26. Plead

I'm on the bed next to Neil and we're watching a movie. This is insane. I came here to confront him. To finally know why he did what he did and let him know how much it hurt me. But now I'm here in his fucking bed and it doesn't seem to matter anymore. Because I have him back. The kind, caring man that made me feel happy to be alive is back. Do I really want to ruin that? Maybe the original plan was to yell at him, to let it all out. But maybe the universe's plan was to let us reconcile. To leave the past in the past and just start again. Is that so wrong? To just let it go?

I haven't even paid attention to the movie. In fact, I don't even know what movie this is. I'm too busy thinking.

Neil's arm is around my shoulder and I'm leaning on him. And it feels normal. I'm not shaking or uncomfortable. I'm just normal. I look up at him. His eyes are on the screen and he's caressing my arm. He laughs at some joke and crows feet appear near his eye. It's comforting watching him.

He turns to me.

"You're watching me more than you're watching the movie." He smiles.

I look back at the screen. "Oh, sorry." I blush.

"No, that's fine." He smirks. "I like it when you look at me."

"Why?" I ask, my voice strained. I frown and think 'here it comes'.

But it doesn't.

"I just do." He answers casually.

His hand slides from my arm to my waist and he squeezes me tenderly.

I flinch a little.

And I think back. And see him lean over me in my mind. His green eyes like the gaze of a monster.

I have to talk to him about this. I have to. I push myself.

"D-do you think maybe we could.." I look into his eyes and he searches in mine. I remember to breathe. "We should talk about.. Y'know.. what happened.."

He looks at me blankly like he has no clue what I'm talking about.

"You know.. back in the day." I look at the sheets.

"Oh Sky," He squeezes me more. "Don't you think it's better to leave the past in the past? We're happy now, aren't we?"

"I— I know but—"

"And you don't want to ruin this moment, do you?" He murmurs.

"No, but.. I just wanna know why.." I struggle to speak.

"Why? Well, because I love you, that's why." He chuckles and kisses the top of my head.

I don't have the strength to keep asking. It's like I'm drudging through mud. And I just wanna give in and stop.

"Okay. Sorry."

"No need to apologize." He says warmly.

I curse myself for being such a coward.

But on the other side I'm happy I didn't ruin the moment. We're reconciling. We're letting go of the past. And that's good, right?

He keeps caressing me.

And I feel comforted.. and safe.

And my eyelids get heavy and somehow.. I fall asleep.

***

I open my eyes and look around. Neil is gone. I'm alone in his bedroom.

Fear races through my body as I think of what could possibly have happened. So I look down.

My clothes are still on but I'm still scared. How could I have fallen asleep in the house of my.. I can't think the word. I hate that word. He isn't that anymore anyway. He's just like a father now.

But I don't like the way I feel around him. I feel weak. I can barely speak my mind or move. I just turn into clay around him. It's strange. It's not who I am anymore. Not who I want to be.

I grab my phone and text Aron.

I'm done. I'll wait outside.

So I get up out of the bed and put my shoes on.

Just that moment, Neil comes in.

"Hey, where are you going? Aren't you staying for dinner? I just put some water up. I'm making your favorite: spaghetti with meatballs."

"I— I should go home.." I stammer looking at the bed.

"So soon?" He pleads, coming closer to me.

I nod. Still avoiding his eyes.

He holds my cheeks and forces me to look at him.

"I'll miss you." He says, looking sad.

I instantly feel guilty.

"I'll miss you too." I answer.

He pulls me into a hug.

And this time I embrace him back.

And I miss him. And I wish we could just stay like this. Like friends. Like family. And I know that if I leave now, that's how I'll remember him. I'll forget about the past.

He pulls away and holds my cheeks and he kisses me softly on my forehead. I close my eyes.

I thank God or the Universe or whatever for giving me this. This was better than my plan. I feel happy.

...And then Neil's lips peck mine. So softly I barely even notice at first. He kisses me gently and he pulls me close to him.

I forget to breathe for a moment.

And I look at him, confused.

What is he doing?

He continues to kiss me and then he slides his tongue in my mouth and I frown cause I don't understand why he's doing this.

I try to push him away but I'm powerless. My muscles don't work and I turn into clay. And I mold into whatever he wants me to be.

He kisses me more aggressively now. He kisses my neck as his hands trace my body.

I try to find my voice. I know it is somewhere inside me.

"Neil.." I say so softly I'm not sure I'm even saying it out loud.

"Please stop," I say a little louder.

"Sshh.. this is love, remember?" He grunts. "I love you so much." He whispers in my ear.

And I shiver as tears fill my eyes. And I can feel my body shake.

"Shh.. it's okay.." He lays me down on the bed and leans over me and his green eyes don't look so kind anymore. They look terrifying. They look mean and hungry.

"Please, don't do this.." I plead. "Please stop.."

But he doesn't. He keeps touching me and kissing me.. And I can't move.

"It's okay, baby. It's okay.." He whispers before kissing me hard and I cry louder.

It's happening again. I don't know why I was stupid enough to believe that it was over. That we could just forget about it. That he'd changed. He's just the same. And so am I. I'm that same stupid kid that got himself into all of this. This is all my fault.

"GET OFF HIM!" I hear from the other side of the room.

It's Aron's voice.

Neil turns and looks at him but he doesn't move.

"I said off!" Aron pushes Neil off the bed. Off of me.

And I look at him and I can't believe he's here.

He grabs my arm and pulls me up.

He pushes me out the door.

"Go, I'll be right there." His face looks insane. He doesn't look angry. He looks furious. Deadly.

I walk away from the bedroom and hear screaming behind me.

And I think about how all of this is my fault. I shouldn't have come here. I shouldn't have brought Aron.

Cause I still have no answers. Just another traumatic experience to add to the list.

I walk into the living room like a zombie. Only moving because Aron told me to.

And then I look to my side. I look at the black gun on the table.

And I pick it up.