Chapter Thirty-Three

My tolerance is going up

And I'm getting numb to the feeling, yeah

And I've been abusing drugs

I'm getting numb to the feeling, yeah

I need you to show me love

'Cause I'm getting numb to the feeling, yeah

I need you to ride me harder when we fuck

'Cause I'm getting numb to the feeling

Chapter 33 – The Awakening

Nephele's POV

"You keep these scars here," A strong, calloused hand rests over my breast, expanding over my heart, "So you can prove that you are strong." I frown at his words, knowing them to be false.

"I don't need to prove shit." The words slip out automatically, walls rising within my eyes as I look up at a young Lucifer - a young Erebrus. He only smiles at me in return.

"Deep down, you need the validation. It may not be from me or your mother, but you need that validation from yourself." He pauses for a moment, a blank look on his face as the lights dim around us and the starry night rises in the sky.

I look up, exasperated at the beauty of the sky.

"You keep those scars so you can keep proof that you are paying for the sins others have committed. You keep those scars to remind you, that through others actions you have pushed on. You validate your existence everyday but waking up once more." I turned to him this time, fully facing him with a concerned look.

I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing the effect his words had on my emotions and my mind. I didn't let him see past the stone walls that encased by head like a shell, protecting me from the sharks that tried to pry deep inside and rip me to shreds.

I kept those memories embedded in my heart, because I knew that it validated by existence. He was right. I kept them there so every day I could recall the horrors I had faced by the actions of other people.

So, I could remember and pay my respects to my former selves. So, I could throw a red rose on the grave that they had dug themselves and tell them that I will do them better; tell them that I will avenge them.

I narrowed my eyes at the male before me but didn't waver in my stance, nor did I waver in my stare. I did not falter – I didn't let him inside.

After all, I held all those scars on my heart and all of them contained the memories of him.

Blinding lights shone through my closed eyelids, the flare of the red and blue hues, a distant memory as shadows plague my vision. Flashing colours reoccurred over and over, the flashes so bright and so intense that my eyes physically moved as they occurred. Right, Left. Black, White. The pace of these flashes became more intense – never ceasing to end as the soft material that supported my back seemed to fall from underneath me and I was left in a freefall, spiralling into the dark abyss that seemed to blink white with every passing millisecond.

I open my mouth as hair whisps past my cheeks, arms flailing and trying to grab a hold of something that could stabilise me but alas there was nothing in the eye of the spiralling storm. The storm was loud – crashing of waves and the screams of darkness intensifying with every passing second as I continued to fall. I reach upwards, trying to grasp anything between my fingers as this form of gravity brings me down to some level of ground below.

Everything above me was a spiralled tornado with rectangular boxes filled with animated movements floating and moving in all different directions. The boxes held snippets of scenarios I had lived through. I – I didn't know what to describe. It was all memories I had seen, all memories I was apart of. I saw Lucifer in some of those boxes too, but I also saw my mother and Freyja and my brother.

I didn't understand.

I saw my corpse in one of the boxes. The box was the closest to me, and seemed to be following me. I saw my body an ashen pale gray in Lucifer's arms. His black hair shining under the red-lit skies. His eyes were dark, but even now I was too far away to see what he was whispering as he rocked my back and forth on his knees. I furrowed my brows as the box almost absorbed me into it's dream, but didn't take me into the dream – the memory – I should experience.

I ended up here between the snippets of lives. This was where they had connected. I would fall and eventually a rectangular box with a scene playing would absorb me and take me to that past reality. Except this box didn't absorb me – it didn't take me to its old reality and show me what happened.

My heart started to beat faster. Why didn't this one work like the others?

I already knew the answer, but didn't say it aloud. So, I watched the small scene play over and over again.

I scream aloud, making eye contact with my dead grey eyes from the scene, only for the scream to never leave my throat.

No sound escapes me – nothing. There was no voice of mine – only the screams of the shadows watching me fall to the bottom of this storm and into another nightmare.

I don't realise that I am in contact with the ground until the force of the impact ricochets around my body, cracking bones and slicing of skin.

It contorts my body, sending my body rebounding upwards as I am sprung into the new world with the mere snap of a spine and the bloodiest of fingers wrapping around my throat and squeezing, leaving their mark a permanent reminder of the truth of this life.

"Amare."

I flicker my eyes shut open completely. Throat dry and thoroughly parched. Lips chapped. Eyes sealed tightly shut by a months' worth of sleep. Skin tight, all moisture left behind.

I don't respond to the name; I don't recognise the voice nor the call either. It didn't sound familiar yet, although somehow, I knew it should.

I move my fingers softly, a covering of silk barely scraping the finger tips as I twitch my index finger. I feel my fingers tremble, my toes moving slightly to feel the surrounding cover. I don't move anything other than the ends of my limbs. It hurt too much to move anything, hurt to even lift the left index finger above one centimetre.

My eyes roll back in my head briefly, my brain rolling around as my eyesight wavers in and out of focus. I almost smiled at the cracking of my neck and upper spine when I moved, but couldn't smile. I felt dizzy; like I was spinning around in the middle of the ocean. I felt weightless; no forces acting on me in that current moment.

I blink my eyes twice; trying to remember something that I have seemed to forgotten

Lucifer.

I gasp inwardly, core muscles screaming as I shoot from the bed I lay in and look straight ahead expectantly. Air is sucked from my lungs and I fight the urge to fall backwards from the pain that somehow radiates my body.

"Lucifer-" I gasp for breath, trying to comprehend both my actions and the thoughts running through my head. 'You-" I couldn't bring myself to finish that sentence.

Everything that I saw – everything that I had lived through – was in the forefront of my mind and it didn't want to leave. It was there. It was so close to the surface that I could feel everything. I could feel everything and nothing at the same time. The knives, the ice, the darkness, the skin, the blood, the rocks, the dirt, the skies, the hair, and water, the –

Two hands forcefully grip my upper arms, bringing me from my head with a haze to two warm eyes. I part my lips and look at the Black haired and red eyed male in front of me, his worried smile making me blink more than once to make sure I wasn't still in a dream of some sort.

"Amare." It was a whisper, almost as if he was too, making sure I was real and not just a hallucination. I hold my breath lightly, not knowing how to respond. "You are okay, you are safe."

I bite my lip as tears form in my eyes.

I release a harsh breath and continue looking at him, trying to think about this all. What I just witnessed – everything I just saw; I didn't know what to say or what to do.

I crinkle my nose and forehead, trying to speak. Trying to think – trying to comprehend.

"I-I," I pause unsure of what to say and instead try and form a coherent sentence, "I-"

His arms came around me as he leaned into me, his form swallowing me whole. I stay still, not knowing what to do as my senses overload due to the flame between us. He was warmth and soft, a mere cotton tee separating his skin from the palm of my hand, showing that he radiated a lot of heat since it was easily flowing through his clothes.

He shushes me softly, caressing my hair in a soothing manner making me close my teary eyes and hide my eyes into his shoulder. I don't move though. In fact, I stay exactly where I am. I didn't stray from my home. I stayed inside the caging arms that acted as the walls. I stayed under the sharp chin that acted as a roof; protecting me from the harsh reality which I was thrown into.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do.

I had no more plans.

I had no more motives.

I had nothing left.

I lost everything in those nightmares.

Silence envelopes him and him alone. There was no silence in my ears; no silence in my head. I couldn't contain the thoughts. Couldn't contain anything as I continued to sob, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes as horrors passed through my mind in bright eccentric flashes of pure torture.

It was all I could see. All I could hear. I couldn't focus on anything, couldn't ground myself as the world wanted – almost forced – itself to collapse into something else once more.

Until it fell quiet and all I could hear was Lucifer and his breathing. There was nothing else heard other than his shallow breathing and calming heartbeat.

"I am here Nephele." I nod my head into his chest, his shirt crinkling lightly at the motion. I let the warmth of his body comfort me; I let his presence comfort me, as the sound was taken from my head and given into his.

I knew he took the noise away. I knew he threw a blanket over the fire that raged inside my mind and took the fire that burned inside me in a silver blue flame as his own.

I only held him tighter. I didn't release him. I would never let him go again. Gods know that at any second I could cave and go under again and I didn't want to leave him again. I didn't want to be back there, I didn't want to sleep again.

I didn't let go. We both knew that we both needed it. I needed his presence as much as he needed mine. From what I saw, God's knows he needed the comfort. He needed a form of reassurance that I was alive, that I hadn't disappeared again.

And that was how we stayed; entangled in each other's arms as I continued to cry and he continued to hide his face in my loose hair.

Night had fallen and I sat on the bed, legs crossed with my clothed arms resting on Lucifer's back as he faced the door. He was working on documents, muttering things to me as he worked silently thinking I had fallen asleep on his shoulder but alas I was still awake.

It was only when the person barged through the door did he realise I was awake and had happily pushed me behind him. I obliged, not having any feelings to tell me to do otherwise.

I was hiding. I admit that much.

I was using his figure to cover me from the person who was at the door of our room despite me wearing appropriate clothing. He was alert on the bed, monitoring the person who stood in the archway of the door with numerous intentions and completely blocking me from their view. I had felt his chest tightly expand and his right arm came back to reach out to me. My heart fluttered lightly, his arm grazing my tracksuit covered leg softly, as if letting him know I would be okay and he was here.

I hadn't spoken a word to anyone since I awoke, not that there was anyone but Lucifer and the doctor with rose-pink skin that I could speak to. She had pretty eyes, and did ask me if I was feeling okay but I didn't have the mental capacity to reply in the moments when she had asked. I only nodded as she continued to check everything. What she checked specifically I had no idea, but I knew that she was thorough as I did briefly hear her conversation with Lucifer.

His hand was placed on my knee protectively. The contact dragged me from the memory and I sat a little straighter on the bed. I didn't move from my position of hiding though, and instead stayed hidden.

There was something in me that was scared of the people that walked the halls now. Something in me that warned me – told me something or more particularly, someone - in this castle wasn't right.

I now – once more – reeling in my thoughts. The blanket that had extinguished the flames for a mere few hours had faded and those intrusive thoughts returned to savagely tear apart my mind. So many things I had to plan, so many people I had to filter through. So many possibilities I had to consider.

"She isn't sleeping Lucifer, I know she is awake." It was Thanatos. I cringed at his voice.

"And?" I purse my lips at the rumble of Lucifer's chest.

"I want to see her."

"And you can fuck off." I pat the back of Lucifer's back gently, signaling that I was here and didn't want to hear the temper tantrum.

Thanatos merely laughed at Lucifer's childish behaviour.

"How about we let her decide that. She is her own human being of course and therefore should decide whether she wants to say 'hello' to me or not."

"I thought I had said you weren't to be allowed in this wing anymore? What happened to obeying my rulings Thanatos?" I can hear the ripple in the air at the topic change. Things were tense, and appeared that they had been for some time.

"Scared I'll take her away, Lucifer?" I suck in a breath and the antagonization, "Scared it'd be that easy?"

I instantly push myself past Lucifer, kneeing the soft mattress to spring myself forward. I knew that Lucifer was going to react badly to the

"That's enough Thanatos. I don't want to see you right now." I look at him, voice strong. "Leave." Surprisingly, talking wasn't as hard as I thought it would have been. In the moment it was easy.

"Ah, Nephele." There was something in his eyes that made me instantly cautious. He had to be up to something bad.

I was probably just looking too deeply into my feeling that someone bad was roaming these halls. Precautionary was fine, but I was overreacting. It was just me overthinking, right?

"I missed your smiling face." I nodded, internally rolling my eyes at him.

"Please leave Thanatos. I will come see you when I wish to." It was his turn to playfully roll my eyes.

"If you don't want me anymore, my dearest little bird?" I almost laugh at him, "I am so hurt. I will take my leave now but only because you asked so kindly." He looked at Lucifer, who's bent thigh brushed against my straight standing one as I leant against him gently. I had my arm wrapped around the back of his neck for stability. His own arm wrapped around the back of my upper thighs, forearms holding up my ass in an almost sexual manner.

His position allowed him to pull me to his side if anything was to go wrong, and it made me think that he mustn't have trusted his general. That was interesting, or was he just not trusting him now because I was here?

"I will see you at tomorrow's dinner, brother." There was a glamour in his eyes. There was a glint of something underneath – as if he knew something I didn't. I turned slightly to face Lucifer, looking for what made him like this and to see if his eyes held the same knowing as Thanatos's own did.

To my surprise, the glamour was in Lucifer's as well.

It was a stab of betrayal. Something told me that I shouldn't be hurt by it yet, but they were hiding something from me again. So, to say it didn't cause a little pain in the right side of my chest was a lie. But that didn't mean he wouldn't tell.

"I can hear your thoughts." I snap my head to Lucifer's in surprise, understanding what he meant. Of course, he could hear my thoughts – he could read my mind upon his own mere wish. I couldn't even block that feature of his yet.

"Would you like to hear it?" I nodded enthusiastically and moved away from him. Its not that I didn't feel comfortable, I just needed time.

He seemed to notice the slight flicker in my step, and falter in my eyes as I sat down on the bed away from his form. He didn't say it aloud, something which I was grateful for.

"Chaos is at the borders of Hell." I pale mentally, most likely physically realising that whilst I have been peacefully sleeping, a war was brewing on the horizon.

"Border?" I murmur absentmindedly, minding flickering between the images of death and terror that I had been a witness to mentally only hours prior.

"Her forces are rallied and she is waiting for our response. She has tried to break down the portal entrances on many occasions within the past week, but has fallen silent as of recently. She is waiting." I nod my head, knowing that I was actively analysing every detail of this.

"How large are her forces?"

"Scouts say thousands, possibly tens of thousands. Knowing her control she would have more hidden in the depths of the space-realm. It is unknown the raw power she has in this situation, and won't be known until we are knee deep in the blood of the war she is about to start." His words were cruel and harsh, a stark contrast to his calm posture.

I had to have a purpose here.

I had to be able to do something here.

That was my motive, was it not?

Was my purpose here to fight in a war that I had no choice over?

Would that be my destiny; fighting the war I was born into and potentially dying in the war I was born into?

"Why?" Without context the question made no sense. Lucifer understood though. He understands what I was asking. "Why is this a war? Why is this war centered around who has control – who has ownership of me." Why did I have to be a weapon?

I can feel his need to move closer to me. I can feel the dark aura around him as he strains himself against that primal urge to comfort me, knowing that if he did it wouldn't be any good.

"I don't know, Amare. I don't know." He responds in a hushed whisper, his voice barely an element of the air within this room that I could hear.

"Why am I the weapon to be wielded? I don't want to be someone's weapon Lucifer." A lone tear slips from my eye, falling delicately on my cheek before freezing and solidifying on its trip from my cheek to my lap.

"Don't be someone's weapon. Be your own weapon, my love." This time he pushes himself close to my side and embraces me in a warm hug. His fingers trailed dover my skin as if I was delicate china, and it didn't make me angry this time. His loving – his actions – didn't make me cringe away from him uncomfortably like they had before.

It was just then that I had the realisation that his love language was physical touch, and when he was touching me it wasn't because he needed to possess me, it was because that was his way of telling me he cared for me.

His way of saying 'I love you'.

So, I sunk into his arms and rested my chin against his shoulder with some sort of understanding, knowing what was to happen in the next few sparing moments we had until the world I had vaguely grown accustomed to fell apart.

"You are one of the most powerful beings amongst the realms Nephele. You carry power that will make anyone fall to their knees. You will make the God of Death fall to his knees, just so he could worship you the way you deserve to be worshipped. No one compares to your power amare. You are your own weapon, and you can choose how to use that power." His words made my heart swell and body throb. "I will follow whatever path you wish to pick my love. I will be by your side the whole time. Wherever you decide to go, I will hopelessly follow."

His hand rests beside my hip as I lean back with him hovering over me angelically, my head falling away from his shoulder instantly at his action. His right hand leaves a path of tenderness along the base of my neck before it intertwines itself with my golden strands of hair. His leg comes to separate my own, his strong thigh resting firmly against the part of my legs as he pushed himself onto me further.

I lick my lips, almost consciously as I continue to register what he was saying. Except I didn't have time to register any of it as his mouth came down on mine milliseconds later, leaving me gasping for the lost breath and silently melt due to the overwhelming sensations of his passion.

Our eyes continue to make contact – a connection forming, a string tying the two of us together for the rest of eternity, and one that would last the rest of the lifetimes to come. Our bodies were ablaze in that moment, warmth on warmth and nothing separating the burning heat us – nothing to put out the clash of golden red and ice blue flames that danced delicately in the air. Our minds intertwined with the snap of a bond, the cold yet comforting warmth meeting the blazing sea of red and tidal mess in an abomination of power.

He smiles into the kiss – a kiss that was worthy of the Devil Himself – before he continues to demonstrate the worship, he deems myself worthy of.

By no means were we perfect.

By no means were we ready for what was going to happen, nor ready for the aftermath of what was to occur.

By no means was I ready for anything in the next few months, and by no means was I prepared for what would be asked of me in this.

Maybe this was too quick, and maybe we were messy, and maybe there were too many strings laying in the space between us.

But I knew – I knew in that moment, when his head beat between my thighs and his body had shown me the heaven he knew – I had known what my purpose here was.

My purpose was to end this war for him - for us.

Win this war at whatever cost.

Word Count: 4200

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Hint - We are nearing the end. I have already written the last chapter and now I am filling in the chapters between. I am really proud of what I have written for the end, and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do.

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QOTC: Smut or no smut in books, that is the question.

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SONG: Numb to the Feeling - Chase Atlantic

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