Chapter 13

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Caroline. Sawyer. Justin. They were all so incredibly frustrating, but none of them was stupid. That title fell to me. I was naïve to think any part of this night would go without drama. And I was stupid to believe I'd get through it without incident. In fact, there'd been multiple.

I had to get out of there before my overwhelmed mind combusted. Now I wandered aimlessly around Sydney Harbour in my thin, silk dress, letting the cool of the winter night sooth my raging emotions.

There were plenty of partygoers out tonight, stumbling from one club to another before lockout. The women all wore tight or short dresses. The alcohol coursing through their veins likely kept them warm. I crossed my arms and rubbed them, hoping to steal away some of the chill with friction.

I was riling from my conversation with Caroline. Not that it was a conversation, for the most part; it was more me telling her off for a lifetime of undeserved pain. I wasn't sure if she deserved it or not, regardless of her regret and empathy. She broke my dad's heart and there was no forgiving that.

Then there was Justin and Sawyer. Deep down I knew they wouldn't get along. That's why I'd been so worried about them being in the same place tonight. But again, I'd been stupid to let this even happen. I knew it would blow up somehow.

My phone buzzed relentlessly in my purse, but I left it there, still needing time to calm down. It was probably Sawyer. We'd arrived together tonight, and I'd just taken off. He'd be worried. But I couldn't get the look on his face out of my mind. He was mad, and he needed time to calm down as well.

"Ellie!"

I turned at the call of my name and Justin approached at a slow jog.

I kept walking, not sure I could deal with him either.

"Ellie, wait a minute." He stepped up beside me and I stopped to face him. "You're mad," he stated, eyes glancing over me as I tightened my arms across my chest. Yes, I was mad, and I had every right to be.

He started unbuttoning his suit jacket. "What are you doing?" I asked, even though I knew exactly what he was doing. Despite his choice of words in his argument with Sawyer, he was usually a gentleman.

Justin shook off his jacket. "You've got goosebumps," he said, not taking his eyes off me.

I shrugged, even though he was right and my goosebumps had goosebumps. "But you'll be cold."

That amused him. "I've got long sleeves, I'll be fine," he said, wrapping his jacket around my shoulders and pulling the collar up under my neck. I held onto it and wondered if taking a sniff would be too creepy. Was it weird that I enjoyed his scent wrapping around me more than the actual warmth the jacket provided?

An awkward silence ensued as we watched groups around us pass by joking and laughing with ease. Last weekend, we'd been with a group of friends having a good time just like that. Now we stood here uncomfortably, and I was afraid to open my mouth for fear of what I'd say.

After what seemed like forever, but was only a minute or so, Justin broke the silence. "I'm sorry," he apologised, eyes as sincere as his tone.

I had to look away. The anger still simmered, as it should, and I knew looking at him would just soothe those feelings. I had to stay mad, at least for a little while. "You should be," I murmured, looking down at my feet. They were slowly turning purple in the chilly air.

Justin took a step closer and spoke in a low voice. "I know I have no excuse for what I said."

Screw it! I looked up him, hoping my demeanour made up for my small stature. He was far taller, but I had a point to make. "You implied Sawyer only slept with me to climb the corporate ladder. That that's all I'm worth."

"That was not my intention at all, and you know that." His shoulders slumped right in front of me, and his eyes seemed desperate. Good! He knew he'd done wrong.

Then, just as quickly as my own emotions changed, his tone switched from apologetic to irritated. "You could have said you had a boyfriend."

I shook my head, looking away again. "Sawyer isn't my boyfriend."

"He sure acts like it," he stated in disbelief. I had to wonder what Sawyer had told him before I arrived. Justin knew we'd slept together, but to what extent did Sawyer reveal our arrangement?

"That's not an excuse for what you said."

"I know that." His shoulders sunk further but he shook his head, the irritation obvious. "I just let him get under my skin."

I kept my eyes trained on a guy giving a girl a piggyback ride along the water's edge as I replied. At least they were having fun tonight. "You still said it."

Justin took another step closer and placed a warm finger under my chin. He tipped my face up gently so I had to look at him for his next words. "And I really am sorry." Looking into his eyes, I knew my earlier fears were accurate. He could soothe me in a single moment. It was some weird superpower of his. "I'm an arsehole," he grinned.

I couldn't help the smile. "Yeah, you are."

We stood like that for another moment. How could this night go so wrong? And after everything, how could we end up like this, standing together in a near-embrace as if nothing had happened?

Justin broke the silence of our moment. "You're buzzing," he said, taking his warmth from my face.

We were so close that my hand, the one holding onto my purse, was pressed between us. He could feel the vibration of my phone through the fabric.

I reluctantly took a step back. It had been going off for a while. When I took it out to check my notifications, I saw three missed calls and five messages from Sawyer. He may have been angry, but he was always concerned. He wanted to know where I'd gone, and I was reminded that I'd come here with him tonight. I glanced up at Justin, who watched me with glistening eyes, before I tapped out a single message to tell Sawyer that I was clearing my head and I was fine.

Putting my phone back in my purse, I pushed the guilt down. I just needed a little while longer. "Can we walk for a little while?"

Justin gave me his lazy smile and nodded. We set off at a dawdle around the harbour without a word.

Despite the chill, it was a beautiful night. The sky was clear and the water was sparkling with the lights of the city surrounding it. We walked all the way to the Sydney Opera House where the Opera Bar, beneath the sails of the historic building, was pumping.

We walked to the furthest entrance, away from the loud music and the most enthusiastic drinkers, to sit on the concrete bench overlooking the Harbour Bridge.

Not having spoken since we started walking, I had a lot of time to think and calm down about other events of the night.

"I saw Caroline," I admitted quietly, looking over the water.

Justin turned his body so that we were facing each other. He spoke carefully when he asked, "What happened?"

"I sort of yelled at her in the bathroom." At least I could speak calmly when I thought about it now. Inside, I cringed at my behaviour. Regardless of my feelings, yelling at someone in a public bathroom, whoever they were, wasn't a nice thing to do. Oh, how I hoped no one had overheard. Looking back on things now, I was embarrassed enough.

"It must have been difficult for you." The wind blew as he spoke, and I pulled the jacket tighter to my chest. Justin placed an arm around me and rubbed my back gently, using the friction to help warm me.

I was so distracted by his touch that I almost forget what I was going to say. "I was just so angry. I think she cried." I'd seen the tears in her eyes. At the time, I didn't think my words were all that harsh, but looking back, I could see the expression on her face. I'd hurt her. Maybe she deserved it, maybe she didn't. I had no idea anymore.

"I don't think she'd blame you," Justin said. It was like he could read my mind, like he knew exactly what I'd been thinking. It was another superpower of his. He just had this innate ability to understand me. Or maybe he was just observant, and I was terrible at hiding my feelings.

"Has she ever said anything to you about..." I didn't know how to finish my question, but again, he seemed to understand.

He shook his head gently. "Not really, but I imagine she has a lot of regret. I think she still has a photo album of you from when you were little."

I didn't know what to think about that. It was surprising, yet it made sense. My dad kept an old album of family photos that were once proudly displayed in our home. They now sat in the back of a cupboard in his office. I'd come home one morning after a sleepover at Sascha's to find him passed out on the couch, half a bottle of scotch on the coffee table next to the open album. Back then, I had the urge to tear up those photos, or burn them, but couldn't bring myself to touch them. Dad kept them for a reason, and I couldn't take them away from him.

I looked out over the water. It was so still and calm, a stark contrast to the feelings welling inside me. "There's been too many years of hurt. And then there's Dad as well. I don't know if I can ever let it go."

"No one says you have to," Justin said, still wary of his words. "You can't change the past and you don't have to pretend things never happened, but do you think it might be easier for you if you tried?" It was difficult to be sure, but I thought I heard a spark of hope in his voice.

I turned back to him. "Forgive but not forget?"

He shrugged. "Something like that."

"I don't know." The mere thought of forgiving Caroline felt like blasphemy. Maybe I wasn't ready to deal with this. "I think I'm still too worked up. Can we talk about something else?"

More silence, and thankfully, it wasn't awkward. My mind was overloaded, and I couldn't think of other things to say. Justin seemed to be in a world of his own too, but eventually offered a new course of conversation.

His attempt at warming me up with friction paused as he moved in closer. Our legs pressed together, and I could feel his warmth, even through two layers of fabric. He leant down, causing our cheeks to touch, as well. I relished the searing pleasure his left against my cold skin. "Have I mentioned how stunning you are?"

When he pulled back, he didn't go far. His ability to make me forget all the bad things going on was still astounding. "You might have mentioned it," I said, almost breathlessly.

The intensity in his eyes was enthralling. "You always look good, Ellie-bean."

"Stop," I giggled, pushing his chest. He didn't budge.

"Take the compliment," he smirked.

I rolled my eyes, but inside, my heart was doing that thing it liked to do whenever Justin was around. I'd gotten used to it now and barely noticed, but apparently times like this were exceptions. "Thank you," I said, not really knowing how to reply. He was being forward, like he wasn't worried about what I'd think. I wondered what it felt like to be that confident. "Did I mention how good you look as well?"

He shrugged, and it seemed to bring him closer. "You might have mentioned it." His smirk grew.

"The new haircut suits you, by the way." I felt a little shy admitting it, but he really did look good. The shorter sides and longer top accentuated his already dazzling cheekbones. He was nice to look at.

"Oh yeah, you like it?" He licked his lips as he pushed a hand through his hair. I couldn't look away.

"Maybe." Then I did something completely unexpected. I reached up and pushed back some fly away strands that had come loose.

When I realised what I was doing and pulled away, Justin grabbed my wrist and held it between us. My pounding heart felt like it might jump right out of my chest. Was he going to kiss me? Did he want to? Did I want to?

We weren't given the chance to find out. A push on my back forced me out of the moment and I spun to see a guy throwing his guts up over the barrier, aiming for the water.

I jumped further into Justin's arms. "Ugh, that's disgusting," I gagged, scuttling across his lap to get as far away from the horrible stench as I could.

Justin turned with me on his lap to put his body between me and the intruder. "Are you alright?"

A few metres away, some drunken guys were laughing at their mate. One offered us an apology for his friend as he came forward to pat the guy's back.

"I'd be better if we got away from that filth," I frowned.

Justin placed his hands on my waist and helped me up. "Come on, we should walk back anyway." He draped his jacket back over my shoulders. It had fallen off when I jumped onto him.

As we walked away, I pulled my phone out. I'd been ignoring it, but now that my mind was clear of the intense fog brought on by Justin's proximity, I recalled its incessant buzzing.

There was a single message from my dad, and I opened it first. Sawyer must have called him because he wanted to know where I was. I sent a reply letting him know I would be home soon.

Then I checked Sawyer's messages. He expressed similar worries, but when I saw the final one, which had come less than five minutes ago, all the others revealing his concern for my whereabouts, became redundant.

'Looks like you've got things sorted. See you at work next week.'

I glanced around the bar and at the walkway above. He'd been here but was nowhere to be found now. I let out a deep sigh.

"Is everything okay?" Justin asked.

"Yes. No. I don't know," I rambled. Sawyer's message was a stark reminder of the night. "I should go."

I was a horrible person.

Justin must have sensed the change in me, because his demeanour suddenly turned stony and not at all like the warmth he'd given moments ago. "Do you need a ride home?" he asked in that gentlemanly way of his.

I couldn't bring myself to look at him. "That would be very helpful, thank you. I just have to get my coat." In my haste to escape, I'd forgotten it was in the cloakroom at the convention centre.

In my peripheral, I saw him nod once. "Okay, let's get you warmed up."

This entire night was a disaster, and I had a feeling things were going to get a whole lot messier.