33: Tears Were Fresh On Her Cheeks

"Here's to a hopefully good night without Chloe talking to me." Sam sighed before he approached the door and pressed the doorbell.

"I don't want to see her either." Millie huffed beside me.

There were already a ton of cars parked up and down the road, jammed into the driveway like sardines. I could also hear the music just fine from where I was, meaning that it was probably going to be one of those chaotic parties that couldn't be contained. I surprisingly felt like that was better than it being too few people, because then Chloe really might have tried to talk with us.

It took a little while before the door opened, but it wasn't even Chloe who answered. In front of us stood Jocelyn, her hair in two braids tied with pink ribbon. She looked between the four of us as if contemplating what she wanted to say. "Come in, I guess."

After watching Chloe be so rude to Jocelyn outside of the bathrooms not that long ago, I just expected that they weren't really on speaking terms at the moment. Yet there Jocelyn stood, letting us inside with a bland look on her face. At least she didn't tell us we weren't allowed here. But I got the impression that she was unconditionally loyal to Chloe, which seemed kind of sad when I thought about it. No one deserved to be treated that way by someone they were close to, not even someone as unkind as Jocelyn.

"How are you doing, Joss?" Sam asked her. Deep down, I couldn't help but feel a little bit jealous every time he talked to her. I knew it was silly to act like that when there was absolutely nothing going on between them, and Sam explained at length how much he had been crushing on me all this time. Even when they were hooking up there supposedly wasn't any feelings between them.

It was easy to tell myself that, but I wasn't able to control those feelings beyond keeping them to myself.

"We don't have to do this." Jocelyn replied in a monotone voice, sending him a deadly look. "We're done, there's no point pretending to be civil."

We stood in the entrance of the home as people wedged their way past us. The music was just barely at a level where we could hear each other.

"I'm not pretending. I am perfectly civil." He furrowed his brow, hoping that maybe Jocelyn would come around and let some of her problems be heard.

Anyone with eyes could see that she wasn't all that happy. She was constantly having problems with Chloe, and she didn't even seem to like Sam all that much either. Yet she kept her makeup pristine, hair done neatly. It felt performative. I glanced at Millie beside me, and she cast an equally confused look in return.

"Good for you." Was all she said before she pushed her way past us and disappeared into the sea of people.

"What's Joss' problem?" Dennis asked.

"Who knows." Sam sighed.

That was when Dennis shrugged loosely and took a look around the room to try to get a feel for the vibe. Then he grinned dumbly. "I'm going to get drunk!"

"Are you drinking, Sawyer?" Millie looked at me.

I shook my head. I didn't really like to drink, but I especially didn't want to risk making a fool of myself in front of so many people. What if I made a move on Sam in a place like this? It was better to play it safe and not embolden myself. "I'm staying sober."

"Alright." She nodded. "I'm going to follow Dennis to the drinks then."

"Be careful." Sam warned them. "Don't do anything too stupid."

Dennis waved him off. "When have I ever?"

"I'll be fine." Millie agreed. I wasn't too sure about that, because she was always a lot to handle whenever she was drunk.

Then they were both gone in a flash, searching for the alcohol like moths to a flame. That just left me with Sam, who sent me an assuring smile as he looked towards the chaos. "Let's see what we're dealing with."

I followed his lead and we both entered the fray. Chloe's house was large enough for it to not be as crowded as Freddy's place. The main lights were on, which also made it easy to see what was happening. However, the sheer amount of people was definitely still daunting and a little bit bewildering.

"Are these people all students?" I glanced at Sam as we walked around together.

"I recognize a lot of them." He shrugged. "Some probably go to nearby schools as well. Chloe has ties all over."

The idea of knowing this many people seemed impossible, and she likely didn't actually know all of them. But the fact that she knew enough to even stretch this far was shocking. This was why I could never be popular. I was already overwhelmed by simply being around Sam & Co. The last thing I would ever want is to treat everyday like an opportunity to network. If Sam and I ever came out, I wondered if it would cause me to have to talk to more people since he was so popular. I hoped not.

After circling around the main areas of the house, we ended up back in the living room. This was where the focus of the party definitely was, and it was where we found Dennis and Millie again. Millie was talking to a familiar girl. After looking at her for a minute, I realized it was Sydney. They seemed to be actually enjoying themselves, which was good. Sydney had a solid reputation for being kind, so I was glad that Millie was bonding with her.

Dennis was flirting with some girl I didn't know, beer in hand. I could always tell that he was going to get shitfaced and act like an idiot. How was he able to sleep around like that? Even having sex with my boyfriend who I truly loved was embarrassing. Maybe he was able to do that because he didn't really feel shame. Must have been nice.

Sam and I stood off to the side chatting for a little while, until someone got our attention.

"Hey, Sam! Hey, Sawyer!" An easily recognizable voice approached us. We both turned to see Caden skipping our way. As if the world wouldn't turn with them separated, Brian was only a few steps behind him.

"Hey, Cade." Sam smiled at him. "What's your plans for the night?"

"Getting drunk and dancing my heart out." He answered obediently, putting his hand above his eyes and surveying the crowd.

"Millie would gladly dance with you." I told him, since she was pretty similar to him in a lot of ways. It made sense that she enjoyed his personality so much, and I would feel better if she was with someone I somewhat trusted when I wasn't around.

"Ooh!" His interest peaked at my words. "Where is she?"

"She's over there with Sydney."

Now he seemed even more happy than he was before, which was difficult to top. That boy was stuck in a perpetual state of excessive happiness. What was he like when he was all alone? I couldn't fathom.

Caden looked at Brian. "I'm going to go over to them."

Brian just nodded in acknowledgment, and that was when Caden made his way through the crowd until he reached the two girls. He hugged Sydney as they exchanged greetings, the three of them quickly falling into a comfortable conversation. Sydney even handed him the beer she had.

"What about you?" Sam asked Brian, looking at his friend thoughtfully.

Brian was still looking at Caden when he asked it, his lips pursed. "Make sure Cade doesn't get too drunk."

"You can hang out with us." Sam offered. "We're not drinking either."

"It's alright." He finally tore his gaze away to glance between the two of us.

"I don't want to go far. Someone also needs to watch after Millie." I said to Sam.

"I can keep an eye on both of them." Brian replied.

For some reason I didn't really expect him to suggest that. It wasn't because Brian seemed like a bad guy or anything, he was just always so quiet that this was some of the most words I had ever heard him say. Overall, I felt like there was this great distance between me and Brian that would probably never be traversed. This felt like the most personable he had ever been.

It took me a second to answer. "Thanks, I appreciate that."

"No worries." He quietly replied. I almost didn't hear him over the music.

"If she gets to be too much, come find me."

Brian just nodded.

After that Sam and I ended up finding a slightly less crowded spot near the back of the room. We sat on the floor with our backs against the wall, and we talked for who knows how long. It was easy to get lost when I was with him. Sometimes people came up to us to talk. These people were usually acquaintances of Sam's, or even friends. Members of the football team. People who had classes with him. We also never saw Chloe.

Sometimes we got questions about why we were suddenly hanging out all of the time. People probably spread all sorts of rumors about us, and I didn't even want to know what they could possibly be. It was entirely possible that the truth would be significantly more shocking than whatever people conjured up.

There were a few times that Millie or Dennis found their way over to us. Dennis stumbled and narrowly escaped falling onto Sam, throwing his arm around him with the most ridiculous grin spread across his face. Millie wasn't doing much better, head in the clouds as she danced with literally anyone willing to give her time. It was mostly people who were equally as drunk, since none of them had the discretion to care about strangers.

At some point I needed to use the bathroom, so I told Sam I'd be right back. He explained that there were two bathrooms, one down the hall, and one upstairs. Then he wished me luck. I just rolled my eyes and began the journey.

I say journey, because the downstairs bathroom had a line forming. At first I was just going to wait, but I had to piss pretty bad. So I decided it was better to at least see what the upstairs bathroom was looking like.

At the top of the stairs, I quickly realized that there wasn't a lot of activity up here comparatively. Some people were talking in the hallway, but it wasn't half as crowded and the music was a lot quieter. There also wasn't a line to the bathroom, so I only had to wait a few minutes before a drunk girl came wobbling out with a giggle. I used the bathroom, washed my hands, and then went to find my way back to Sam.

Yet I didn't get very far before I heard someone sobbing as I walked past a cracked open door. It was open just enough for the broken sobs to pour out, and I hesitated. I wasn't exactly the nicest person, so I wouldn't say that I was good at comforting someone who might need it. But I still paused anyway, because what if that person needed help?

I looked down the hallway. The other people up here were all further down, closer to the stairs. They weren't even glancing my way, entirely engrossed in whatever they were laughing about.

Those cries sounded frantic and heavy. After debating what to do for a few more seconds, I decided to start by knocking on the door.

The sobs quieted down the moment I did so, and there didn't seem to be any response.

Now I was too far in to simply walk away. "Is everything alright in there?"

"Go away." The voice was so thick with tears that I really couldn't tell whether or not I knew who it belonged to. But it was definitely a girl.

"Do you want me to get a friend or something?" I tried again.

A moment passed and I was just about to give up and leave, when suddenly the door opened a bit more. The last person I expected to see was stood on the other side, her mascara running down her face and her hair messy.

Jocelyn looked at me with an empty gaze. Tears were fresh on her cheeks, reddening her eyes. It was a far cry from the girl who opened the door for us only a few hours before. I couldn't keep from staring at her in disbelief.

"I can't believe it's fucking you." Her tone was malicious, and her lip quivered with anger and hopelessness.

"To be honest, I feel the same." I said slowly, not really sure what the hell else I was supposed to say. Jocelyn and I didn't like each other, so I didn't know what to do now that I found her crying alone.

Jocelyn carefully peeked her head out of the door to look down the hall. When no one noticed her, she pulled her head back in and stared at me. My skin was crawling under her scrutinizing gaze. I thought about just simply leaving, but that seemed too cruel.

"Do you want me to find Chloe?" I decided to say something else before I got angry at the way she was looking at me. Only after I spoke did I realize that Chloe was likely half the reason Jocelyn was crying.

At my question, she simply turned around and went back into the room. She, for whatever reason, didn't close the door behind her. This gave me two options. Either I walked away now and went the rest of my life not knowing what would happen if I tried to be patient, or I followed her into the room and tried to comfort my boyfriend's ex-friends-with-benefits-situationship.

I let out a long sigh and entered the room.

It was pretty dark in there, nothing but a set of pink fairly lights dimly illuminating the space. After adjusting to the dark, I realized it was a bedroom. In the center of the room was a large bed with a thick pink quilt on top and an absurd amount of stuffed animals surrounding it. There was a white canopy framing it, the fairy lights wrapped around. The walls had minimal decor. A simple artwork of a cat, one with a painting of a sunset. There was a bulletin board filled with Polaroids and Photo Booth strips. A vanity covered in neatly organized makeup.

This must have been Chloe's room.

On the bed in her disheveled state was Jocelyn. She had her knees to her chest, and her angry eyes focused on me. I closed the door behind me just to make sure no one would bother us.

Then it was quiet, nothing but the distant music causing the floor to vibrate.

"Would you rather me get Sam?" I asked even though it made me uncomfortable.

Jocelyn was like a wild cat. The same ferocity and intensity as one, with the presence of a killer. Which also meant that she seemed like a wounded animal as she curled in on herself but kept those perceptive eyes only on me. It made me feel more like prey than a person just trying to go against my better judgement and offer some help.

"Fuck Sam." She hissed, finally looking to the side as she wiped her face with the back of her hand. That only smeared her makeup more.

"Are you crying because Sam doesn't want to hook up anymore?" I was confused.

"You're such a fucking moron." She scoffed, moving to untie the ribbons on her braids. "I don't understand why she likes you."

Now I was more perplexed. Who liked me? "What? Who are you talking about?"

She let out a humorless laugh as her tilted her head. She looked exhausted. "Chloe. Obviously."

Oh, right. Her best friend supposedly thought I was really attractive. "She doesn't actually like me, though. She just wants to hook up."

Jocelyn gave me a strange look. "No, Chloe actually likes you. She thinks you're really hot, and she likes the way you talk."

That was astonishing. What would Chloe even know about me to warrant having a real crush on me? I was under the impression that she simply wanted to have sex or something. And she was the last sort of person I would ever want to be with. I liked good-natured and generally positive people, not someone who treated their best friend like trash.

"Oh." Was all I said, sounding just as disturbed as I felt.

Jocelyn gazed forlornly at the pictures on the wall across from her. "So you don't like her back?"

Even though it was inappropriate, I laughed. "No! No offense, but I think Chloe is an awful person. Like a stereotypical level of evil from her archetype."

Hearing me say that, Jocelyn seemed to relax a little. Like it was somehow relieving to hear me say that.

Maybe that was why I felt comfortable enough to sit on the bed as well. I made sure to keep plenty of distance between us, but I also turned my gaze to those pictures. "What's the issue with you guys? She treats you like shit."

"What would you know?"

"I know what I've seen. And whether or not you want to admit it, she's been a terrible friend."

I glanced at Jocelyn to see what expression she now had, only to find her eyes welling with fresh tears. Caught off guard, I quickly backtracked.

"I mean, that's just what it seems like. But I don't know much as an outsider." Something about a gorgeous girl who was usually so headstrong suddenly breaking down was really freaking me out.

"You're fucking right." She soon began sobbing again. "She fucking hates me."

I had never been so out of my depth before, feeling a little like I should not have intruded at all. I carefully chose my words. "So why do you keep coming back?"

Her reply was rushed and frustrated, bitter and broken. "Because I'm so deeply fucking in love with her."

A minute passed as I just stared at her, contemplating whether or not I heard her correctly.

During this time Jocelyn had her face buried in her hands and those helpless cries couldn't be quenched. Her shoulders shook as she heaved in air, and the pure misery leaving her lungs was rolling off in waves. I was choking it down from where I sat, not knowing what to do with this new information.

Slowly, I said, "You're in love with Chloe."

Something about what I said caused her mood to shift from anguish to amusement. She suddenly began to laugh hysterically, like what I just said was the funniest joke she had ever heard. Now I was kind of scared.

She fell back on the bed in a fit of giggles, but an occasional sob mixed in. It seemed like she was having some sort of mental break, and I was worried that she was becoming inconsolable.

"Jocelyn, it's okay if you're in love with her. There's nothing wrong with that." I tried to get her to calm down.

It took a while before her laughter hushed and she was staring at the ceiling with such despondence in her gaze it left me with whiplash. "There's so much wrong with it."

Her voice was almost a whisper when she spoke.

I frowned. "No, there's not... well I mean there is a problem with specifically liking Chloe, but there's nothing wrong with liking a girl."

The last thing I expected was for Jocelyn to harbor these feelings towards Chloe. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to make sense. Sam did say that Jocelyn didn't seem to actually like him all that much, and she never really showed any affection towards him in private. Like it was all one big charade. My stomach turned uneasily as I suddenly understood something. When Sam told her they were done, it removed her one thread of cover. With that gone, she was left to desperately seek a new hiding place.

This must have been what was causing such strain between her and Chloe. Pretending that you felt nothing towards the person you spent so much time with must have been practically impossible. Maybe Chloe was picking up on it.

"I don't want to be... like this." She said it like it was disgusting.

All this did was remind me of how difficult things might be after coming out. Watching someone who was on the queer spectrum struggle to find acceptance within herself was painful. There was too much hatred in this world.

"That's so stupid." I rolled my eyes before I could help myself.

Immediately her pissed off gaze found mine. "Easy for you to say, jackass."

"Yeah, easy for me to say. You could have a crush on literally any other girl and you'd be fine, it's not my fault you happened to choose Chloe." I told her. "You are so pretty, all you have to do is bat your eyelashes at the first queer girl you see and she'll drop everything for you."

"You're such a dick. You act like you know anything at all, but you don't. My mom is going to hate me, my best friend already thinks I'm gross. Telling her will only make it worse. My life will be a living hell if I dare go for any girl regardless if it's Chloe."

"Then drop Chloe and find some new friends who aren't assholes." I truly didn't think Millie would care about the fact that I was dating a boy, I only thought that she would find it a little odd that the boy was Sam. And his friends would probably feel similarly about me. It would hurt if they suddenly didn't want to be around us anymore, but there would be other places for us to go. That was the whole point of calling LGBTQ+ a community.

Jocelyn let out a shaky breath. "I can't."

"You're already friends with Sam. Why not hang out with us? None of us would care if you're a lesbian."

Her dark eyes found mine, and the fairy lights caused them to glow. "How can you say that when you don't even know?"

"Fine, how about I share a secret with you?" My heart beat faster as I talked, and I felt anxious. This was the first time I was ever actually deliberately telling someone about Sam and me. The fact that Jocelyn happened to be the first was jarring, but it felt right. Why would she tell someone when I had just as much ammunition on her?

She scowled, but didn't tell me not to.

"Sam and I have been dating for a while." I said while nervously playing with the drawstring on my hoodie.

Jocelyn blinked slowly. Then her scowl deepened. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope. I'm telling the truth. So no, neither of us give a shit if you're a lesbian."

Finally she sat up again and studied those pictures across the room one more time. "Of fucking course you guys are. No wonder Sam's always been so obsessed with you. No wonder he was willing to put up with me."

I didn't really want to know the details of their past relationship, but I was feeling significantly less jealous over their old hookups now that I knew Jocelyn was a lesbian. At least I didn't have to worry about her harboring any real feelings towards Sam.

"We haven't really told anyone yet, but that's for some other reason." I explained. "But I think maybe you should give it some thought. More people will accept you than you think."

"What does it matter if I just want her?"

"Unfortunately I can't help with that. Some people might just be lost causes." I admitted. It would have been nice to tell her that Chloe could like her back, or that she might be accepting. But neither of those things appeared to be true. There was going to be people in life who didn't accept people like us, and there wasn't much we could do other than keep living. And I would be a complete liar to say that it didn't scare me as well.

"Why did you tell me about you two?" She asked.

"Because it sucks being in the closet." I sighed. "And I think you should know that you're not the only one in there."

She was silent for a while, clearly lost in her thoughts as she simply gazed at nothing. Who knew what she could have been thinking about. I wasn't going to ask. Jocelyn was no longer crying, and she seemed a lot more calm than before. Sometimes people just needed to be nudged in the right direction.

"I've been gone for a while, Sam's probably worried about me." I stood up. "See you around, Jocelyn."

"See you." She replied softly.

I navigated back through the house until I found myself once more in the noisy and packed living room. Sam was no longer sitting in the corner we claimed, instead talking to someone close to the doorway. As soon as she saw me, he dropped the conversation and came up to me.

"There you are, sugar. I was starting to wonder if you somehow got lost." He looked visibly more relaxed as he stood beside me, I looked at him for a moment before replying.

While I could relate to Jocelyn on the grounds of being closeted, I didn't know what it was like for my feelings to be unrequited. A selfish voice inside of me was ecstatic at that, happy to know that out of everything in my life, at least it had become easy to love Sam. And at least he found it easy to love me.

"Don't worry, I'm right here."

•O•O•

I love Jocelyn's character so much.

There are 36 chapters in total, plus an epilogue. Expect the final few to be posted weekly, likely Saturday or Sunday. Thank you! <3