Chapter 3

Okay... Maybe E.J. was right. Maybe he should be the one drinking lots of coffee, because I am struggling my ass off to stay awake on this bus and the scenery isn't nearly what I thought it would be. I hate flying, but all of a sudden I am thinking that maybe I should have opted for a plane ticket, rather than a thirteen hour drive all the way to New York, and who knows how slow this bus is actually going and how many stops it will eventually make. We have only been on it for two hours and I am moody and tired, and they have stopped twice already, wasting a massive half an hour of the trip.

"You've barely spoken to me since we got onto the bus," I hear E.J. complain.

That's not entirely true, but he has been probing quite a bit and I have been trying my best to avoid any questions that could be too serious. Like why the fuck we are actually on this trip to nowhere.

I sigh.

"E.J... Please... If we're gonna talk, I need to lay down some rules." I look at his puzzled face, knowing full well how my words must sound to him. "Look... We can talk. About anything. Just not why we are on this trip or where we are going. The one I can't answer you in any case since I don't have the faintest idea where we are going. As for the 'why' that you want... Let's just put it like this; I would just like to live once before I die."

E.J. looks at me a while before he answers.

"You don't have cancer or something like that? You're not gonna die on me?"

"God no!" I say a bit too loud, making the elderly lady in front of me look over her seat with a frown before she turns her head back to the front.

"Good. Because this is starting to sound like a badly written John Green novel," E.J. says. "And I am not a fan of the epic, sad, tragic books. I've already had enough of that for one lifetime."

And just like that I regret ever bringing E.J. on this trip, because I know that this is one of those trips. One of those that will turn out sad and tragic. But if all goes according to plan, E.J. will long be off this little tour of mine before I get to number ten on my list. He will not be there when I finally end it all. That will be my moment. My moment alone.

"I don't like to read, so I don't get your references," I say just because it is something to say, but I do get his reference because everyone has seen the movie.

"Yeah well... So if those subjects are off the table then why did you invite me along?" he asks.

I look at E.J. He has changed so much since we were in the hospital together. I would have never taken him for someone that would dress all punk rock, but somehow he has pulled of the torn baggy jeans and the oversized t-shirts nicely. It actually suits him down to the dog collar he wears around his neck. Even his hair looks good, even though he has a bit of an Adam Lambert hairstyle going on which seems to not completely suit his outfit but completely suits him. I could almost see what Chris might be seeing in him.

"You changed a lot," I say without actually answering his question, because it's another question I can't answer because I don't know why I asked him to come with me. I just know that something inside me needed him here with me on this trip.

"I needed to," he answers reaching down to his bag and taking his phone out. He checks it and puts it in his jeans pocket.

"We both changed since the day we met," I answer. I don't want to tell him how much I have changed though. I don't think E.J. would like to hear the story about how I'm not exactly the best candidate for plastic surgery, and more than that, that the money that my mom left me wouldn't be nearly enough to cover the costs if I could get a better doctor to actually do the surgery. I can't tell him that I changed from being one of the most positive people on the planet to someone who hates myself every second more that I am on this earth. That I want to die and get it over with.

"I'm surprised you didn't see how much I changed last week already," E.J. replies, cocking his head to the side a bit, almost resting it on my shoulder. It's better talking to him this way. Much less intimidating when he isn't watching me. I know it's wrong in a way but knowing what he has been through and seeing how strong he is still standing makes me feel ashamed about the way I am feeling.

"I did. I just wanted to not say anything. Wanted to catch up first," I answer glancing down at his hair. I feel like I want to hug him into me. Keep him safe. I also know that if I ever did that he would pull away from me and we would never be friends again. After everything E.J. has been through he likes being independent. He hates other people trying to protect him. I've learned that by watching Chris made that mistake once too many times.

"There's a reason why I came with you..." E.J. says and then pauses in which he draws in air like he is going to say a lot. "I need to get my head on straight again."

I expect him to say more, but he stays silent, his head resting just a little bit more onto my shoulder and I think about telling him to go to sleep, but knowing how much coffee he has already consumed I guess that would be wasted words.

"Chris called me yesterday," I mention. I try to keep it casually, but I know it's not really the lightest matter. I didn't want to tell E.J. but I don't want us going on this trip with more secrets than what are truly necessary.

"That's not news. He told me he was going to call you," E.J. sighs getting even a little bit more comfortable on my shoulder, making me want to put my arm around him even more.

"So you know what it was all about?" I ask, trying my best not to sound like I was shocked by what Chris told me.

"The text I sent him?" E.J. asks.

"Yeah... He said you told him that you might be gay and now he wants me to talk to you about giving him another chance," I say through gritted teeth. Obviously I wasn't very nice toward Chris. I also don't believe a word he says. He is one of those guys who would really do anything to get with E.J. I wouldn't put rape past him to be honest. Maybe I'm reading him wrong, and maybe I shouldn't be judging, but there's just something about him I really don't like.

"I hope you told him no," he answers. He doesn't at the least sound annoyed even. Chris phoning my friends would have made me break his nose.

"Off course I did. I barely gave him time to speak. I don't even know how he got my number," I say, trying to keep my voice even before I get another death stare from the old grey hound sitting in front of me. "Don't worry, I didn't believe a word he said."

"You should have. It's true. I really did send that message," E.J. answers and this time he pulls back from my shoulder and looks me straight in the eyes.

"So you told him that you might be gay?" and this time I can't hide the shock. If what happened to E.J. ever happened to me I would never want a guy anywhere near me ever again. I wouldn't even be comfortable enough to rest my head on his shoulder. But then again, I have never been as brave as E.J. had to be.

"I think so... I mean yes... I did send that text," he says running his hand through his hair. I saw him do this a million times in the hospital. Every single time before his mom came to visit or before the doctor or psychologist came to him. It's his nervous tick. It's the way I always knew to make a joke and make things feel a bit lighter for him.

"So does that mean..?" I don't want to say the word. I don't want to slap a label on E.J. and I don't as hell want this to become weird either. I want things to stay like they are.

"Chris is the only gay guy I actually know. Like in know... I wanted to know from him what it really felt like for him to be gay. Like I told you, I am going on this trip with you to get my head straight," E.J. says so seriously that I am wondering if he doesn't have his own bucket list hidden somewhere.

"So you're not sure yet?" I ask.

"I dated a girl a while back. She was pretty. Really pretty. But I just didn't feel anything at all. So I tried watching porn... Like in straight porn. It just... It didn't turn me on at all," E.J. says. I can see a bit of a blush forming on his cheeks. He must have been holding this in for quite some time.

"Did you try some gay porn?" I ask. I know this must be such a weird conversation if we were being overheard, but I am trying my best to be as supportive as possible.

"Yeah... And that's where the problem comes in... I didn't get turned on by that either. It actually just brought back... memories..." he says. It looks like he wants to cry and I want so badly to put my arms around him, but again, I know that will probably just push him away.

"So... Maybe you're asexual," I offer a suggestion, but that seems to make it worse as tears start to form in his eyes.

"No... It's not that... Brody... I actually think... No, I'm sure I'm gay..." E.J. says letting a tear slip from his eye, all of a sudden again looking like the scared boy I met that very first night in the hospital. The one who tried to stay strong up to a point but who was broken on the inside.

I breathe in and out for three whole breaths before I answer him. I try to collect my thoughts as best I can.

"Then what's the problem? I won't judge. You know me. I never judge. If you think you're gay, that's awesome bro," I say and this time I actually do reach out and put my hand on top of his, showing my support and trying my best to make him understand that nothing in our friendship has to change just because he's not straight.

"But that's the whole problem," E.J. says just a little bit too loud making the lady in the seat in front of us turn around in her seat again. Luckily E.J. doesn't notice when I give her a death stare which makes her turn back in her seat. I mean, sure, have respect for your elders, but this is public transformation, not the library.

"I really do think I'm gay, but I will never be able to have someone in my life. I will never have a boyfriend I think... If I am gay it means I will always be alone," E.J. says and I wish I could say something to take his fears away. I struggle with the same ones. I think every person struggles with it. That idea that's somehow stuck in your head that you will never find someone and that you will die alone. I think I am one of the rare cases who made peace with that idea and is happy to be alone until the very end.

"You don't understand. I watched gay porn and it just brought back bad memories..." he says and I can see how hard he is trying not to actually cry. "I find guys damn attractive. I want to be with a guy, but I can never be with a guy. At some point he will want more than just cuddling a bit here and there. He will want to kiss, and touch... and eventually he will want more and it would be unfair of me to expect any guy not to want that. But I can never have that. I never want that."

"Dude..." I say not really knowing what else to say, but then it comes to me. "Any guy who would expect that of you isn't worth having you. And it's awesome that you don't want them to be in that position, but maybe you will find someone. Someone that will love you without sex. Sex is not love. It will never be. I can promise you that. And maybe, someday you will love a guy so much and trust him so much that you might want to have sex with him and it won't bring back bad memories because your love for him would be too strong."

"I hope you're right," E.J. answers with a slight smile appearing on his face. "I really hope you're right."

For the first time since I have met him he leans into me and then he hugs me and my arms go around him as well, pulling him close enough so that I can smell the strawberry flavoured shampoo he washes his hair with.

"You deserve everything you wish for," I whisper to him and I wonder if I might have reached the first number on my bucket list.

1. Love someone.