Chapter 20

I'd become more familiar with the bar scene over recent weeks, but this establishment was nothing like the one at the edge of campus. I sat with a small group of employees from the hotel, taking up two of the high tables near the long, white marble bar running through the centre of the room. For now, it was a good place for a few after-work drinks, but in thirty minutes the lights would dim further and the music would start pumping, turning the casual atmosphere into a high-energy one.

I was usually gone by the time that happened.

I was usually walking out the door arm-in arm with Sawyer.

I was usually excited to go back to his place.

That wouldn't be happening tonight.

"Down in the dumps?" Tony, one of our night security guards, asked as he pulled up a stool beside me. I shuffled over to accommodate his muscular stature, my shoulder touching the wall.

"I don't know what you mean," I said, my words sounding more sarcastic than intended.

Tony hummed, following my gaze to the bar where Sawyer waited to order another drink. The crowd was growing as more and more patrons arrived for the change into a nightclub, taking advantage of happy hour before the DJ arrived.

"She's nowhere near as pretty as you," he continued slyly.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know what you mean," I repeated, hoping he would let it go. But I did know what he was talking about. The woman outright flirting with Sawyer a mere few metres away, in her short-cut dress and ridiculous heels.

Sawyer was a nice guy, so he engaged politely. The way he was smiling at her, though, was completely unnecessary, especially when he kept glancing towards our table. Towards me.

It certainly didn't help when he made his way back, sat at the other end, and then smiled at the girl who decided to follow him two minutes later.

Tony picked up on the tension. "Did you two have a fight or something?" he asked quietly.

"What?" I squeaked.

He shrugged. "You're usually joined at the hip."

Did he know about me and Sawyer? "I don't know what you're talking about."

My response made him laugh. "Come on, Boss, you two aren't exactly subtle."

I thought that we'd been careful. We barely touched at work, and when anything did happen, I took control of the situation quickly so we wouldn't get caught. "Who else knows?" I asked, glancing around at our colleagues. They chatted happily amongst each other and I hoped no one was listening in on our conversation.

"Almost everyone," he admitted, amused by my reaction.

Great.

"So did you two have a fight?" he asked again.

I shook my head, glancing over at Sawyer. He was still smiling, and the front of his new friend's dress was as low cut as the skirt was short.

I stepped down from my stool. "Not exactly. I'm going to get some fresh air," I told Tony before shuffling out of my corner. He didn't try to stop me.

When outside, I dawdled a few metres down the path, wrestling with my own thoughts. I could feel a migraine coming on.

I was outside for only a minute when Sawyer approached, weaving his way through a crowd of guys hyping themselves up for the night.

"Hey," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

I gave him a curt smile. "Hey."

Sawyer wasn't one for awkward silences, usually making jokes when something felt uncomfortable. But there were no jokes tonight. "You want to talk about whatever's been on your mind today?"

"Thought you were already busy talking with lips and lashes in there," I remarked, completely surprised by my own words.

Sawyer's lips curved down. "You're jealous."

"I'm not jealous," I replied defensively. I'd never been the type.

One of his eyebrows rose, questioning me. "No?"

I had no right to feel jealous, even though thinking of him with that girl inside frustrated me. "It's just weird seeing you flirt with other girls."

"Should I not be talking to other women?" Now he really seemed serious, like he was testing me.

I shrugged, avoiding eye-contact. "I don't know. I just didn't expect to feel..."

"Jealous?" he offered.

I crossed my arms, annoyed by the insinuation. "I don't know, maybe. It's a little cold of you to do it right in front of me."

"That wasn't my intention; I was just being friendly and she's horrible at taking hints."

I knew that, of course, but still felt weird about it.

His tone was low when he continued. "And you haven't exactly been warm and fuzzy lately."

"I know," I admitted, looking down at a crack in the pavement, feeling like a hypocrite. He was right. I'd been weird with him all day.

His cool fingers reached for me, settling under my chin as he turned my attention towards him. His eyes darted across my features as if they were searching for something. "Did something happen?" he asked softly. I could hear the note of devastation in his voice already.

Because something had happened, with someone else.

It didn't matter what our arrangement was or that there was no label. The guilt I felt building all day was evidence that we were more than that, even if I couldn't admit it. "Yes," I confessed immediately. "I wasn't sure how to tell you."

His hand dropped. "When?" he asked, tone hard.

Sascha was right. He deserved better than what I was giving him. I needed to be honest as soon as possible. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad. "Just this morning."

Sawyer let out a sharp breath. "Did you sleep with him?"

I looked back up at him quickly. He'd asked me that question before. "No, it was just a kiss."

The hurt in his eyes was evident as he nodded to himself, looking down at his feet. "Okay."

I was a horrible person. It didn't matter that he said he would wait while I figured out my feelings. I shouldn't have led him on like this. Sascha was right; his hurting was all my fault. "I'm sorry, Sawyer. I didn't think this would happen."

His hands were back in his pockets, eyes avoiding me. "I did."

"What do you mean?" I asked, unsure of what he was saying. How could he possibly know that something would happen with Justin?

He sighed. "It's been different ever since he came into your life. I could feel it right away, I was just hopeful. I guess that's my own fault."

I shook my head at his admission. That was ridiculous. None of this was his fault. Certainly not my actions. I didn't mean for anything to happen with Justin. In fact, I actively held myself back. This morning was spontaneous. It just happened. It didn't mean I'd chosen him. "I don't know what I want, Sawyer."

"Even so, it was never going to be me. If it wasn't Justin, it would have been someone else." He looked down with sad eyes that told me he was right. "I'm just the easy option, the safety net."

The easy option? Did he really believe that?

How could I let things go this far? How could I let myself hurt someone so caring, so beautiful? "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to hurt you," I mumbled, looking to the dark sky as my eyes stung.

"I know that," he whispered, reaching out for my hand. "Come here." He pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me.

With dry eyes, I snuggled into his warmth, comforted even though I didn't deserve it. "How can you still be so nice to me?" How could he still care after I rejected him? And after all the time we'd spent together, he just lets it go?

His chest lifted in a heavy breath beneath me. "There's just something about you, Elle."

After a few more moments, Sawyer let go and stepped back, the disappointment in his eyes evident. "I'm going to go back inside. You coming?"

I watched him carefully, assessing how he might really feel. If I let myself follow him inside, I'd only make things worse. Plus, I was in no mood to deal with other people, especially those in really short dresses. "No, I think I'll just go home."

"Do you want me to walk you to your car?" he offered. Despite everything, he was still a gentleman. I definitely didn't deserve him.

I shook my head. "No, I'll be okay, it's just around the corner."

Sawyer nodded and started backing up. "Be safe."

I watched him walk back into the bar before leaving. I knew this was how it needed to be, even though a part of my wanted to chase after him.

Still, my heart felt heavier than it ever had before, and the drive home gave it time to wallow some more. I was unsure of what he meant by safety net, but Sawyer was right; he and I should have never been together, in any way. He was a colleague, and my father's prodigy. If it had gone on any longer, things could have been really messy, messier than they were right now.

Then there was Justin to think about. There was a whole list of reasons I didn't want to think about him and what happened on his couch this morning. My head was hurting enough already, and the pain seemed to worsen when I walked through the front door to see Dad lounging in his armchair with a glass of whisky.

I'd made a huge mistake.

"Hi Honey, you're home early," he said as I reached over the back of his chair and wrapped my arms around him.

"I just felt like a night at home," I said, squeezing a little tighter.

"Anything going on?" he asked as I let go and flopped down on the couch. He was watching the financial report on the news.

Looking into his tired face, I considered spilling everything. About Sawyer. About Justin. But there was only so much my old man could handle. So, I shook my head. "Nothing, I just have a bit of a headache."

"You work too hard," he said, standing up. "I'll get you some pain killers and a cup of tea."

"Thanks, Dad."

He reached over to ruffle my hair and hand me the television remote. "Why don't you pick a movie and I'll open a pack of Tim Tams."

"The double coated ones, please!" I called as he walked down the hall. Comfort food sounded like a good idea. I kicked off my shoes and pulled the throw rug from the back of the couch over my legs, nestling into the pillows.

Before I got too comfortable, I reached into my bag for my phone. It was blinking with a notification, just like it had been since lunch time. I hadn't opened it. I couldn't bring myself to read it. Even now, I felt guilty just looking at Justin's name on the screen.

So I locked it again without opening his message and placed it back in my bag.