Chapter 32

I don't get to talk to Noah until after school on Thursday. He offers me a ride Monday morning, but there's no way I'm going to dump my boyfriend while he drives 30 minutes out of his way to take me to school, and I honestly can't go on... pretending anymore.

And yet, that's all I seem to be doing. Pretending with Jase, with Noah, with myself...

I don't know when I realized I had feelings for Jase, maybe it was something I've known from the start of this whole mess, from the day I arrived here when he was being an absolute ass to now.

But feelings might be too strong a word. I'm attracted to him. Physically attracted. It's nothing more than the feeling I get when I look into his eyes, the chisel of his jaw as he clenches it, the way his muscular arms fill the sleeves of his t-shirt all too well.

Despite whatever I feel or don't feel for Jase... I can't just keep stringing Noah along like my back-up option, and I can't pretend to ignore the fact that as much as I like Noah, as much as he makes me content and he's respectful and kind and objectively a good kisser, I just don't... feel the spark.

"Hey, babe," Noah says, walking up behind me and yanking me out of my thoughts in a millisecond as I whirl around to face him, the sunlight of the school parking lot reflecting in his dark brown eyes. "I-uh-hi, Noah." My heart starts pounding as soon as I see him, but not in that good way, the way that sends tingles up my spine and feels like I just got struck by lightning... it's the kind of heavy pounding, the knowledge of what I have to do that's weighing on me. "Um... you know you're a great person, right?"

"I- um," Noah gives me a strange look, halfway between amusement and confusion. "Thank you?"

"And- and I've really enjoyed our time together, and trust me none of this is your fault, I just... think that maybe we aren't ri-"

"Hang on. Sienna, are you breaking up with me?" Noah asks, the shock on his face building a pit of guilt in my stomach.

Am I breaking up with Noah? Is this really what I want to do- leave the one boy who has never let me down, who's made me feel happy and wanted and whom I really like? For... something that I'll never have? Something I'm not even sure I want to have?

"No," I say quickly. "J-just kidding. I'm not breaking up with you. I want- I want to do this. I want to be together. I changed my mind."

"Are you fucking joking, Sienna?" Noah asks, and it's the first time I've heard him swear, even raise his voice. There's shock and hurt in his eyes, written between the lines between his brows- and I feel terrible knowing that I'm the one who hurt him. "You can't just half break up with me and then expect everything to be fine, Sienna. That's not how this works. God, I'm an idiot." He shakes his head, looking up at the sky like it's going to give him answers he doesn't have.

"You're not an idiot, Noah."

"Yes I am," Noah says, looking back down at me. "You- you really had me fooled, Sienna. All this time I thought that we were good, that I was the one you wanted. I've spent two months trying to convince myself that you didn't like Turner- but it's always been him, hasn't it? You were just stringing me along for backup."

It stings how bitter his tone is, how obvious I've apparently been, how much I just hurt him. "Noah... this isn't about Jase, I promise."

"BS. Just admit it, you've been in love with him since I met you."

"I am NOT in love with Jase!" I yell, not caring that my voice carries across the parking lot. There's no one to hear me right now, anyways. "This has nothing to do with him- it's about me and you. And I just... don't think we're the right fit for each other anymore."

And it's the truth, I realize all of a sudden. Jase or no Jase, I like Noah. A lot. He's everything I'd ever want on paper, he's kind, considerate, sensible, generous... safe.

But maybe safety isn't what I need anymore.

"I'm sorry," I say finally, my words quiet as I look at the ground. "I wish... I could feel differently, Noah. But I can't."

"Whatever." That's the last word I hear come out of Noah's mouth before I hear the sound of footsteps growing fainter.

When I finally look up, Noah's gone and I'm just stranded in the parking lot alone, tears streaming down my face.

---

Oh, and another little fun thing about today? Apparently all the buses have stopped running for service inspections. And it's a record heat wave for Virginia- 60 degrees in February.

Fan-flipping-tastic.

At least I know why Seraphina decided to hold her party today. She probably figured that wearing giant coats wouldn't exactly enhance her party look.

Speaking of party look... what the hell am I supposed to wear to this thing? I have the dress my mother bought me for the Turner's garden party, but it seems a little... formal for this, the thick A-line skirt not matching the vibe, I'm sure. Plus, these people never wear anything twice.

But all that leaves my mind when, slightly sweat drenched from walking all the way home in my thick sweatshirt, I make my way inside, up the stairs and into my room-

Only to find Jase casually lounging on my bed.

"What the hell do you want and what are you doing in my room?" I ask Jase, trying to keep the annoyance out of my tone. "I'm really not in the mood for any of your games tonight, Jase."

"Hang on," he says with a smirk, sitting up. "Does that mean you've changed your mind about the party? Because if you're not in the mood for me, I doubt you'll be in the mood for 40 rich-"

"Oh, will you shut up already? Or at least tell me why you're here?" I snap, slamming the door behind me. "I'm going to this party no matter what, okay? I'm not as pure and innocent as you think I am."

No need to mention how terrified I am. I'm going to a party at a club with a bunch of rich, privileged teenagers I barely know. Like that couldn't go wrong. This might actually be the least safe thing I've ever done in my life.

But once again... I'm not sure I want safe anymore.

"Wow, Little Red. That was... quite the welcome. I'm so glad I came in here, since-"

"Are you trying to be a jerk?" I ask, the words leaving my mouth before I can think about them. I'm just... sick of this. Sick of the fact that I just broke up with the most perfect, kind, incredible guy because I just couldn't feel for him what I feel for this self-centered, privileged asshole. Not to mention condescending. I mean 'Little Red?' Am I five years old?

Jase sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Fine. Sienna Brown. Whatever."

"Will you please tell me what the hell you're doing in my room."

"Oh, you know, just admiring the..." he points to the carvings on my bed with a slightly confused chuckle, "...demons?"

"Cherubs, actually. I told you, they're horrifying. I feel like they're watching me when I sleep and I'm going to wake up to one wielding a knife-"

Mad. I'm supposed to be mad. Not nervously rambling about cherubs. "Seriously, Jase, what are you doing here?"

"I told you, I'm befriending the cherubs," he says casually, a lazy smirk flickering across his expression. "And... open your closet door."

"What did you do...?" I ask apprehensively, walking over to the door of my closet, half expecting to find it filled with snakes.

"Stop being so suspicious, Red, I can be nice sometimes. Just open it."

And so I do.

To find, hanging up on one of the hooks of the door, a dress.

But not just any dress. A dress with a price tag still stuck to it... with an amount large enough to make my jaw drop. I have trouble buying a dress for $20, but this... this is insane. My hand slowly travels to the dress itself, to the soft white fabric, the way it already hangs like it's going to make me look amazing.

"How- why?" I ask, the words sounding far away and removed, oh-too-soft.

"I mean..." Jase starts, and I can see his shrug as I turn back to him. "I thought white would be your color. Do you like it?"

Do I like it? Is that even a question?

"Jase... it's beautiful. But we both know I can't accept this. It's- it's too much."

"Of course you can accept it. It's yours."

"Jase, really..."

He just sighs, leaning back on (MY) bed like it's his own. "Please. Accept it. Consider this your... tip. From that day at the diner when Chrissa got syrup in your hair."

"Unless you were planning to give me a three-hundred-dollar tip, then no."

"Red." He looks at me, and for a second I'm shocked by how serious he is, those cerulean eyes seeming to look all the way into my soul. "Honestly."

"No."

"I mean... you'll be saving my ass, not just yours. If I want people to not question why I'm bringing little Sienna Brown to one of Seraphina's parties, you have to at least dress the part."

Right. So this is about him- as usual.

"Hang on a second- since when do you know my dress size?"

He shrugs. "I mean, Chrissa did help me."

"Chrissa?" I ask incredulously, putting a hand on my hip. "Please. Didn't you just... you know, dump her? And then tell me that she was terrible and manipulative and always has an agenda?"

"I mean... she does," Jase says, and the slightly sheepish smirk on his face makes me want to smack him with a pillow. "Doesn't mean she's not helpful sometimes. Plus, Chrissa and I have both just decided that... we're better as friends than enemies."

Why is that sending a flash of jealousy down my spine?

"I'm still not taking the dress."

Jase finally gets up from the bed, giving me one last final wink before opening the door. "It's non-negotiable. Plus, I already removed the tags."

Yes, well, you forgot to remove the damn price tag.

---

I try not to think about how absolutely terrifying this is the entire time I get ready. I don't think about it while I dance around my room to old 2000s songs like this is a makeover scene in a movie, I don't think about it as I painstakingly flat iron every inch of my bright red hair until it hangs below my waist, like a smooth pillar of fire. I don't think about it as I draw a wing with my black liquid liner (thank you, Youtube!) or as I clasp a small pendant around my neck. I don't even think about it as I put the dress on- instead smiling at the way the long sleeved, bodycon white dress makes me look... older, more adult, while also hugging my soft curves and making them even more noticable, the carefully designed cutouts on the left side of my waist exposing just the barest amount of skin, the shortness of the dress making my legs look longer- something I desperately need. I don't even think about how stupid of an idea this is as I spritz Vanilla Sugar perfume on myself or strap my feet into the tall black heels I'm wearing.

I don't feel nervous for a second until Jase calls my name and I step out into the hallway-

And his eyes go wide. "I-uh- R-Red. H-hi." He steps backwards, apparently not realizing that he's on a staircase, and he loses his balance, toppling backwards and falling on his butt.

"Jase!" I yell, clapping a hand to my mouth as I run down the stairs the best I can in three-inch heels, but by the time I get there, he's raising his hand in a thumbs-up and moving to sit up, a grin on his face.

"Wow. Absolute grace right there," I say sarcastically. "Are we really sure that I'm the clumsy one?"

"Oh, shut up," he says, jokingly whacking me with the back of his hand- though it's so light, it's almost like a brush, and it makes my core tighten up, warmth filling me where his fingertips touched.

And the laugh seems to fade from his face the same second it fades from mine... his gaze becoming serious, almost fiery, like he's in deep concentration.

Except he's looking at me.

The knock on the door shakes me out of my daze, and Jase practically jumps up from where he was still half-sitting, half-laying on the staircase. "What are you waiting for, Red? Let's go to a party."

A/N: Whooo! Y'all don't usually see me this day of the week, do you?

In case you missed my most recent announcement, I'm now (attempting) to switch my posting schedule to Tuesdays and Fridays instead of Mondays. I'm doing this because I want to finish this book before the end of May, but I'm a lot less motivated to write if I don't feel like it's pREssiNg (but then somehow I literally wrote this chapter in a day?)

Also, I know this chapter was a teensy little bit filler, but we're SO CLOSE to-

Someone needs to get me to stop before I SPOIL MY OWN STORY. Please send help.

Love y'all and get ready for Tuesday when I have a (hopefully more exciting and less terrible) update for you guys!

Also... I just wanted to say thank you all for so much continued support. I know a read or a vote or a comment doesn't mean much to you, but it makes me INCREDIBLY happy to see you all enjoying/engaging with this!! So thank you all, you're amazing 💕

See you soon!

-LZZZ