55. Anxious

Chase.

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I stare out of the window as the rain falls from the sky. It's a super rainy day today and I'm spending it with Anthony.

It's two days before Aron and Sky's party. I'm fucking nervous. Sky and I talked it all out and we're cool now and everything but that doesn't change the fact that everything has to be perfect and both Aron and Sky need to like Ant. I want to be able to be together with the four of us and like hangout, you know? Maybe even do some of that cheesy couple stuff that I hate. Loren would bring Charlie (they got back together now that she's back in LA fulltime).. it would be a tripple date. But that all falls to pieces if Sky doesn't like Anthony.

But why wouldn't he like him? What's not to like?

I look around Ant's bright colored room and the blood pulls away from my face. Sky hates flashy people. He literally rolls his eyes every time we watch a show with anyone like this in it. Then he puts his feet up on the couch and starts writing music in his head (you can tell by watching his head sway back and forth). There's no way in hell that he'll like Anthony. I mean, sure, he likes Loren and she's flashy but she's the mother of his child, he can't hate her. And yes, his friend Harold is pretty obnoxious too but at least he doesn't wear glitter as a T-shirt!

I feel anxious. I feel seriously anxious. I take a few deep breaths.

"What's your deal?" Anthony asks when he enters the room, a plate of cookies and two glasses of milk in hands.

"How are you carrying all that in two hands?"

"I used to be a waiter."

"Why am I not surprised?"

I lean in and kiss his cheek.

"So what's up?"

"You have to meet my friends. They're throwing a party and I want you to come with me."

"Oh, I finally get to meet the highly accredited Aron and Sky. Can't wait. Sky is the model on your desk, right?"

"Not a model." I put a cookie into my mouth.

"He might as well be. Ooh, and I'll finally get a chance to meet your sister! Now I'm nervous."

"Are you only dating me to play dress up with her?" I joke.

"No... But I would very much love to dress her. Yes." He nods looking happy as a child. How sweet.

How did I get so lucky? How am I dating him right now?

"I'm sure she'd love to be dressed by... 'The Antonio Desusa'!"

Ant starts to laugh. "Yeah, let's hope so."

I think about Loren in one of Anthony's dresses. It's exactly her style. Then I think about Sky. Sky meeting Anthony. What if he hates him immediately? What if he shows his scary side instead of his sweet side and Ant leaves and never comes back?

Anthony places his hand on my knee. I guess I was tapping my foot without realizing it.

"What are you so scared of?"

"That they won't like you."

"Your sister will love me, your dad's in love with me,"

"Gross."

"And I'm sure I'll get along fine with your friends. Seriously, don't worry." Anthony pecks my lips.

"Okay."

I drown in his eyes and lean forward for another kiss. "Wait, but can you please wear something normal?"

Anthony pulls away looking rather annoyed.

"I mean.. like.. not pink."

"Pink is my favorite color."

"Yeah but Sky hates it."

Anthony rolls his eyes.

"Is this Sky guy more important than me?" Anthony pouts.

"'Course not." I give him another kiss. "I just want things to go well."

"Fine. I'll wear white." Anthony looks up at the ceiling. "Maybe with some cream and off-white details. A few gold rings for that golden hour vibe.."

"You're losing me here."

"Sorry."

I kiss Anthony passionately and pull him close.

This feels so good. So much better than those random guys all those months ago. I think I'm seriously falling for Anthony. Hard.

He seems to feel the same way. He deepens the kiss and runs his fingers through my hair.

He gets on top of my lap without breaking the kiss.

I'm hot with desire.

Anthony and I haven't gone much further than kissing. And even our kisses haven't been quite this intense yet.

Anthony pushes me so I'm laying down on the bed. He starts to run his hand over my chest. It feels so fucking good. I feel alive. More so than I have lately.

He starts to trace my neck with kisses. I'm surprised when he touches my crotch with his hand.

A moan escapes my lips.

Anthony and I have been so happy together, the thought of having sex hadn't even crossed my mind. We've just been having fun, going on dates and hanging out together.

What shocks me more than this happening is how unhappy I am about it.

My view on sex really has changed a lot over the months. You know, I'm sure sex is a great thing at some point in a relationship but what I've found is that it mostly just complicates things. Imagine how Sky and my relationship would've been if it wasn't for that one time we had sex. Maybe things wouldn't be as complicated. Maybe things would be normal. And what if I hadn't slept with Kev or the guys that followed? ..Maybe I don't want this for us. Not yet. Maybe I want our relationship to stay fun and simple.

"Ant, stop.." I pull away, feeling horrible.

"What's wrong?" Anthony's eyes are big and he seems scared. He gets off me. "Did I do something—"

"It's not your fault." I turn away from him.

Did I just fuck everything up?

"I really, really like you." I squeeze my hands together. "I just want things to stay this way."

Anthony joins me on the side of the bed.

"I've messed up a lot this year. Especially with.. you know, guys and stuff. I'll spare you the details, the point is... I had sex with this guy from the internet and.. I didn't exactly want it to go that far.. uh.." I hate talking about this but Anthony deserves to know. Maybe then he won't get the wrong idea.

I glance at Anthony. He looks really worried and angry even.

"And then there was that guy I told you about.."

Anthony nods.

"The point is: I've just not had the best luck with sex. And I really don't wanna screw this up. So.. maybe we can take it slow. And of course I understand if that's not what you want—"

Anthony grabs my hand. "Contrary to popular belief I don't think sex is the most important thing in a relationship. It's trust. And the fact that you just told me all of that shows me you trust me. And I trust you."

Anthony leans on my shoulder.

"Let's take it slow."

"Are you sure you don't mind?"

"I don't mind." Anthony kisses my shoulder.

I'm so surprised. I was convinced he would run if he knew. Especially with the whole.. not having sex thing.

"Thanks." I say before kissing Anthony's lips.