In Your Dreams, Holden Rhodes: Chapter 59

“I WAS BORROWING a pair of your socks,” I told him, staring at the ring. My stomach knotted over and over. I chewed a hole in my bottom lip.

There had to be an explanation for this. Please, please let there be a reason why he had that ring.

All my socks were in the laundry. When I had pulled his sock drawer open to find those comfy ski socks he had lent me weeks ago, there it was. A little cream box, sitting in the corner of the drawer.

A wedding ring.

A fucking wedding ring?

I heard the rush of blood in my ears. My gaze lifted to his. His face was drawn and he looked drained. Guilt pinched me in the ribs because I knew he had the day from hell, but I couldn’t go to bed without addressing this with him.

“Okay, hold on a second.” Holden moved to sit beside me on the couch, taking my hands. “It’s not what you think.”

Relief loomed at the edge of my panic. Maybe he was holding onto the ring for someone. It was a gift from Emmett to Avery, or Wyatt to Hannah.

“I know you’re not ready to get married yet,” he said in a low, careful voice.

My eyebrows shot together. “Yet?”

He blinked with confusion. “There’s no pressure, Sadie. You can have as much time as you need. I won’t rush you.”

The ring in his drawer wasn’t a misunderstanding.

“You still want to get married,” I said uselessly, panic ringing in my ears.

He scoffed. “Of course I do, but not before you’re ready.”

Oh god. My stomach was in free-fall. It hit me. All this time, I thought we were on the same page. He knew I couldn’t get married. I glanced at the ring on the table and my stomach knotted again.

“We love each other,” Holden said, rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand in slow strokes. “You’re staying in Queen’s Cove. We’re building a life together. Obviously, we’ll get married one day.”

On instinct, I yanked my hands back and shook my head hard. He had a plan the entire time. He wanted to get married from day one and somehow, I had stupidly forgotten that very important detail. My pulse pounded in my ears and I wrapped my arms around my stomach, dragging air into my tight lungs.

“I don’t want to get married,” I told him, sparing him a glance. He stared at me in confusion. “Ever.”

He let out a laugh of disbelief. “Don’t say that. You don’t know how you’ll feel in a year or two.”

“No,” I insisted, tucking my arms under each other, hugging myself closer. I shook my head at him. “Never. I never want to get married.”

A tiny voice in the back of my head still thought this whole thing was too good to be true, and now I knew why.

He made a noise of frustration in his throat. “We love each other. That’s what people do when they love each other, Sadie.”

My hands shook. “Not always,” I argued. “There’s no law that says people have to get married. Can’t people just live together forever and that be enough? Why does there have to be a legal contract involved?”

His jaw tensed. “Because it means you trust me not to screw you over like Grant did.”

His words took the air out of my lungs. I tried to breathe but a weight landed on my chest. My hands came to my temples and I closed my eyes, thinking.

My mouth went dry. The living room felt too small.

“I don’t understand.” He raked his hand through his hair. “I thought you were over that shit. If we’re happy together, why does it matter?”

Rage pitched in my blood. “Exactly. If we’re happy together, why does it matter if we get married or not?”

“Because it means something, Sadie! It means you’re choosing that person.” His fist clenched. “When are you going to stop punishing me for what that asshole did?”

I stood up to get away from him. “You’re not looking that different from Grant right now.”

“Don’t say his name in our house,” he bit out.

“Your house, Holden. I don’t live here.”

“Yes, you do.” He glared at me. “And we’re getting married. Maybe not soon but one day, we are.”

Every cell in my body wanted out of here.

“You’re being controlling,” I told him, crossing my arms. Misery boiled up in my stomach as I thought about the past couple months. Over the course of this argument, my memories had taken on a new light.

I saw him now. Holden couldn’t give up control in life, in his company, and now in our relationship.

The raincoat. The boots. The treehouse. The coffees and croissants and emerald green tiles.

“This whole time, I thought this—” I gestured between us, “—was real but you were just trying to change my mind about your stupid marriage goal.”

His big flaw I had been wondering about for months? It was right in front of me the whole time.

God. I felt so stupid. How could I miss it?

His face fell. “No, honey, that’s not it.”

I blinked at him. “Don’t call me that.”

The endearment burned me, knowing he hadn’t changed his mind about marriage. They always had an agenda, wasn’t that it? And here I picked the wrong guy, again.

This time, I had no one to blame but myself. It didn’t matter that he loved me.

Now, he stood. “So after all this time, after everything that’s happened between us, you still won’t bend, huh? Is that it?” His eyes flashed with frustration and hurt.

I gritted my teeth. “You’re backing me into a corner.”

He threw his hands up. “Some fucking corner, Sadie. Is this life so bad?” He gestured at the surrounding house. “Me running baths for you and working on the inn together? Making you come every night? Am I such a poor fucking choice that you still won’t commit, even though you want me?”

“It’s not you, Holden—”

“It is that,” he spat back. “I heard what you said to your aunt about me, Sadie.”

My brain paused and I squinted at him, shaking my head. “What are you talking about?”

His chest rose and fell hard as he heaved for air. His eyes locked on mine and hurt flared behind his gaze. “You asked her why anyone would choose me over my brothers.” The fight drained out of him, and now he just looked tired. “And you were right.”

My head swam with confusion. “No, Holden, that’s because you were an asshole to me that summer.”

His shoulders lifted once and he folded his arms over his chest. “You were right, though, weren’t you? I’m offering you everything and you still don’t want it. You don’t want me.”

The muscles in my shoulders strained with tension and I tried to swallow past the knives in my throat. Shaky frustration rattled through my blood and my head pounded with an incoming headache. I dragged in a deep breath and let it out slow as the realization filtered into my mind.

I couldn’t marry him. I couldn’t do it and I wanted someone who would respect that.

Holden wanted marriage more than he wanted me.

My heart strained in my chest at the realization that it wasn’t going to work with us, and I closed my eyes for a brief moment to gather my strength.

In another life, it would work between us, but not in this one. The idea of getting married pulsed at the edge of my consciousness, infected and painful and full of misery, and I never, ever wanted anything to do with it.

“We’ll never agree on this,” I said in a quiet voice.

He stared at me in silence, a frown forming on his handsome face. He realized it, too.

My eyes stung with tears. “We’re both always going to be waiting for the other person to change their mind.”

Behind his gaze, something dimmed. All the light and warmth that had grown over the past three months drained away.

“Yeah.” He stared at the floor with an expression of acceptance and regret.

I bet he wished he never inherited the inn with me.

Pain twisted my heart, and a tear spilled over. I turned away so he wouldn’t see, clearing my throat.

I heard him put his boots on before his footsteps approached.

“I’m going to stay at Emmett’s tonight.” His voice was low. He paused. “Bye, Sadie.”

My heart broke in half. A tiny part of me thought he’d cave. That he’d love me enough to change his mind.

“Bye, Holden,” I whispered. I couldn’t turn around, or I’d change my mind.

I held back a sob, and when the door closed, I buried my face in my hands and let it out.

Holden and I were over, and it was time for me to go home.