wait by the river (for ainu)

It was the last time I would ever see her again. We stumbled upon each other by pure luck—the kind of encounter that happens by chance. It was one of those coincidences that left us completely baffled and amazed at the universe's mysterious workings. She was sitting by the river, adorned in a silk dress with her hair blowing in the wind. I couldn't help but notice how contemplative she looked. She'd cut her hair short and dyed it a deep black. Her eyes followed the gentle ripples of the water. In the distance, kayakers floated along the water's reflection. Kites roamed against the wispy clouds. The hazy sunset casted a light orange glow in the atmosphere.

Initially, I was running to catch my bus, but when I saw her, that no longer felt important.

We locked eyes, and the world came to a halt. Time ceased to exist, and it was just us and the slow hour before dusk. We approached each other, almost as if the riverbank was our tightrope, and we were tiptoeing on the delicate string that connected us. I was nervous, but then, she smiled, and it felt like a breath of relief.

"Ainu!" I remarked. "I didn't know you were back in Tokyo!"

"Iwaizumi, out of the nine-million people in this city, I'm glad that you're the one I've run into," she laughed, brushing her hair out of her face, only for it to be blown back by the wind, messier than before. "I'm only here until tonight. I've actually got a midnight flight back to Taiwan, but I couldn't let go of Tokyo without returning to this place. Maybe, it's for old time's sake, but I've been longing to see the city again... this time, on my own."

"Why is that?"

"I was curious to see how it would feel to roam through Tokyo alone. Just me, myself, and I. Surprisingly, I've never felt more alive. It makes me feel invincible."

We stood in silence, staring out at the iridescent stream. Then, we both decided to let down our masks and ask the questions we needed answers to in order to move forward.

"Have you been able to find closure since the... um... you know..." I stuttered, my voice shuffling through every letter and syllable. "Sorry. I don't know the right way to ask this."

She brushed off my incoherence. "I'm doing a lot better. I didn't realize how badly it hurt back then, but I can finally breathe now, and it feels like I've been writing a new chapter in my life. I was so scared of losing the connection we had built up for so many years, but I didn't realize how much has actually changed since we moved out here. What we had as teenagers was so different from what we had to let go of. We became so blinded to each other's presence. Time turns us into different people."

"I'm sorry." I couldn't help but apologize. The source of guilt? I couldn't quite pinpoint that either.

"For what? There's no reason to be sorry." She laughed, and I also chuckled at the absurdity of our whole situation.

"For getting in the way of things... if I ever did... I don't know," I stammered.

"The same could be said about me. I can't even explain the guilt I carried for so many years. Seeing you and Oikawa drift apart. I blamed it on myself for so long." She looked at me. Her eyes were big and wide, filled with curiosity. "Are you two together now?" she asked. Her voice was soft and calm. There was no sign of resentment.

I nodded. She glanced at me, holding back tears. It was a bittersweet look. Yet, it crushed me. I wanted to wipe her sadness away. Sometimes, we forget how love hurts the kindest people.

"I'll always have a special place in my heart for him... and for you too, but pain is still pain," she sighed. "It hurt when it ended, and I couldn't deny how much he cared about you. He loved you in ways every person wants to be loved. Always called out to you with the sweetest nicknames. His eyes lit up whenever you entered the room. He always had a story about you, would always talk about you, ask about you. It hurt because I wished it was me, but then, I realized that what we had was no longer the love I wanted. Last year, when we sat on the balcony of my old apartment, I saw loneliness in the both of us. Today, I understand us a bit better now."

"For so long," I admitted, "I was jealous of you, but I had no right to be. You were his partner. I was just an old friend. Really nothing but—"

"No," she interrupted, "don't you ever discredit yourself. I hate it when people lessen their experience because I do it too. Trust me. I'm not a wise person, but I know how special a friendship can be. Now, enough of this stupid Oikawa talk. I've already seen enough of him today. Seriously, every other billboard. That dumbass, arrogant smile. Like, God, kill me already... However, I do want to know about you. What have you been up to, Iwaizumi?"

~

We sat by the water for a long time and told each other stories of our lives. After existing in each other's peripheral vision for so long, our evening felt like stitching together all the torn pieces of a disappearing quilt. She shared vivid stories of her three younger sisters, and I learned that she would pack their bento boxes—every morning, right before school. Because her parents worked late-night jobs, Ainu would be the one looking after her sisters. She showed me a photograph of them. She kept it in her purse no matter where she went. I love these girls more than anything in the world, she beamed, I want to make them proud.

I told her about the boxes of vegetables my mother would send to me. A memory of my grandfather and the letters he sent to my grandmother when they were young romantics. How they never really stopped being young romantics, loving each other until their dying days. You better eat every single carrot your mom sends over, Ainu joked. That's a loving gesture, right there. She took a deep breath. I want a love like what your grandparents had.

The more we shared, the more we came to realize that we had a lot in common. We joked about our strange relationship, tied together by a shared love for a cocky volleyball player (who is secretly a big softie). You know, if things were different... if the timing was right, you and I could have been best friends. Then, we pondered over the idea of an alternate universe where that would have been the case. Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again in the future.

Yeah, that would be nice.

I pictured our lives as strings that intertwine, get a bit knotted, and soon untangle from one another. We exchanged a few more stories about our families, life in Taiwan, the places I visited in summer, and some other good memories. Then, she looked down at her watch. "Fuck, fuck. I should get going. I still need to pick up my luggage before I head to the airport."

Just like that, the ticking of time reappeared. TapTapTap. The world returned to its regular commotion. Ainu snapped back into the busy whirlwind of her professional life.

"Right, you don't want to miss that. I should get going too."

She gave me a tight hug, and in that moment, I truly understood her, and she truly understood me. "Iwaizumi, you take care, okay?"

"You too, Ainu. You can call me if you ever need anything."

"Oh, no need. I'll be fine. I always know how to pick myself back up again. Plus, I've got an international art gallery to run," she declared with a confident wink. "Sayonara." Her voice was determined and open, a fire that defined her essence. Knowing that she would be fine made me feel more confident in myself. Some things are contagious, I suppose.

Then, she squeezed my shoulders for one last time, before sprinting toward her train stop. I watched her fade into the tight crowds, blending into a chasm of miscellaneous humans. Just like that, we became two strangers again. Our paths would forever diverge. Our two strings would only stray farther and farther away. Yet, the memories of this encounter would linger with me forever. Funny, how life works sometimes.

~

a song for Iwaizumi & Ainu's fleeting friendship:

"Wait by the River" by Lord Huron