In Your Dreams, Holden Rhodes: Chapter 62

“STOP STARING AT THE DILDO,” Olivia said, sliding a beer across the counter to me. “It’s freaking people out.”

I rolled my eyes before settling back into a scowl. “I’m looking at the TV.” I gestured at the dildo still mounted on the wall beside it, covered in bite marks. “Why don’t you move it above the door?”

My head rang with a memory of Sadie suggesting Olivia mount it above the hallway to the washrooms.

“It could be like mistletoe,” she had said, laughing. “Mistle-dildo?”

I let out a snort before the emptiness in my chest rolled back in. Tomorrow was New Year’s Eve. Was she going out with Willa and all their friends? Was she back to living with Willa already?

What did she do for Christmas?

Did she miss me like I missed her?

When the clock hit midnight, would she kiss someone else? Possessive jealousy gripped my chest at the thought of her with anyone else.

A thought crept into my head. Maybe the whole getting married thing didn’t matter. For the thousandth time, I wondered if I made a huge fucking mistake letting her go.

I heard her words again from years ago and flinched. She hadn’t chosen me, and I wasn’t sure if I could ever let that go. It would always loom in the back of my mind.

I folded my arms over my chest and frowned at the hockey highlights, thinking about the way her face lit up when I showed her the treehouse bar. The soft affection on her face as she painted me in the living room that night. The way she fit right into my life, and now that she was gone, I couldn’t forget her.

After a few weeks of her staying in my home, I couldn’t look at a single inch of the place without thinking of her. I dreaded returning home.

“Hey,” Olivia said to someone behind me.

Emmett slid onto the next stool. “How are you, Olivia?”

She shrugged and shot a glance at me. We hadn’t talked about it but I knew she was mad at me for driving Sadie away. I saw it in the sullen way she glanced at me. She didn’t laugh as much as when Sadie was here.

Neither of us did.

“Fine,” she answered him in her usual flat tone. “Beer?”

He nodded. “Yes, please.”

While she poured, he turned to me. “And how are you?”

“Fine.” My gaze stayed on the TV.

Olivia slid his beer across the counter and Emmett tilted his head at the empty space on the wall, where the painting of me crying used to hang.

She jerked her chin in the direction of the backroom. In the back, she mouthed, cutting a glance to me.

Emmett nodded in understanding. “Gotcha.”

She wandered over to a table near the back and Emmett sighed before he drank some of his beer.

“You missed family dinner the other night.”

I made a noise of acknowledgement in my throat, eyes still on the TV. I couldn’t sit there and watch everyone have what I wanted. I didn’t want to be that sulky asshole while they radiated happiness.

“What happened with Sadie?”

I shifted. “We want different things.”

Emmett gave me a go on look.

“She doesn’t want to get married.” It pinched, saying the words out loud for the first time since she left. My throat worked and I dragged a breath in.

“Right. And you do.”

My gaze cut to his, wary. He gave me a rueful smile.

“Come on, buddy,” he said. “Everyone knows your dark secret. You’re a fucking romantic.”

My chest ached. A lot of good it had done me.

“Why do you want to get married so badly?” He sat back, studying me.

My expression was incredulous as I turned to him. “When people love each other, they get married.” I sounded defensive. “Look at you and Avery. Hannah and Wyatt. Mom and Dad.” I rubbed the bridge of my nose. Some of the anger filtered out of me and I deflated. “I wanted her to want me as much as I wanted her.”

Emmett considered this for a second, rubbing his jaw. “If it wasn’t for that stupid plan I cooked up for my campaign, Avery and I might not have gotten married.”

My eyebrows shot together. “What?”

He shrugged. “I would have won her over, eventually. We’d still be partners but I don’t know if we would have done the whole ceremony and marriage certificate and stuff.”

I stared at him. “What are you talking about?”

He grinned. “Holden, I hate to break it to you, but it really is just a piece of paper. It’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. For us, it was never about the signatures on the paper.” His grin softened like he was thinking about Avery. “It’s about waking up every day together, making her dinner and listening to her talk about her day, sitting on the patio and dreaming about our future together. Picnics at the beach. Getting married is what you make of it.”

I sat there, processing his words. He made it sound so simple.

Emmett sighed. “You’re not getting it. She already chose you, asshole.” He huffed in frustration. “Oh my god, you need to control every situation, don’t you? By staying at your place, she chose you. By telling you she loved you, she chose you. By moving her entire life to Queen’s Cove for you, she chose you.”

People glanced over at him as he raised his voice. Emmett didn’t get pissed off often.

My heart slammed in my chest. “If she doesn’t want to marry me, that means she doesn’t trust me.”

He leaned forward with his elbow on the counter. “Look, you’re my brother. I love you and I want you to be happy, and I sure as shit am not going to sit around watching you mope for the rest of your life, so listen closely. You blew it, Holden. You had it and you blew it.” He straightened up, chest heaving and hands on his hips. “I can’t even look at you right now,” he said, pulling out his wallet and dropping a bill on the counter. His beer was half-full.

He tilted his head to meet my gaze. “Put your pride aside, trust her, and make the right decision. Don’t fuck this up.”

He stalked out the door of the bar without another word.

A bad feeling bled into my stomach, like I had made a huge fucking mistake.

She already chose you, asshole.

She was going to walk away from her dream job for me. She was about to tell her best friend she couldn’t live with her, for me. She was ready to start a brand new life here.

For me.

Fuck.

Emmett made it sound simple because it was fucking simple.

You need to control every situation, don’t you?

My stomach churned, because he was right. Control gave me a sense of safety, but it had backfired. By being a stubborn, controlling asshole, I had pushed Sadie away.

With a new perspective, I weighed my options: hold on to my stubborn way of thinking and live a lonely, boring existence without her, or get over myself, beg for her forgiveness, and spend every day with her for the rest of my life?

The answer was so clear. The marriage thing didn’t matter, and I wished I realized that months ago instead of this stupid fucking deal I had made with Sadie, but then I may not have gotten to know her and fallen in love with her.

I had to fix this.

The next morning, I got in my truck to catch the first flight off the island.