31. Wonder

Sky.

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I watch Rose crawl around on the floor. It shouldn't be long before she starts walking now. We've been trying to get her to say 'dad' but so far no luck. She's growing up so fast, it's a bit overwhelming. I kind of don't want her to grow up. Soon she'll be a kid and then she'll be a teenager. Oh God. How am I gonna deal with that? If she'll be anything like me or Loren as a teenager those years will be the worst of my life. I wonder if I'll be a good dad to her. I wonder if she'll feel she can trust me. I wonder if she'll tell me things. I feel bad for Steven. Chase doesn't tell him anything and that must be terrifying. How can you help someone when you don't know what the problem is?

Chase is getting released from the hospital today. It's been ten days since he got admitted.

He said he wants to tell his parents himself. So far he hasn't. I'm going by for a visit later. I'm constantly on edge and worried about him. I know he didn't try to kill himself but that doesn't take away from the fact that he could've died. The way he deals with things is so dangerous and it scares me.

Rose makes her way to me, a big smile on her face. She's always happy.

I can't help but smile back.

"Hey Rose!" I pick her up and hold her in my arms.

"Da!" She exclaims.

I lift her away from me.

"What did you just say?!" I ask in disbelief.

"Da-da!" She laughs.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"ARON!" I yell.

He comes running into the living room.

"What's going on?" He looks super worried.

"She started talking! She started talking!"

"No way!" Aron grabs his phone and begins filming.

"Come on, say it again. Say 'da-da'"

"Da!" She squeals.

I look up at Aron. He's just as impressed as I am.

"I can't believe she's talking." Aron says. "I wonder what she'll call me.."

Aron joins my side and wraps his arm around me.

Rose smiles at us. She seems very proud.

"You are so smart." I kiss her head.

She starts to laugh.

Then she gets back on the floor to play with her toys.

"You look scared." Aron says quietly.

"She's growing up too fast. It scares the shit out of me."

"Why?"

"Because, every year there'll be more things to think about. More things to worry about. What about when she goes to school? I'm expected to just leave her with a total stranger? Maybe we should home school her."

Aron laughs. "Sky, you gotta have some faith in people. You can't keep her locked up here forever.."

"Why not?"

Aron gives me a look.

I sigh.

He kisses my forehead.

"Maybe we should start by letting her meet people her age. Like play dates or whatever. You can get used to people and other parents and maybe you won't feel like everyone's this terrible monster anymore."

I lean against the couch. "I don't wanna meet new people.." I whine.

Aron laughs. "Do you want Rose to be well-adjusted or not?"

"No." I pout.

Aron smiles at me and kisses my cheek. "I'll look into it tonight."

× × ×

I ring the bell of the white mansion. It doesn't take long before Steven opens the door. He's staying here, with Chase's mom for the time being. Taking care of Chase and stuff. He looks exhausted.

"Sky," He smiles. "Come in." He steps aside.

As I walk inside I can't look away from him. He looks like he's about to break.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

Steven looks away for a moment. He takes a shaky breath. "Chase told me. About what happened with him.." He shakes his head. "I just— I don't know what to do anymore. I.. Dammit I should've known!'

"How could you have known?" I grab his arm.

He shrugs. "He was different. He wasn't like his usual self.. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to help him. He says he doesn't want to go to therapy anymore.." He shakes his head.

He looks so desperate and hopeless.

"I'll talk to him."

"That's not your job. You're not his father, I am. Why does he always tell you everything first? And sometimes the way you guys.." He looks into my eyes. Searching for answers to his questions.

"I'm his friend, right?"

He looks down at the floor. "Yes. You're right. I'm being silly. Chase is upstairs in his room."

I lean and give Steven a hug. He takes a deep breath.

"It'll all be alright." I caress his back.

"Thank you, Sky. You're an angel."

He pulls away and walks into the living room.

I say hi to Loren and her mom before going up the stairs. I think I should wait to tell them about Rose talking. Now is not the right time.

Chase's room has a huge 'keep out' poster on the door. I can hear rock music blasting from inside.

I knock on the door. No response.

I go inside.

He's lying on his bed in the dark. His eyes closed and head banging to the beat. I chuckle.

It looks surprisingly cozy for a dark den. There are blue lights all around the ceiling. I close the door behind me and jump on the bed.

"Aah!" Chase jumps up from his trance.

I start to laugh.

"Sky!" He complains.

"I did knock!"

Chase holds his hand to his chest. "You scared the shit out of me!" He turns down the music.

"You shouldn't play music so loud, you'll go deaf."

"You can't play rock softly. Jeez."

"So I've heard." I chuckle.

I lay down next to him.

"So what are we listening to?"

"Oh this? This is a classic. 'I'm not okay' by My Chemical Romance."

Chase studies my face carefully as I listen to the song. It's super emotional. Kinda dramatic. Not bad. It's better then the shit my dad was blasting in the car.

"And?" He asks.

"Not bad."

"I knew you'd like it."

Not what I said but anyway.

"Your dad said you told him." I say when the next song starts to play.

Chase nods. "He cried. So did Loren. Mom wouldn't even look at me. She's basically avoiding me now."

"She'll come around."

"I don't know. She can't believe I went to meet a guy online. Emphasis on the guy part." Chase sighs.

"They made me tell the police. It was so embarrassing. I had to tell them every little detail and the worst part is that they probably won't even find him. He probably used a fake name and his number's been disconnected."

I feel really bad for him. One of the reasons I didn't report Neil was because I didn't want to go through all those memories again. I didn't want anyone to scrutinize my every move. If I said one thing wrong they might think I'm lying. After all, there was no proof. On top of that those lawsuits take forever and I just wanted to move on.

"I'm sorry, Chase." I rub his shoulder.

"Is it bad that I'd be kind of glad if they didn't find him? I don't want to see him ever again. Let's say we went to court, I couldn't look him in the eye and talk about all those things in front of a jury.."

I nod.

Chase stares up at the ceiling. "I just wonder when it's gonna stop hurting so much. When I'll finally feel like myself again because right now it just feel like my soul was ripped out of me. My body's still moving around aimlessly.." He sighs again, looks away. "That doesn't make any sense." He chuckles.

"No, I get what you mean. You believe you're alive because everyone says you are but everything is just this vague haze where nothing matters.. And then other times.. it's the complete opposite. Like you're burning but everyone else tells you you're fine cause they can't see it. It's like you're just a shell of who you used to be."

"Exactly." Chase's eyes meet mine. He studies my face. His eyes light up in understanding.

He pulls away. "No, Sky.."

I sit up, avoiding eye contact.

"No.." He says breathlessly.

"It happened a long time ago."

He's frozen in shock. "How? When?"

"Uh.." I twist my ring around my finger. "When I was a kid. Like seven.. until I was twelve." It surprises me how much easier it is to talk about it now. I never thought I'd tell Chase about this.

I watch his face. A tear streams down his cheek. "Why? Why would anyone do that?" He's so hurt.

"That's what I tried to figure out. I still don't understand."

He looks into my eyes. "I'm so sorry, Sky." More tears roll down his cheek.

"Don't cry. I'm okay now." I chuckle. I wipe away his tears.

"Sorry." He sniffles and blows his nose.

"I just want you to know I get what you're going through. And I'm always here." I make sure to look him in the eyes as I say this.

He smiles and falls into my arms. We embrace each other tightly.

"Chase, door!" Steven walks into the room.

"What did I tell you about closing the door—" He stops talking upon seeing us hug.

I pull away.

"I'm here with Sky! It's not like I'm gonna slit my wrists while he's here..!" Chase grumbles.

Steven looks away in pain.

Chase sighs. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"Just keep it open, okay?" Steven says after a while before walking away.

"You know he's just worried, right?" I say.

Chase sighs. "I know. He just pisses me off sometimes."

I lean against the headboard of the bed. We listen to the music. The current song just went from loud and rough to a soft breakdown.

"My body breathes, heart still beats but I am not alive.."

We look at each other cause the lyrics are so perfectly describing what we just talked about.

"Sky?" Chase asks.

"Yeah?"

He takes a deep breath.

Then he looks at the open door behind me. He crawls over the bed and closes the door.

I chuckle.

His eyes look cautious and kind of guilty.

"You know how you said that talking about things makes them better?"

I nod.

"Maybe.." He sighs. Then frowns. "Forget it."

"Tell me, I can take it."

He nods. "I never told anyone.. about what happened.. with us." His eyes meet mine.

"Because you didn't want me to. And then Loren had her baby and mom would hate me and everything but.. It really eats me up inside, lying all this time. Especially to Loren. She's my sister. She deserves to know. But I know things are finally good for you now and I don't want to ruin it—"

"Don't think about me. All I want is for you to be okay. If you think you need to tell them then I want you to do that. I should never have told you to keep your mouth shut. I guess I didn't realize how hard it must be for you to lie to your sister. I was selfish. I'm sorry."

Chase smiles a little. "I didn't think you would respond this way."

"You thought I would scream at you?"

"Kinda."

"You underestimate me."

Chase chuckles.

"How about we tell them tomorrow? We can do it together."

Chase nods. "I'd love that. Thanks, Sky."

"'Course." We hug again. We hug ALOT. When did I turn into a hugger? I think Steven's corrupting me.

I try to pull away. "Alright, I gotta go. Aron's watching Rose and he has to study."

"No! Don't go yet!" Chase clings onto me.

"I'll be back tomorrow!" I laugh.

"I can't wait that long!" Chase whines. "You can stay over!"

"What about Rose?"

"She can come too! And Aron too!"

"That's not a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Because you need your rest!" I struggle out of his grasp.

"I'll be back tomorrow."

Chase sighs and falls down on the bed.

"Alright. Hurry." He groans.

"I'll be back in the morning."

Chase nods.

I go to the door. "Good night."

He yawns. "'Night."

I smile and walk out of the room.