Chapter 24

I sat outside Justin's house staring at his front door from the safety of my car. This was the right thing to do. Deep down, I knew that. So why was taking the plunge so difficult? I'd driven here pumped with courage, but now that I faced the reality of seeing him, it was waning. Fast.

I'd spent the past week lost in my own mind, exploring the possibilities and what ifs of letting myself feel what my heart so clearly wanted. My head was in charge, it always had been, and it had a hard time relinquishing control.

I picked up my phone to call Sascha. She answered on the second ring.

"Are you here?" she asked in earnest.

"I'm here," I breathed.

"Well, are you coming in?"

That was still up for debate. "Is he home?"

There was a creak and Sascha's voice dropped to a whisper. "He is. He only just walked through the door."

"Maybe I should just call him, or text him."

The creak sounded again, followed by a sharp bang, and her voice returned to her usual volume. "No, no. You can't chicken out now. We talked about this."

"I know. I'm just..."

"Chickening out?"

"No, I'm not. I'm doing this. I have to do this." I was psyching myself up, but there were always doubts lingering in the back of my mind. "But, Sass, what if he's moved on?"

She sighed into the phone. "Babe, it hasn't even been two weeks. And from what I've seen of him in that time, there's no way he's even thought about moving on."

"What if it's not meant to be?"

"Don't start with the fate bullshit again. That's an excuse and you know it. If I have to come out there and drag you in here by the ear, you know I'll do it." The frustrated tone in her voice told me she would have no misgivings about that whatsoever.

"Okay," I groaned. "Keep your panties on."

"I'm not wearing any."

Ew! I hoped she was joking and not talking to me with her horny boyfriend in the room. It was best not to think about it. "Didn't need to know that. Okay, I'm getting out of the car."

"Good girl." She hung up.

Sascha's pep talk worked. This was it. With a new burst of courage, I got out of the car, locked it, and sauntered up to Justin's door. The last time I'd done this, it had set everything in motion. I'd given into desire and then all hell broke lose.

I took a deep breath before knocking on the door. It was so tempting to walk back down the path, get in my car and drive away. Especially when it seemed like no one was going to answer the door.

I knocked again, nerves flaring.

Eventually, there was a shuffling noise, and when the door opened, I came face to face with Justin. He looked confused. And he was wearing a suit!

"Hey," he said after several beats of silence.

"Hi," I breathed, distracted by his appearance. "I'm sorry, were you on your way out?"

"No, I just got in, actually." Taking note of my curiosity and wandering eyes, he offered an explanation. "I went into the office with my father today. Are you here for Sass? I didn't realise she was here."

It would be so easy to tell him I was here for my best friend. It would also be a lie. "No, I'm not. I'm actually here to see you."

"Right," he said, eyebrows raising. "Come in."

I stepped over the threshold, closing the door behind me. Justin walked down the hallway to the kitchen, passing the living room without a glance. Perhaps that was on purpose. Maybe he didn't want to be reminded of what happened in there the last time I visited.

"Can I get you a coffee?" A familiar offer. I always said yes, but not today.

"Do you mind if I make it?"

He looked surprised, but let me step up to his fancy all-in-one machine. "Do you know how to use it?"

"Do you really need an answer to that?" I frowned, carefully placing my bag on the counter.

"Guess not," he mused, leaning back against the granite.

"Every time we have coffee you get mine with macadamia, and I realised that you've never tried it before. You're missing out." I reached into my bag and pulled out the small bottle of macadamia syrup.

"Am I? Seems like it would be an acquired taste."

"You'll see."

I busied myself making coffee, acutely aware of his gaze following my every move. I ground the beans and used the inbuilt tamper to flatten them. Then I set the machine to pour two shots of espresso into mugs I took from the rack of clean dishes. Carefully, I swirled a small amount of syrup into the espresso. After heating and frothing the milk, I gently poured it into the mugs, finishing it off with a heart pattern. Well, I attempted that part. I could grind, pour and froth with the best of them, but latte art was a skill I did not possess.

After cleaning down the machine, I slid the mug along the counter to Justin. He looked down at it with a raised brow.

Ignoring the butterflies in my stomach, and avoiding ogling him in that suit, I walked around the counter and took up a stool. "Are you going to try it."

Justin turned to face me on the other side of the counter and picked up the mug, eyeing it with caution.

"It's not laced with poison. Promise."

Carefully, he brought the mug to his mouth and took a sip.

"What do you think?"

He licked his lips and I took another sip of my own coffee, attempting to hide the traitorous and uncontrollable reaction of my body. "It's sweet. And nutty."

"You hate it."

"I don't hate it," he replied, taking another careful sip. "Like I said, it's an acquired taste. It's just very sweet."

It made sense that he wasn't a fan, especially since he took his coffee with a double shot and no sweetener. "Well, if you don't want it, I'll be happy to take it off your hands."

He finally smiled as I reached for his mug. "Hey now, don't be greedy," he said, lifting it out of my reach. "I'll be finishing it." His took another large sip to prove his dedication and for a brief moment, things felt like they use to.

An awkward silence fell between us once the natural banter dissipated. I was here for a reason and we both knew it.

Before I could get a word out, Justin interrupted.

"Wait. Before you start, I need to apologise to you." He leant both elbows on the counter, frowning down at his clasped hands. Then he took a deep breath and lifted his blue eyes to meet mine. "I said some things last week that I really had no right saying. I let my own feelings dominate what you needed and I'm really sorry for pressuring you. I shouldn't be trying to influence your choices with my own greediness."

"Did you speak to Caroline?" I questioned, warmth flushing my cheeks for an entirely different reason.

"I was there when you called her," he admitted softly. "But she left the room straight away. I didn't hear a word, and I didn't ask."

The anger bubbling in my chest at the potential deception settled. Caroline hadn't betrayed my trust, and neither had Justin. "Okay," I said, looking down at the mug nestled between my hands. Holding tightly stopped them from shaking.

"So, you came here to talk to me?" There was hope in his eyes. I knew it would be there, but I worried it wasn't going to be enough.

"I came here because I owe you an apology." Looking into his eyes now sent my heart into a flutter.

"What for?" he asked, confusion furrowing his brows.

"The way I treated you, last week on the field and after..." I glanced over my shoulder, eyes landing firmly on the corner of the couch visible through the doorway. The place we'd shared the most intense kiss of my life! "I have a lot of things I need to work through, and you got caught in the crossfire. I'm not very good at dealing with my emotions and sometimes I don't know how to talk to people."

"You don't need to apologise for having emotions," he said, straightening up to take hold of his mug.

"It's not for having these feelings, it's for the way I treat other people, the way I treated you when I didn't know how to deal. I'm not good at opening up. I'm not good at letting other people in." This was the harsh but truthful reality I was coming to terms with. I'd done a lot of reflection recently, and it was like I was seeing myself with new eyes.

"Why is that?"

"Because until recently, I didn't see the point. People pass through your life, nothing is ever permanent. I couldn't see the point in starting something when it's going to end eventually anyway."

"What about your Dad, and Sascha? How come it's not an issue with them?"

I shrugged. "They've been a constant in my life as long as I can remember. They've never done anything to make me think they were leaving."

"Have I done something to make you feel that way?"

I shook my head. "No, but that's what scares me."

"I don't understand." His worry turned to confusion. I wasn't explaining myself clearly.

"I am insanely attracted to you," I admitted, staying strong and holding his gaze. It was time to lay it all out on the line. "And it's not just physical, which is what petrifies me the most. I've never felt this way about anyone and I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I don't know what I'm suppose to say, or how to act. I don't know what it all means. And I don't know if you feel the same way, either."

Justin reached across the counter to take hold of my hand. "I think you know I do, Ellie."

Sighing, I looked down, but I didn't pull away from his warm touch. He was right. I knew. "Okay, so how do I know you won't be turned off by my crazy? It will be too much and you'll leave."

"You can't predict that."

"Exactly." He would get tired of me and he would bail. I wasn't sure I could deal with him leaving. If the last week was any indication of how I'd react, it wouldn't be pretty.

Justin kept hold of my hand as he rounded the counter. He sat down on the stool beside me, pulling it closer. He turned me to face him, his thighs brushing the outside of my knees. The layers of pants and tights between our skin did nothing to quell the spark of electricity.

"I can't promise that things are always going to be perfect. Any relationship that looks perfect all the time is probably toxic as fuck."

I couldn't really argue with that.

"But Ellie-bean, do you really want to live your life like this? Scared to even try?"

I shook my head, still unable to look at him. "No, I don't. That's why I'm here."

Justin's warm fingers found my chin and tilted my face up. The motion caused a swelling tear to break free. "I'm scared," I whispered. "I've never really been in..."

I couldn't bring myself to say it. A relationship. Not since my first boyfriend broke up with me, and I'm not sure I could even count that as a real relationship.

"I have a lot I need to work through," I continued, trying to explain my intentions clearly. "I'm going back to therapy, but she can't fit me in until the end of next month."

He nodded slowly, coming to terms with my words. "Therapy is good, and if I have to wait until then, or for however long it takes, then I will. Until whenever you're ready."

"I don't want you to wait."

My response caught him off guard and he instantly took it the wrong way.

I slid off my stool and stepped between his legs, bringing us face to face. Mustering every ounce of confidence I had, I placed my hands firmly on his chest. His own rested on his knees and I wished he would just wrap his warmth around me. "In all the mess being thrown around right now, you are the one thing I see clearly. I'm petrified, but I'm ready. And if you're willing to deal with the crazy whenever it appears, I want to try all of these scary things with you."

His blue eyes glistened, but they also scanned me with caution. I couldn't blame him for his uncertainty. I'd been hot and cold for so long when all he'd ever done was be honest with me.

Justin's arms finally snaked around my waist and pulled me against him. My hands slid slowly up his chest to rest at the nape of his neck. "You're not crazy," he whispered. "I want to know you. I want us to know each other. That means being there for each other, and supporting each other, especially when one of us is going through something. But Ellie, relationships aren't easy. We need to be open. Can you do that? Can you let me in when you need help? When you're struggling?"

The sincerity in his eyes told me all I needed to know. "I'm going to try my best, I promise. You might have to call me on my shit if I mess up though. I'm new at this."

"I think I can do that." The corners of his lips turned up as he tried suppressing his smile. "Now before I kiss you, promise you won't freak out on me again?"

I pressed in closer, lips just a breath away and voice low. "I can't promise that, but if I do, it will be a completely different type of freaking out."

Without another word, his lips covered mine in the most gentle of kisses. It was slow and heated, and the taste of him mixed with coffee set every nerve in my body on fire. The physical attraction was running rampant between us, just as it did last time. But this was something else, something more than I'd ever experienced.

This kiss was a promise.

"You're freaking out," Justin murmured against my mouth when he came up for air.

"Very much so," I admitted, before pressing my lips firmly back to his feeling like I was floating on air. How wrong I'd been about taking chances. How wrong I'd been about a lot of things.

He chuckled. "I like this type of freak out."

"Me too."

A loud knock sounded nearby. I jumped back out of instinct, but Justin held on tight, keeping me close to him.

"Can we come in yet?" Sascha whined, poking her head through the door. When she spotted that we'd disengaged, she confidently stepped into the room, followed by Dale.

Justin looked up to the ceiling, clearly annoyed. "Just once, I would love it if we weren't interrupted," he mumbled, only loud enough for me to hear.

"Maybe if we chose places with a little more privacy it wouldn't be an issue," I offered, amused by his reaction. I spun in his arms to face Sascha and Dale.

"Noted," Justin whispered in my ear, resting his chin on my shoulder. It felt strange to be wrapped in his arms with other people in the room. Strange, but comfortable. I liked it here.

Sascha eyed me with the smuggest of expressions as Dale rummaged through the fridge. She didn't say anything, but she didn't need to.

"I'm starving," Dale complained, not even acknowledging the position Justin and I were in. Maybe it was a guy thing. He either didn't care or he didn't want to make a fuss. "Barbecue?"

Sascha agreed and started pulling things from cupboards as Dale searched for utensils to open the meat packages. I watched, amused by the domestic nature of their relationship. They moved around each other with ease, as if they knew exactly where the other would be.

"Speaking of barbecues," Sascha began as she washed lettuce in the sink. "Baba want's to celebrate my birthday before she flies back to Adelaide."

I reached for my mug. Justin's tight grip on my waist made it difficult, but he refused to let go. "Your birthday isn't for another month."

"I know, but it's my 21st, so my parents are throwing an impromptu barbecue next Saturday." Sascha started slicing cucumber and throwing it into a salad bowl. "Everyone is invited so be there or be a loser who misses out on my awesomeness."

I smiled at her antics, grateful that she'd found a line for the conversation to take and that she didn't focus on the fact that Justin was playing with my hair.

"Do you want to stay for dinner?" he offered quietly, tucking a loose strand behind my ear.

I glanced over my shoulder and he moved slightly to give me some room. "Sure," I murmured back. Then I did something bold. I kissed him again, not caring that our friends were here or that they may judge us for such a public display of affection.

"Hey, cut it out you two," Sascha criticised with feigned outrage. Dale slapped her butt with a spatula and she elbowed him in the ribs.

I couldn't contain my smile. This floating on air thing? Yeah, I could get use to it.