbed my crutches.

"I'm not crippled," I pouted.

"Right," Austin sassed, "I'll see you two later." Shaking my head, I began hopping toward class.

"Do you need help?" Elias asked, walking next to me.

"No, I'm fine," I said, determined to get through the day without anyone else's help. He nodded and dropped his gaze to the concrete floor. As I approached the door, I grabbed the knob and focused all my energy on getting the door opened., but my fingers were like butter and would melt before I could get a solid grasp on the silver turner. I tried a couple more times before a wave of groans sounded behind me. I hadn't realized a crowd of classmates formed into a group of frustrated teens trying to get past the crippled.

"Let me do it," Elias exasperated. He opened the door, waiting for me to enter.

"Thanks," I mumbled. Everyone eyed me as they walked into class. Whatever. Shrugging, I limped towards Charlie and took my new- non-improved- seat. Victoria had settled comfortably in my old chair and my legs were one step closer to becoming paralyzed. So, I decided to let her keep it. Charlie was lying his head down on the desk, disturbing moans leaving escaping his lips.

"Hey Charlie, you okay?" I asked sitting down next to him. He turned to look at me, green in the face. I furrowed my eyebrows and placed my hand lightly on his forehead, feeling his temperature rise each second.

"I don't feel so good," he moaned, clenching his stomach. He began heaving beside the table, causing me to feel nauseous.

"Maybe you should go to the nurses," I said, hoping he'd take his vomit elsewhere. The last time I had any contact with throw up was when I was seven and visited Disneyland. With my luck, I skipped right into it. I fell into the chunky bits and all I remembered was everyone's sorry eyes fixated on me. It was not the greatest experience at the happiest place on earth, but I did get a free pair of Minnie Mouse sweats.

Charlie nodded, grabbed his bag, and stumbled out of the room. Pulling out my English notebook, Mrs. Avoc walked into the room and began writing on the chalkboard. Everyone's voices turned into low murmurs as they watched her write out today's assignment.

"Today we will be revising your poems. Please partner up with someone and begin revision," she announced before taking a seat at her desk. Looking around, I realized I was the only one without a partner. Well this is great. Here I am again, the awkward lame-o. I lowered myself in my seat and began writing my poem.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to write, nor did I know who for. I ran my hand against my forehead, easing the stress creases. Writer's block was the worst feeling known to mankind. It's that eluded moment of not knowing what you want to say, but you have all the words there. I began writing random words in my notebook and waited for some sort of inspiration. I jotted down lyrics from my favorite songs and tried piecing them together to create something entirely different. Sometimes taking someone else's words was easier to use than created your own.

"Do you need a partner?" Elias said, shaking me from my thoughts. I looked up to meet his eyes and then turned to see Victoria chatting with Everett, one of the stupid jocks on the football team.

"Sure."

Victoria and Elias were an odd medley of insanity and sitcom dramas. They fed off each other's flaws and stuck together like toxic. They rarely acted on their interests for each other and rarely played the part of love-sick teenagers. So it was hard for me to grasp the concept that they were actually dating, but hey. That's just me. I'd never been in one, but I was pretty sure you were supposed to be seen with the person you're dating... right?

"Have you started your poem?" I slowly closed my notebook, shaking my head.

"No," I chuckled, "Have you?" He shook his head, pulling out blank music sheets. He ran his hands through his hair and pulled out a pencil that had been placed behind his ear.

"Nope, I'm going to do a song instead."

"Awesome, what song?"

"It's a secret," he insisted, "What is your poem going to be about?"

"It's a secret," I mocked him teasingly. Laughing, he turned to look through his music sheets as if he was holding the universe in his hands. I watched as his face softened and his lips moved as he mouthed the words to the song he was writing. He sat back and lifted his arm to the side. With his left hand, he began to strum against his abdomen as if he were playing the guitar. He smiled to himself as he continued, making my heart skip. Looking away, I focused my thoughts on my poem. I still wasn't sure how I wanted it to start, but I knew what it would be about.

* * * * * * * * *

After class, I hobbled down the hall and to my locker. Beating me to it, Elias stood smugly against my locker.

"Just because you're faster than me, doesn't mean you have to torture me," I stuck my tongue out, opening my locker.

"Why? It's fun," he chuckled, helping me slip my books into the crowded space.

"Thanks," I rolled my eyes, "are you going to band practice?"

Because my brother had baseball practice, I had to stay later for my mom to pick me up. I was probably the only seventeen-year-old in the whole world who didn't know how to drive.

"No, it's canceled since Lexi got the flu," he sighed, shoving his hands into his jean pockets.

"Awe, is she okay?" She must have caught it over the weekend at the lake.

"Yeah, she'll be fine," he waved it off, "What are you going to do?"

"Going up to the roof," I smiled.

"Well, you'll need help up the stairs, so I'll go too," Elias smiled. We walked towards the janitor's closet, looking around to make sure the coast was clear. Silently, we creeped behind the door and closed it gently. The door clicked behind us, leaving Elias and I in darkness, a flickering light being our only source of light. He placed his hands gently on my hips, holding me steady as we eased closer to the stairs.

"Go in front of me," he whispered, "so if you fall, I'll catch you."

I felt my heart skip a beat, his words slugging slowly through my mind. It caused my skin to burn with curiosity as if his words meant something more than just helping me up the stairs. But if I looked too deeply into a bunch of words, I might melt into putty in his hands. "Go slowly," he said, his hand pressed gently to the small of my back. I felt my muscles tense under his touch, but continued inching up the stairs. We were halfway up when the universe thought it'd be funny for me to get into a fight with gravity. I stumbled over my foot, barely catching myself on the steps. Gravity won.

"Owe," I groaned. I could hear Elias taking in sharp breaths, short cackles slyly escaping from between his lips. I turned my head to see him smiling, trying to contain his need to explode over my embarrassing charade..

I shook my head at his frivolous snickers and sat against the railing. "Let it out Rios," I sighed. Without any hesitation, fits of laughter freed itself from his mouth. His chuckling was contagious, causing me to join in on his amusement.

"Why don't you just crawl the rest of the way," he smiled, wiping away a loose tear from underneath his eye. I rose an eyebrow, a devious grin parting my lips.

"Race?"

His face mirrored mine as he positioned himself on the stairs.

"You're on."

Before he could start up the stairs, I quickly crawled and left him in confusion. "Hey! You cheater!" he called out behind me. Giggling, I pushed the door open and crawled out onto the clear roof top.

"Muaha, I win!" I cheered watching him huffing and puffing as he revealed himself at end of the stairs.

"You cheated," he pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Aww, poor baby," I teased sitting up against the brick wall. He slid beside me, handing me my crutches. "Thanks." He slipped out his cigarette box, and began his usual smoke. Since the first time on the roof, I didn't mind him doing it much anymore. It was soothing. I watched his face softened as he pulled the lit cigarette from between his pink brims. A puff of white smoke ran from his mouth like long clouds leaving the spout of a moving train. He seemed so content. In school Elias always looked worried or in a panic, even when he was making a joke. He was a man made of stone being chipped by the people around him and he didn't seem to care. He took beatings from teachers and classmates who praised him up front but loathed him when his back was turned. I wanted to stay by him, but he always seemed so far away.

We sat in silence, him working on his second cigarette and me writing.

"What are you writing?" Elias asked, causing me to jump a little.

"The poem for English," I shrugged, closing it quickly. Before I could hide it, he snatched it and walked away. He threw his burnt cigarette on the floor and walked toward the edge of the roof.

"Hey! That's not fair! I can't walk," I complained. He stuck his tongue out at me and began reading my poem out loud.

"Loving you has become reality's hell. Around you, I'm someone I once knew, not the misunderstood shadow that everyone knows me to be.

Your smile has become the cure to every dark cloud that has suffocated me all these years, keeping me in the past.

But with you, every scar doesn't seem to last.

Pointing out your flaws doesn't seem possible, because everything about you adds up to a simple statement of perfection.

You've become a star in my night sky, but a star too far out of my reach. Separated by the thin line of atmosphere is enough to keep me away.

You light up my night sky brighter than any other, but that's all you'll ever do.

I suddenly feel like this is the terrible romantic tragedy between me and you.

Maybe one day, with all the strength you've given me, I'll be able to float where you are.

Soon, you won't be too far." He finished off. His eyes were wide and unreadable. I could feel my stomach churn and my cheeks heat.

"Er, can I have it back now," I muttered quietly. He sat beside me again, handing me my book.

"You're really talented Alex," he finally said, staring at me. Avoiding eye contact, I pulled the notebook close to my chest. Letting him read my journal was giving him a hint on where to find the real Alexandra Santos. It was a book made into a road map and I'm scared that if he keeps getting glimpses, he might find that big red 'x' over my old-self's grave and realize the blood and anger laced in my pen's ink.

"Thanks..." I trailed off feeling awkward.

"No seriously. You're really talented," He said in awestruck. I smiled, feeling a bit more proud than I should be.

"You really think so?" I smiled looking up at him. He nodded quickly, grinning ear-to-ear. I felt my heart ease, and my insides warm. Someone finally thought I was good enough.

"Aren't you going to major in English or something?" He asked curiously.

"Yep, but double major. I'm majoring in journalism and creative writing."

"Nice. Where are you planning to go for college?" As I was about to tell him my whole college plan, cat caught my tongue. Nothing would escape my lips and my mind was telling me no.

"uh I'm not sure yet," I lied. I didn't know why, but for some reason I couldn't get myself to tell him the truth. Maybe I should wait...

"Oh, same here," He said. I looked down at my watch and saw it was close to five.

"We should go before they lock us up here," I chuckled pulling myself up onto the wall.

"That doesn't sound so bad," he winked helping me up. I rolled my eyes, grabbing my crutches. We walked to the door, and instead of crawling, we slid down the stairs, which was actually very painful. Once we reached the bottom, we quietly glided past the door and into the gloomily lit halls. Silence flooded the atmosphere with crickets brushing their legs together.

"Can I ask you something?" Elias asked nervously.

"Sure," I smiled. He kept silent, his eyes searching me for a warning to stop, but my curiosity got the best of me. So, I smiled.

"Why were you in Dr. Rodger's office this morning?" His question caused a pit in my stomach to burn deep.

"How'd you-"

"I walked past and saw you through the window," He said rubbing the back of his neck. The pit was being dug through. There were claws waiting to rip through my flesh to show him the darkness that lingered within.

"I...uh..."

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me," he tried covering up his mistake. I sighed, shaking my head.

"I just did some stupid things a few years ago, and because it makes my parents feel better about my safety, I go every Tuesday," I summarized. He nodded, understanding it wasn't a topic I liked discussing. In the distance, I heard a car honk. Suspecting it was my mother, I began hopping away.

"See you tomorrow," I smiled. He waved at me then slowly made his way to the bust stop. Sighing guiltily, I opened the car door and settled into the passenger's seat.

"Hi sweetheart. How was your day?" she asked pulling out of the parking lot.

"It was good," I sighed leaning against the window. As we pulled up into the driveway, I hopped to my room, and locked the door. I pulled out my guitar, a million thoughts flying through my mind. I don't get it. First no one seemed to notice me except Sam and Chris, but now, Austin comes to visit me at school and I actually befriended Elias Rios... Only if they really knew the real me.