Five - Payal

"So, you like him then?"

Payal looked up from the file she was working on. Rohan stood by her chair, looking at the coffee cup as he slowly swirled the coffee within.

Sighing, Payal shut the file. She had been waiting from the last half an hour for Rohan to come to the point. That was why she suggested that they work in the conference room, because from the expression on his face, this was not going to go well.

"What's going on in your head?" she asked.

"See?" Rohan said. "This is how well you know me. And I'm your best friend. Do you even know that doctor as well as you know me?" he asked.

"Rohan, he is a friend. But I'm not looking at him as a just a friend." Payal tried to explain.

"And what? Three weeks of messaging one another on the phone is enough to decide that you want to marry him?" Rohan asked, agitated. "Payal, he can't even take time out to meet you in person. In fact, you both should just get your phones married; they seem to communicate with each other more than you both do."

"Rohan, every single day he calls even if he is near dead with exhaustion. Why? Because he can't stand to miss out on whatever little time, he can spend with me! He's trying his best to make this work, that alone is proof that he can support me if he wants to." Payal shot back.

Rohan ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "Payal, just come out of your la-la land for once and think this through practically. Is this what you want? By agreeing to this marriage, you basically committed a lifetime with a man who will always consider you second to his family, and second to his work. He's still studying, and there is no guarantee that once he starts working, he's gonna come home at 7 PM daily like a good husband. Your professional life is erratic as it is, and his will be worse than yours! How will you guys be a family? You can't even give each other time, let alone your families." He ranted.

"I haven't said yes yet. And we asked for courtship to work all of this out." Payal argued, her tone quiet. "Besides, I am not separate from his family, I will be a part of his family. And how can I expect him to have a 9-5 job, when my own job isn't like that? In fact, I can understand that part of his life better than his family." Rohan's points were not all without ground, but knowing Vivaan as much as she did now, it hurt her even more to think of their relationship not working out, which made her lash out.

Vivaan had seemed a perfect, impossible-to-exist-in-reality guy when she first met him. An enigma, a fairytale prince. He existed, but in fantasies, or maybe in fiction romances. Such a person could not exist in reality. But over the last three weeks, the more she got to know him, the more she realized he was not that perfect. He had flaws, he had insecurities and he had his own share of low moments. He was as normal and imperfect as her. It was not just the fact that he tried to talk to her everyday no matter the time, but also the little things he revealed inadvertently – things that told Payal that he was willing to open up to her. That he wanted to be with her.

Such as the first time he had video called her. It had been around 6.30 in the morning, and she had just woken up. No doubt, she looked like a zombie and was wary about wanting to let him see that. But when she answered his call, she was surprised to see that he hadn't bothered to cover up anything. If all she had done was comb her hair and wash her face off sleep, all he had done was comb his hair roughly. He was in his hospital scrubs and had looked even more sleep deprived than her, having pulled a night shift. And yet, he was completely at ease with it. Comfortable. It was as though he had wanted to say "this is how I am usually, and I want you to accept that." More so, he had called her 'beautiful'. Didn't romance novels call such men keepers? Her parents had been surprised to find Payal smiling that morning.

He loved home cooked food, just like her, but preferred Italian and Mexican food to samosa and street chaat, unlike her. He loved reading, but preferred non-fiction over romantic or mythological fiction unlike her. He loved spending time with his family, just like her, but preferred movies to music, unlike her. He would laugh in amusement at her obsession with Korean dramas, and patiently listen to her rants on the mythological characters but talked just as animatedly about the five potted plants that lined the windowsill of his bedroom window. He loved using his hands as he explained anything and was adorable when he got started on anything related to his profession. The more she got to know him, the more she liked him.

Rohan scoffed, interrupting her inner monologue. "Oh, so you're defending him just because you can't help it? Admit it, Payal, you like him."

"Yes, I do!" Payal snapped, causing Rohan to stop and blink. "Yes, I like him, and that is why I'm considering saying yes." She herself realized it as she said it out loud.

"Payal, liking someone and compromising your entire life to live with them are two different things." Rohan argued. "You're a lawyer. How many sweet romances have you seen turning into lifeless marriages? Countless, that's your answer. Attraction fizzles out eventually. Then when it's absent, couples realize that they weren't meant to be!"

"Rohan, stop it!" Payal argued. "Just stop. I didn't share about Vivaan with you for you to go all negative about this."

Rohan held his hands up in surrender. "Oh, I'm sorry. I can't even be concerned for my friend." He said, hurt plain on his face. "I'm just supposed to sit mum and nod when she requires it." He turned and left, pausing to kick the desk in frustration.

Payal sighed, putting her head in her hands. She hated hurting Rohan. But she couldn't stand what he said against Vivaan either. How could she explain what it was like? She herself couldn't come to terms with the fact that she had barely met Vivaan during their courtship, barely seen his face, and yet she felt as if she known him for ages. She couldn't explain that feeling.

Then there was still the matter of his dilemma. They had unconsciously avoided talking about it in the past weeks, but it was like the elephant in the room. She liked talking to Vivaan and she had already admitted that she liked him enough to say yes, but it didn't resolve the dilemma. Was it enough? Could she stand it if he decided that he didn't want to marry her? What if he said yes and they got married, but eventually fell apart like Rohan believed? Perhaps she ought to bring it up the next time they had a chance to talk. But the idea scared her. She couldn't bring herself to raise the topic. It felt as though if she did, she would have to give up on all their time spent together so far. And she didn't want to. It was really difficult – this battle between doing what she wanted to and doing what was right.

She reluctantly got up from the table, gathering up the files and making her way out to her desk. Rohan was nowhere to be seen. Payal pressed her temple slowly, anticipating the headache that was to come today eventually. She wrote a note for Rohan, asking him to call her when he had calmed down, and then packing her things, left for home for the day.

Her phone rang as she walked to the main entrance of her office building. The caller display read Dr. Vivaan Mehta. She picked it up with a smile. "Hey." She said.

"Hello." He answered. "Busy?"

Payal shook her head with a tiny smile. "Actually, can I call you back once I get a train? I need to cross the road to get to the subway."

"No, wait, that's what I called you about." He said. "I had my day off today. And I had come here in Colaba to meet a friend. I'm at Churchgate station now. Can we... Can we go home together?" He asked hesitantly.

Payal couldn't believe her ears. He was here. Actually here, in person!

"Hang on." She said. "I'm walking there as we speak. But come on the outside of the station." She said, cutting the call without waiting for his response.

When she climbed out of the subway, she spotted Vivaan standing outside the café that she had told him about. She waved when he turned in her direction. He waved back, smiling as she moved toward him along with the crowd of people from the subway. Just that smile made her headache vanish.

"This is a pleasant surprise." She said, as she reached him.

"It was completely spontaneous." He assured her. "I wasn't sure if you were done for the day or had already left. I just took the chance and called you."

She laughed. "Good call." She said, moving toward the café. "So, are you hell bent on going home straight away or do you want to go for a walk first? In either case, you'll have to wait until I buy something to eat because I'm famished." She asked, trying to appear nonchalant, but on the inside, her heart was doing the jumping jacks. Either way, this would be their first real date.

"I don't mind a walk." Vivaan said, amused. He was dressed casually today for the first time that Payal had seen. So far, she had only seen him in formals (the day he had come to meet her first), or in his scrubs (when he had video called her). So, she had never seen him in jeans and casual shirt ensemble until today. The outfit made him look younger somehow, less the serious doctor and more of an enigma. And also, impossibly good looking.

"Great." She said, a little breathless. "What do you want to eat?"

They each bought a sandwich to go and began walking toward a road that led into the city. Payal had initially thought about Marine Drive, but it was a common place and would be crowded at this point of time. It would be better to take a walk along a less crowded road.

"What do residents do on their day off?" she asked after a while of companionable silence.

"Catch up on their other interests." Vivaan said. "We all have something we do when free, else we'd go mad."

Payal nodded. "It must be rare to be that free right? You also have to study for and prepare your thesis papers as well."

Vivaan shook his head. "It's a part of the routine. Of course, we work on it more when we don't have to report for work. But it cannot be done only in my free time. I have to work on it every day."

Payal looked at him then, walking confidently beside her. If she looked closely, she could see the exhaustion on his face. Was it right for her to drain him further by making him walk like this?

He seemed to read her thoughts. "No no. You're not exhausting me further, don't worry. From the last three years or so, I have learnt to optimize ten hours of sleep a week at its maximum. I'm used to much more exhaustion than this. In fact, this is weirdly refreshing. It's been a while since I have left the hospital for anything more than a trip to the nearest convenience store." He explained.

Payal laughed. "Well, I'm glad not be guilty of exhausting you further, then." As they rounded the street, Payal stumbled over a stray brick. Losing her balance for a moment, she prepared to brace herself against a wall, but before that, a hand caught her at the elbow. She looked up to see Vivaan staring at her in concern.

"Are you okay?" he asked, gently releasing her elbow once she was standing straight.

Payal nodded, trying to breath in deep to calm down her racing heart. The contact had done more than jump her heartbeats. It had reminded her of the last time Vivaan had held her arm, when he wanted to know if his rejection had hurt her. Figuratively, there isn't much difference between then and now. She thought to herself.

"Payal." Vivaan spoke after a moment, as they neared the station. "There is something I wanted to talk to you about." He walked to a bench near the subway and sat down, patting the bench and beckoning her. Payal hesitated, but then sat down next to him, placing her bag between them.

"I have been thinking about my questions for a while now." He began. "The ones I said I want answers to on that day."

I should have known I can't avoid this conversation any longer. Payal thought. All the happiness she had felt at being on a date with Vivaan was now replaced by fear and uncertainty. But she still nodded.

"The first question I had, is why you asked for this courtship, when you told me you were going to reject the proposal?" Vivaan asked. There was a subtle hopeful tone to his question, as though this answer mattered to him the most.

"When I spoke with my parents" Payal spoke slowly while looking straight ahead, "they made me realize I didn't want to reject the marriage alliance because I was hurt by you. I wanted to reject this alliance because I didn't want to burden you more." She said straight away, without mincing any words.

"So, you wanted to reject this proposal for my sake?" he asked after a moment.

Hoping that he couldn't see her blush, Payal nodded.

"Why did your father suggest a courtship then?" Vivaan asked.

"He... they made me realize that if I was doing this for you" Payal paused, trying to gather enough courage to say it out loud. "If I was willing to reject the alliance for your sake, you had just as much a say in it as I had. And you hadn't outright said no, rather you had asked for my opinion. My actions were... rash, and papa felt that the best cover up in this situation would be to suggest a courtship. It was like killing two birds with one stone. It was a good cover up for why I asked to speak with my parents alone, and it would also give both of us time to decide upon this decision." She explained.

Vivaan paused in his questions. When Payal finally made herself look at him, he looked to be in deep thought.

"Are your questions done?" she asked him.

He looked at her then, his eyes unexpectedly dark under the streetlights. As she watched, they softened with emotion before he looked away, clearing his throat.

"I was the one with messed up priorities." he said, looking at his hands. "And that started all this. So, I don't think it's fair to ask your thoughts on the proposal first."

Payal looked down too, waiting for his answer, and preparing herself to deal with the possibility of a rejection. After three weeks, she understood Vivaan better, so she could understand why he would want to reject the idea of marriage. It's the idea of marriage that he wishes to reject, not me. I need to remember that. That's it.

"When I first heard of my parents looking for a suitable match for me, I was against it." Vivaan began. "It's not that I preferred somebody else, but just that I wasn't ready for marriage yet. I was older than my cousin who was already married, and I was mature enough age wise, but what I lacked was stability. I was – still am – studying as a resident in a hospital. I can't go home despite living in the same city as my parents, I barely earn enough to live by myself, and ninety percent of my time and effort are dedicated to my studies. The remaining ten percent, I always placed aside for being eldest son of the family and the older brother of my siblings." Vivaan said, a slight smile on his face.

"So, you can imagine, how I would have protested against getting married. I didn't have time for myself, how could I give time to another person? The only time I made a decision for myself so far was when I left the business to study medicine. That one decision has consumed my life ever since. I wasn't ready for another such decision – not when I barely had anything in me to give to it." He looked at Payal. "You get that now, don't you?"

Payal nodded. "This part, I had understood even back then."

Vivaan smiled in acknowledgement. "But then I hear of the proposal and come to know that baba-sa had specially suggested you for me. 'A rebel for a rebel' is what he called it. He persuaded me to meet you once, and I agreed for his sake. But I had made up my mind to tell you the first chance I got that I'm not ready for this marriage."

"And then I saw you for the first time." He shook his head a little, as though still not able to believe it. "I'm not trying to win any brownie points here, nor am I trying to be a flirt or whatever. It's simple, plain fact. The first time I saw you, I was swept away, instantly charmed. It had nothing to do with the setting, with what you wore or even with what you said. I can't pinpoint anything as such. It was just... you." This was the first time Payal had heard him admit that he liked her openly. It was always visible in his actions and the roundabout words, but he had never outright said so. And as always, it made her blush.

"The next one hour, you probably labelled me a creepy stalker, because I couldn't look away from you, no matter what I did. Everything else I did was on autopilot, even answering your family's questions for me. I couldn't voluntarily shift my focus from you, not for a moment. In my head, I was going through how I could subtly just say yes to my family and end the restless feeling in my chest." He was looking at his hands as he spoke, so low, that it was almost as though he was talking to himself. But Payal did hear it, and she couldn't stop the joy from erupting in her chest. He had wanted to say yes!

"Then reality crashed on me when we were sent to walk in the park. I realized that the reason I wanted to change my decision was the very reason I should tell you that I'm not ready for marriage. I wanted to, in fact, I already had space for you in the ten percent of my time and effort. But that was not what you deserved. You deserved more, and much better circumstances. You shouldn't be forced to share the ten percent of my time and effort with my family and my duties. You shouldn't be forced to accept that ninety percent of my time cannot be given to you forever. And so, I told you about my dilemma. But I was nervous and couldn't phrase it properly. And I realized that when you told me how wrong I was." Vivaan confessed.

"You pointed out my mistake so easily, and that made me realize that my perspective was wrong all along. All this while, I was trying to believe that I had only so much space left with me to give. I never thought that love, care, emotion, these only multiply with increasing numbers, they can't be divided. I was treating my family wrongly by giving them a divided portion, when I had it in me to give more, their rightful share. And in doing so, if another person were to enter my life, I didn't have to replace ­someone's place with her, I just had to create a new one. It was possible to care for everyone, not matter how many people 'everyone' consisted of." He said. Payal's heart now beat at the rate of a helicopter's blades. She was prepared for a rejection, but this was...not a rejection.

"So, you were confused then?" she asked gently, for he had gone silent.

"No. I didn't want to hurt you, but I still managed to do that by my actions. So now I was cautious; I didn't want to appear fickle by changing my decision in a flick of a moment, as that was how it would look to everyone else. And you were also hurt and wanted to just end the alliance then and there, whether for my sake or no." Vivaan said, now looking at her. "I wanted to tell you that I wanted to say yes, that I was okay with all dilemmas as long as you were there to show me the solution. But before I could, you went away with your parents." Vivaan focused back on his hands.

"So, I kept quiet. And when your father suggested a courtship, I was pleasantly surprised. I was expecting a rejection as I said earlier. So, I thought, I'll look for the answers myself."

He turned toward her, angling himself over her bag, so that he was facing her fully. "And if there is anything that the past three weeks have cleared, it is that I can think of only one person if I were to get married. And that is you. It's no longer an instant attraction but growing fondness and care toward you. The more I know about you, be it a big revelation or a small habit, the more I like you. And dilemma or no, I would want that to be my decision as always. It was always a yes from my side, and I wanted you to know that." He stated.

It was music to her ears, his indirect confession. She could only smile at him, unable to look away, since he had captured her with his gaze. And so, she smiled, hoping her eyes could say what her words wouldn't.

"And so, I now ask my next question." Vivaan said. "Why?"

Forcing herself to speak, Payal asked, "Why what?"

"Why were you willing to reject the proposal for my sake?" he asked.

Now Payal was unsure. He had bared his feelings to her, told all his thoughts to her, and even reassured her that he would not reject her. Could she do the same? Could she allay his fears as he had hers? More importantly, was that the only thing needed to be done?

He watched her expression, waiting patiently for a reply, and at that moment, Payal decided, that he deserved an answer at the very least.

Taking a deep breath, she decided to trust him. Payal had never been open with what was in her heart to anyone. Not even her parents. And now, here she was, having decided to trust someone with her feelings for the first time.

Here goes nothing...