Chapter 21

I never felt so conflicted in my life, not even as a child when I asked for Caroline to be removed as my adoptive mother. I knew exactly what I wanted then because my feelings were clear. I wished to have that same clarity now, but I struggled to make any decisions.

I couldn't talk to my dad. Sascha was grumpy with me. Sawyer wasn't an option, obviously. Besides them, I didn't have anyone else to go to for advice.

Of course, there was always Justin. We had become friends over the past couple of months, but I'd already ruined that. Talking to him about my feelings was also tricky, seeing as he was the cause of my confliction.

I'd eventually replied to his message on the weekend, but I could tell he wasn't happy with my responses, which had been few and far between. I didn't know what to say to him when he asked if we were okay, or when he tried to make me smile with our usual banter.

Things were different now, and it was my fault.

Maybe that's why I sat outside by the soccer field, even though it was overcast and chilly, instead of waiting for Justin in the café like I did every Tuesday. I wanted to see him, and I knew we should talk, but I was also petrified of what might happen.

Naturally, fate had its own plans.

I sat alone on a bench surrounded by textbooks. I'd been studying, or at least trying to, but I'd lost concentration. My mind kept wandering back to Friday night and the intensity on the dance floor. To the following morning in Justin's living room. Then to Sawyer's disappointed expression. Did I do the right thing, or was it all a huge mistake?

I'd sunk deep into my own mind when Justin walked into my line of sight, no doubt on his way to the café. He didn't see me until the last corner on the path. He paused, and it was like the moment of truth. Would he approach or keep walking?

My heart swelled in my throat as it waited for him to decide.

I moved my books from the bench to my lap as he wandered over, the empty seat a clear offering. Justin sat down, elbows resting on his knees, eyes wandering over the happenings on the field rather than me. Neither of us spoke.

Eventually, the silence was too much. If he wouldn't look at me, I needed to hear his voice. "No coffee today?" I joked weakly, forcing a smile. Inside, my heart beat in overdrive.

He took his time responding, and when he did, he titled his head toward me but those gorgeous blues stayed away. "I wasn't sure you wanted to see me."

I fiddled with the ribbon on my diary. "That's fair." I'd been ignoring him for days, so his doubt was justified.

Justin leant back against the bench. "Seeing how awkward things have become, I think we should talk about what happened."

"You're probably right," I agreed, eyes still on the ribbon.

"Do you regret it?" he asked, a hint of worry in his tone.

"No." In the moment, I enjoyed what happened between us. It felt right then, and even though I had other thoughts about it now, I couldn't regret kissing him.

"But it's weird."

I nodded. "Kind of."

Justin finally turned to me. "Would things be better if we hadn't?"

I thought about it for a moment. If we hadn't kissed, we wouldn't be having this awkward conversation. If we hadn't kissed, I wouldn't have let Sawyer go. If we hadn't kissed, I wouldn't have known how good it felt to be in his arms. If we hadn't kissed, nothing would have changed.

"I don't know," I said, glancing down. Now that he was facing me, I couldn't look him in the eye. What was wrong with me?

"If you don't regret it, then how can you not know? It's a yes or no question." His frustration was clear.

"It's not that simple," I countered, matching his tone.

He shook his head. "How? I wanted to kiss you, so I did it. Why did you?"

"I don't know." I knew this conversation would be difficult, but it had quickly turned into the beginnings of an argument. A real one.

"You are so confusing." He stood up and started pacing, pausing every few steps to look over at me. "One minute you're hot, like really hot, and then the next your ice cold. I don't know what to think."

"You don't have to think anything."

He spread his arms in a shrug. "Then what's the point of us being here talking about this right now?"

"I don't know." It was my response to everything lately, but it was the truth. I couldn't figure out my feelings. They were spiralling out of control and I had trouble deciphering what they meant. Yes, things between us were hot, really hot, but hooking up wasn't a miracle cure for all the underlying problems bubbling beneath the surface. If we continued on this path, wherever it was going, they would all rise. I wasn't sure how to deal with them if they did. "There's just so many things to consider."

"Like what? It's not that complicated, Ellie. You meet someone, you like them, you go for it."

Now it was my turn to stand up. "How do you do that? You have everything figured out like life is easy. You're 21 years old, you're so self-assured about everything, and you know exactly what you want to do." It wasn't fair! He seemed to do whatever he wanted without considering the consequences, and things usually worked out for him regardless of said consequences.

Justin took a step closer. "I don't have everything figured out. There was a reason I hesitated to kiss you. I didn't know how you would react. And after this, I guess I should have waited a little longer."

Would it have made a difference if he did? I'd been fantasising about kissing Justin for a while, and now that I had done it, things were different to how I imagined they would be. For starters, I never thought we would be arguing about it in public.

"Is it Sawyer?" he asked, tone softening. "I thought you and him weren't a thing."

"We're not. Sawyer and I are just friends, and maybe not even that any more." That was made clear days ago, and I still wasn't sure how I felt about it. Sawyer had been so good to me, and I'd been horrible to him.

Justin took another step closer. "Then what is it, because I'm struggling to understand?"

His proximity was notorious for scrambling my brain, but I didn't move back. "There's a lot of history and baggage between the two of us. If we take this any further than friendship, it could ruin everything." How could I even begin explaining that? Our fathers were once best friends until Caroline's betrayal tore them apart. Not to mention his sister was a constant reminder of that betrayal. I couldn't let this pain back into my father's life.

"Everyone's got baggage, Ellie. It's a part of being human."

"Not like ours. Being with you means knowing your family, and that could cause drama for too many people." It didn't matter that I technically knew them already. Relationships required effort in the family department. How could I possibly sit around a table at Christmas with Caroline? The last time I saw her, I yelled at her. We couldn't even be in the same room.

Justin's hands, warm despite the weather, slid up my arms to rest on my shoulders. "It's not about other people. It's about you and me."

I closed my eyes. If I looked into his now, I'd be done. "It's not just about you and me. It doesn't work that way."

"Maybe you're right. If we ever get to that point, it will take effort, and you have to be willing to make it." His hands dropped from my shoulders, the loss of their warmth causing me to take a step away from him. "What do you need me to do?"

I crossed my arms, holding them tight as I hugged myself. "I don't know. I'm sorry for being like this. I just have so much going on."

Justin looked away again. He was back to watching the players on the soccer field. "Look, Ellie, I'm not going to tip-toe around you any more."

I froze. "What does that mean?"

He sighed, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "It means I'm not going to treat you like a porcelain doll, like everyone else does."

His assumption was clear and my frustration returned. "I'm not fragile, no-one is tip-toeing around me."

Justin grimaced when he turned back to me. "Aren't they? Sascha did it the other day. She saw you in an awkward position and before we even had a chance to talk about it, she whisked you out of there. It's not the first time she's done that, either. I was hesitating to make a move because I was worried I'd do something you weren't ready for. I bet Sawyer did that, too."

His words struck like a glass of icy water had been tipped over me. Sascha didn't do that, did she? We were running late for work that day. And Sawyer? How could Justin possibly know anything of my relationship with Sawyer? No, he was mistaken.

"I don't know what to say right now."

"I'm not surprised." Another glass, this one as full of ice cubes, and they had nothing to do with the cold droplets sprinkling from the darkening sky.

Justin let out a heavy breath and reached for me, warm hands gently cupping my jaw. "I haven't been subtle. You know where I'm at and what I want, but I can't follow you around like a lapdog waiting for you drop a few treats. You clearly have some bigger things to work out before I'm even an option." He sighed, leaning in to brush his soft lips against my temple. "If you find your way out of here, give me a call."

He lingered for a moment, his entire being taking over my senses, but then his hands dropped and he backed away. I crossed my arms again as I watched him walk away. Instead of going to the café, he followed the path in the other direction.

When he was gone, I hugged myself tighter. My breaths were shaky and my eyes stung.

What just happened?