If You Love Me: Chapter 17

I follow it with a picture of an oversized bathtub filled with bubbles and rose petals. It’s the tub we spent a glorious hour engaging in the most torturous, incredible foreplay before I carried Lexi—soapy and needy—back to bed, where I fucked three orgasms out of her.

It’s been sixteen days, seven hours, and five minutes since we shared that kiss at the holiday party, and I can’t stop thinking about it—or every single other kiss, touch, and sensual moment we’ve ever had.

Lexi responds a minute later with an image of apple slices and caramel sauce. That weekend started my green apple addiction. That’s when I learned exactly how much of a pleaser she is, and how amazing her sweet mouth felt when she was trying to swallow my entire cock, like a good girl.

Waiting for the season to end is increasingly challenging. If it was just sexual chemistry, it might be fine. But it’s so much more than that. When she’s in the room, my eyes are on her. We’re on the ice together constantly.

She’s smart, driven, and has quickly gained the respect of the team. Watching her confidence blossom as she leads this team is inspiring. I’m falling more for her every day. For her take-no-shit attitude on the ice, the soft moments when she gives a player a pep talk, the woman who has lost so much and puts everything she has left into her sisters, and the friend my daughter and the rest of the girls have embraced so wholly.

She would fit seamlessly into my life and world, and it’s the most unreal mindfuck to be frozen like this. That we’re adults with a history doesn’t matter. Should something happen now, she’d forever be the assistant coach who was involved with one of her players.

Even if we don’t make it to the playoffs, I have another four months of limbo ahead of me. I could retire early. It’s not the first time I’ve rolled this possibility over in my head.

Lexi is unaccustomed to asking for help, let alone accepting it. But it doesn’t mean I have to sit back and let her drown in the difficulty of it all. I know what it means to miss the people you love during the holidays.

I work out, manage some paperwork, call my mom who’s on a cruise with one of her cousins for the holidays, and read some of the documentation Hollis sent me about the Hockey Academy. It’s an increasingly attractive retirement option. Early in the afternoon, I place an order for all of Peggy’s favorite things from our favorite Thai restaurant. I’m a glutton for punishment.

My phone chimes with new messages.

A picture of a smiling Peggy follows. She looks happy and beautiful and like she’s having a great time with Hollis’s family.

The invitation is enticing. But this is their first Christmas as a couple. I’ve spent more than enough holidays with Hollis’s family over the years. Every other Christmas, Peggy would visit her mom and I’d go to Niagara with Hollis. But they need the opportunity to create their own traditions. And I need to step back and give them the space to do that, even though it’s hard. We’ll celebrate when they return.

I slide my feet into a pair of boots, shrug into my winter jacket, pull on a toque, and head out to pick up my Thai. Light snow blankets the sidewalk. The streetlights are decorated with twinkling white lights and holly garland. Couples walk arm in arm, smiling and laughing. Businessmen rush down the street, laden with bags.

The familiar lightning bolt of loneliness strikes me. I’ve spent my whole adult life focused on Peggy and hockey, unwilling to put anyone else in front of her. I couldn’t let someone else into my heart when I believed my daughter needed it the most.

I open the door to the Thai restaurant. Usually I find the rich scents comforting, but today it hits differently. This has been our tradition since Peggy came to live with me a decade and a half ago. The holidays were too quiet when she was living with her mom. When it was my year with her, we ate takeout on Christmas Eve and opened our stockings before bed. I still have a ton of presents waiting for her when she and Hollis get back. I’m beginning to understand why Peggy keeps pushing me to date. Spending the holidays alone is pretty fucking shitty.

The bell over the door tinkles, and I glance back to find Connor Grace brushing snow off his shoulders. He’s polished and tailored, apart from the ball cap pulled low, the bill covering his face. I knew he lived somewhere around here, but I’m still surprised to see him. I assumed he’d be with family for the holidays. Or at the very least, his grandmother.

“Hey.”

He startles, but when he realizes it’s me, his shoulders come down from his ears. “Oh, hey, Roman. Picking up dinner for the fam?”

“Just for me,” I reply. “How about you?”

His eyebrows rise. “Uh, same. Where’s Hammer?”

“In Niagara with Hollis’s family.” I tuck my hands into my pockets.

“Ah.” He nods. “That must be a change.”

He’s a perceptive kid. “Yeah. It’s their first Christmas together. I want them to have time with Hollis’s family.”

“Makes sense.” He shakes the snow off his ball cap. “Can’t be easy, though.”

I shrug. “It’s an adjustment.” After this season, my entire life will be an adjustment. Dad life? She doesn’t need me like she used to. Hockey? I’ll be retired. I need to make some decisions on what’s next so I’m not completely untethered.

The door tinkles again. This time a woman wearing a burgundy knitted toque, complete with pompom and matching scarf that covers all but her eyes, joins us. She tilts her head when she sees us. For a moment I think we’ve found ourselves a Terror fan, but then she unravels the scarf.

“Dred?”

“Roman! Hey!” Her face lights up and then shifts to wary curiosity when she sees Connor. “And Grace. You’re an unlikely pair.”

“We’re not together,” Connor explains.

She makes a noise but doesn’t comment further. “Looks like I’m not the only one who loves Christmas Eve Thai takeout.”

The woman who runs the restaurant appears with three bags. “Sorry for the wait!”

We all murmur a variation of no problem, and Connor reaches for the bag with tamarind curry at the same time as Dred.

“Oh! Sorry!” Dred yanks her hand back and grips both ends of her scarf.

Connor raises both hands. “My fault. I think we ordered the same thing.”

We all peer at the receipts. The order is exactly the same, down to the sticky rice and mango salad sides.

“Huh.” Dred picks up her bag and returns her attention to me. “I thought Hammer was in Niagara for Christmas Eve.”

“She is.” I grab my bag.

“So you’re on your own?” Dred presses.

“Yup.”

She looks to Connor. “And you?”

“Same.”

“Me too. We’re quite the trio of misfits, aren’t we?”

“Why aren’t you with your family?” Connor asks.

For a moment I feel bad. He doesn’t know Dred or her history.

“I don’t have any.” She says this like she’s giving a weather report.

“Shit. I’m sorry.” He adjusts the brim of his hat.

“My parents were drug addicts, so I doubt Christmas would be all that enjoyable if they were still alive.” She makes a face. “Oh my God. Sorry. Neither of you needed to know that.”

“It’s legit though,” Connor replies.

“Mmm… And why are you solo on Christmas Eve?” Dred quickly shifts the focus away from her.

“My parents took my sisters and grandmother on vacation for the holidays and didn’t tell me until last night, when they were already in Cabo,” Connor says. “Not that it’s the same, but still unfortunate.”

If I didn’t know he was the heir to a hotel chain, I might have assumed his family were long gone like Dred’s too. Whenever they ask about his dad in interviews, he pivots or walks out.

“Yikes. That’s rough.” Dred and Connor look to me.

“My dad’s been gone for a long time, and my mom and her cousin are on a cruise so the holidays hurt less for her.” Apparently I feel like sharing today, too. “You can both come back to my place, if you want.”

“You allowed to be in the same room as me?” Connor asks Dred.

She laughs. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

“I like my teeth where they are, so your secret is safe with me.”

“Come on, kids. It’s misfits’ Christmas Eve at my place.”

We grab our food and pile into Connor’s sports car, with poor Dred crammed in the tiny back seat eating her knees. I offered her the front, but she just laughed and said no. A handful of minutes later, we’re back at my place, gathered at my dining room table.

“We should have invited Lexi and the girls,” Dred says as she uses chopsticks to move half the mango salad to her plate.

“Callie has a hockey party tonight,” I say without thinking.

Dred lifts an eyebrow, like she’s surprised I know this. “Of course she does. That girl lives and breathes hockey.”

“She is so fucking adorable,” Connor says. “And she has great taste in hockey players.”

“Of course you’d say that,” I tease. “But she is adorable.”

“She has the chops for the Hockey Academy, if she keeps it up,” Connor adds.

“She’s an excellent goalie, from what I’ve seen,” Dred agrees.

I set my fork down. It’s an opportunity I can’t pass up. “I have a question about the Hockey Academy.”

Connor pokes at his mango salad, a flush working its way up his neck. “They have a great program, and it got me out of my parents’ hair for the summer. It worked out well for all of us. Especially them.”

“You were there at the same time as Madden, Bright, and Stiles, right?”

“Yup.” He pops a bite of mango salad into his mouth.

“What’s the deal with you and Madden’s sandwich?”

Dred nearly spit-sprays her wine across the table. As it is, Connor chokes on his food. Dred is out of her chair between one blink and the next, ready to take action.

Connor holds up his hand. “I’m fine.” He coughs twice more. “Did Madden say something to you?”

I shake my head.

Connor rolls his eyes to the ceiling, the tips of his ears bright red. “Why can’t I escape my past?”

“You have to deal with it to get past it,” Dred replies.

For someone in her early twenties, she sure is self-aware.

Connor sighs. “Everyone loved Madden at the Hockey Academy. Everyone always loves Madden. Even when he does questionable shit. I was an asshole with a chip on my shoulder, and he was the golden boy. No one was ever going to be on my side.”

“Have you tried to have a conversation?” Dred asks.

“What’s the point? He’ll believe what he wants. Doesn’t matter if it’s the truth or a lie.” He pushes his chair back from the table. “I’m going to go.”

“Please don’t,” Dred says softly. “Roman isn’t trying to corner you. We just want to understand. But we can drop it, can’t we?” She gives me an imploring look.

“Yeah. Absolutely. Sorry I brought it up.”

“It’s just… The Hockey Academy is what got me here, but the road wasn’t easy. If it means I’m forever the villain, then that’s what I’ll be.” He picks up his chopsticks.

“Noted. Leaving it alone.” I change the subject. “What are everyone’s plans for tomorrow?”

“I’m planning to stop by Lexi’s with gifts for her and the girls at some point.” Dred points a chopstick at each of us. “What about you two?”

“More of this.” I point to my takeout. “Peggy and Hollis aren’t coming back until Boxing Day.”

“I plan to binge the Die Hard movies while drinking all day tomorrow and be hungover on Boxing Day,” Connor says.

Day drinking alone on Christmas sounds like the opposite of a good time. Being alone with Lexi will test my willpower. But if I have company…

“Could you put that plan on hold until later in the day?” I ask.

“I mean, it’s a pretty depressing plan, so I’m up for alternatives,” Connor replies.

“Great. I have an idea for Lexi and the girls, but I need both of you to pull it off.” I look to Dred.

“Whatever it is, I’m in,” Dred says. “Especially if it means we can make the holidays better for Lexi.”