5 - As cool as a bottle of beer

We found Leo on the cozy beach next to the lake—alone. He sat beside a light brown basket filled with snacks and drinks, his bare feet buried in the sand. A (what used to be) white volleyball waited next to the basket.

The lake was so large that it would take you a good thirty minutes to swim to the other side and back. It had two beaches on opposing sides, inviting people to recreate. I wouldn't say I like swimming in a lake as much, because you never know if there will be fish and the water can get quite dirty. But Leo and Will love this place because they often came here with their parents when they were younger.

"Serve yourself," Leo said, pointing at the basket as we approached him. I turned my head left, right and searched as far as I could see, but Will was nowhere to be seen. I felt sick. What if I was right and he overheard our conversation?

Conor squatted down to the basket and grabbed a small brown bottle with a blue label, reading it thoroughly.

"You brought beer?"

"Um, yeah," Leo answered.

I leaned closer to catch a glimpse of the bottles because this was a first.

"Will has kind of taken a liking to them lately."

That was so absurd that it even made me forget that Will might have eavesdropped on Conor and me.

"Will started drinking beer? Will? Mr. We-have-to-obey-all-the-rules?" I examined him.

"It's alcohol-free, so get off my back." Leo snorted and pushed himself up without using his hands. Conor shrugged and put the bottle back in the basket.

"Where is he, by the way?" I kept interrogating Leo. He kicked some water from the shore back into the lake.

"He joined the tiny bladder club. Didn't you see him?"

It didn't even take me a second to realize that the cracking branch we heard could really have been Will. That would explain my gut feeling. And maybe Conor saw him. But played it cool because he knew how much I would freak out. Shit, I'm making myself crazy thinking about this. There is still a possibility that I'm only imagining things. Because... Conor wouldn't lie to me, would he?

As if he could see the panic on my face, Conor answered Leo's question, "No, but he probably just went to the other restroom up the hill," and kept looking at me as if he wanted to reassure me that what he just said was what I have to believe, no matter if it was the truth.

"Probably," Leo shrugged and pushed his toes into the wet shore, enjoying the small waves gushing at his skin.

I searched for Conor, who smiled and shook his head to signal that I shouldn't worry. But that is easier said than done.

"Didn't you see which path he took?"

I mean, I want to tell my friends what happened. I want them to understand how remorsefully stupid I was and that the time without Conor was the worst of my life.

"No? I'm not watching Will's every move. I'm not his babysitter!"

But if Will overheard us, he would only get half the picture, possibly make wrong assumptions, and maybe even think I was using Conor. They had never seen me with a guy before. Hell, I didn't even know I could be into a dude until three months ago.

Conor raised his head toward the hill, and as I followed his view, I spotted Will wandering toward us.

And now I have to contain myself. I can't snap at Will. Even if he overheard, he hadn't done anything wrong.

"Where have you been?" My mouth shouted at him before my brain could hold it back.

Conor and Leo immediately glared at me as if they had to be ready to defuse a bomb.

Way to go.

"I... we were... worried because Leo said you went to the restroom, and we didn't see you."

Will's eyes widened as if he felt caught.

Shit. He knows, doesn't he? He was the cracking branch. I knew it. Shit. I have to find out somehow before he can tell Leo.

As I rushed over to him, Leo came closer as well, ready to defend Will if necessary. Will instinctively took a step back as I leaned over him.

That's what their real impression of me is. That's why I should be afraid to tell them what's going on with Conor. They won't understand.

"Are you okay?" I asked Will and placed my right hand on his shoulder. Why did I do that?

Will didn't seem to know what to think about my strange behavior. But he is too quiet of a person to speak up, so he stopped moving at all.

"Are you okay?" I asked again.

"Um, yes? Just used the restroom," he answered, cautiously pointing up the hill.

"See," Conor intervened. "No need to worry."

I nodded, withdrawing my hand while pressing my lips together to keep my mouth from blurting out more stupid stuff. I gave him a big pat on his right shoulder.

"I'm glad you're okay."

"But are you?" Leo yelled at me.

Obviously not. But I'm not going to say anything more compromising.

"Since when are you so worried? I told you, he's just been to the freaking restroom," Leo went on.

So I just faked a smile and traipsed over to the basket. I faced the lake as I let myself fall into the sand, so they couldn't see my face and tried to take a deep breath as unnoticeable as possible. Behind my back was another moment of silence between the guys. Ten to one, they probably exchanged a couple of looks and shrugged their shoulders, wondering what was up with me.

I pressed my right foot onto the back of the sole of my left shoe and, with a gentle push, slipped it off.

"Well, anyone want a drink?" Will asked, followed by the clinking sound of the beer bottles being lifted out of the basket. He leaned toward me, holding one of the bottles closer, and I took it.

"Since when did you get into drinking beer?" I laughed helplessly and twisted the bottle open.

"Alcohol-free beer," Leo corrected me as he took out a can of lemonade.

"Come on! You can't say that this isn't kind of shocking news," I laughed.

"Yeah, it's wild. First, he goes to the bathroom, and now he offers you a drink," Leo said in his most sarcastic voice. Leo returned to the shore and planted his feet in the water as he sipped the lemonade. "You've been really weird lately, Ash." He whipped back and forth as if trying to produce more waves.

"How weird is he?" asked Conor with a malicious grin as he sat beside me.

"He's constantly staring at his phone as if waiting for someone to text him. He asks all these strange questions as if he is actually interested in people's lives. And—you have to get this—he even said thank you to a waitress at BK last week."

Leo laughed, and Conor joined in, both looking at me, full of themselves.

"Stop enjoying it so much," I replied, jokingly pushing Conor away.

"Never," he answered, and for a moment, I worried that this could give us off.

"I like this new version of you, Ash," Will looked at me and smiled. "Sure, it's weird sometimes, but overall, you are more amicable. Almost like you were before—" He stopped talking.

Leo and Conor stared at us, torn between tension and excitement to see what would happen if Will would finish this sentence.

"Before... when?"

"Never mind."

"I know what you want to say. You can say it," I try to utter as calmly as possible. It was the elephant in the room, after all. And the conversation we had about it thirty minutes ago didn't answer any questions.

"Almost like I was before what...?" I stared at Will.

"Hey, let it go," intervened Leo, kicking a small splash of water toward me.

Will looked frightened, and I couldn't blame him. He and Leo stood by me after Conor left. They kept being my friends, even though I was an ass to everyone. I never thanked them for that.

"Okay, then I will say it," I yelled at them.

"—Before High School." Will's soft voice cracked when he said that. He slung his arms around his feet and held himself, probably afraid of what I would do now.

I took a sip of the beer. For a second, I could have sworn I could feel a rush of alcohol in me, but then I remembered that it was free of that.

"I'm happy you like the new me."

The water quietly gushed from the shore while Conor and Leo observed me. The spring heat felt pleasant on the skin, even though the sand was still cold.

"Anyone up for some volleyball?" I asked to break the silence.

"Yes," Conor immediately answered and jumped up. Leo mustered me to see if I was being honest while Will still buried his face behind his angled legs. He glanced at me, and I offered him a smile, which he gladly returned. Almost as if he wanted to say he saw Conor and me, but I shouldn't worry about him. That he's just happy, we're back together and sorted things out.

Or maybe he just smiled because it was his way of not making things worse again. I wish I could just ask him, and if he said he didn't hear us, let him forget I asked. That would make everything so much easier.

—

Even though the sun was still up, as if nightfall would never come, I could feel it was getting closer to dusk as the air started to cool down. But when I opened the door to Leo's car, a hot cloud punched me in the face. I staggered a few steps backward, and since I was the first stupid enough to open the door, the others glanced at me with amusement.

I turned toward the lake to get my face out of that uncomfortable heat. And as I saw the beach again, I had to smile. It had been a relaxing afternoon. We played several rounds of volleyball with switching partners. And for an hour, everything was good—no stupid thoughts. Just us enjoying our reunion as it was supposed to be.

"By the way, Milo just texted me that he is free now, and we can meet up if you guys want to," said Leo as he opened the driver's door. Without waiting for an answer, he sat inside and shut the door.

Why now? I was finally feeling relaxed and as if everything could fall into place.

I shuffled back to the car and, distracted by instant worries about meeting up with Milo, slammed my left shoulder right into the open door. A jarring pain shot through my body, and I was sure this would leave a bruise.

With the shaking of the car and the loud bang my mishap produced, the others pushed their heads toward me as I was the last to drop into the seat.

"Are you okay?" Conor was the first to ask.

My shoulder? It will be. With the news of seeing Milo in a couple of minutes? Not so much. And chances are he isn't eager to see me again, either, not after his threatening messages earlier.

"Yeah," I groaned and pulled the door shut.

Leo turned the engine on, and for a couple of seconds, some oldies blasted into our faces before he quickly turned the volume down.

"Back to Milo. Do you still have some time to meet up with him?" Leo asked and slowly pulled out of the parking lot.

Conor searched for my face, and I peeked at him. Another thunder of pain shot through my left shoulder. I bolted my right hand toward it.

"I think Ash's mom had something planned for this evening, so we should better head back," Conor replied as if he was putting two and one together.

"You can still join them if you want to," I said. "I think I'll head back to help her with dinner. But it's all right if you want to go."

"Are you sure?"

"You can always join us later. It's just my parents and me. You saw them a couple of hours ago. And me, like, all the time. You haven't seen Milo in months."

And I haven't either. But they don't know that, and... for me, it's different. The thing is... I tried texting him a couple of times during our freshmen year. But he barely replied with anything useful. When I asked him if he wanted to meet up about a year ago, he made it very clear that he didn't.

"I know you want to see him," I said.

"So, what now?" Leo asked. "He's at Baxter Park right now. We could be there in ten."

"You drop me off, and Conor will join you."

"Okay." Leo handed his phone to Will, and being the well-rehearsed team they are, Will took it and shot Milo a message in Leo's name.

Conor and I exchanged worried looks, but I tried to smile as hard as I could to reassure him that this was okay.

Leo turned left, and the streets got busier the closer we got to the end of the forest. I didn't know if avoiding Milo was the right decision or not. But I was sure I didn't want to ruin this short time for Conor when he could see his friend. And I knew with everything in my head, with my anger still being there when I'm provoked, the chances were high that I would do something stupid. I couldn't let that happen. So not coming, but knowing Conor would be with me in a couple of hours was the best choice for now.

"He'll meet us at the statue," Will announced. "And Milo wrote that he's sad you won't join, Ash. He would have liked to talk to you in person."

Sweet Will. He has no clue what Milo means by that. But I have. It means he would threaten and interrogate the shit out of me as if I was some criminal.

"You sure you can't join?" asked Will.

Oh, man. Why did he have to ask again? It's hard to make up your mind and talk yourself into an uncomfortable but reasonable decision when everyone keeps asking you if you still want to change your mind.

"Sorry."

"I bet he would be happy to see you," Conor said. And even though he smiled at me, it didn't prove easy to reciprocate.

Or to contain my emotions.

Why is everyone so hesitant about Milo and me reuniting? Don't they see that I just want to leave so that Milo's and my dispute won't ruin their time together? How I hate stuff like this! Why do I have to defend my decision over and over again? Shit. Fuck...

"I don't think it's a good idea."

"Why not?" Leo asked, and with all of them now trying to convince me, the bucket tipped over.

"Because this guy made it more than clear that he doesn't trust me, ever want to see me, or even want to be my friend anymore. So would you please accept my decision!"

And for the third time today, I forced an uncomfortable silence between all of us. Way to go, Ash. I managed to screw it up for Conor before he even got the chance to meet Milo. Fuck.

I glanced at Conor, whose smile turned to worry.

I can't.

"I... Shit. You can drop me off at the corner." I leaned forward so Leo would see me and pointed to a dusty intersection in the middle of the forest. "I can walk the rest of the way down."

"Don't be stupid."

"I said, drop me off," I growled, driving my fingers into Leo's seat. For a moment, it felt as if I was shoving a gun into Leo's back.

I wanted to let myself fall back into the seat to calm myself, but my shoulder decided to reward me with another round of flashing pain, and, lucky for me, my throat also decided to cramp up. It almost felt like I was suffocating. And it worsened with every second I had to spend in the car.

The green blinker that appeared on the dashboard when Leo obeyed my orders loosened the invisible grip around my neck a bit, but my shoulder was having a party. The car shook as he drove onto the uneven ground next to the road. I catapulted my door open while we were still rolling at walking speed. Leo hit his brakes with the sounds of the street that entered the car.

"Thanks for the relaxing afternoon. Have fun," I barked, and before anyone could reply, I jumped out, smashing the door.

The car quaked more than I had anticipated. I really need to better assess my strength in the future, or I will break something valuable soon.

"Fuck, Fuck, Fuck," I whispered to myself and trooped away. Even though I was in the deepest forest, and the sun was hidden behind the high treetops, I felt hotter out here than in the car. All my muscles tensed up, and I knew I was about to scream so loud that they could hear it over in DC, fifty miles away. But I have to wait at least until they are gone. No, they can't see me like that. Not right now. It will screw things up even more, and I have already screwed up so much.

"Fuck!" I silently screamed, forcing myself to keep my voice low. "Why aren't they driving?"

The car lurked behind me as if it was glued to the ground. The perfect hideout for a peep show about me pretending to be calm and collected. Can they please stop having the time of their life and leave me the fuck alone?

My feet carried me further away.

Faster.

Why couldn't I just have kept my mouth shut? There was no need to tell them that Milo had ended his friendship with me. I could have just kept that to myself. Retaining this information secret would have been the right choice. This would have protected Conor and allowed them to have a pleasant evening. But no. That would have been too easy.

The sound of tires slowly rolling over the gravel alarmed me at first, but then I remembered that their leaving was what I wanted. And seconds later, I looked into their backlights.

Everything broke loose.

"Fuck," I howled.

A tremor could be heard in the trees as birds flew away. I stomped my feet on the floor and kicked a stone away. "Fucking fuck," I screamed from the top of my lungs and observed the reverberation. The trees rustled in the wind.

My legs were shaking. I leaned forward, squatted down, and let myself fall to the ground.

Sitting. Yes. That's what I need right now.

I inhaled the spring forest.

The ground was cold.

But the warmth of a hand softly caressing my right shoulder suddenly startled me.

"Ash?"