CH 79

Boom-

The fireworks outside erupted with a roar, like a grand and passionate curtain call.

Yu Zhou watched the colorful fireworks reflected on Xiang Wan’s face, the colors flowing gracefully making it impossible to look away.

She sniffed, feeling a sense of heartache as she raised her hand to touch Xiang Wan’s face.

Xiang Wan instinctively rubbed her face against Yu Zhou’s palm, her soft vellus hair standing on end.

Through her sobs, Yu Zhou said, “Thank you.”

Xiang Wan thought Yu Zhou would be angry, panicked, or even repulsed and avoidant, but she didn’t expect her to be so calm.

The myriad of emotions in Yu Zhou’s eyes gradually faded and she was looking at Xiang Wan with eyes as placid and inclusive as the ocean.

As if consoling her.

Under Yu Zhou’s gaze, Xiang Wan calmed down, the drunkenness in her eyes receding. She didn’t know how long she held this position, but when she released Yu Zhou, she noticed her hand was red.

Unsightly red.

So she felt a bit apologetic and sat up, her hands supporting her body on both sides with her long hair falling on either side of her gorgeous face, looking somewhat helpless.

In truth, Yu Zhou had been genuinely hurt, wincing slightly as she got up and then propped herself up, sitting against the headboard of the bed.

It seemed like her waist had been twisted and she couldn’t help but hiss in pain.

After some thought, she looked at Xiang Wan’s slender figure while asking, “Would you like to hear what I have to say today?”

Or would she prefer to calm down first?

Xiang Wan looked up at her, feeling herself terribly rude. She was surprised that Yu Zhou still wanted to speak to her calmly, just like before when she used to hold her and talk about the rules of this world.

Seeing that she wasn’t opposed, Yu Zhou took a couple of small breaths, then looked into Xiang Wan’s eyes as she said, “First of all, I want to apologize to you.”

Xiang Wan felt a little deflated, as if her previous frenzy had exhausted all her energy, leaving her without any reaction to the apology.

Yu Zhou continued, “I apologize not because I don’t like you but because I chose to avoid the issue and not face your feelings head-on.”

“Over this period, I’ve been thinking, when will you tell me about it, or will you even mention it at all? Later, you didn’t say anything and you seemed so casual about it that I began to harbor hopes that you had already moved on.”

“I didn’t expect that, during the many days I overlooked, you were still thinking about it, and even more so than I thought.”

Yu Zhou’s eyes glistened with tears, “I only realized the weight of your affection for me very late. I want to apologize for my earlier rash statement that it was not love.”

Xiang Wan started to sob quietly, unable to hold back any longer.

“Wanwan.” Yu Zhou called her tenderly, amidst the flashing of fireworks and the flickering of lights.

“Do you know what the person I liked when I was eighteen looked like?” She pursed her lips and smiled.

Xiang Wan looked up at her.

“I wasn’t a lesbian when I was eighteen. I liked a boy in my class at that time. He was excellent at playing basketball. Let me tell you, boys are so immature. I often saw them walking along the road, making shooting hoops pose, and he was no exception.”

“But despite his immaturity, I was head over heels for him. I remember he liked to wear Adidas clothes, usually in black or gray. His left shoulder was higher than his right one because he always carried his bag on one side. He had particularly beautiful eyes, so big and gleaming, just like a camel. Oh, he also had a hunched back, making him look even more like he had some sort of blood relation to a camel.”

Yu Zhou’s tone was so amusing that Xiang Wan couldn’t help but let out a barely stifled laugh.

“What happened later?” Xiang Wan asked.

“Back then, I would go watch his basketball games every day, fetch him water and give love letters to him. But he didn’t like me. He ended up dating the beauty of his department, and I remember crying my eyes out over him in my dormitory. I even cut my hair for him and wrote a diary entry about him every three days, which I locked in my QQ zone. However, by my sophomore year, I fell for another guy and stopped liking him.”

Xiang Wan’s face paled, biting her lower lip as if wanting to say something.

“Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that your affection is superficial, nor that you’ll eventually meet someone better and stop liking me, just like how I stopped liking him.”

Yu Zhou shook her head before whispering, “What I want to say is that during our reunion last year, I saw him in a completely different light. He had gained some weight and his hairline receded yet he was only 25. He sported a more conservative and older hairstyle, wearing leather shoes.”

“He was nothing like the person I remembered. If I had seen him as he is now, I definitely wouldn’t have liked him. But, you see, when I just reminisced about him with you, I still remembered his appearance when he was eighteen.”

Yu Zhou laughed and said, “The way he looked when I liked him.”

“So, what I want to say is, that infatuation at the age of 18, was the best and most unique one. It will make you see that person through a filter for a very, very long time, the kind with soft light. Many years later, she may not be what you remember her to be, but when you think back to her, she is still beautiful and wonderful.”

“So, I am very honored to be the person who touched your heart when you were 18.”

Yu Zhou also drank some alcohol that evening; her eyes were a little red. She held up her palm to her face and gently exhaled.

“No matter how fat, ugly, or old I become, deep in your heart, there might always be a shadow of me at my best.”

“So, thank you,” she said.

Xiang Wan blinked and tears rolled down.

“You’re so smart, you must have guessed it. I didn’t plan to hide it, I told Su Chang to let things take their natural course, but when she kissed me today, I knew that I had no control.”

That’s why I didn’t hold your hand or support you, even though you were swaying as you walked and I was still worried about you.

“Su Chang is the person I met when I was 21. At first, I thought that my feelings towards her were nothing different from my previous crushes, but after more than four years of ups and downs, I realized that it was different.”

“I love her. It might sound a bit pretentious to say this, but…” Yu Zhou didn’t continue, shaking her head.

“The biggest difference is probably that when I like someone, if it doesn’t work out, I know that there will be another one. But when I met her, I knew there wouldn’t be.”

Even though it has been quite a while, when she’s in front of you, you still feel that she doesn’t quite fit in with this world, like a clearly defined death god amidst the bustling, vague crowds.

Your love can only follow her, and then die.

“So, I can’t accept anyone else, even if she and I are impossible, or it’s hard for me to accept anyone else. No matter how wonderful other people are, I can’t leave a bug in my heart. It’s like I might be happy with someone else, but as soon as she appears, it won’t work anymore,” Yu Zhou frowned, “Do you understand?”

Xiang Wan listened quietly and nodded.

“I’m not sure if your feelings for me are love or just affection; you might not be sure either. Let’s wait and see how time reveals the truth.”

“I don’t want to tell you to forget about me, or to say, don’t like me anymore, because this kind of thing can’t be achieved just by shouting slogans. But from the aspect of protecting you, I personally hope that it’s just liking, not an indispensable love that you could never accept others in this life.”

“Because I have selfish intentions too, I really want to be your best friend and turn into a family member you can rely on. Because I was the first person you encountered in this world, I feel that this fate is no lighter than love. Moreover, you are so lonely here, I really want to take good care of you and want to love you together with my family.”

Xiang Wan covered her eyes and took two heavy breaths through her nose.

“It’s also because of these selfish intentions that I’ve never dared to talk to you honestly. But now I want to tell you that I know the pain of liking someone who’s unattainable but you have to contact them—just like I told you earlier, ‘it’s all Su Chang’. I don’t want you to have to desensitize yourself like this, so I can accept it if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore, if it makes you feel better.”

Xiang Wan lowered her hands as her gaze flicked over the bed.

“But if you want, I’ll still be your most reliable friend and family member, always firmly supporting you and trusting you.”

Yu Zhou wiped her tears and whispered, “I can handle that.”

She had no other choice. It seemed that all options were cruel.

With tears in her eyes, Xiang Wan looked at Yu Zhou, who was now huddled up, shoulders drawn in, looking helpless like she had been abandoned. But she was trying her best to be a mature adult, trying to handle Xiang Wan’s first heart-throb rationally and appropriately.

Xiang Wan looked at her and called out softly, “Yu Zhou.”

“Hmm?” Yu Zhou looked up. The sound seemed to be squeezed from her throat.

“Pat me,” Xiang Wan said.

Yu Zhou reached out and hugged her as she used to do, gently stroking her shoulder.

Xiang Wan said, “I once told you that in matters of love, I’m not utterly ruthless, but just now I felt a bit envious, and I couldn’t control it.”

“I know.” Yu Zhou patted her.

“I felt a bit unwilling,” the sense of wrong done to Xiang Wan came belatedly, “Why was it that I fell into your house, and spent such a long time with you, we already met, but yet you didn’t like me?”

Tears fell from Yu Zhou’s eyes as well, she too thought it was absurd.

“Exactly, when we write stories, yours would be a script for the major female lead. I would definitely like you! The author who wrote your script must be sick.” She cried and scolded miserably.

Xiang Wan managed to break into a smile through her tears as her chest trembled and gently bit her lower lip while holding Yu Zhou. “I guess so,” she said.

Yu Zhou cried out in pain, burying her head in her arms.

Xiang Wan said, “Don’t cry anymore.”

“Let me alone, it’s really unbearable,” Yu Zhou sobbed.

“Fine, I will leave you alone.”

“Eh, don’t.”

Unable to hold back a chuckle, Xiang Wan started laughing, even as tears filled her eyes. She spoke to herself, just trying to be friends with Yu Zhou.

Perhaps such a friendship would bring more happiness.

After all, she could still easily make herself laugh, as if all aspects of life could be joked about.