4 - Deep as a lake

The engine of Leo's black Toyota Camry was still running when Will jumped out, wearing a white shirt with a sun imprinted on it, and ran toward Conor.

To be honest, our reunion was something I'd been dreading. Not because it wasn't something we'd all wanted for quite a long time. But because, no doubt, it would be difficult not to open up old wounds.

Will hugged Conor like they hadn't seen each other in years, which I knew wasn't true. Conor had told me they all met during his Christmas visit when I was neatly tucked away with my grandparents in Chicago. But as I saw him lifting Will slightly, I couldn't shake off the feeling that they seemed closer than I remembered. Their hug almost resembled a scene from a corny romance movie and... I didn't like how much tighter my chest suddenly felt.

Leo rolled down his window, the car's engine still running, and yelled at us, "Yo, lovebirds, hop in. I want to get going before dawn."

Conor put Will back down and was all smiles when he waved at Leo, who raised his sunglasses and waved back. Conor threw his left arm around Will's shoulder, and they strolled to the car, arm in arm, as if being this touchy was the most normal thing in the world. It seems like I have missed quite a lot over the years. But... this?

"Are you glued to your house, Ash?" Leo laughed, and I somehow wished I was.

With a fast pull, I threw the entrance door into its angles and walked past Leo to sit behind the driver's seat next to Conor.

"Lake still okay?" Leo asked as the three doors slammed simultaneously.

Conor looked at me for approval, and I nodded. After seeing them all on one page from the start, I wouldn't have dared to say something against it, even if I had wanted to.

"Yes," Conor replied. Leo put the gear into reverse and backed out onto the main street.

"How was your flight?" Will asked in a soft voice, turning down the volume of the radio. He isn't the talkative type of guy and only speaks when he is genuinely interested or has something valuable to offer. On the other hand, Leo usually talks enough for both of them.

Leo and Will have been best friends since birth. Literally. They were born on the same day, in the same hospital, only twenty-three minutes apart. When they were babies, their parents bought a house together, and since then, all of them have been living under one roof. Raised by four adults, Leo and Will are inseparable. You can't encounter them alone, even if you try. It almost feels like they are twins, even though they don't share any genes and look as different as day and night. Leo: blond with an edgy face that looks like it wants to be punched. And he is lanky and as tall as a Christmas tree. Will, on the other hand, is a head shorter than Leo, with dark brown hair and a face as soft as a baby's ass.

"Boring, too long and exhausting," Conor answered Will's question.

He turned the volume down a bit more and sighed. "Is it okay if I turn off the radio?"

Leo nodded and, with a swift move, switched it off. Will couldn't stand listening to music and talking to people simultaneously.

"The four of us back together feels so unreal," Will said, pushing the conversation toward what I was worried about.

"Yeah, it's a shame Milo had to cancel it on such short notice," Leo added. You know he can't join, don't you?"

"Yeah, he wrote to me, too," Conor added.

Okay. So, for now, it seems they don't know this could be my fault. Good. And with them being closer than I had imagined, I wouldn't want them to find out. So it's probably wise to keep my mouth shut.

And that was easy because they went on to chat about the last couple of weeks, school life, and how happy they were that Conor was back again. I wanted to participate, but I couldn't. Obviously, no one is so in their head about our reunion as I am. But what if it doesn't stay that happy? What if they find out about Conor and me? And have a serious problem with it because they fear I will hurt him again? Just like Milo?

I watched the trees flash by on the rural road, trying not to ruminate too much about everything they experienced that brought them closer while I was hissing at everyone and threatening to beat up my classmates because I didn't know how to handle my anger.

My hand was lying on the middle seat when I felt something tingling. I looked down, expecting a fly or a bug. Instead, I found Conor lightly stroking me with his little finger while he kept talking to the others. He had his head fixed on Will and Leo.

The car got hot.

How can he do this so casually in front of our friends?

I searched for Leo and Will. I had to make sure they weren't noticing this because—I think it would be better if we first reconnected thoroughly before I threw that bomb of what was going on between Conor and me into the discussion. They first have to see that we really made up, that I'm not that person anymore.

But thankfully, Will and Leo had their eyes focused on the street in front of them, not noticing at all what Conor was doing.

His pinkie ran from my ring finger over my middle finger to my index finger. The tingling, though, spread through my whole body.

This was as exciting as it was scary. I wanted to pull my arm back, afraid we might get discovered, just as much as I wanted to explore his palm as well.

Conor clasped my whole hand and gently squeezed it. I bit my lip not to moan accidentally. But when he let go of my hand and advanced it to my knee, I gasped, and Will turned his head.

I pulled my knee and hand away, forced a smile, and tilted my eyebrows as if Will was the one who had just made an unwanted nasty sound. With a smile on his face, he narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out what had just happened—and as I pushed the corners of my mouth further apart, he peeked at Conor and then back at me.

Shit. Did he see it?

And, of course, exchanging those looks and the sudden end of their conversation also drew Leo's attention.

"Yeah, by the way, I really wanted to ask you two what happened at that airport," Leo asked without taking his attention off the street while Will moved his eyes between Conor and me.

I instinctively reached for the door handle, ready to jump out of the car any second.

"Didn't Ash tell you?" Conor innocently asked.

"He didn't tell us anything. Nor did you," Leo replied.

Because we decided to keep it a secret for now so we could explore whatever is between us. The fact that we were together, not just as friends, was a big deal. Also, for Conor. What if they tried to talk him out of it? Or call him crazy for getting involved with me after I basically bullied him?

"Well," Conor looked at me as if he wanted to ask me how much he could tell. Or does he want me to answer Leo's question?

"Nothing special," I finally said. "We met by chance, and we talked and... I apologized for what I did."

"Sounds pretty special to me," said Will, still eying us.

"Yeah, I never heard you apologize to anyone for anything," Leo added.

"Whatever," I said, sounding more annoyed than I wanted to.

"No need to be so defensive about it." Leo said, "I'm more than happy you could bring yourself to do that."

"Yeah. Sure." Fuck. There was my anger again. Fuck. Breathe.

But before I could figure out what was happening, Will spoke up. "To me, it sounds almost romantic." My chest felt tighter with every word Will said. "Old friends, snowbound and eventually confronting their past...." the tightness spread to my throat, making it nearly impossible to breathe. "...and then sharing a magical...."

...kiss.

Fuck. No.

"It wasn't special, and it definitely wasn't romantic," I barked to end the conversation. And I wish I would have thought about what I said before speaking. Instantly, Will focused on the street. Leo glanced into the rearview mirror shortly, but I wasn't sure if he was searching for my face or the cars behind us. And I feared looking for Conor's reaction.

That wasn't a nice thing to say. And it wasn't true either.

The car's sound got unbearably loud as everyone stopped talking for a few seconds.

"Well, I'm just glad you could sort this out," Leo concluded before we all fell silent. After a minute, he turned the radio back on, and we listened to some generic music on a generic radio station.

Conor was looking out the window, leaning his head on the glass. I lay my hand between us, hoping he would see it and understand that I want nothing more right now than to take back what I said. To return to secretly holding hands. But he didn't take his eyes off the trees.

Why do I have to be like this? Why do I always have to give in to my anger?

—

As we drove down the hill, an empty parking lot embedded in the forest was revealed. Leo drove past all of the slots and parked right behind the brown block house that guarded the beach part on this side of the lake. A wooden canopy next to it harbored a barbecue area. Small footpaths spread all around the parking lot, leading to places hidden behind the trees.

No one had said a word for the last five minutes. As soon as Leo turned off the engine and, with that, the summer-heralding music, we all jumped out of the car so we wouldn't have to stand the silence I forced between us with my outburst.

I searched for Conor when I threw the backdoor into its frame, but he was already rushing down one of the paths. I knew that this one led to one of the public restrooms.

"I have to go too," I told Will and set off to catch Conor. I have to talk to him in private for a second. To let him know that I didn't mean what I had said. That night was special. And it was romantic. I wanted him to know that my anger had just gotten the better of me again. I have to make this right.

"We'll already head down and meet you at the beach," Leo called after me as he opened the trunk.

"See you there," I yelled, following the narrow path hidden between the low-hanging branches.

The sun shone through the first white blossoms of the year. A small grey stone building with a red roof lurked further down the lake, far away enough not to be seen from the parking lot. The weather-beaten men's room sign pointed to the back, and just as I turned around the corner, Conor pushed the squeaking door open, ready to leave. For a brief moment, our eyes met, but he clenched his lips together as if he wasn't in the mood to talk. But being the kind guy he was, he held the door wide open and stepped out of the way so I could enter.

"I didn't come here to go in there," I uttered.

"Then why did you come here?"

To do the right thing. At least once.

"Are you mad?" I asked, and all of a sudden realized that I had two arms and feet and didn't know what to do with them or how to hold them in a conversation like this.

"Actually, I'm relieved now. I really shouldn't have drank that last seltzer before we left."

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"Then what are you—?"

"About all the stupid shit I already did since you arrived!" I tried not to yell.

Conor peeped at the water that was peeking through the green leaves of the trees and then back at me.

"Like carrying my suitcase? Asking me if it is all right to kiss me? Offering me that last Seltzer?"

Why does he have to tease me now?

"You know that I'm talking about pushing you away when Aj walked in on us and now telling everyone that our night wasn't special or romantic when the opposite is true!" I yelled and... fuck. Why? Why do I have to scream at him when I should be apologizing?

Conor seemed to be taken by surprise. Or was he annoyed? Was it okay to follow him? Should I have given him more space instead of rushing here at once? Was he teasing me as a way of handling my stupid behavior?

"So you think our night was romantic?"

"Of course I do. It was the best fucking night of my life."

There was a stillness to this lake hidden inside the forest that was relaxing and unsettling at the same time. I leaned onto the cold stone wall of the toilet block and stared at my feet.

"And I do want to tell people about it. I know we both agreed to keep it to ourselves until we had some time together. But it's... I hate hiding it. And I hate even more that I'm undoubtedly still afraid of what might happen if the word gets out."

"Are you afraid people might treat you differently because... " Conor leaned onto the pillar that supported the small canopy. "...I'm not a girl?"

"What? No! Not at all," it burst out of me, as that was so far from the truth that I wanted him to get rid of that thought immediately. "People are dumb if they have a problem with that. No, my reason is...," Who am I kidding, "way more stupid."

Conor pushed himself off the pillar and slid next to me, leaning against the same rough grey bricks, hiding his arms behind his back.

"How stupid can it be?"

"It's super stupid."

Conor wriggled his arm out of his back and held it before me, waiting for me to grab it. I laid my palm inside his hand, and the wind danced through our hair as we leaned there, hand in hand, staring at glimpses of a lake hidden behind the trees.

"Maybe it's not stupid to be a bit afraid. And to want to have time for ourselves without the world knowing."

"But we can't keep it secret forever. And what happens then? What if..."

Should I tell him? Can I? Should I tell this to anyone?

"...people tried to talk you out of being with me?"

Because that's what Milo would do. At least him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have written me that message. Perhaps even Leo and Will? They know what an awful human being I was without Conor—what I did to him, how I treated them, my family, and the people in my school. But fuck, even Conor knows that and yet is with me, here, brushing his shoulder into mine.

"Being afraid of that is not stupid," he replied. "But those people would be if they thought they could talk me out of being with you."

He turned his head toward me, making me turn my whole body toward him.

"What's between us is our decision. If I want to spend time with you, hold your hand and kiss you, that's my choice. And no one has the right to judge that."

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed me into the wall.

"Don't overthink our time together. You're allowed to enjoy it."

He skimmed his fingers over my neck.

"I'm here now because of you," he whispered, "and you won't get rid of me that easily again."

He pressed my body against the wall and moved his mouth closer, and just as his lips reached mine, we heard a cracking branch.

For a moment, everything froze—the lake, the sun glimmering through the trees, the warm air in between our faces. I held my breath as if my worst nightmare was waiting behind the building. After all, the parking lot was empty. No one was around here except Conor, me, and... our friends. And them catching us like that could easily detonate that ticking bomb our relationship was. Threatening to make the fear I just confessed a reality.

Conor must have seen the panic in my eyes and slowly leaned to the right to glance around the corner, searching for if someone was there. He focused on something for a second too long, forcing my brain to imagine things. (As if Will was standing there, his eyes wide open because he heard everything. And that Conor was now silently trying to tell him to be quiet about it by staring at him and that he would explain everything later.)

"Probably just a squirrel," he whispered, looking back at me. I had no choice but to believe him, but my gut felt twisted.

"We should head back," I said, and Connor immediately nodded.

"Right after this," he softly replied when he leaned in.

His lips caressed mine. A breeze made the blossoming branches sway, and a warm sunbeam brushed over my face. I wanted to let myself go. Be in that moment with him.

But I couldn't close my eyes.

Because... what if they made you choose between them and me? What would you do, Conor?