Six - Vivaan

Vivaan watched the changing expressions on Payal's face with growing alarm. Had he rushed this? Maybe he shouldn't have broached this topic so soon. It was only three weeks yet. He could have simply avoided baba-sa and taken this slow. One question after the other.

All day long, the urge to talk to Payal had been an uncomfortable lump in his chest. He had spent his day off trying to study but found that he could not concentrate on it. And so, as the evening wore on, he decided, on impulse, to go meet her in person. He knew she usually left around 8.30 at night, so he reached an hour earlier, and called her. As luck would have it, she was already heading home.

As he waited by the subway, he grew anxious with each waiting moment. He really couldn't decide on the right way to express what was on his mind and heart. But then he turned and saw her waving from the subway. Just one glance at her smiling face, and the tension receded. She was dressed in her work clothes – formal shirt and trousers this time- and her heeled shoes clicked against pavement, but her smile held all his focus. He automatically smiled in return and then was amused when she indirectly enquired if this was a date.

No harm in being truthful. It will be a serious conversation anyway.

And so here they were, and although he was feeling a lot lighter after letting it out, a new apprehension had begun to form in his mind at her continuing quiet. He knew she liked him – just her smile at his confession told him that – but what if she still thought that getting married was a bad idea? It is possible to like someone, even love someone without being married to them. And while love is enough for two people to be together, it is trust which bound marriage for life. For the couple to continue being in love, to bind their families together, trust was required. And that trust, he was not sure he had earned from Payal.

"When Ma told me about the proposal, my first thought was that it is not possible." Payal finally spoke. Like him, she too, seemed to have decided to look at her hands as she spoke. "It really did seem impossible then, our families are culturally different, our income levels don't match and most importantly, our ideologies didn't match." Logical as always. He thought.

"Then my best friend and my mother both told me to think about what I want, not what the society would look for." Payal said with a laugh. "And so, I thought, I would be marrying the man, not his family, and as long as he supports me, I can adjust with his family no matter what. Now the question was, how do I determine if the 'proposal' coming to meet me is exactly like the image I have in my head?" she turned to him then, staring at him for so long, Vivaan felt compelled to ask something, just to break the silence.

"And what was that image like?" he asked, as a prompt.

Payal smiled as she looked down. "He doesn't have a face." She said.

"He... doesn't have a face?" Vivaan repeated. "Then what is the 'image'?"

She was still looking down and smiling. Was she...shy?

Vivaan knew that Payal was very reserved when it came to telling what was in her head or her heart. She had once told him "People think being a lawyer means we talk all the time. We have to be verbose. They can't be more wrong. Lawyers consider words very precious. We make you pay for the words we speak on your behalf, be it in the courtroom or on a piece of paper. Of course, we don't talk all the time, that'd be way too expensive for you and us; rather, we listen. Listen and observe always." Vivaan didn't know if all lawyers thought that way, but Payal definitely did. She rarely commented on anything or easily participated in a room full of discussion. When she did participate, her comments always held meaning and inflection. But he had never interpreted that silence as shyness. Payal was reserved, not shy. But now, looking at color rise in her cheeks, Vivaan realized she could be shy as well.

"He is an... impression, more than a picture." She said, looking at him. "Whenever I thought about him, about how this Mr. Perfect would be, I never saw a face. What I saw instead was a personality."

"I agreed to meet you for the same reason you did. Because my parents wanted me to meet you. I did not see your photo, because I did not want any impression to enter my mind. And so, the day you came to see me was the first time I saw you." She was back to observing her hands.

"When we went for the walk, and you told me about your dilemma, I realized that even after not having seen your photo, I had made an impression of you. I had heard about you, about your relationship with your family, your choice of profession and what you gave up for it, everything." She spoke, her voice humming with conviction of... what? Vivaan didn't know. "And what was more, that impression was slowly fitting in with that image in my mind. By the time we were walking in the park, I had convinced myself to say yes to this proposal, differences be damned." At that, she blushed again, and Vivaan fought the urge to make her look at him, just to see if the blush reached her eyes.

"When I heard your confusion, the only reason I didn't outright reject the proposal, was because I was tempted, tempted to make you think in my perspective, if only so you would agree to the proposal and I could get what I wanted." She said, now blushing so deeply, Vivaan felt the embarrassment himself.

"Then I realized that was wrong, and it wasn't fair to you." Her tone was lower now, more retrospective. "But even though my mind understood your decision, my heart didn't, and so I was hurt. Not hurt because you wouldn't say yes, but hurt because even if you agreed, and we were to marry, I would always be an obligation, a burden to you, like the other relationships you called a responsibility. I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to be a burden to you and hurt you. And when I rejected the alliance, I myself didn't know this was the real reason." She said.

"My parents made me realize it. And thank the gods they did that. Or I would never have given this proposal another chance." She said, now finally looking at him. "Because if anything, these three weeks have made it crystal clear that the image in mind and the person in my heart, are one and the same. And today, even if you were to decide to reject the proposal, I wouldn't be hurt. I would understand and respect it, even if my answer never changed all along. Not when I first met you, nor when I rejected the proposal, nor when we 'dated'. It's always been a yes."

The relief that Vivaan felt overshadowed everything else. For a moment, nothing existed except for Payal's smile, and the world shadowed in deep reds and passionate blues around them.

"So then, my last question-" he stopped when she raised a hand.

"I know your question already, but before you ask and I answer, there is another matter we haven't addressed. Your dilemma." Payal said.

"My dilemma?" Vivaan echoed.

"It's not entirely without ground." Payal said. "That is partly why I agreed to not go ahead with this marriage."

Vivaan was thoroughly confused. "We literally just confessed that we like each other and accepted the proposal... but now you want to reject it?"

Payal shook her head vehemently. "How did you even arrive at that conclusion?" Before he could answer, she continued. "Anyway, what I meant is we... we shouldn't rush into marriage."

Vivaan blinked and stared at her for almost half a minute. "I don't get this."

Payal probably realized this as well. She shifted her stance, getting into the 'convincing lawyer' mode. "Okay see, I have two reasons for saying this. The first is, your career. You're in the first year of your CS residency. Do you really have the time for marriage right now? You have to study, prepare your thesis, and complete duty hours at the hospital, and that is already stressful. You think you can handle the stress of a marriage right now?" she asked.

"Marriage isn't just going to be you and me and saat phere. It's going to involve both our families, and they both have dreams of their children's marriage. There will be rituals, festivities and large -scale celebration on both sides. With both our professional careers, especially yours, being hectic, it is not going to be easy." Payal said gently.

Before he could say anything, she continued. "And that is just the event. What about after we're married? In the last month, we have met in person thrice. Seventy-five percent of our courtship has been through phones and laptops." She joked but was serious the next moment. "Despite it all, we found each other, barely. We haven't had the time to develop our relationship, and there is no guarantee that we will find that sort of time soon. Don't you think we'd be rushing into it all too fast if we just get married immediately?"

Vivaan considered it all. She was right. He had been wrong to not consider all facets of their decision, lost as he was in the haze of her acceptance.

"There's also another reason, um, dilemma." Payal spoke after a moment. Vivaan raised his eyebrows in a gesture of continuance. Payal seemed to take a deep breath before speaking.

"I know we both confessed that we like each other. And I do like you. But...I have never been in a relationship before. Never even dated." She said, looking at her hands. "It's all...new to me, and I would be... I mean, I won't be comfortable... with you. Not yet."

Vivaan was confused again. What did she want to say?

"Comfortable how?" he asked.

Payal looked down again, a blush staining her cheeks. Now Vivaan was even more confused. What was causing her to be embarrassed?

"Comfortable as in...being together, you know?" she said, still hesitant. When he still gave a blank look, she tried again. "As in, go further than casual dating... You still don't get it?" she asked, frustrated.

Vivaan shook his head, mystified. What did go further than casual dating mean?

"Oh alright." She snapped. "Being close...being intimate."

It was as though a lightbulb finally switched on and he caught the meaning of her words.

"Oh." He said. Oh. OH.

He looked at her then, she was nervously tangling and untangling her hands, not looking at him. Then he started laughing. Did she really think that would be on his mind now? When she had just said yes?

She froze, then looked at him as he continued laughing. He kept doing so until the expression on her face changed from surprise to annoyance. She made to get up, taking her bag.

"Okay stop, stop." He gasped out, still laughing in random bursts. "I'll stop, I'm sorry." He said, motioning for her to sit again. She huffed in annoyance while sitting down, somehow managing to look cute even when annoyed.

"You're forgetting something Payal." Vivaan finally managed to say. He looked straight at her to show her he was serious. "It's not just your first relationship. It's mine too." She looked up in surprise.

"Yep. I've never dated either. Never had the time." He shrugged. "So, this is just as new to me as it is to you." He watched her reaction carefully before proceeding further.

"Don't worry, being intimate is way down the list of priorities." Vivaan tried to sound reassuring. She looked up with a doubtful expression. This confused Vivaan. Did she want him to think of being close then? A moment later, he got the answer. Of course, you idiot. Wouldn't it be odd to be attracted to someone and not think of them that way? He hurried to explain again.

"I mean, I do think of you that way. But being with you doesn't mean just that." He said. "All I meant, is that I'm perfectly okay with your reasons, and not because I don't want you in that sense." He paused. That still sounded wrong. He took a deep breath and tried again.

"You want to take it slow? Is that what you mean?" he asked tentatively.

Payal considered it for a moment. Then nodded in agreement.

"Okay." Vivaan said. "We'll take it slow. I'll let you set the pace and the boundaries of our relationship; I have no problems with that. And I promise you that I won't cross any line, not unless you agree to it." He stated as strongly and convincingly as he could.

Payal finally smiled, her posture relaxing as though she had been holding her breath.

But Vivaan wasn't done yet. "Will you promise me something in return?" he asked.

She looked at him curiously.

"Will you wait for me, Payal Shah?" Vivaan asked, holding out a hand. "Will you give me the right to make you wait? To marry you one day?"

Her eyes clouding with unshed tears, she placed her hand in his, where it fit perfectly, her warm touch reaching right up to his chest. "Yes." She answered.

He squeezed her hand once. "Thank you." He said. She merely smiled in response, before saying "But that line was too cheesy." In her classic, deadpan tone. Vivaan stared at her for a moment, before they both burst out laughing.

They sat together in companionable silence for a while, smiles on their faces and hands entwined from their promises. After a while, Vivaan noticed it was getting late.

"We should go home." He whispered. She nodded in response.

And so, they walked, hand-in-hand, as the moon shone bright, celebrating their acceptance.

Glossary:

Saat Phere - In a Hindu marriage, the most important ritual is when the bride and groom go around a sacred fire seven times, amidst chanting of their vows. Each round signifies a specific promise made by the bride and groom to each other with respect to their married life. The rounds are taken around a sacred fire, symbolizing the lord of fire Agnidev. Vows made in presence of Agnidev are considered sacred and unbreakable. They also hold his blessings. Saat Phere literally translates to "seven circumambulations" and is also known as Saptapadi.