Offside: Chapter 55

Fuck my life.

I guess I just did.

“Think about it, James. We would have really tall kids. They would be giants.”

“You’re drunk, Carter. Cute, but drunk.”

Blinking in disbelief, I reread the email on my screen.

“Dear Ms. James, we are delighted to inform you that you have been selected to receive full tuition funding for the upcoming academic year…”

My chest pulled tight as the words blurred. I got it. I got the scholarship.

It was a hollow victory when Chase had blown up my world recently. I still couldn’t wrap my head around what happened. He showed up looking like someone died, broke things off with zero warning, gave me no explanation, and left. Just walked out the door without looking back.

Since then, radio silence. No calls, no texts, nothing.

I’d been going in circles ever since, trying to figure out what went wrong, what to do now, and how to make sense of it. I’d picked up the phone and selected his contact at least a dozen times—either out of sheer habit or because a surge of resentment would hit me and I wanted answers. Hell, I deserved answers, far better ones than the half-assed excuses he gave me. But every time my finger hovered over his name, I’d freeze. Hurt, anger, confusion, pride…a million things held me back.

I grabbed my coffee off the nightstand, draining my second cup of the morning. I hadn’t gotten more than three or four broken hours since it happened, and those were punctuated with nightmares and crying fits. Eating held zero appeal, either. At this point, I was surviving on caffeine, sadness, and air.

After huddling beneath the covers with my laptop for another half an hour, I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. I turned the water temperature up almost as hot as it could go, scrubbed the grease out of my hair, and had a nice, long cry under the stream of water. Once my throat was hoarse and my skin was wrinkled, I grabbed a towel and dried off, then changed into a set of clean pajamas. I wasn’t leaving the apartment today, so why bother with real clothes? I was showered, and that was a major improvement over the previous two days.

Even though I still felt dead inside.

Looked it on the outside too. All the crying had left my skin blotchy and my eyes red and puffy. I had barely eaten in the past few days. Not for lack of trying, but looking at food turned my stomach, and actually consuming it was worse.

My friends were rallying around me, but somehow, their efforts were the opposite of comforting. I wanted to be left alone. Siobhan had cooked and tried to entice me into eating. Derek wouldn’t stop sending are you okay? texts. And Zara and Noelle had kindly stepped in and offered to take over my newspaper duties for a while. Taking them up on it had been gut-wrenching, but I didn’t have much choice. I wasn’t fit to be out in public, let alone attending games and taking notes.

And later this week, I had a second interview for the Penalty Box internship via videoconference. How was I supposed to keep it together when I was dying on the inside?

When I emerged from my bedroom, Siobhan was settled on the couch watching a true crime documentary. Seemed like an odd choice for nine thirty in the morning, but I’d learned by now that her media tastes skewed eclectic, to say the least.

Crying for two days straight had taken its toll, and even after the hot shower, I ached all over. I shuffled into the kitchen and refilled my coffee. Breakfast was probably a good idea, but it held zero appeal.

Standing behind the counter, I debated whether I should talk to her about what I’d been mulling over. What more did I have to lose? Chase was already gone.

I went into the living room and sank onto the couch next to her. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” Shiv hit pause on the remote and shifted to face me. She scanned my face, her expression softening. “Are you okay?”

“Not really,” I admitted. A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed, willing it away. “But I have a question. Only if you can keep this between us, though. If you and Dallas don’t keep secrets from each other, that’s okay. I just won’t ask.”

“Ask away. I won’t tell him, promise.”

I trusted her. Unlike Amelia or Jillian, who were incapable of keeping secrets from each other or their boyfriends, I believed that Shiv would honor my request.

“Can you get me Kristen’s number? Or maybe figure out where I could find her on campus? I need to talk to her.”

Siobhan’s brow creased. “I can probably track her down. Why?”

“This.” I unlocked my phone and showed her the picture Luke sent me. Only then did it hit me how strange it was that Luke had this picture in the first place. Between his texts and Chase’s arrival—and subsequent implosion of my life—I’d been in such deep shock that I hadn’t considered the implications until now. Was Luke following Chase? Was he following me too? My stomach turned at the thought.

Shiv frowned, studying the screen. “That’s weird.”

“Right?”

I hit the button on the side of my phone and held it in my lap, trying not to look at the lock screen, which was still a picture of Chase and me from the hockey gala. I couldn’t bring myself to change it. But every time I saw it, a thousand papercuts tore at my heart. I set my phone aside and took a sip of scalding hot coffee, praying the caffeine would compensate for the lack of sleep and massive emotional hangover. At the rate I was going, I’d need an entire pot to make a dent in my exhaustion.

Siobhan rested her chin in her hand and drew in a breath, hesitating before she spoke. “I don’t want to insert myself into something that isn’t my business or cause more problems, but I did see—well, I saw Chase and Kristen having an argument after the last game. When I asked him about it, he said she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Maybe he went over there to tell her to back off.”

Another thing I’d been kept in the dark about. Chase hadn’t told me about an argument with Kristen. We’d spoken on the phone that night, and he’d seemed different—distant. His argument with Kristen coincided perfectly with when he’d started to behave strangely. Like a switch had flipped.

But…

“Why would he go to her place to do that, though? And why wouldn’t he tell me? When I asked him, he couldn’t explain why he was there.”

The more I thought about it, the less I thought there was any chance Chase had done something with Kristen. Unlike with Luke. I might have tried to sell myself on his lies, but deep down, part of me had known when Luke cheated and lied about it. This sick, uneasy feeling always rolled in my gut. A disloyalty radar of sorts.

Chase had never given me that feeling, even now. Something was definitely wrong, but cheating wasn’t it.

Or maybe I was in denial. I still hadn’t come to terms with the end of us. It couldn’t be real. It went against everything I thought I knew.

Shiv hummed. “I don’t know.” Her gaze fell to her pale pink nails, then back up at me. “I’m worried about Chase. Especially with the way he broke up with you and peaced out of here. It makes zero sense.”

“Glad I’m not the only one who thought that was out of left field.” I huffed and took another sip of coffee.

She bit her bottom lip, blue-green eyes turning serious. “I’m probably breaking all kinds of rules in the girlfriend handbook, but I’m going to tell you this, anyway.”

“Tell me what?” My heart skittered.

“After the game the other night, I went to bed early. The guys stayed up playing video games and drinking. When I got up to use the bathroom, Chase and Dal were talking in the hallway. Chase said he needed to meet with Dallas’s dad about something urgent.”

“Dallas’s father? I don’t follow.”

“Well…he’s a lawyer.”

Worry seized me. “Why would Chase need a lawyer?” Was he in trouble?

“I’m not sure,” she said. “I was half-asleep. Didn’t think much of it at the time and didn’t stick around to listen.”

“What kind of law does Dallas’s dad practice?”

“Litigation. But maybe Chase needed general legal advice.” She rolled her lips into a line. “The timing is odd, don’t you think?”

What kind of trouble could he be in? He hadn’t been arrested for anything—as far as I knew. Luke was still alive, so it wasn’t that. Chase wasn’t suing anyone or being sued. And he didn’t engage in anything too far outside of the law, aside from dabbling in occasional marijuana use.

Could he have failed a drug test for the team? Or could he have been using performance-enhancing drugs? That last one was doubtful.

Kristen didn’t fit into any of those scenarios, either, unless she was a drug pusher.

None of it fit.

Then again, neither did Chase ending things out of the blue. Things between us hadn’t been just fine, they’d been great. We’d been talking about the future. We’d been talking about forever. My heart tugged, and tears pricked my eyes. I inhaled slowly, trying to blink them away.

“Dallas didn’t mention this to you at all?” I clarified.

“No.” Siobhan shook her head. “I didn’t ask because it was pretty clear I wasn’t supposed to hear. They were talking quietly.”

“Maybe it’s good you didn’t. This way Chase doesn’t know that I know.”

“What are you going to do?”

I wasn’t sure, specifically. Something. Anything.

“Find out what the hell is going on.”

I stared at my Sports Economics textbook blankly. Our exam was this week, but every time I opened the book to review the material, the words blurred.

All I could think about was Bailey. Missing her, wondering if she was okay, hoping she didn’t hate me…even though she should.

I wanted to call her. No, I wanted to go over there and tell her everything. But I couldn’t risk her getting caught in the crossfire.

If I could get through the next week or two without ruining her life, maybe I could find a way out of this chasm I’d dug myself into.

A sharp knock at the door jolted me back to reality. Dallas didn’t wait for me to respond before strolling in like a man on a mission. He sat on the edge of my bed across from my desk, facing me. I shut my textbook before thinking better of it, then immediately flipped it back open to a random section. I needed to focus on something other than what I could only assume was an imminent interrogation.

“What’s up, man?” His icy-blue eyes bored into me.

I dropped my gaze, avoiding eye contact by pretending to be fascinated with a random graph on page 256.

I turned the page. “Nothing. Just studying.”

“Sure you are.” His tone turned gruff. “Now that we’ve gotten the bullshit out of the way, what’s really going on?”

Without looking up, I shrugged. It was difficult to lie to Dallas, because he knew me so well. But I didn’t want to tell him the truth, either. The fewer people who knew, the better.

He snatched the textbook out of my hands and slammed it shut. I lifted my chin reluctantly, and when I finally made eye contact, he leveled me with a reproachful glare.

“You haven’t left the house in three days,” he pointed out. “If you don’t resurface soon, Miller is going to come over here and drag your ass to practice himself. And at this point, I’ll help him.”

“I’ll go tomorrow,” I lied.

“We have a game in two days.”

“I know.” I didn’t, actually. Our schedule had been the last thing on my mind. “I’ll be ready.” Another lie, but I was doing a lot of that lately. After barely eating or sleeping, I’d be useless on the ice. A liability, in fact.

Dallas rested his elbows on his knees, giving me a stern look that was all too reminiscent of his father. “You know, Shiv has been texting to check up on you every few hours.”

“She has? Why?”

“Gee, I don’t know, Carter.” He threw his arms out. “Maybe because we’re concerned about the status of your mental health since you dumped Bailey for no apparent reason.”

An invisible hand wrapped around my throat. “Is she okay?”

“What do you think?” He gave me a hard look.

Guilt came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. I was buried so deep I might never get out. And I’d never forgive myself for how this went down.

Dallas’s voice took on a gentler tone. “Does this have to do with why you went to see my dad?”

I let out a long breath. He wasn’t going to let this go. “Yeah.”

“Why won’t you talk to me?” he asked. “You know you can. I won’t tell anyone. Not even Shiv.”

“Because I fucked up, Ward.”

“You are?”

“Count on it. Are you going to say yes?”

“Of course.”