05 | Under Pressure

JEN FORGOT ALL ABOUT DEAN HOLLOWAY the second she flung herself out of his car and ran towards the doors under the sign labeled EMERGENCY ROOM, a bright red light that pierced the night fog.

Her heart was racing, her blood pumping through her veins so hard they felt like they might burst. And for a moment, when the fluorescent lights of the hospital momentarily blinded her, she thought that perhaps they had – that this world of white was the afterlife.

But then her eyes adjusted to her environment and she heard a strangled noise that she recognized as her own voice, though it did not sound like her at all, crying out.

"My mom, I need to see my Mom-"

She felt a pair of hands – Dean's hands – rest on her shoulders and try to steady her, his voice explaining (only slightly less frantically than her own) to the hospital staff why they were here, about the call they had received. But though any touch from him would have sent fire dancing across her skin only half an hour ago, there was no room in her heart for romantic affection now. The only flames blazing their path through her were ones of fear. There was something wet on her face– sweat? Oh. No, it was tears. She was crying. It was tears.

What followed was a blur. Later, Jen would dimly recall being ushered into a seat, her body trembling as she sank into it. Various doctors and nurses fluttered to and fro like birds departing from and returning to a nest, only offering her brief fragments of information at a time.

"Car accident–"

"Trying to get her stable–"

"We're not sure–"

"Part of the brain that affects memory–"

"Where is my dad?" she had demanded.

"On his way-"

"He wasn't with her–"

But what was she doing in Chicago? She should have been at home with him. She should have been with Dad.

None of the doctors knew the answer to that.

Maybe she had come to surprise her daughter? But why would she be out driving past midnight?

Knowing nothing was maddening and Jen must have looked like a madwoman herself, trembling like a frightened animal. She was barely aware of Dean, pale as a ghost, in the seat next to her. She was pretty sure she looked over at him once and pitied that he had to sit there with her, but when she tried to form any words for him, what came out of her throat was sobs.

But then she heard Dad's voice calling her name, the sound of his footsteps as he rushed over to her, his crying daughter. The hug he gave her then was the last truly comforting gesture she would receive from him for a long, long time, and it only got to last for what felt like a few seconds before one of the doctors suddenly reappeared.

"Jonathan Adler?" he asked, looking stoic yet also uncomfortable in a way that doctors usually didn't.

Dad gave a solemn nod.

"Could I speak to you in private?"

Jen's fingernails dug into her palms as she shot her father a pleading look. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me.

When he saw her, he was reluctant to leave her. He hesitated, then cleared his throat quietly. And when he spoke, his voice was surprisingly steady.

"Whatever you need to tell me about Margaret, you can say it in front of our daughter."

The doctor still looked grim. "I really think it would be best if we could talk alone."

All the staff were convening bright and early at 8 a.m. on Monday morning for the monthly staff meeting. Why Nora would have them meet so early besides to torture them, however, was a total mystery to Jen—today was just a teacher workday because the students had off for Martin Luther King Day.

She felt that same anxiety as she did going into her first day, that dread from knowing that she would definitely have to see Nora. She told herself over and over again that she was being immature and that she just needed to take a deep breath to calm herself down. But she didn't know why she was bothering trying to fool herself—she'd been telling herself this same thing for years and doubted that it was going to magically start working now.

She convinced herself that grabbing a coffee from Spill the Beans before work would help her to start her day in a brighter mood but failed to consider that the caffeine was likely just going to make her even more jittery. Oh well. She was already halfway through the cup by the time she had this epiphany, so she decided to let herself enjoy the rest of it even if she'd be restless later. The hot liquid was soothingly warm compared to the cold air that grazed her cheeks as she approached St. Catherine's.

At least Jude will be here, she reminded herself when she stepped through the front doors. Everyone would be there.

On a regular day, she would go straight to her desk, but today she headed towards the library instead. It was the only space in the school besides the gym and the cafeteria that was large enough to accommodate them all, so all of the staff meetings were held there (According to Jude, they tried the cafeteria once, but afterward everyone complained about how uncomfortable the seats were).

As she walked down the hall, Jen could hear chatter emanating from through the open doorway, so she knew she wasn't about to be the first one who showed up. She attempted to go as unnoticed as possible as she slipped into the library, where a decent amount of her colleagues – about half of them, she'd guess – were already milling about. It was pretty nice for a school library, she thought, or at least an improvement over what the Woods Crossing High one had been seven years ago when she was a student there. The back half of the room was where the shelves were while the front was left mostly open as a reading area for students, though this morning it was lined with rows of plastic chairs for the staff. The air currently smelled of coffee, but she remembered from the couple of other occasions that she'd come down here that it normally had that lovely book smell to it.

She breathed a tiny sigh of relief when she saw that Jude was already present, but of course he'd be. It was his library, after all, and he probably wanted to arrive before anyone else did so that he could watch them like a hawk and make sure that their coffee didn't get too close to his precious books. He appeared to be preoccupied with returning a stack of books to their correct spots on the shelves, so she wasn't expecting him to discreetly wave her over almost immediately after she arrived like he'd been keeping an eye out for her.

She quickly came over and prayed as she did so that he wasn't about to try to revive their discourse on The Sun Also Rises, but when she met him there between two rows of shelves she found that his expression looked more curious than argumentative.

"What's up?" she asked just quietly enough that they wouldn't be overheard but not so hushed that they would look secretive.

He looked amused. "Word around town is that you were with one of our coworkers at Spill the Beans on Saturday."

Oh boy. She added killing Celie to her mental checklist of things to do after work and simply said, "Okay."

"Okay?" he parroted, clearly bummed out by her lackluster response. "Are you gonna tell me who it was? Celie wouldn't."

Jen resisted the urge to cross her arms, not wanting to look like a cross child at work. "Why do you need to make a big deal out of it, too? Did it become illegal to talk to people?" she questioned. "Oh God, please don't tell me you're getting protective."

He had, after all, become like an older brother to her over these past few years she'd known him and Celie. It was incredibly rare that he went into that defensive sibling mode, but it did happen on occasion.

He raised his eyebrows. "I wasn't, but the fact that you asked makes me wonder if I should be."

"You shouldn't."

She thought she saw him give a small sigh—although he made no sound, she noticed the slightly exaggerated rise and fall of his chest.

"Look, of course you should go make friends if you want to," he assured her before lowering the volume of his voice. "Just be careful about what you do in front of them outside of work. You know the rules here are really strict and I don't want anything getting back to Nora."

Believe me, I don't want that either, Jen thought but didn't say out loud.

"Oh, ye of little faith," she lightly chided him instead. "What do you think I'm doing behind your back – going to strip clubs? Getting drunk in public?"

Joking was her way of making sure she didn't give herself a chance to mull over the unintended implication that she would ever be anything like him. She wasn't. She knew she wasn't.

And besides, she knew Jude had no ill will. She hadn't told him nearly as much as she told Celie.

"There's nothing to worry about," Jen assuaged him. I'm the most careful person you know; you can't deny that."

While his paranoid concern was highly unnecessary – particularly considering that he was fully aware that her idea of a fun night with friends was having book club – she appreciated nonetheless that he was trying to look out for her.

He cracked a smile, appearing to have finally dropped his worry. "No, I can't."

The library was mostly full now. Jen saw some last stragglers coming in, Robert among them, and decided that she ought to find a seat before she accidentally wound up as the last person standing. As she picked a spot in the back row and sat down, she couldn't help but wonder if Jude actually knew of anyone who had gotten in trouble for their behavior after hours or if he knew her better than she thought he did and could somehow sense that she really, really never wanted to get on Nora's bad side.

From the moment she sat down, Jen had to resist the impulse to nervously tap her foot. Instead, she sucked in a silent breath and reminded herself that she and Nora would be the only two people in this room who were aware of the fact that they met before she took this job. She couldn't allow herself to have any visible negative reaction to her.

Nora came in looking beautiful and windswept, donning a cream-colored coat with gold jewelry to accent it. Elliot was just behind her and the room swiftly grew almost eerily quiet when they entered. The employees of St. Catherine's clearly respected their authority.

"Today's meeting should be quick. There are just a couple of things to make you aware of," Nora informed them, enunciating clearly so that those in the back could hear her well.

Her eyes slowly scanned the room before landing on Jen, much to the latter's chagrin. "But before we start – since I don't think you've all gotten the chance to meet her yet, let me introduce you to our new secretary, Jennifer."

Just like that, all eyes in the room were on Jen. Sitting in the back was a mistake—they all had to turn around in their seats to get a look at her.

She swallowed a lump in her throat and gave a shy smile, but luckily her moment of stardom ended as swiftly as it arrived. Most everyone just gave her a quick glance before returning their attention to Nora, who continued on down her list of items to talk about.

The teachers were reminded to enforce the tardy policy (apparently some of them were being slack about it), there was a pep rally at the beginning of February (all teachers were required to attend but Jen wasn't, thank God), and information about standardized testing was being sent out this week (she suspected she would have to play a role in distributing that).

As promised, the meeting was over rather quickly. Almost everyone hovered there in the library or right outside in the hall to talk, uneager to throw themselves straight into work when sipping more coffee and chatting for a few minutes longer was an option. Jen, however, was more inclined to get started on her work now so that she could relax later.

Or at least that was what she told herself, though the more likely reality was that she didn't want to be near Nora – or any crowd of people, for that matter – longer than necessary. The fact that she was only going to be here for a few months meant that she didn't feel a strong need to make friends with her coworkers. She already had Jude.

And Robert, who she ran into (almost literally, but fortunately she caught herself) on the way out the door.

He gave her a slightly apologetic smile as if it was his fault that she was so stuck in her own head that she nearly plowed into him, which turned into more of a knowing grin as he rummaged through his belongings and pulled out a letter. "I imagine I can just give this to you now."

She might have been embarrassed by openly accepting it in the hallway were it not for the fact that it was just a folded piece of paper, so to anyone else it would look like he was simply passing any other document off to the secretary. Even so, she didn't waste any time before tucking it into her bag as they made their way down the hall.

"Was the rest of your weekend okay?" she asked cordially.

He nodded. "It was, but I wanted to ask..." The look he gave her out of the corner of his eye was a concerned one. "...Is there...did something happen with Principal Ambrose?"

Jen's stomach seemed to leap into her throat, but she tried to swallow the feeling down and sound unbothered as she replied, "What makes you say that?"

"You got really pale when she addressed you," he explained a bit hesitantly but kindly.

"Did I?" So much for not having any reaction to her. Jen scrambled for a lie, feeling preemptively guilty as she did so. "Oh, that didn't have to do with her. I'm just, ah, feeling kind of faint this morning. Headache. I was just on the way to grab some medicine from my desk."

"Oh." Robert looked genuinely taken aback, shoving the seed of guilt deeper into her conscience. "You shouldn't have let me hold you up, then. Is there anything I can-"

"I'm okay, but thanks," she said before he could get too worried about her imaginary headache, yet the realization that he wanted to make sure she was okay brought a tinge of warmth to her cheeks. "That's kind of you."

They were back to the front office now, which perhaps was fortunate considering that she hadn't really put him in the position to do much else besides politely nod and leave her be. Once she sank into her desk chair, she found herself aimlessly swiveling it back and forth despite telling herself just a minute ago that she wanted to get a head start on her tasks instead of using the rest of the time that had been allocated for the meeting to procrastinate.

After another moment of mental debate, she got up from her chair to get a minute of fresh air before she needed to sit down and crack down on this work. Although it was chilly and breezy this morning, it was neither raining nor snowing, so she could tolerate the temperature for a short stretch of time. The brisk air usually helped her clear her head and do a sort of mental reboot.

The front sidewalk had a pale, almost chalky stain to it as a result of all the layers of salt that had been spread to melt the snow this season and then trodden underfoot. Though it would be bustling with students on a normal Monday, Jen was its lone occupant now. She liked it this way, though, for it was an oddly peaceful place to be. If she looked to her right, she'd see the looming spire of the church piercing through the morning fog like a sword. Around all other sides of her was the city labyrinth of skyscrapers, equally impressive in their own right though not quite as beautiful, in her opinion, as the older architecture of St. Catherine's. Today's low-hanging clouds and mist concealed some of the activity of the streets to her, giving the illusion that all was much calmer than usual.

Until there was suddenly a voice next to her.

"I really wish you wouldn't hate me so much."

She nearly jumped out of her skin, not having heard the door open or Nora's footsteps on the pavement. The blonde had pulled her coat a little tighter around her and the wind blew strands of her hair against her face, but she made no move to brush them aside. As she stared ahead into the empty, the dark skies made her eyes appear more stormy than their usual brown.

Jen instinctively gazed down at the ground for a few seconds before pulling her eyes up to stoically look ahead as the other woman was doing. In that moment during which the air was filled with a heavy silence, it occurred to her that their situation was indeed a peculiar one. Anyone else might have been confused to see the principal and newest employee alone, standing at each other's side like they were old friends, and then even more confused to hear that quite the opposite was the case.

"I wish you would try to put yourself in my shoes," Jen said emotionlessly.

"I have." Nora's voice carried its usual subdued confidence, soft and melodic yet unsubmissive. "Our shoes are not so different."

Jen would have scoffed at that comment once, but the years of disagreements were starting to drain her of the vibrance with which she fought back. "Yes, they are."

"I don't believe they're as different as you think."

The wind stung her eyes, but she felt no desire to cry or raise her voice. The most emotion she felt was a flicker of annoyance—this was hardly a conversation they should have been having at work. Nora should have come out here to tell her to go back inside, not to discuss their personal grievances with one another.

It was enough to finally draw a sigh from Jen's lungs. "What would you like to hear me say?" she asked honestly. "That I know I should get over it? That I'm stupid for feeling this way?"

She wasn't looking at Nora, but she imagined her expression didn't change. She continued the conversation with her frustrating, unchanging patience.

"I've never thought you're stupid, Jen. I und-" She only faltered for a moment. Both of them were still looking straight into the distance rather than at the other. "I can see why you dislike me so much. And I would be a liar if I told you that have completely forgotten any negative feelings I may have harbored towards you-"

"Then why are you lecturing me about it?"

Nora's voice was resolute. "Because we're both capable of being better than that. We are."

Jen didn't watch her leave, but she heard her footsteps this time as she turned on her heel and walked away.

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A/N:

Let me know what you thought of this chapter! I know some parts might get confusing because there's a lot of information I haven't revealed yet, but I hope it makes you curious to read more.

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