From Blood and Ash: Chapter 17

The blood had been wiped from Hawke’s face, and his dark hair was damp, curling against his temples and forehead. His broadsword was absent, but the two shorter swords were still attached to his waist. Standing in my chambers with his booted feet braced shoulder-width apart, and the curve of his jaw hard, Hawke reminded me so very much of Theon, the god of Accord and War.

He appeared no less dangerous than he had on the Rise.

And it was clear by the fiery burn of his amber gaze that he wasn’t here to make peace.

He glanced over to where Tawny stood, struck as silent and still as I was. “Your services are no longer needed this evening.”

Tawny’s mouth dropped open.

Snapping out of my stupor, I had a very different reaction. “You don’t have the authority to dismiss her!”

“I don’t?” He raised a dark brow. “As your personal Royal Guard, I have the authority to remove any threats”

“Threats?” Tawny frowned. “I’m not a threat.”

“You pose the threat of making up excuses or lying on behalf of Penellaphe. Just like you said she was asleep when I know for a fact that she was on the Rise,” he countered, and Tawny snapped her mouth shut.

She turned to me. “I have a feeling I’m missing an important piece of information.”

“I didn’t get a chance to tell you,” I explained. “And it wasn’t that important.”

Tawny lifted her brows.

Beside her, Hawke snorted. “I’m sure it was one of the most important things to have happened to you in a long time.”

My eyes narrowed. “You have an over-inflated sense of involvement in my life if you really think that.”

“I think I have a good grasp on just how much of a role I play in your life.”

“Doubtful,” I parroted back.

“I do wonder if you actually believe half the lies you tell.”

Tawny’s gaze snapped back and forth between us.

“I am not lying, thank you very much.”

He smiled, showing off the dimple in his right cheek. “Whatever you need to tell yourself, Princess.”

“Don’t call me that!” I stomped my foot.

Hawke lifted an eyebrow. “Did that make you feel good?”

“Yes! Because the only other option is to kick you.”

“So violent,” he chuckled.

Oh, my gods.

My hands curled into fists. “You shouldn’t be in here.”

“I’m your personal guard,” he replied. “I can be wherever I feel I am needed to keep you safe.”

“And what do you think you need to protect me from in here?” I demanded, looking around. “An unruly bedpost I might stub my toe on? Oh, wait, are you worried I might faint? I know how good you are at handling such emergencies.”

“You do look a little pale,” he replied. “My ability to catch frail, delicate females may come in handy.”

I sucked in a sharp breath.

“But as far as I can determine, other than a random abduction attempt, you, Princess, are the greatest threat to yourself.”

“Well…” Tawny drew the word out, and when I shot her a look that should’ve sent her running from the room, she shrugged. “He kind of has a point there.”

“You’re absolutely no help.”

“Penellaphe and I do need to speak,” he said, his gaze never leaving mine. “I can assure you that she is safe with me, and I’m sure that whatever I’m about to discuss with her, she’ll tell you all about it later.”

Tawny crossed her arms. “Yes, she will, but that’s not nearly as entertaining as witnessing it.”

I sighed. “It’s okay, Tawny. I’ll see you in the morning.”

She stared at me. “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” I confirmed. “I have a feeling that if you don’t leave, he’s just going to stand there and drain precious air from my room—”

“While looking exceptionally handsome,” he added. “You forgot to add that.”

A short, light giggle left Tawny.

I ignored the comment. “And I would like to get some rest before the sun rises.”

Tawny exhaled loudly. “Fine.” She glanced over at Hawke. “Princess.”

“Oh, my gods,” I muttered, a dull ache pulsing behind my eyes.

Hawke watched Tawny, waiting until she had slipped through the adjoining door before saying, “I like her.”

“Good to know,” I said. “What is it you wish to talk about that couldn’t wait until the morning?”

His gaze slid back to me. “You have beautiful hair.”

I blinked. My hair was unbound, and without seeing it, I knew it was a mess of crimped waves. I resisted the urge to touch it. “Is that what you wanted to talk about?”

“Not exactly.” Then his gaze dipped and roamed slowly, starting at my shoulders, moving all the way down to the tips of my toes. His stare was heavy, almost like a touch, and a flush followed in its wake.

It was at that exact moment I remembered that not only was my face uncovered, but I was also wearing only a thin sleeping gown. I knew that with the light of the fire and the oil lamps behind me, very little of the shape of my body was hidden from Hawke. The flush deepened, became headier. I started for the robe lying at the foot of the bed.

Hawke’s lips twisted into a knowing half-smile that sent a bolt of irritation streaking through me.

I stopped, meeting his gaze and holding it. Hawke might not have seen all the shadowy areas visible beneath the flimsy white gown, but he’d done more than just feel a few of them with his hands. There was a tiny part of me that thought about moving my hair to cover the left side of my face, but he’d seen the scars already, and I wasn’t ashamed of them. I utterly refused to allow what the Duke had said about Hawke saying that I was beautiful to have any impact on me. Hiding my face or covering myself was rather pointless, but more importantly, I swore I saw a challenge in his gaze. As if he expected me to do both things.

I would not.

A long, tense moment passed. “Was that all you were wearing under the cloak?”

“That’s none of your concern,” I told him as I held my arms to my sides.

Something flickered across his face, reminding me of the look Vikter often gave me when I bested him, but it was gone too quickly for me to be sure. “Feels like it should be,” he said.

The rasp of his voice caused a wave of goosebumps to break out over my skin. “That sounds like your problem, not mine.”

He stared at me with that strange expression again. The one that made me think he was caught between amusement and curiosity. “You’re…you’re nothing like I expected.”

The way he said that sounded so genuine that some of my irritation eased. “Was it my skill with an arrow or the blade? Or was it the fact that I took you to the ground?”

“Barely took me to the ground,” he corrected. His chin dipped, and his lashes lowered, shielding his odd eyes. “All of those things. But you forgot to add in the Red Pearl. I never expected to find the Maiden there.”

I snorted. “I imagine not.”

His lashes lifted, and there was a wealth of questions in his stare. I didn’t think there’d be any avoiding them this time around.

Suddenly too tired to stand there and argue, I walked over to one of the two chairs by the fire, all too aware of how the sides of my gown parted, revealing nearly the entire length of my leg.

And all too aware of how Hawke tracked every step.

“That was the first time I was in the Red Pearl.” I sat, letting my hands fall to my lap. “And the reason I was on the second floor was because Vikter came in.” I wrinkled my nose as I gave a little shudder. “He would’ve recognized me, mask or not. I went upstairs because a woman told me the room was empty.” I still felt as if she had set me up, but that was neither here nor there at the moment. “I’m not telling you this because I feel like I need to explain myself, I’m just…telling the truth. I didn’t know you were in the room.”

He remained where he stood. “But you knew who I was,” he said, and that wasn’t a question.

“Of course.” I shifted my gaze to the fire. “Your arrival had already stirred up quite a bit of…talk.”

“Flattered,” he murmured.

My lips twitched as I watched the flames curl and ripple over the thick logs of wood. “Why I decided to stay in the room isn’t up for discussion.”

“I know why you stayed in the room,” he said.

“You do?”

“It makes sense now.”

I thought back to that night and remembered what he had said. He’d seemed to sense that I was there to experience, to live. Now that he knew what I was, it would make sense.

But that still wasn’t something I was willing to discuss. “What are you going to do about me being on the Rise?”

He didn’t answer for a long moment, and then he walked to where I sat, his long-legged prowl full of fluid grace. “May I?” He gestured to the empty seat.

I nodded.

Sitting across from me, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his bent knees. “It was Vikter who trained you, wasn’t it?”

My pulse skipped, but I kept my face blank.

“It had to be him. You two are close, and he’s been with you since you arrived in Masadonia.”

“You’ve been asking questions.”

“I’d be stupid not to learn everything I could about the person I’m duty-bound to die to protect.”

He had a very good point there. “I’m not going to answer your question.”

“Because you’re afraid I’ll go to the Duke, even though I didn’t before?”

“You said out on the Rise that you should,” I reminded him. “That it would make your job easier. I’m not going to bring anyone else down with me.”

He inclined his head. “I said I should, not that I would.”

“There’s a difference?”

“You should know there is.” His gaze flickered over my face. “What would His Grace do if I had gone to him?”

My fingers curled inward. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Then why did you say I had no idea what he’d do? You sounded as if you were going to say more but stopped yourself.”

I looked away, staring at the fire. “I wasn’t going to say anything.”

Hawke was quiet for a long moment. “Both you and Tawny reacted strangely to his summons.”

“We weren’t expecting to hear from him.” The lie rolled off my tongue.

There was another pause. “Why were you in your room for almost two days after being summoned by him?”

Sharp, biting pain radiated from where my nails dug into my palms. The flames were dying, flickering softly.

“What did he do to you?” Hawke asked, his voice too soft.

Suffocating shame crept up my throat, tasting acidic. “Why do you even care?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” he asked, and again, he sounded unbelievably sincere.

My head turned before I realized what I was doing. He’d sat back, hands curled around the arms of the wingback chair. “You don’t know me—”

“I bet I know you better than most.”

Heat creeped into my cheeks. “That doesn’t mean you know me, Hawke. Not enough to care.”

“I know you’re not like the other members of the Court.”

“I’m not a member of the Court,” I pointed out.

“You’re the Maiden. You’re viewed as a child of the gods by the commoners. They see you higher than an Ascended, but I know you’re compassionate. That night at the Red Pearl, when we talked about death, you genuinely felt sympathy for any losses I’d experienced. It wasn’t a forced nicety.”

“How do you know?”

“I’m a good judge of people’s words,” he remarked. “You wouldn’t speak out of fear of being discovered until I referred to Tawny as your maid. You defended her at the risk of exposing yourself.” He paused. “And I saw you.”

“Saw what?”

He tipped forward again, lowering his voice. “I saw you during the City Council. You didn’t agree with the Duke and Duchess. I couldn’t see your face, but I could tell you were uncomfortable. You felt bad for that family.”

“So did Tawny.”

“No offense to your friend, but she looked half-asleep throughout most of that. I doubt she even knew what was going on.”

I couldn’t exactly argue that point, but what he had seen was me briefly losing control of my gift. However, that didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t okay with what was happening to the Tulis family.

“And you know how to fight—and fight well. Not only that, you’re obviously brave. There are many men—trained men— who wouldn’t go out on the Rise during a Craven attack if they didn’t have to. The Ascended could’ve gone out there, and they’d have a higher chance of surviving, yet they didn’t. You did.”

I shook my head. “Those things are just traits. They don’t mean you know me well enough to care about what does and doesn’t happen to me.”

His eyes fixed on mine. “Would you care what happens to me?”

“Well, yes.” My brows knitted in a frown. “I would—”

“But you don’t know me.”

I snapped my mouth shut. Dammit.

“You’re a decent person, Princess.” He sat back. “That’s why you care.”

“And you’re not a decent person?”

Hawke lowered his gaze. “I’m many things. Decent is rarely one of them.”

I had no idea how to respond to that little bit of honesty.

“You’re not going to tell me what the Duke did, are you?” He sighed, his back bowing slightly in the chair. “You know, I’ll find out one way or another.”

I almost laughed. I was confident that was one thing no one would ever speak about. “If you think so.”

“I know so,” he replied, and a heartbeat passed. “It’s weird, isn’t it?”

“What is?”

His gaze met mine again, and I felt a hitch in my chest. I couldn’t look away. I felt…ensnared. “How it feels like I’ve known you longer. You feel that, too.”

I wanted to deny it, but he was right, and it was weird. I said none of that because I didn’t want to acknowledge it. Doing so felt like a start down a road I couldn’t travel. Knowing that caused a deep, twisting sensation in my chest, and I didn’t want to acknowledge that either.

Because it felt a lot like disappointment. And didn’t that mean I’d already begun to travel that road? I broke eye contact, my gaze falling to my hands.

“Why were you on the Rise?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Wasn’t it obvious?”

“Your motivation wasn’t. At least, tell me that. Tell me what drove you to go up there to fight them.”

Easing open my fingers, I slipped two of them under the sleeve of my right arm. They skimmed my skin until the tips brushed over two jagged tears. There were others, along my stomach and my thighs.

It would be easy to lie, to come up with any number of reasons, but I wasn’t sure if there was any harm in the truth. Was three instead of two knowing the truth somehow earth-shattering? I didn’t think it was.

“The scar on my face. Do you know how I got it?”

“Your family was attacked by some Craven when you were a child,” he answered. “Vikter…”

“He filled you in?” A faint, tired smile pulled at my lips. “It’s not the only scar.” When he said nothing, I slipped my hand out from under my sleeve. “When I was six, my parents decided to leave the capital for Niel Valley. They wanted a much quieter life, or so I’m told. I don’t remember much from the trip other than my mother and father being incredibly tense throughout the whole thing. Ian and I were young and didn’t know a lot about the Craven, so we weren’t afraid of being out there or stopping at one of the smaller villages—a place I was told later hadn’t seen a Craven attack in decades. There was just a short wall, like most of the smaller towns, and we were staying at the inn only for one night. The place smelled like cinnamon and cloves. I remember that.”

I closed my eyes. “They came at night, in the mist. There was no time once they appeared. My father…he went out onto the street to try and fend them off while my mother hid us, but they came through the door and the windows before she could even step outside.” The memory of my mother’s screams forced my eyes open. I swallowed. “A woman—someone who was staying at the inn—was able to grab Ian and pull him into this hidden room, but I hadn’t wanted to leave my mom and it just…” Dark and disjointed flashes of the night attempted to piece themselves together. Blood on the floor, the walls, running down my mother’s arms. Losing my grip on her slippery hand, and then grabbing hands and snapping teeth. The claws… And then the soul-crushing, fiery pain until, finally, nothing. “I woke up days later, back in the capital. Queen Ileana was by my side. She told me what had happened. That our parents were gone.”

“I’m sorry,” Hawke said, and I nodded. “I truly am. It’s a miracle you survived.”

“The gods protected me. That’s what the Queen told me. That I was Chosen. I came to learn later that it was one of the reasons the Queen had begged my mother and father not to leave the safety of the capital. That…that if the Dark One became aware of the Maiden being unprotected, he’d send the Craven after me. He wanted me dead then, but apparently, he wants me alive now.” I laughed, and it hurt a little.

“What happened to your family is not your fault, and there could be any number of reasons for why they attacked that village.” He dragged a hand through his hair, pushing the now-dry strands back from his forehead. “What else do you remember?”

“No one…no one in that inn knew how to fight. Not my parents, none of the women, or even the men. They all relied on the handful of guards.” I rubbed my fingers together. “If my parents knew how to defend themselves, they could’ve survived. It might’ve been just a small chance, but one nonetheless.”

Understanding flickered across Hawke’s face. “And you want that chance.”

I nodded. “I won’t…I refuse to be helpless.”

“No one should be.”

Blowing out a little breath, I stilled my fingers. “You saw what happened tonight. They reached the top of the Rise. If one makes it over, more will follow. No Rise is impenetrable, and even if it were, mortals come back from outside the Rise cursed. It happens more than people realize. At any moment, that curse could spread in this city. If I’m going down—”

“You’ll go down fighting,” he finished for me.

I nodded.

“Like I said, you’re very brave.”

“I don’t think it’s bravery.” I returned to staring at my hands. “I think it’s…fear.”

“Fear and bravery are often one and the same. It either makes you a warrior or a coward. The only difference is the person it resides inside.”

My gaze lifted to him in stunned silence. It took me a moment to formulate a response. “You sound so many years older than what you appear.”

“Only half of the time,” he said. “You saved lives tonight, Princess.”

I ignored the nickname. “But many died.”

“Too many,” he agreed. “The Craven are a never-ending plague.”

Letting my head rest against the back of the chair, I wiggled my toes toward the fire. “As long as an Atlantian lives, there will be Craven.”

“That is what they say,” he said, and when I glanced back at him, a muscle flexed along his jaw as he stared at the dwindling fire. “You said that more come back from outside the Rise cursed than people realize. How do you know that?”

I opened my mouth. Dammit. How would I know that?

“I’ve heard rumors.”

Shit.

His gaze slid to me. “It’s not spoken about a lot, and when it is, it’s only whispered.”

Unease stirred. “You’re going to need to be more detailed.”

“I’ve heard that the child of the gods has helped those who are cursed,” he said, and I tensed. “That she has aided them, given them death with dignity.”

I didn’t know if I should be relieved that was all he’d heard and that he hadn’t brought up my gift. But the fact that he, someone who hadn’t been in the city all that long, had heard such rumors wasn’t exactly reassuring.

If Vikter found out that Hawke had heard such a thing, he would not be happy. Then again, I doubted if Vikter would allow me to assist him after the last time anyway.

“Who has said such things?” I asked.

“A few of the guards,” he told me, and my stomach sank even further. “I didn’t believe them at first, to be honest.”

I schooled my features. “Well, you should’ve stuck with your initial reaction. They’re mistaken if they think I would commit outright treason against the Crown.”

His gaze flickered over my face. “Didn’t I just tell you that I was a good judge of character?”

“So?”

“So, I know you’re lying,” he replied. I wondered what exactly made him believe that it was me the guards had been talking about. “And I understand why you would. Those men speak of you with such awe that before I even met you, I half expected you to be a child of the gods. They would never report you.”

“That may be the case, but you heard them talking about it. Others could hear them, as well.”

“Perhaps I should be clearer in what I said about hearing rumors. They were actually speaking to me,” he clarified. “Since I too have helped those who are cursed die with dignity. I did so in the capital and do so here, as well.”

My lips parted as my stomach steadied, but my heart flipped and flopped around like a fish out of water.

“Those who come back cursed have already given all for the kingdom. Being treated as anything other than the heroes they are, and being dragged in front of the public to be murdered is the last thing they or their families should have to go through.”

I didn’t know what to say as I stared at him. He was speaking my own thoughts, and I knew there were others out there who believed the same. Obviously. But to know that he was willing to risk high treason to do what was right…

“I’ve kept you up long enough.”

I arched a brow. “That is all you have to say about me being on the Rise?”

“I ask only one thing of you.” He rose, and I prepared for him to tell me to stay away from the Rise. I’d probably tell him I would. Of course, I wouldn’t, and I didn’t think he’d believe me. “The next time you go out, wear better shoes and thicker clothing. Those slippers are likely to be the death of you, and that dress…the death of me.”