Hidden in Storage

Theo hadn't emerged from her room at all. Ava had been hanging around the deck after everyone was kicked out of Theo's room, both to talk to some of the women about the stressful day but also to keep an eye on what Theo was doing. In the middle of a conversation with one of the vanguard women, Ava spotted Theo leaving her quarters out of the corner of her eye. She was waist-deep in a conversation about Hops and she was trying to help the other woman mourn so ditching the conversation wasn't an option. She let Theo go and continued about her quartermaster business.

Ava didn't know Hops all that well but they did spend some time together while Ava was staying in the lower decks. She was funny and most of the women on the ship, especially the vanguard, were close to her. Ava learned that Hops died protecting Iness, one of the youngest girls on the vanguard. Iness was in Tuni's room, almost inconsolable, so Ava spent some of her night there trying to comfort the girl. Once her presence was no longer needed anywhere on the ship, Ava set out in her search for Theo.

Cooker and Xyra had their own way of knowing what Theo needed or wanted; having been together for over half a classification meant they were able to work seamlessly, rarely communicating verbally at times. Ava didn't have that luxury, she couldn't just take one look at Theo and know what to do. As a quartermaster and as a friend she was worried. Theo had been snappy, impatient, and unhappy ever since the manor, and Ava wanted to help in any way she could. Theo acted invincible but she wasn't. No one could be that unaffected by killing and pillaging, no matter how justified.

After about an hour of searching, Ava was convinced that Theo had jumped overboard. Theo wasn't in the library, in Tuni's room, in the mess hall, or the training room. She hadn't gone back to her quarters, or Cooker's, or Xyra's. There was only one place she hadn't checked and it was for a reason, the storage room. If Ava was being honest, she was terrified of what Miss Yurwa would do to her if she found out that Ava had been snooping around the storage room without permission. No one had told her she wasn't allowed to but Miss Yurwa never seemed fond of visitors during regular hours so she couldn't imagine what after-hours visitors would get if caught. But in her restless search for Theo, she had to continue. Ava trudged into the depths of the ship to check the forbidden room.

Ava brought her set of keys with her just in case but it wasn't needed, the door was unlocked. She pushed it open slowly so as to not make too much noise and when she peeked in she found Theo there. The Captain was resting upon a throne of furs and rugs and fine linens. She had her head tilted back with her eyes closed and her fist tightly wrapped around a large bottle of liquor. She brought the bottle to her lips and took a large gulp with her eyes still closed. Ava watched as Theo plunged her hand into an open chest of gold and began to swim her hand through it. Ava stood in the doorway awaiting an invitation in but Theo seemed to have not seen her.

Theo finally picked her head back up and opened her eyes but she didn't notice Ava's presence yet. She leaned over to where her hand was in the chest and picked out a gold coin. Theo flipped it over in her fingers, examining it intently.

"Are you afraid that the gold is fake?" Ava asked then began to walk into the room, forgoing an invitation.

"I know what fake gold looks like and this ain't it," Theo retorted and tossed the coin back into its place, not phased at the intrusion, "Tonight I'm not in the mood for, y'know."

Theo motioned between the two of them. Ava used the piles of stuff around them to support herself as she climbed up the giant stack of loot and sat down next to Theo, facing the captain. Ava just shrugged and hugged her knees to her chest.

"I'm not here for that," Ava said.

"No training," Theo pointed out, "don't have the capacity for that right now."

"Not here for that one either," Ava replied, "I'm here as your quartermaster."

"Can we not talk ship business for one night? I'll deal with whatever it is or whoever has the problem tomorrow," Theo said and took another swig from the bottle.

Ava took the bottle from Theo and held it, "That would be acceptable but I didn't come about anyone else. I came about you. You are the one with the problem."

"I do not have a problem," Theo retorted and went for the bottle again but Ava kept it out of reach.

"You do. Something is wrong and you won't get the liquor back until we talk about it. I have to do my job," Ava said sternly. She really didn't, she could leave Theo alone like everyone else did but Ava wanted to help if she could.

"I don't count in your duties," Theo said and then tried to reach for the bottle again.

There was rarely a time where Ava had seen Theo this fucked up. Thinking back on it, Theo getting drunk was a rare occurrence and this was one of the times. Her breath stank of strong alcohol and her movements were lethargic and slow.

"To be fair, you do. My job is to make sure the crew is okay and you might be at the top of it but you are still part of the crew. Thus, you fall under my jurisdiction, Captain," Ava argued and in good faith handed back the bottle, "Are you going to cooperate with me?"

"No," Theo said and took another sip from the bottle, "Red, just leave."

"I won't be doing that," Ava said firmly. Putting their foot down with Theo was how Cooker and Xyra were able to have such a good working relationship with her and it was about time Ava started as well, "so we can just sit here in silence or you can talk to me."

Ava didn't know why she expected Theo to react well to that. If given the option between cooperating with authority and not doing so, obviously, the pirate captain would choose the latter. Theo had chosen to sit in silence, the only audible noise was the occasional sloshing of liquid inside the bottle when Theo brought it to her lips. Ava thought that maybe after a little bit, Theo would want to start talking but Ava underestimated her stubbornness. Ava felt her eyelids getting heavy after a long sun and she knew she would soon fall asleep if the silence continued.

"I know today wasn't ideal but I thought you would at least be a little happy that we now have more gold than most great houses make in a length," Ava commented on the riches around them. The coats alone could feed an entire village of people for lengths.

"Sure, the gold and the expensive shit is great but the implications of the wealth is not," Theo answered.

"The implications?" Ava asked.

"Aye," Theo nodded and took a sip of her bottle.

It was nearing the bottom of it now and Ava seriously wondered how Theo was still awake.

"Forgive me, since I am relatively new but how is having extreme wealth as a pirate a bad thing?"

"It's all flowers and sunshine for everyone but me. Now we have all this money and I'm expected to just know what to do with it all. How to handle it, how to split it up, what to do with it," Theo repeated the last bit.

Ava had succeeded. Theo had started to talk about what was on her mind and Ava didn't think that Theo actually realized it. She was too drunk to compute that she had cracked and began to open up.

"A fleet is a good place to start, right?" Ava prompted.

"And I have to make that call. And then find the right ship to buy. And then make sure we staff the boat appropriately. And then figure out how that works in battle. And then try and figure out how to keep funding a larger crew," Theo ran out of breath and went to take another to continue but Ava stopped her.

She reached forward and put her hand over Theo's and squeezed it, "I get your point. It's a lot of pressure on you."

"I thought I had it under control," Theo admitted with a whisper, "I talk myself off this ledge then every time something big happens, I end up right back at it teetering off."

"What do you mean?" Ava encouraged Theo to continue.

"Nothing," Theo brushed off and then tried to get up but it was taking her a lot of effort.

"Theo sit," Ava tugged Theo's shirt to keep her down, "You can't just run away or avoid stuff that is on your mind. You are going to drive yourself insane."

Theo sat back down but metaphorically dug her heels into the ground. She crossed her arms over her chest and stayed quiet. Pointedly so. She tilted her chin up and away from Ava and huffed.

"I'm just trying to help, Theo," Ava tried.

"No one asked for your help, Ava," Theo shot back.

"Can you just stop being stubborn for once and realize that bottling it all up is detrimental to you which means it's detrimental to your crew," Ava attempted to use logic instead of appealing to her emotions.

"If I knew you were going to start talking like Xyra I would have never offered you quartermaster," Theo said, "You're less likable now."

Ava would be lying if she said she wasn't hurt. She knew it wasn't the truth though. She had been warned by Xyra during her quartermaster training that when Theo was confronted with something she didn't want to deal with she would deflect. Xyra warned that Theo was usually nice but had the innate ability to play dirty when she was really cornered. Fitting in was Ava's biggest worry, being likable and on a friendly basis with the crew had always been her goal and Theo knew that. She was using it against Ava.

"If we are pointing out flaws then I have a few to point out too," Ava snapped, "your inability to confront your feelings and the way that you deflect by tearing down someone who is only trying to help makes you a bad captain."

Theo tensed up and shock registered on her features. She quickly turned her face away. Ava could tell her words had hit a soft spot and maybe she had gone a bit too far. Theo's lack of confidence in her management of the captaincy was a known sore subject, one that Theo divulged to Ava one night when she was just starting out on the ship.

"That was out of line," Ava conceded, "And I do not believe you are a bad captain but you were also crossing a line with me."

"Maybe if you backed off you wouldn't be faced with harsh criticism," Theo sniped.

"I can't back off because I am your quartermaster and it is my duty to settle rifts in the ship. You are creating a rift between you and your officers," Ava reached forward to snatch the almost empty bottle from Theo's grip, the only way she could think of grabbing Theo's attention.

"You have a right to be dismissive and rude towards us but I have a right to look into the reason for the attitude so I can at least let the crew know what the fuck is up," Ava continued

"Ava sometimes I just need some space!" Theo turned to Ava and threw her hands up, a scowl set deep in her brow.

"You've had all night to yourself, I am asking for ten minutes of your time," Ava said, unrelenting in her search for the issue at hand.

"I'm 17 and in charge of the largest amount of gold a pirate crew has seen in close to five classifications. I have no idea what the fuck I am doing!" Theo finally let her thoughts explode and her voice boomed across the room, "I am in a sinking ship and all of these holes are sprouting up and as soon as I manage to plug one another pops up. This job just keeps getting bigger and more serious and I am not equipped to handle any of it!"

"It wouldn't keep getting more serious if you were truly not equipped to handle it. The only reason you have survived long enough to take such a fortune is because you are good at managing a crew. You do your best and equip everyone with the tools they need to survive and they do. It has all panned out."

"I can't just keep hoping it will pan out. One day I'm going to fuck up and there go the lives of 40 or more women," Theo had calmed down from her initial outburst but her voice was still loud, desperation laced in her tone.

"Theo, you aren't alone though. It wouldn't be you fucking up, it would be everyone. Everyone has input on how this ship is run and you sacrificing total power also absolves you of total responsibility," Ava tried to reason with Theo, trying to help her plug the leaking holes.

Theo went quiet. She had nothing left to say. Ava was glad she had gotten as far as she had. If Ava wanted anymore, she would have to pry some more. There would be no volunteering of information from Theo.

"Is that what is making you upset? Feeling like you aren't fit for the job," Ava asked.

Theo shrugged her shoulders. She didn't speak for a few minutes but then cleared her throat and glanced over at Ava, "How are you feeling after today? That was a lot"

"Aye. It was," Ava replied. Theo was deflecting and Ava allowed it. She would loop the conversation back over to Theo somehow.

"You killed someone."

"Several someones," Ava corrected, "I have now killed four people..."

"You'll lose track eventually," Theo noted. She was much better at talking to others when she wasn't drunk.

"When did you lose track?"

"When I was 10 or 11 probably."

"I mean what number?" Ava took a tentative sip of the bottle Theo was drinking from. The situation already seemed less tense than before and she wanted to make Theo feel like the playing field was a little more level.

"150. I used to feel like shit knowing the number just kept getting farther and farther away from zero so I stopped counting," Theo was looking down at her rings, "I still feel shitty but at least I don't obsess over a number."

"You had killed 150 people by the time you were 11?" Ava asked, trying to mask the shock and the sadness in her voice.

Theo shrugged then chuckled dryly, still not looking at Ava, "That's what being a child mercenary gets you."

Theo laughed it off but it wasn't a joke. If Theo had killed that many people by the time she was 11 then she was now probably closer to 1,000 kills than she was to zero. There was no judgment coming from Ava. Who was she to do so when she didn't even feel guilt over the lives she had taken. At least Theo seemed to harbor guilt towards it. Ava was sad for Theo. Ava was able to frolic through gardens and have large feasts for dinner every night and while Theo had to learn to survive through murder.

"Do you feel bad? Or guilty?" Ava asked.

"I have to play up such an act that sometimes I am afraid I won't be able to switch it off when I'm done," Theo admitted and Ava could not see an ounce of malice in her face, not like earlier, "I feel like a monster sometimes."

"It was pretty jarring," Ava conceded, not wanting to lie.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. I would say you wouldn't have to witness it again but you will."

"Do you enjoy it?"

"Enjoy it?"

"Proving yourself to be a threat. Killing those that question you. Putting on a show," Ava elaborated.

"No," Theo bit her lip and twisted her rings.

"Then why do you do it?"

"It's all a game. Grandstanding, acting heartless, leaving one survivor to tell the tale which will inevitably be inflated. No different than politics except it's for the underworld," Theo explained then finally looked at Ava, "Can we maybe not talk about the fact that I am a murderous pirate for a second?"

Ava nodded a bit and tried to steer the conversation into a lighter topic but her intentions failed.

"You left after it was all over. Where did you go?"

"I was praying."

"Praying?" Ava tilted her head.

"Aye. The act of thanking your god and also asking them for things?" Theo deadpanned.

"Right, I understand what prayer is," Ava laughed a little even though she didn't want to, "I wasn't aware you worshipped any gods. I've seen some other girls do it on the ship but you've never mentioned it."

"It's not something I just divulge. My relationship with my god is very personal to me."

"Have you always prayed to the same one?"

"Aye, she has been my protector since I was a child." Theo said, "You don't believe in any gods."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. It was an informed statement too. People at Ava's level of status, nobles, and greater houses, tended to not believe in my religious figures as it was against the law. Praying and keeping any idols or shrines became illegal once Baethos was formed. The founders of Baethos, the Ten, claimed that these gods were tearing up the fabric of society by pitting people against each other. They claimed that the Great War was started over religion and there was no use in keeping it legal as it was all stories anyway.

That was what Ava was taught at least. The gods were just one of the ways in which lesser citizens of Baethos demonstrated their low intellect. Praying to an unseen figure was considered stupid, timewasting, and delusional. Ava had been a part of many trials where her father executed the leaders of large underground churches within their realm.

"No, I don't believe," Ava said, "I have never had a reason to... But you believe. Why?"

"Because my God has given me reason to believe," Theo smiled a bit, the first positive emotion Ava had seen from her.

"You've seen her?"

"Aye. She comes to me in dreams sometimes. She sends me signs. She'll speak with me in her own ways," Theo fondly listed.

"Oh," Ava replied, "I've never seen any sign of gods."

"Why would they show themselves to you if you've not dedicated time and effort into them and their teachings," Theo replied

"You've got a point," Ava acknowledged.

While Ava was very intrigued at what was being said, Theo had ended up offering a lot of information to Ava. Even something as personal as her god. Ava didn't want to push anymore or ask any questions that Theo would think were disrespectful. Ava had learned that just because she had questions doesn't mean it was always the most appropriate thing to ask. It was probably in her best interest to leave Theo alone.

Ava had come to figure out what was bothering Theo. Theo didn't ever say the actual words but Ava had a pretty good idea of what it was. Theo was struggling with the added pressure now that they had amassed such a fortune. Her confidence in her ability to act as the captain had wavered again. Ava stood up on the pile of things and tried her best to quietly and quickly make it down to the floor. Eventually, she did and she turned back to Theo who had been watching her the entire time.

"I don't think anyone in your situation would know what to do either. If it is like you said, and this is no different from politics, then I would know what I am talking about. Everything there is about faking it until you are on top and even then people have no idea what they are doing," Ava tried to imbue once last piece of wisdom before leaving, "there is no book that can teach someone what to do with power once they get it. I think you are doing your best and so is everyone around you. Take it easier on yourself and maybe on the others too."

Ava turned back around and walked to the door. She turned around before walking out and Theo was staring ahead blankly. Ava had no idea whether or not her words had any effect on Theo. She could have only hoped. Ava walked out of the room and closed the door behind her, leaving Theo alone with the rest of the bottle and her thoughts.