Chapter 19

Milo's POV:

Avoiding Liam was harder than I thought possible.

Now that Sage and Adriel were mated, Sage being Liam's best friend and Adriel being mine, it was sort of like we were split into two couples at lunchtime, except for the fact that Julie was fifth-wheeling a lot of the time and the fact that Liam and I were... not exactly on speaking terms.

He tried to talk to me.

I ignored him.

It had been less than a week, today being Friday, but already I was tired with the whole thing. Every so often I'd catch his gaze and his green eyes would light up before I'd tear my gaze away and resign myself to pretending he didn't exist.

My heart convulsed painfully every time I thought about him. Every thought was like liquid acid in my brain, doing more harm than good, acting like glue, sticking thoughts of him to the forefront of my mind. And it didn't help matters that Sage was still upset about the whole thing, believing it to be his fault even though it really wasn't.

It was how I imagined rejecting your mate would feel, which broke my heart into tiny little pieces when I remembered he must be feeling the exact same feelings that I was; the way my heart stopped just a bit when he caught my gaze, the two seconds of bliss caught in his vision, the self-inflicted pain I felt when I tore my gaze away.

But I couldn't think of another solution.

Juliana had suggested that I talk to him, tell him exactly why I wanted to know everything remotely dangerous he was doing. But me, Milo Lazos-Rodriguez, the omega of the Lightfoot pack, talking openly to someone else about my feelings without sobbing through most of the explanation? Inconceivable.

It also didn't really help that I didn't know why I was reacting this way, either.

Yes, it was something to do with my insecurities, all the flaws I knew I carried that he just didn't seem to see. It was something to do with the fact that it was my family's past that he was trying to make right. It was something to do with the knowledge that I had to hear it from Sage, the future beta, who didn't even know that I didn't even know.

Maybe it was better that it wasn't some huge organized effort to keep me in the dark, but part of me just thought he had been sort of stupid for not telling Sage that I didn't know, at least.

There were some parts of the situation that I couldn't begin to unravel alone, both emotion-wise and fact-wise, so I didn't even begin to try. Instead, I wrapped my arms tightly around my midsection and rested my head on the cool table in the cafeteria, ignoring the sandwich I had packed.

Adriel frowned at me. "You okay?"

"Tired," I grumbled in response instead of taking the time to talk through what I'd just thought. It was technically true, anyways. I hadn't gotten much sleep since... the entire fiasco happened.

Adriel nodded with a small smile, the kind we shared when no one else was looking, the kind that held different meanings than the ones we said out loud. His smile read, I know you're lying but I'm going to choose to ignore it because I know you don't want to talk about it.

This was why I loved Adriel. My best friend and my brother, my rock and my sword, providing comfort and harsh words to those who knocked me down.

Liam looked tired too, sitting a seat away from me. Julie had taken up the role of separating us dutifully through the week, which I was eternally grateful for, but her long blonde hair couldn't hide everything through its curtain.

The circles under his eyes were proof that he hadn't gotten any sleep throughout the week, either.

"If anything I'm learning in Advanced Health class this week is useful in the slightest- which it's not-" Julie grumbled, leaning back as she picked up a baby carrot from her plastic container- "sleep is super duper important and all of you kids should get at least eight hours a night. Which, if I'm honest, it looks like none of you are."

"Shut up," Sage said through his reddening blush.

"I'm like the annoying sister of the group since there are no other sisters present. It's in the job description to be sure you're all using protection-"

That was when I tuned Julie and Sage's skewed conversations out and rested my forehead on the table again, sighing out as the cool surface came into contact with my skin.

As if he'd heard me, Liam jumped into my head. I'm sorry, he said for the third time that lunch period, his mental voice full of just as much soulfulness as his real voice was every chance he got to tell me in person.

I cut off our link.

-

Saturday dawned with a bright pink sunrise streaking through the clouds and a fiery orange sun, as though the dawn was shedding the blood of the night. The mental imagery of that was a bit scary so I tried not to think about it as I made my way downstairs after laying in my bed, awake yet silent, for three hours.

"Good morning," I yawned to Bubbles as I opened up the freezer and grabbed the plastic bag of frozen pancakes. Taking two, I popped them into the toaster and let them heat up as I grabbed the jar of peanut butter from the corner cupboard. Bubbles clucked at me, probably sensing my tiredness (she had always been a very intuitive chicken), but I ignored her, choosing to sort of bribe her into silence with two cherry tomatoes instead.

Bubbles didn't mind the bribe.

When my breakfast was done toasting, I spread peanut butter on top and put them on a plate, carrying them to the living room where I curled my legs under myself and began to take small bites of the pancakes, Bubbles sitting next to me. Outside the window, I watched the sky turn lighter until it was its usual blue color, clouds flying across the sky over the span of the half-hour in which I ate. Then, knowing I had a Spanish essay due Monday (an essay detailing why learning a second language was important, also being required to be in Spanish), I stood up, put my plate in the sink to wash later, and grabbed my backpack from the front door.

Usually I sat at my desk in my room to do my homework, but walking up the stairs felt like a daunting task at the moment and I wasn't willing to submit myself to it, so I just sat on the couch with my papers on top of my notebook and began drafting the essay.

It wasn't that difficult.

Spanish being the first language I'd learned, both of my parents having learned it before English as well, I was already acing the class and this essay was no exception. The words came as easily to me as English did. Back in freshman year, myself along with the other Mexican students (and that one Spanish student who had moved back to Spain the next year) were told to consider testing into higher levels of language-learning, or picking up a different language that the school didn't offer through an online program. Both Daniel and Adriel had encouraged me to go for it, but me being the shy omega I was, I refused. So here I was, acing the class as I had the previous years and being extremely bored by it.

Somewhere along the line, my introductions and conclusions and philosophical words in my first language devolved into a letter I knew I'd never send. Both in Spanish, of course.

I know you were just trying to protect me, but it hurts more than I thought it would. I know it hurts you, too. You are one of the only ones who has ever tried to break in my walls, but you're not letting me into yours. I don't know a lot about you. I know the superficial things but I don't know a lot about you. I want to know more.

Your mom came and talked to me and she said when she was mad at your dad, she could only stay away for two days. I understand why. It hurts me too.

And it hurts when I know that you're treating me like I don't have any thoughts or opinions on anything. I want to be as much a part of this relationship as you are. I'm not who you want me to be. I'm not who I want me to be, either. Sometimes I think it would be better if I wasn't here at all.

I've been trying not to think that because I know you want me to be here. But it's hard sometimes, and without you to fall back on, and now that Adriel's mated... I don't really have anyone now.

I blinked as I looked over what I'd written. Had I really been writing all that down? I knew I had been thinking it, I had been for a while, but writing it down? That was different.

It meant I was losing my mind.

Okay, maybe not literally.

"Goddess," I sighed as I stood up, stretching my arms behind my back, tearing out the piece of paper to throw away since it wouldn't help me in my essay in the slightest, and it wasn't really the sort of thing I wanted to keep around.

Knock, knock, knock.

I nearly jumped out of my skin, looking around wildly before I realized it was just someone at the door. My heart was in my throat as I slowly inched towards it, scared of whatever could be on the other side. Part of me wanted to dart to the kitchen and grab a spatula, but the more sensible part knew that a spatula wouldn't be enough to keep anything I wanted to keep away, away. Bubbles ran around my feet until I picked her up, still edging closer to the door.

I pulled it open slightly, just enough that I could smell whoever was outside. I subconsciously relaxed. It was just Liam.

And while my life probably wasn't in any danger, it meant more apologies and afterwards, more crying on my part.

I wished I'd grabbed the spatula.

His mouth opened and closed twice as he struggled with what to say, myself watching him the whole time, before he sighed and settled on saying, "Hi."

"That's not going to cut it." I didn't know where this confidence had come from but I didn't like it.

He sighed. "I know. I was just hoping we could- talk?"

"I don't want to talk."

"Then let me talk. Please." His green eyes were wide and glossy as he stared at me, his gaze imploring my soul to agree.

I bit my lip. "Not in my house."

"Okay."

With a sigh, I stepped out onto the small concrete porch and closed the door behind me. Setting Bubbles down in the grass for some much-needed exercise, I became acutely aware of the piece of paper crumpled in my hand. The paper I had been on my way to throw away when he knocked on the door.

"Milo, just know I'm so, so sorry for trying to keep this from you. I thought you'd freak out and ask me not to go, and in retrospect that seems really stupid, but at the time it seemed like the best decision. I wanted to go and give you some sort of closure for your family and I didn't really think it through, but Goddess Milo, I swear to you I'll never do it again. It was a really stupid decision."

"It was stupid," I agreed, tears beginning to well in my eyes. "You're so- so stupid."

I couldn't help the sobs that spread through me as I doubled over, clutching myself in a hug that wasn't reassuring in the slightest.

"I know," he agreed with wide eyes, his hand reaching out for mine, but as soon as contact was formed I flinched away. "I know, I know, I'm stupid. I'm an idiot, really. A really big fucking idiot."

"But I don't think it's entirely your fault," I sighed, sitting down in the growing grass. My mate sat down silently in front of me. "In reality, I think it's a lot of me being stupid, too. Maybe it's all me and none you and I'm just making a really big deal out of nothing." Tears began to slide down my face.

"No," Liam sighed. "No, I think you're justified in ignoring me. I fucked up."

"I trusted you," I choked out through my tears, "and I trusted me. And I loved you. And I trusted that you- that you loved me back."

"I did," he pleaded with wide eyes, "I do."

I carried on as though I hadn't heard thim, though I had. "And I don't know if I should trust you that much again. My heart wants to, but my head's saying- it's saying you're going to hurt me again."

"I won't," he promised in a low voice as his warm hands enveloped my own. I realized through my tears that I was shaking. "Never on purpose."

"But that's the problem, isn't it?" I cried out, squeezing the ball of paper in my hand tighter. "It wasn't on purpose this time. And I'm still... so upset about it. I can't be a good fit for you, for anyone, if this is how I'll act every time we get into a little spat about something stupid."

Liam said nothing, just leaned forward to embrace me.

"I love you, Liam," I said in a small voice, knowing the weight of my words. "I still do. But I can't help but think the Moon Goddess is wrong in all this."

He held me close to him, close enough that all I could smell was him, his warm scent of lime and lemongrass and wildflowers that never failed to relax me.

"I love you too," he said in a thick voice. "I always have. Please don't... give up. On us."

"I need to go," I mumbled as I pulled away, standing on shaky feet and refusing to meet his gaze as I pulled Bubbles into my grip once more. "I need to... I'm sorry." I reached forward and pressed the ball of paper into his hand. "I'll see you on Monday."

Then, without waiting for his answer, I turned around and walked into the woods.

-

"Malena," I mumbled when I saw her gravestone and collapsed on the side of it, part of me wanting to hug it but the other part knowing it wouldn't do any good. "Malena, I don't know what to do."

I pictured her ghost in front of me. She was younger than me when she died, only fifteen, so the mental image I had of her was a little bit skewed. I pictured her big black curls, her dark brown eyes sparkling with laughter and hidden jokes, her short stature the same as mine. We would have been the same height. The marks in the bathroom that I'd been measured against every year of my life were enough to prove that.

"What is it, hermano?" I pictured her saying in response. She loved to do that, mix in Spanish with her English and vice versa.

"Things are hard with Liam," I mumbled to her imaginary ghost, feeling silly.

"Did you get in an argument?"

"Mmm hmm," I mumbled in response, reaching up to wipe my eyes.

Then I pictured my mother, my mamá. "Try going through what happened out loud, mijo. It might help you gain a clearer understanding of what the next step needs to be."

I sighed, knowing this imaginary version of my mamá was right, she always was. "It started when Liam didn't come to school one day and Sage told me that he was off with some of the rest of the pack killing vampires."

The rest of my story came easily. I didn't try to explain my thoughts other than "I've been thinking some things that I don't really like" and, being figments of my imagination, they didn't argue.

"It sounds like you really love this boy, your soulmate, mi hijo," Papá told me, the imaginary version of him resting a hand on my shoulder.

"Love like this is not to be let go," Mamá agreed. "Talk to him, Milo. Tell him how he hurt you and how to avoid it next time. It is obvious he cares for you, deeply."

Even Malena joined in. "Don't let him get away," she said to me, a smile turning up the corners of her lips. "If you play your cards right, you'll never have to be alone again."

"Okay," I mumbled, ducking my head down to my chest as again, tears began to cascade. "Okay."

I knew that these versions of my family weren't them, they were how I remembered them, all wise and old to my ten-year-old self. But they gave me good advice and so I didn't really care, I just knew I had to take everything they said with a grain of salt.

Everything they said was everything I'd been trying to tell myself all along.

"I love you guys," I mumbled, wiping the last of my tears and looking up, hoping to catch a last glimpse of their dark eyes, shining with pride, before they disappeared.

But they were already gone.

-

Sunday dawned with the same flare that every sunrise seemed to have, oranges and pinks that reminded me of fire. Of the end of the world. Or maybe that was me just being dramatic, making things up. I wasn't sure.

As I ate breakfast, what looked like thousands of packets of carrot seeds stared at me dauntingly, but I was tired and had already told myself I wouldn't be starting until the next weekend. It probably wasn't warm enough, anyways.

Still, I busied myself with stacking them up into a neater pile than they already were.

Today was the sort of day I could have expected Adriel to show up, had it been six months earlier. Now that he and Sage had officially moved in together, they were probably off doing couples things. Or, knowing them, watching movies and talking. They never seemed to get tired of talking, or at least Sage didn't. Adriel humored him.

Part of me hoped Liam wouldn't show up, so that I wouldn't have to face him a day before I was planning, but part of me held on to that dying hope that we could reconcile everything and go back to the way it was before.

Loving. Friendly. Oblivious.

I busied myself with unpacking boxes of his stuff, folding his clothes to put neatly in the dresser and taking out Adriel's clothes to give back to him- what, they were the same size, if Adriel ever came over they could live with sharing.

Who would've known the big, bad (not really) alpha (also not really) had three stuffed bears he put in the 'not up for discussion, this stuff stays' box?

A small smile found its way onto my lips as I put them at the end of the bed. They smelled faintly like him, so if I ever needed comfort in the night and Bubbles wasn't around... well, at least they wouldn't squawk or require feeding.

I hummed a quiet melody under my breath, one of the distinct ones I could remember Adriel singing to me, as I piled empty boxes on top of each other. The room was filling out nicely, graduating from 'room that seems too big with too little furniture' to 'room that seems too small with a pretty decent amount of furniture'.

My back to the staircase, I picked up my pair of scissors to slice through the tape on top of another box and froze.

Who was moving downstairs?

The low creaks of the floor that Bubbles was too light to trigger, soft steps in hard shoes... this was no one I recognized.

Instantly I began freaking out.

Oh, Goddess help me.

Then I began to hear the sounds of whoever it was climbing the staircases and turned, pushing myself away towards the bed with wide eyes and a pounding heart. The moment he stepped onto the landing, I felt my heart fall to my feet.

"Hello," said the vampire with a pleasant smile.

--

guys there's a vampire i wonder what will happen

:)

-bloom